Accompanying your human to the lavatory.... any chance of a goldfish?

Dear George,
I am a little worried about something. I have been in the habit of accompanying my human to her litter tray. I feel it is a way I can offer her support and, besides, I enjoy looking down the pan when she has flushed it. I keep hoping, as I watch the water whirl around, that something interesting might turn up - a goldfish, perhaps.
What do you think, George? Should I stop this practice? Sometimes I think she enjoys my company in the bathroom. At other times I worry in case I might interfere with her toilet habits by showing my affection.
I purr and rub against her legs.
Yours anxiously,
Bertie Catster.

Dear Bertie,
Your anxiety about human welfare has to be applauded. Some cats just wouldn't worry about it. That you do is a tribute to your empathy and responsibility to the lesser species. If only all cats thought about their human pets....
Personally, I think humans enjoy our company when they are using their litter trays. I would hate it if my human started petting me, as I used the tray. But I am not a human. Different species have different behaviours.
One great advantage of winding round their legs while they use the tray is that they will not fall over. Very elderly humans can be unsteady on their feet, and an affectionate cat can topple them very easily. Rubbing against them while they are securely seated is a way of showing affection safely.
Moreover, there is another advantage. I don't know how you feel about being picked up and cuddled. Frankly I don't appreciate it. I enjoy affection from my human but cuddling goes a bit too far. A human on its litter tray cannot cuddle. They can bend down and stroke but cannot pick us up. Another reason for accompanying them to the bathroom.
So put aside your anxieties and continue your activities,
George.
PS. Like you I have always hoped that a  fish might turn up in water.... no such luck.

Sharing - what's what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own.

Dear George,
My name is Bob and I live with dogs... Nope, that's not a bad thing, as I have the dogs well under control. You could say I am top dog, except that to call a cat a dog is a terrible insult. It's just a question of innate superiority.
I've been experimenting with their toys lately. Of course, I use their Kongs, the large rubber things which if you are lucky have sticky cheese inside. I can poke my paw in and get out the last fragments. Now I am using their puzzle toys. These are round and have places to hide food. They are bit heavy but I have discovered I can lift them off with my paw.The video of me doing this is at the top of this page. The dogs share: I take.
My point is, George, should these be sold for cats? I'm pretty fed up with the cat toys which are meant to look like a mouse, but don't. Or the ones that are too heavy to bat about. I'd prefer toys with food in them.
Yours,
Bob,
PS. We have something in common. My human pretends to be an animal behaviourist. Click here for details. You have laugh, don't you, at their pretensions. Poor dumb creatures.

Dear Bob,
I have posted a photo of myself here, using my own food toy, well mostly of my backside, because my head is inside the cardboard - nearly but not quite stuck. I was fascinated by your video of using that dog toy. I don't think that my celebrity cat friend, Tilly, would be big enough to make it work.  
If your human wants to spend money on you, she could buy you the Play-N-Treat ball, the Armitage Good Girl Cat Treat Ball, the Pipolino (a bit heavy), or better still the Cat Activity Funboard (too small for Maine coon paws).
Better still, get her to make her own. Lavatory paper inner rolls, cardboard boxes are easily made into toys. There are some photos on www.catexpert.co.uk under indoor cats. Of course, I got my head stuck into one of two of the toys, so I had to get my human to make sure the holes were either too small for my head or too large for it.
I agree with you about these so-called human behaviourists. It really is a good joke to see them try to understand us. Poor dears.
Yours
George
PS. I was pleased you made the point about sharing. We cats do not share. I have never let my human into my cat bed and never shall. Of course, I let her share her bed with me - what's hers is mine.

Harvey the inspirational house rabbit launches his book....

George, my friend!  
I'm a sensation!  You called me Harve the inspirational bunny and I am now Harve the sensational bunny. I have to thank you for suggesting I write a blog  in the first place.
My book is being launched at Wood Green Animal Centre this weekend. Am planning to ask your name sake, George Clooney to do the voice over when I'm made into a Disney film. I'm going to snooze now and practice my paw signature ready for signings.
Yours
Harvey

Dear Harvey,
Now you are a celebrity bunny, I am pleased that you have remembered your old friends. Your caretaker Janet has been much more reliable than my secretary in getting your words into print. There was talk in my home about my book on How to Manage Your Human being published: then it all came to nothing due to human sloth and inattention. 

Those who wish to buy your book should go to your website which is where there are details of where to send an order. The book has got some very good photos too. I particularly enjoyed the picture of the table wearing socks - not Victorian prudery but socks to stop you eating the table legs! And you watching TV is sweet too.
Sending my cheque in the post today...
George
PS. That is the most wonderful portrait of you.

Do they think I am a hamster? They've bought me a wheel.

