Help stop the barbaric declawing of cats

Hi George,
We are just wondering if you know how declawed cats manage without their toe ends and claws ? As we live in England where declawing is thankfully banned, we have no friends without them who we can ask.How do they balance properly to walk,how do they groom their fur to regulate their body temperature and how do they exercise, as we need to dig our claws into our scratching posts to exercise our leg,shoulder and back muscles don't we ? Is that why so many of them get arthritis do you think ?
We know lots of USA cats don't go outside but they still need their claws anyway for all those things and what happens if they escape ? They have no defence have they ? We heard that some start biting due to being declawed , well we don't blame them ! And we also heard some stop using their litter trays as the first agony of trying with their painful stumps after the operation, stays in their mind forever.
Do you know George, some cats in the USA are even declawed on their back paws too, however do they scratch an itch ? Please sign our petition
Walter and Jozef
PS. That's me Jozef at the top and my friend Walter at the bottom. Both wearing our white bibs. Very smart!

Dear Walter and Jozef,
We UK cats are lucky that vets refuse to do this. I've signed (under Celia's name) the petition on http://www.petitionthem.com/default.asp?sect=detail&pet=4312 And I read your human's blog on http://kattaddorra.blogspot.com/ too.
Personally I feel that the house is much improved with frilled soft furnishings - particularly the arms of armchairs and sofas. I also have enjoyed, in my time, frilling the edges of long curtains - giving what I call the Bohemian gypsy look. I do have trouble with my human who doesn't share my ideas about decor. But pulling out my claws? She wouldn't be so cruel.
I have seen horrible pictures of cats with their paws bandaged as they recover from this operation. This is mutilation, like cutting the tails off dogs (or, in the USA, cutting their ears too).What is it about humans that they think cutting bits of living animals is OK. Pulling out finger nails was torture done by the Nazis and I think it is torture for animals too. I can't imagine what it is like to live without claws. They are an essential part of me. Imagine not being able to scratch an itch - horrible.
My soft furnishings enthusiasm has been modified by being given a scratching post in every room that I use - one in the bedroom, one in the living room and one in the upstairs bathroom. I use them all and I particularly enjoy the really tatty one that has bits hanging off it. I purrsuaded Celia not to change it for a new one as, like all cats, I like scratching posts that smell of the glands on my paws and that have nice stringy bits to scratch. We cats need to scratch. It is part of our natural behaviour. Apart from the pain of declawing, cats without claws must have difficulty making their living quarters smell right. And smell is so important to us.
Celia uses double sided sticky tape to stop my scratching the furniture (which she claims belongs to her though I know better). The stickiness is horrid so I don't scratch there again for about a month. She says the sofa looks odd with this tape all over it, but if she leaves it there for a month she can take it off for about three months before I notice and start scratching again. There's a posh version costing four times as much called Sticky Paws which looks slightly less odd.
Best of luck with the petition
George
PS. I read this blog on claws too -http://clawsforever.blogspot.com/2009/06/elsie-cant-lose-he-gets-it-both-ways.html

Brushing my teeth ... I don't think so!