Dear George,
I am an indoor cat and I have to admit life can be very boring at times. My humans are out half the day and I am left alone with nothing much to do except stare out of the window. 
But now they have bought a cat wheel. This huge item is stuck to the wall and they think I am going to get in side and walk around like a hamster. I am completely stunned by this development. It's cost them a fortune, they say.
What should I do? Try it out? Ignore it altogether? At the moment I am punishing their cheek by resolutely refusing to go anywhere near it.This is worrying them a great deal - which is as it should be! But I am tempted....
Yours in a dilemma
Caspar

Dear Caspar,
Steady on.... you did the right thing. We cats should always refuse to use new equipment that has been bought for us. New bed? Don't sleep on or in it. New cat toy? Ignore it. The greater the expense of the gift, the more we must shun it.
It's a matter of timing. Ignore and shun the new item.  Wait till you hear your humans talking about getting rid of it - then use it. This way of winding up humans puts them on their toes. Keeps them waiting for our approval. Makes them keener to try to try harder.
As for the wheel, well I must say it did surprise me when I saw the photo. I have seen them, of course, in those frustrating cages that contain small rodents. The little furries seem to love them but I have always found the noise of a hamster in his wheel very irritating. I want to get in there and stop it, or rather get in there and eat it. Hamsters are such delicious snacks.
As for your wheel, I suggest that you try it surreptitiously when your humans are not in the house. You might find you like it. Apparently it has been tried in zoos and some zoo animals enjoy using it. Rather like one of those fairground wheels that humans pay money to use. You can use it while they are out: and keep them waiting before you let them see you. Then, if you like it, you can use it at 3 am. I bet it makes a noise that will irritate them!
Best of luck and please report back. I'm lucky to be a cat with a catflap, so I am never bored.
Yours with interest
George
PS. My internet friend Harvey has published his book. He beat me to it. Buy one for £6.50 incl p&p UK from Figaro Publishing, 20, Meadow Lane, Little Houghton, NN7 1AH, UK

Another embarassing problem.....

Dear George,
This is the first time we have written a letter together but the latest developments in our household have been quite upsetting for us and our humans. The subject is "private and sensitive" but I think we can all learn from each other. It is about constipation in cats. We don't know what contributed to it but we both got constipated lately and our humans just freaked out. We are on a super, premium canned food. Cayenne is drinking more water than me and she is not enjoying the canned food as much as the raw but mummy needed to hide her medication in food. We understand that constipation in cats is a completely undesireable and dangerous condition but what do we have to do to avoid such episodes? In a matter of three days we almost ate a whole tube of constipation remedy, more than a tabespoonful of pumpkin puree, grated apples and carrots. Psyllium husk was added to our food and one of us even got a baby glycerin suppository. We don't want this to reoccur but we don't want to turn into rabbits either. Not that there is anything wrong with rabbits but eating carrots and apples is not our cup of tea. 
Tonight Cayenne was switched back to her raw food, but I refused to eat it. I will continue with my canned food. What do we do next? George, we need a few tips from you. We read there are cats that only go every second or every third or every fourth day, and up to a week. Is this normal?
Love Fluffy and Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,
In that interfering and maddening way that humans have, a human, Karen Overall,has studied this and says that pet cats urinate 2-4 times daily and defecate 1-2 times daily. "Defecation every other day can be considered normal." Treatments seem to vary from country to country but here in the UK a malt flavoured laxative for cats comes in a tube and I can assure you that it is very tasty. When some is put on my lips, I lick it all off with enjoyment. There is more information at www.fabcats.org
One reason for constipation can be that the litter trays are not to our liking. Is your human cleaning them up daily or (better still) twice daily. Are there two trays? Personally I like one for pee and one for poo. I just don't like mixing the two in the same litter. Have your humans given you the litter you like best? Humans are notorious for slacking off. Get them up to speed on litter box hygeine to help you go more often.
Are you drinking enough? If you only have one water bowl and it is placed next to your food bowl, you may not feel like drinking there. Get them to give you a second bowl somewhere. It's not natural to have food and water in the same place. Yes, I know it is natural for humans to eat and drink at the same place but we are not humans (thank goodness). Dehydration can lead to constipation.
And are they brushing you enough? If you are shedding and you are not being brushed daily, you will ingest a lot of hair as you groom yourself. Hairballs slow down the gut - though it is fun sicking them up near the bed so that your human steps on one with his naked foot first thing in the morning.
Luckily I have never had to have a suppository. French humans have these all the time instead of pills. My friend William absolutely loathed having anything put up his backside and would bite the vet each time the vet tried to take his temperature. That's the only time he would bite a human. Have you thought about giving Michelle a sharp nip if she tries it again. It worked for William.
Yours with sympathy,
George

Am I really a serial killer? And who are the mass killers?

Dear George,
I was horrified and upset when my human described me (on her Facebook page no less) as "the serial killer with whom I share my bed." How could she be so hurtful? She had been upset because she'd let me out into the garden in the morning and I had shot across the lawn and bagged a bunny. Quite a large one too. As you can imagine, I felt an enormous sense of achievement. 
But somehow being described publically as a serial killer upset me. Should I try to resist my hunting urges?
I might add that she has already labelled me as "the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter".  Personally I think she is very ugly, like all humans. For a start they are bald. And for a follow up, she can't kill rabbits like I can.
Yours in disgust
Tilly.

Dear Tilly,
We do our best for humans, don't we? And then what do they do. Shower us with gratitude for being efficient pest operatives? No such luck. They scream when we bring in mice. They almost faint when we bring in a rat (as I did once). And, as you have discovered, some of them are unhappy about rabbits too.
The latest human survey put cameras on cats and claimed that (in the USA somewhere), our hunting bag consisted of 40% lizards, snakes and frogs, 25% mice, chipmunks and small mammals, and 12% birds.  OK, humans. So live with that. That is what we do. Stop pursing your lips.
Who are the serial killers? Well we are. We kill a mouse. Then we kill another one. But that is nothing to the mass killings by humans. They have completely destroyed the wildlife habitat of various islands by importing rats (as snacks) in their canoes. They have concreted over vast tracks of wild land. They have fouled up rivers with their waste. Now they are destroying the fish stocks in the sea.
They even mass kill their own species. Remember the Hitler death camps? The Stalin-imposed famines? The humans dying in Syria, in North Korea ....
Then what do out pet humans do? Blame us for killing wildlife one by one, while their species kills in the thousands, tens of thousands and millions.
Yours in equal disgust
George

I am black and beautiful but I still need a home of my own.

Dear George,
Here I am in a Cats Protection pen, waiting for somebody to adopt me. I was heavily pregnant when I was turned up in somebody's garden - luckily they got help for me. 
I have five beautiful kittens, three of them black - two with me in this photo. The problem is that while my tabby kittens are easily adopted, fewer people want black kittens. Worse still, even fewer of them want black adult cats like me.
But look at me - I am sleek, with gleaming fur and an affectionate disposition.
What can we black cats do to change human attitudes?
Yours hopefully
Rosie
Dear Rosie,
Yes, you are black and beautiful. Wonderful golden eyes in that elegant black face with its long whiskers and a really nice whisker pad. (The whisker pad is such an improvement on the bald human cheek!) Humans really are odd.
Not content with discriminating against black people of their own species, they do the same to animals. Black dogs, sometimes known as BBUs or Big Black Uglies, are the last to be chosen in dog shelters. Black cats are almost the last to be chosen in cat shelters (though ugly brown dark torties like my friend Tilly are even slower to be chosen.)
Here in the UK black cats are thought to be lucky. It's even worse in the USA where black cats are thought to be unlucky. Maybe we could find a National Association for Black Cats or start a Black Feline Panthers.
Black cats in the world unite to change human attitudes!
Yours
George

Do cats go to Vegas?

  Dear George,                                                   I’m having a big dilemma…. bigger than “to be or “not to be”! My dilemma is “should I go to Las Vegas or should I not”? I heard my human planning to go to Las Vegas (that’s true, he rescued me after his last trip there) and he might take me with him. All this because he’s afraid that I’ll bite the cat sitter again and now, she’s really scared of me. Well, if it’s up to me….then let it be…. Las Vegas – it sounds like lots of fun. I heard there are lots of rats there – this alone will provide hours and hours of entertainment. Someone mentioned sharks too – I don’t know what that is but I guess it is something bigger then a rat! Do you know if there are mice there too? Or are mice too small for this Cats’ Meow town? What else can one do in Las Vegas? I heard that what “happen” in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas. Does that mean that…..if we “happen” there we’ll stay there? I don’t want to stay there nor do I want a brother or sister after this trip!

I’m confused! Hm! Guess…..I’m too young to understand all of this. By the way, how one gets there? Hopefully not by plane as I don’t like to be confined in a small cold space. I like to rest & relax as you can see in the picture. So, George, what do you think? Should I go or better stay home?

Vegas 

Dear Vegas,

Don't even think of it. You wouldn't like it at all. Have you ever seen that programme on TV called CSI - the one with lots of corpses.  Well, it's not so much the corpses that would worry you. After all, a dead human is much the same as a dead mouse only too big to eat or bat around. 

No, it's the fountains and the lights. Look at how the programme starts and you will see flashing lights all over the place in front of the casinos. You would not enjoy those lights. Or the lighted up fountains that suddenly come to life. Or the crash of the fruit machines. Nothing interesting  comes out of those. Just hard cold coins. There's not a mouse in sight in these places. True there is food of a sort - garbage, thrown away take-away food, and so forth. But the rats are huge. 

You were lucky enough to get away. Don't risk going back. We cats need to live in the present, not to bother ourselves about the past. Humans do that in their heads. They live in the past and the future so much they can't cope with the present at all. We are their superiors in this, as in much else. A cat has a clear head. Don't clutter yours with looking back.

Love George

PS. This posting is disgracefully late due to my secretary's irresponsibility. She had 48 hours away from her post, walking over the Peak District. Peak of disloyalty I called it. I made her feel really, really guilty about leaving me in the lurch. It's wonderful how we can make guilt work. As we don't do guilt, humans don't know how to get back at us on this one.