Dear George,
The other night I heard my humans talking about “preventive dental care”. As I was trying to understand their point, I heard them mentioning “brushing”, “toothpaste”, solution, etc. Girrr! I’m pretty sure they were talking about me and my sister since they brush their teeth regularly and sometimes I even witness this disgusting human habit! We (Fluffy & I) are given some treats for “teeth health” on regular basis, plus we eat some “fresh/raw” meat twice a week. Don’t you think this is enough? Just…..out of curiosity; what is your advice regarding dental care? What do you do (or what other cats do) to maintain healthy gums & teeth? Wishing all cats healthy smiles & healthy teeth☺ Hugs Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
They tried a toothbrush on me -- three times. First the vet, then Celia, then Celia once more. A huge piece of plastic wand with bristles attached which they put right into my mouth, pulling back my gums as they did so. In order to reach the teeth, they said. On top of the bristles was an agreeable paste tasting of malt, but that didn't make up for the way my mouth was being misused by these humans.
With the vet, I merely cowered in my basket looking helpless and afraid. That often rouses the mother in Celia and is enough to stop her. It didn't. Having bought the expensive kit from the vet, she went home and tried it on me. I wriggled and wriggled and when we cats wriggle we can be very difficult to hold. She tried a third time and it was enough. I bit her. Strong measures were called for and they worked.
Her methods then changed for the better. For a time, she used to give me about two square inches of thick ox heart. Very very tasty. A really good human idea. I adored it. True, the blood was messy on the kitchen floor as I tackled the business of trying to chew and eat. Alas, she stopped this on the ground she had to buy a whole ox heart and keep it in the freeze in slices and, moreover, it was difficult to get offal from the butcher in the first place.
Now she has settled for dental dried food. Till recently it was Hills prescription dental diet but I seem to have got an allergy to this and developed diarrhoea each time she gave it. I love it but it doesn't now love me. So instead she has changed brands to Royal Canin non prescription which claims to get rid of something like 57% of the tartar. I don't eat it all the time - just get given a small proportion as a treat. It meets with my approval
But the ox heart was by far the best. Try it, Cayenne, if you can persuade your human. We need good teeth to bite our humans when they step out of line!
Purr and rubs
George
PS. The vet inspects my teeth at vaccination time - important because dental resorptive lesions, tooth rot, are hell for cats. We move towards the food bowl, try a little food, then back off with the pain of it.

Of treats ….and human arrogance

Dear George,
I’m SO upset and fed up with my female housekeeper’s arrogance
that I can barely meow or write.
All it takes to see how mad I’m right now is to take a look at my picture,
“cramped” in this small fruit basket! You can tell I’m furious, right? vBut…here is the story; last night I was enjoying reading from your book “The Joy of Cats” (great book, by the way! thank you so very much for it).
You see, when I’m reading I like to indulge in few treats; so I asked Cayenne to bring me some. She couldn’t find any (we know where they “hide” our treats) so she started meowing calling upon “our mommy”. Believe it or not, our female human ignored all our meowing, pretending that she’s busy. Her attitude was upsetting me, so I pretended that I’m hungry and wanted my dinner served right away.
I waited quietly until she opened a can for me and then I REFUSED to eat it.
I continued to stay there to make her open another can which she normally does (my plot was to make her open as many cans as possible). I could not believe when she just walked away without saying anything. After 20 minutes or so, as I was still sitting there thinking of what I should do next to punish her, she just came by and took the food away. WHAT? I pinched myself; this can not be true!
She will never ever dare to do this to me. Well, I told you George that lately she has some attitude! She took my food away and I heard her saying “Fluffy, you just missed dinner”.
Such impertinence and arrogance! I’m not going to put up with this; this means war!
I pushed Cayenne again to ask for treats since apparently she has a “problem” with me.
Guess what! When “my daddy” asked her why she’s not giving us any treats …her answer was “not healthy”.
What...does she expect me to chew on carrots and broccoli just because she thinks it’s healthy? George, what should I do, as I’m a little hungry now, but I don’t want to give up and eat without punishing her first. She should pay dearly for her arrogance!
Love
Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
Here in the UK there is great controversy about using punishment as a training method. All the good dog trainers are up in arms against Cesar Milan and even in the USA the American Veterinary Association has condemned his methods. Naturally I don't watch the programme - why should I want to look at dogs?
Punishment for humans? I favour it. I always have. It is, of course, very wrong for humans to punish animals but when animals punish humans it is ethically acceptable. Well, to me it is. How otherwise can we get through to them? They are such dumb creatures that stern measures are necessary.
First of all try psychological punishment by using a control of attention programme. This means that you actively ignore the offending human. Do not look at them, rub on them, or go anywhere near them. Sit with your back to them - the offended dignity of a cat's back is quite a striking sight. If they come into the room, leave. Stop sharing the bed with them. If they come over to pet you, get up with dignity and stalk out. Humans are very sensitive to this silent treatment of withdrawing attention and it is usually enough to bring your human back into line with the treats.
Your refusal to eat was a very good move, Fluffy. But clearly your human is getting wise to cat training methods. Can you fix for somebody else to feed you, Fluffy? Here in the UK, we usually organise several different feeders down our street so that we can pop out and do lunch with them any time we wish. Or is there any food you could steal? Just jumping on to the kitchen surface and pulling down the dried food bag (if there is one) might work fine. Or perhaps if you target your secondary human, the partner, you can get him to feed you instead. Walk round him mewing and looking pathetically hungry. That might produce tension between them - "How can you be so cruel to poor Fluffy?" That's a punishment in itself.
If you can't organise food from elsewhere, you may have to eat what you are given. If so, move on to fiercer methods. Biting and clawing are the final ways we cats can express our feelings and reduce our humans to the proper submissive state. They should only be a last resort.
Love George
PS. I sent my assistant to a veterinary conference where acupuncture was taken seriously as a method of controlling pain in the dog. So, if a vet offers it, it might be worth a try - not worth letting a non-veterinary person do it, however, as they will not have been taught how canine or feline anatomy differs from human anatomy. Besides, in the UK only vets are allowed to treat animals - though complementary therapists can if the vet refers the animal.
PPS. That box looks a bit small...