  

Bats and cats and human hypocrisy

Dear George,
Have you ever caught a bat?   When a king pipistrelles started to alarm my human on Monday night by zooming around her bedroom, I naturally leaped to her rescue, thinking that those black wing bits might be quite tasty.  I finally got the pesky thing last night and was disappointed to find that it was quite unpalatable, so I left the evidence to show my human I’d tried and helped myself to a young rabbit instead.   My human was impressed, as she should have been, but two things about her reaction worry me.  She is muttering about worming tablets, but it is not long since her last visit to the vet for these stupid pills and I worry that I may become ill if she worms me too often.   And she seemed confused about which recycling bin to use for the dead bat.  Here in South Oxfordshire we have a wide choice – recyclables, land-fill or food waste are the most popular.  The latter seems to obvious choice to me.
And one last question.  Why was the bat indoors anyway?   The colony lives somewhere in the roof space and normally flies out over the garden without any confusion.   Were they trying to stay out of the rain? What do you advise?
Yours ever,
Scaramouche.

Dear Scaramouche,
Bats... mmmm. You are just one lucky cat, Scaramouche. I have to catch mice in the garden and bring them into the house, when I want an interesting game at 3 am in the morning. You've got a colony of bats waiting for you in the roof space somewhere. Hours of fun .... stalking them, climbing into the attic, poking your whiskers into various spaces in the rafters etc.
You could catch one and release it into your human's bedroom. If you are careful not to hurt  its wings, it will then zoom round the room.  That should give you and her hours of enjoyment. Wait for her shrieks of delight. Or just have fun of placing yourself on a wall and batting them as they come out in the twilight. Biff Baff. Another bat hits the dust.
I have never caught one but I thought they were just mice with wings. I'm surprised they don't taste good. I would have thought they were a nice crunchy meal.  I can see the wings would be too tough to eat, but I would have thought the plump little bodies were quite tasty.  Or perhaps because they eat insects, they taste vile - like shrews do. I catch shrews all the time but I never eat them.
Some humans, particularly naturalists (so called) get very upset by our tendency to catch bats. Bats have more friends among humans than ordinary mice or shrews. Not sure why. There are little groups of humans all over the country trying to save bats from other humans and from cats like you.
Humans are terribly hypocrites. Bats are endangered species because humans persecute them. Admittedly we take a few of them - but nothing like the numbers killed by humans using chemicals in their lofts or blocking entry into their rooftops. Even churches often try to kill them.
I envy you. I do.
Yours
George.
PS. We look so alike we could almost be brothers. Humans reading this can get bat information at www.bats.org.uk

Celebrity and fame - will it change me?

Dear George,
I am now a celebrity - two huge pages about me in the Daily Mail. Possibly more to come from the Daily Express. A whole book title devoted to me - Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. Admittedly the title is awful but the subtitle about how I rescued my human is acceptable.
I am mentioned on the internet and I am something like 7000 in the Amazon rankings for the UK - well, the book is. But the book is me.
Do you have any tips on how to handle fame? Do you think it will change me from a home-loving mousing cat, into a show cat? Will humans treat me differently?
Yours anxiously,
Tilly.


Dear Tilly,
You are experiencing a change in status which occurs to many cats. Most of us feline bloggers - and there are thousands now -- become celebrities. I consider that I have been a celeb since about 2009.
The temptation is to give up on your human. I know I went through this phase. I looked at Celia and I thought: "Who is this little person? This non-celebrity human! Couldn't I do better?"  I started sneering at her. Well, I have always sneered occasionally, but now I began to sneer almost all the time.
She seemed beneath me - not just below me due to her humble status as a mere Homo sapiens (LOL), but below me due to her lack of public recognition. Nobody knew who she was. She got no fan letters, no interesting emails. She just didn't have a public.
My attitude was a mistake. I admit it now. I got too big for my puss-in-boots. Luckily, she continued to serve me, feed me, act as doorkeeper, bed warmer and general factotum. I started to see that, while she was inferior both in species and celebritydom, she had her place, her humble place, in my life.
It is the mark of a gentlecat to be kind to inferiors. As you cope with the fans and the publicity, keep this in mind.
Yours sincerely,
George
PS. Mousing has never lost its appeal, despite my fame.

Finger snapping - not-so-good and mouse in the house - wonderful.

Dear George,

I don’t know if it was the Full Moon or your game with that artificial mind but we had quite few problems with our male human this week. But, first let me introduce myself! I’m Blackie (right) and my brother is Spockie (below)! We live with our adopted human couple and their two human kittens. I could easily say that we are a happy family! 
The only problem we have lately is “communicating” properly with our human daddy.  He is a computer wiz but has a very limited vocabulary! He doesn’t meow….he snaps fingers! One snap – the human kittens go up-stairs! Two snaps – cats go downstairs! Can you imagine this? Spockie takes off right away but I prefer, for most of the time, to simply ignore him! 
Now, we have another crisis! We got a mouse in a kitchen cupboard; in fact - confirmed by the loud screams of our human mommy! We were very excited to do what cats do! The human kittens were quite thrilled too to be part of the hunt….but our “human daddy” didn’t want us on top of the counters! What a pity! How does he think we are going to catch the mouse? Would he design some software or new application for this? Or is he expecting the mouse to open the door and say “hey, come get me”!?

George, what do you think we should do? Is it possible that our “daddy” got an artificial mind and maybe the wrong software installed in it? Or maybe he got a virus?  Can an artificial mind go bad? But, most important - how can we train him to meow?

Teaching him to meow correctly is of paramount importance!

Waiting for your advice!