How can I throw my human out of the Master Bedroom?

Dear George,
As you can see, I am King Winston of English descent and I was the king of the house…..until my housekeepers moved to a new house. As soon as we moved to this new place, my male housekeeper “took" away from me the Master Bedroom and Master King Size Bed! I know he is of English descent too, but I don’t think we are related (unless he is one of some unknown relative’s of mine off springs). Anyway, this is LES MAJESTE (and I hope he knows what that means)! George, William, Oscar…. I need all your help to kick him out of the Master Bedroom. (I want him down in the basement – that’s where he should be). My female human is very nice, a real lady and very kind. I don’t mind to share my king size bed with her. I know that if I start pushing inch by inch…..soon I’ll have the whole bed for me. But…what can I do about my male human? How can I move him fast in the basement?
In bewilderment Sir Winston

Dear Sir Winston,
It amazes me that your female human doesn't prefer you to a mere human in the bed. Such beautiful green eyes, elegant white spats and shirt front! Surely he's not as elegant as you are? OK, so I realise there are some things he can do which you can't (I presume like me you've been fixed). But can he purr? I bet he can't. It is outrageous that he thinks he has the right to sleep in your Master Bedroom. The man needs to be put in his place - well below Alpha cat, Sir Winston.
So how do you get him out of the Master Bedroom and into the basement? There is a choice - purr or claw. The purring method consisters of pretending to be nice -- too nice. Get right into his face at night - literally sleep over it. This nearly suffocates humans and they can bear very little of it. If he has a beaky sort of nose (inferior to your elegant one), it may be a tad uncomfortable. In that case simply sleep on the pillow right next to him and edge yourself so that you are sideways on but absolutely tight against his face. Not quite so suffocating, but pretty close.
As well as suffocating him, snore. Loudly. Walk up and down his body in the early hours of the morning. Pause merely to knead hard at any tender bits round the groin. This apparently loving gesture is extremely painful if aimed at the correct area and if the bedclothes are not too thick. It also looks affectionate in the eyes of the female human, so there is less likelihood of your getting booted outside the Master Bedroom yourself.
Incidentally, I assume you have put an end to hanky panky, or knookie, how's-your-father or bit-of-the-other (as we Brits call it in tabloid newspapers). Most of us cats sleep between our humans to remind them that we don't approve of it. Their juvenile humping and noise interferes with our sleep. We pet cats have turned to a graceful celibacy. They should do the same if they want to keep us happy.
The claw method of chucking a human out of bed is direct punishment. Use your male human as a scratching post. Bite his ears, or his nose - exquisitely painful. Crawl under the duvet and grab his toes or those other bits near the groin. That'll shift him fast. But it may also lead to human aggression. While there is no excuse whatsover for human cruelty to cats, humans can lose control which is why punishment in the bedroom has its risks. The unhealed wounded human is dangerous to be near! I'd go for the subtler purr method myself.
Best of luck,
George