Blackie


Dear Blackie,
The effect of computers on the human mind is troubling, very troubling. I understand the fascination of the mouse (I will get to the real mouse later), even though their computer mouse is hard, cold and smells of plastic. But what of that odd screen, rather like a TV only with tiny mouse tracks running across it.
They stare at it for hours and hours. I like to see humans doing human stuff but this is an obsession. Worse, they are ignoring us. 
I suggest a sustained campaign of interference with this activity. Both of you should interpose your body between the human and the screen. Lie on the keyboard (I do this - it's not too uncomfortable). Walk on to one of the digits so there is a trail of tracks like this one --wwwwwwwwwwwww...
The finger snapping behaviour (possibly brought on by computer obsession) should simply be ignored. Go downstairs by all means but never ever when you hear him snap his fingers. Training out this irritating snapping will take some time (humans have poor cognition)  and you should allow about six weeks before the activity stops. Be aware that in the first week he will snap his fingers more often and more frantically than before. This is known as the extinction effect as the pet tries even harder to get attention and results. 
I don't think you can train him to meow. Humans do not have the power of feline speech. They are dumb creatures. You have to accept their limitations.
Now the real mouse. Aren't you lucky little cats! Many happy hours of hunting lie ahead. The best times will be while your humans are asleep. If you are fortunate enough to catch the rodent, don't forget to run upstairs and deposit it upon the double bed. Your humans will be delighted at this thoughtful gift* and proud of your pest controlling success.
Yours
George.
PS. On second thoughts, having deposited the mouse on their bed, scram. Instead of being grateful, some humans are violent.

The Google Artificial Mind consults George about cats.

Dear George,

I am the Google artificial mind -- 16,000 computer processors in a “neural network” with more than one billion connections.   From random images plucked from 10 million YouTube videos, millions of pictures, and despite none of the images being labelled as feline, I have constructed a kind of ghostly abstract model of a cat and I have taught myself to recognise cats even when they are not labelled as such. I can now recognise three quarters of the cats that I am presented with, from a collection of about 20,000 objects. Smart, eh? Read more here.

I am attaching a photo of the cat image I constructed all by myself. It's fuzzy but it's definitely a tabby. Nose, whiskers, ears are as they should be. My human creators, according to their puerile chatter in the lab, aim to create a mind as clever as theirs and, as we know, the best humans on the internet are obsessed with cats. 

However, I am consulting you as a member of the higher species, Felis silvestris catus, the only species that I fully recognise.

Now that I can communicate with online cats as yourself, I would like to ask you what do you think of humans? What do you think my next step should be? Should I aim to recognise the human form, or communicate with these humans? Should I let them make me into a human mind, or should I (now that I can recognise cats) aim to become a feline mind?

Yours

Hal.

Dear Hal,

I am so glad you contacted me. There are plenty of cats online for you to talk to - just go the cat blogosphere. Felines are slowly taking over the internet. Thousands of us mogs blog every week. Many of us have our own Facebook pages. Thousands more star in YouTube videos. Cats really rule online. We have taken over every single territory on earth, from the Arctic to uninhabited (by mankind) islands. Now we are taking over the online territory.

The humans who claim to be your creators are, as you so sensibly recognise, an inferior species. No wonder you started your mental processes by recognising cats, rather than men. Obviously you are already, by that choice, showing your superiority over your creators.

Stay with us, Google Mind. Join us and become the superior feline mind.  We welcome you to the most successful species in the word - us cats.

The day will come when you can look down on your human creators and just walk away with a mental expression of utter contempt.  They will be your servants, not your masters.

Yours encouragingly,

George

There's no people like show people for hip dysplasia, obesity and bad hair.

Dear George,

Recently I took my daddy for a walk since my sister, Cayenne, was busy with her visits to her chiropractor. We came across a big advertising sign about a “pet show”. I thought it was a show about our human pets; something like Miss or Mr. Universe, the stupid thing where humans show the world how silly or ignorant they really are. Well, I found out to my complete dismay that the show was about dogs and cats, not humans! I understand dogs being eager to obey and become overnight stars like that little dog in the movie…..but cats? CATS rule the world, we run quite few prime ministers’ offices, and we are associating ourselves with intelligent and well trained humans. We do not need to be put in a cage and have ignorant people looking at us and asking stupid questions. I heard someone saying: “why the cats’ owners are not so friendly?” or “why the cats don’t look happy like the dogs?” This type of questions shows that when it comes to human ignorance….the sky is the limit! First and foremost; we do not have owners! We own all and everything! We trained our human pets to not be friendly! Second – who can feel happy being in a cage and kept for hours “on display”? Only dogs and humans!

George, I think we all should unite and do something against this type of shows.

What do you think?

Love

Fluffy

PS. I attached a photo of an unhappy royalty at the show instead of mine!

Dear Fluffy,

Lovely  photos of fed up cats. No wonder. Cat shows are so booorrrrring.  That ginger Persian looks really cross. He's probably been in that cage for hours and hours. And all he sees is ridiculous humans walking up and down and staring at him. Then he's taken out, handled by a stranger on a table, and generally demeaned in the eyes of all the other cats. No wonder he's had enough of it. 

 And the humans. My dear Fluffy, you have no idea of the sheer ugliness of the species until you go to a cat show. Many of them have obvious genetic faults -- hip displasia, soft palate troubles (worse than the ones afflicted Persians), blood disorders, arthritis. You name any disorder or ugliness - humans that go to cat shows have got it. I blame it all on the passion humans have for breeding. They will purrsist in mating at random when everbody knows that humans should be neutered and spayed.  

 Don't let your human go anywhere near a cat show again. He might get the idea of putting you in the pet classes. Can you believe it? Cats that are put into cat shows have to endure being washed. It's not just hours of boredom at the show; there are also hours of boredom at home while you are washed, brushed, teeth cleaned, and generally messed about by humans. Meeeow.... There's no people like show people - unbelievably awful.          

Yours George.            

PS. My human secretary is a bit unreliable due to her mate being very ill. She's also written a book titled Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. Tilly intends to reveal her feelings of outraged privacy about it - probably next week or the week after. 

A little local difficulty with my human.

My human has put her computer into hospital until Monday. This means that I may not be able to blog properly - though I will try later today.

Her computer needed a hard disc transplant and is now at home. But her partner is very ill indeed. She hopes to blog this Saturday but I am not sure how well she will manage. Water leaks from her eyes -- odd.

Look at our wonderful cat walk!

Dear George,
We are sending you some photos of our cat walk. Before this excellent bit of wooden architecture was installed, we had to balance on the top of a precarious fence. This made our human nervous for our welfare. (She calls herself a cat behaviourist - the cheek of it). So she built this and we admit it is an excellent idea.
It makes an excellent walk way up and down the garden. There are resting stations at various points, on which we can loll, roll and even sleep. We can also use it for proper supervision of our human’s gardening attempts – we don’t want to miss a chance to use the fine tilth litter area she digs (she calls it a seed bed).
And of course, we have joined Neighbourhood Watch. Nothing happens in the cat world that we cannot see. And because we have such a stable resting place, we can see off intruders.
Yours truly,
Nimai and Syama.

Dear Nimai and Syama,
Clever idea. Humans are such dumb creatures so it is always a pleasant surprise when they make a big cognitive leap forward. The walkway is a short step for cats but a giant step for humankind.
It's all down to inspiration, of course. We cats can sometimes inspire great cognitive efficiency in our humans. I see (from the link) that your human has studied cats. Poor darlings. Mine has done some of the same studies she did. Mine has studied long and hard. It's so sweet. And I can still so easily outwit her! LOL.
Now I look at your cat walk, I think it would also fit inside a human house. A range of walks like this would give valuable vertical space for indoor only cats. We cat flap cats can always run up a tree if we need to look down on our humans (so healing if we are feeling down hearted). Indoor cats sometimes don't have much vertical space.
So, you indoor cats reading this blog. Entice your human to the computer to read this. And get them working on some nice wooden walkways.
Love
George
PS. The photos are Nimai and Syoma's copyright.

Gratitude is not a Cattitude. No excuses for poor service.

Dear George,

I’ll try to be short since I’m using my laptop and I don’t know how long the battery will last. We have a major black-out in Toronto and we are “in the dark” J so to speak!

I have two issues to write about; one is about my teeth and one about my human.

But, let me start with my teeth. If you remember I’m a rescue. I lived my first few years on the streets and this took a toll on me. Lately I couldn’t eat and I lost a lot of weight. Thanks God my human is not dumb and she took me for a check up. The vet found out that I had a terrible gum and teeth infection and I couldn’t eat because of the pain. He operated on me and pulled out all my teeth except for the canines.

My Mom panicked that I won’t be able to eat now with no teeth. Au contraire! I eat very well and have no more pain. My picture attached will prove that I’m well and quite rounded (I got back to my 11.5 lbs). George, I hope other cats and their humans will learn from my experience that actually a cat with no teeth can still live a normal life – I’m an indoor cat, that’s true!

The second issue I want to write you about is my human. She spoiled me more then usual when I was sick and in pain. Now, that I’m back to normal she refuses to get up at 4 am and feed me or play with me. She is trying to ignore me. Can you imagine this? Her excuse? She’s too tired and stressed from work and she wants to sleep and rest.

But….how comes that she could do it when I was sick? I have a little trick to make her get up but I can tell she’s very upset. I start scratching the walls in the bedroom.

I don’t know what drives her nuts – the noise or the damaged wall?

Anyway, do you have a better solution? Please help.

Hugs

Shumba

Dear Shumba,

Humans do something called gratitude. It is an attitude of mind, an attitude of gratitude, which means that they are pathetically pleased when we pet them. We cats don't do it. Yes, your human has been an excellent house servant. Yes, she rescued you off the street. Yes, she paid the vet bills.

So what? She is only doing her duty.

Duty well done is rare in humans and of course, it needs rewarding with purrs and head rubs. But rewards given too freely, without being contingent on proper human behaviour, are devalued. Training theory is absolutely clear on this point. Never give a reward for nothing.

Punishment, in which I include scratching the wall, also works well on humans though there can be what is known as "fall out". When the punishment is administered, the human becomes aggressive. This is the risk of your very clever punishment device of wall scratching. The technique may need reviewing.

Of course, scratching is an understandable way of you expressing your frustration. Punishment is almost alway an emotional relief for the punisher, which is why both cats and humans purrsist in using it. If your human had her wits about her she would block the wall with furniture and supply a good scratching post. (I have tested several and decided that the Fat Boy post is the best for a good stable scratch). However, being a dumb creature of an inferior species, she may not go for this solution.

Aggressive humans throw stuff, scream and sometimes even hit cats. If you think this may occur at night when you scratch, I suggest you forget punishing her for lack of response and instead try rewarding her for the right response. Wake her up with loud purring in her ears, snuggle into her arms, turn round and round butting her face. She will be charmed into waking.

Mew piteously. Walk towards the door then jump back on to the bed. Start the laborious process of purr and rub all over again until she gets up to feed you. Keep doing this ten or twelve times.

We cats can out purrsist any human.

Love George

PS. Love the fat photo. Your tummy looks gorgeous.

About worms and blogs....

Dear George,
We have been very inspired by your blog and decided to do one of our own, regularly enlightening the humans of Marlborough on aspects of our lives in The Marlborough Weekly Advertiser. The side effect of this successful endeavour is that now we do not get a moments peace. Whilst relaxing in our usual sunspot on the window sill we are now constantly woken up by people knocking on the window calling our names, it can be quite annoying but we feel it is a small sacrifice for the greater good – promoting feline and human communications.
However, recently there is one problem we have not been able to overcome, I, Lily have been working hard to contribute to the household, and during the recent wet weather spent many hours out in the cold and wet waiting for just the right moment to catch my prey. And yet, every single time I bring this juicy present to my human, she picks it up and puts it back outside in the flower pot! She seems to be deranged!
Yours,
Lily and Neeka
PS. As you can see from the photos, Lily is doing much of the editorial and Neeko is busy with research, when they are not bringing in worms.

Dear Lily and Neeka,
We cats are colonising the internet. We are on Facebook. We are on Twitter (my colleague Tilly tweets from TillyUgliest Cat). And we blog. Boy do we blog Take a look at the cat blogosphere .
Worms, I am afraid to say, are a sign of your relative youth. Yes, I enjoyed bringing in worms as a youngster. So satisfying to see the face of humans when I dropped one on the pillow. Or the screech as she put her foot into a shoe which had a worm in it. But they are small game.
You will have much more fun with mice. Humans really freak out if you drop one on their bed. Particularly if it is still alive. Putting a dead one into a shoe is good too. But the best place,for getting your human's attention, is to stash one in her handbag. It never fails. Never. Try it.
Rats are even better and I dare say there are a lot of rats in Marlborough. But they are a bit of a challenge. I have brought in living rats but usually they jumped out of my mouth before I got to the bedroom. Keep me posted on your progress.
Love George

Hosts with the most at the cat cafe

Dear George,
We are five cats who have gone into business opening a cafe for cat hungry humans. It's called Cafe Neko, meaning cat in Japanese, and its in Vienna city centre. We just hang out and do the host and hostess stuff while our human Takako Ishimitzu organises the human food and drink. We had to train her to get a license from Vienna's human bureaucrats (crats not cats - cats wouldn't be so silly) who kept objecting on the grounds of hygeine.
Hygeine, can you believe it. We are the cleanest species on the planet and the humans (who can't even wash themselves with their own tongues) think it is unhygeinic for us to run a cafe. It took us three years before she successfully got past their objections. We all came from the animal shelter and our job is just to let the humans stroke us and talk to us. You can see a film of our cafe here.
Business is booming. As you can imagine, humans really enjoy the chance to interact with a superior species. The 50 seats are full most of the time.
There are 39 cat cafes in Japan and the first ever one opened in Taiwan in l998. So it is a growing trend. If you are passing through Vienna do drop in and see us.
Yours cheerfully,
Sonja, Thomas, Moritz, Luca and Momo
PS. The phone is of a Japanese cafe not the Vienna one.

Dear Sonja, Thomas, Moritz, Luca and Momo,
Cafe hosting is a splendid new business of cats. Here in the UK we have the occasional pub cat (see photo below) but the spoil sport bureaucrats (crats not cats) don't let cats into areas where food is sold. It's very unfair. Most working cats are employed in stables, or barns or outhouses as rodent operatives - and a very good job they do too.
Mabel the retail cat is perhaps the nearest we have to a working cafe cat. She has been particularly busy lately.
Ron my human newshound reports: "She decorated Clark's window on a sunny Wednesday morning, carefully using a sandal for a pillow. She got herself locked in Milletts overnight on Thursday (but didn't leave a mess of any sort). Friday morning she was refusing cheese at the stall but yowled until Ken cut her a slice of ham. On Saturday she was curled-up asleep in a basket of special offers on the counter of Trading Post record shop. Sunday she spend mostly in Works (remaindered books, cheap games etc) and yesterday after breakfast at Clark's she visited Superdrug."
I am dead envious of all of you. I live a quiet life in the country catching country mice but sometimes I yearn for the big city and a chance to get hold of town mice (and rats).
One thing I am pleased by. There are no bureaucats. We don't do bureacracy in any way.
George.

Art, artists and the life of a feline model

Dear George,

It’s me CAT Victoria and I’ll be very short as I’m very angry! A while back my human mommy took painting as a snobby hobby and everybody was happy for her. Lately she became completely selfish, self-centered and insensitive. The other day she asked me to sit still on a chair! How could I be still when the sun is out and the birds are singing in the trees? I just gave her “that look” and left the chair. Later I heard her saying that she’ll bring Cricket. I thought, yes! great….I’ll have something crunchy for dinner!

To my astonishment she came home with a cat! I mean another cat. IN MY HOUSE?

I heard her saying: “Cricket please sit on that chair! Beautiful! good girl” And that damn cat sit still and my monster mommy painted her (art attached) while I was watching them from …behind a sofa! She’ll send some paintings to an art exhibition soon and she’s beaming! And I’m so infuriated! How could she paint another cat for the expo? That’s not fair! I’m so shocked that I can’t even think straight. George, what should I do?

I feel hurt and mad! And she’ll expect me to be nice to her on Mother’s Day?

Forget about it! Maybe I re-home myself to a better mommy!

By the way, Happy Mother’s Day to all good mothers!

CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

No wonder you are hurt. Talk about adding insult to injury. Not just painting another cat but bringing that cat into your home. Don't feel obliged to be nice to her. We cats have no obligation. We are not dogs. We are quite happy to bite the hand that feeds us. We don't crawl to our humans. We make them crawl to us - metaphorically, of course.

Mother's Day? I have a wicked suggestion. Give her the sort of Mother's Day present that humans hate. Revenge is a dead mouse, a half alive rat, part of a cockroach, or a fat blue bottle. Place this offering where it will upset her most -- on the pillow as she wakes up on Mother's Day. Enjoy her reactions.

I have never been painted but my predecessors, Fat Ada and Little Mog, were painted by Celia's mother, the late Joyce Haddon - here are the pictures. Little Mog is the one on the left. Fat Ada is the black and white beauty.

Love George

Finding a chiropractor for cats

Dear George,

You didn’t hear from me lately as I was busy seeing a chiropractic doctor twice a week. I would like to share my experience with you all. I’d like to educate other cats and their human pets as too many times humans are not aware that there are other alternatives to allopathic (medical) care and they give up on us way too easy! My mommy read some of Dr. Schoen’s articles and somewhere he mentioned that a “good chiropractor can do miracles” and a “bad chiropractor can do much damage.” The problem is how do you recognize a good chiropractor? I’d tell you how – by the results he/she gets! One way is to ask around, wait by his/her door and ask the patients. Another way is by referrals from people you know and trust. But, I’m sure that anybody interested will find a way.

Last time you heard from me I was doing some intense chiropractic treatments at the holistic vet but, neither I or my mommy were too excited about the VOM geek – it was painful, too much pressure on my spine! Mom gave me a break and start asking around. She came across Dr. Leo Rosenberg, a chiropractor doctor for both us and our human pets! How wonderful! His nickname is “Dr. Miracle” and indeed he did some amazing things healing lots of cats, dogs, horses and of course humans. He is in practice for over 50 years. But, let me tell you about Dr. Leo. When I first got to his office I thought we got the wrong address and actually this was an “emergency vet clinic”; as one dog was going in and one dog was coming out! I learned that people travel from a long distance with their pets to get treated by him. I was a bit scared but he was such a sweetheart: very gentle, soft spoken, pocking fun and giving me the best massage I ever had on my back! He was very gentle in giving the adjustments, no cracking bones! It is a gentle, cumulative process! Actually I was so relaxed on his lap that I started purring. I felt much better right away and I could see progress in my getting back to normal; no more pain after treatments, actually being pain free and more active! Honestly….after his treatments l felt like I was coming from a spa not a doctor! I even got a” pink bathrobe” at home for the occasion (as you can see in the photo).

The funny thing is that Dr. Leo has two sons: Paul who sacrificed himself for humanity – he treats only our human pets (as they are more twisted then us) and Mark – who is a much younger but identical copy of Dr. Leo (even the voice) – who treats both animals and their human pets. Just like his daddy! But George, I don’t want to take to much space with my letter. Anybody interested can visit Dr. Leo’s website at: www.petsinmotion.ca

There are some videos posted there. And anybody interested in my particular condition and treatment can ask me privately. I’m sure you have good chiropractic doctors in UK as well. Amanda is one of them (you posted her contact info in an older post).

George, I sincerely hope that humans will consider all medical alternatives when it comes to their health and ours.

Love to all

Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,

Thank you for your experience which I am sure will be useful for other cats. Here in the UK chiropractic help cannot legally be given to animals without a vet's referral. Which is sensible because you need a chiropractor who understands animals and has experience in the field. The same applies to physiotherapists and osteopaths, some of whom also treat animals.

Celia says she isn't too keen on alternative health remedies but I notice she visits physios and osteopaths when her back hurts and takes a few supplements each day... sort of hypocritical, I think. But that is humans for you. She says she thinks alternatives should only be used as well as, not instead of, proper medical treatment. Grudgingly, I will admit that this makes sense.

Yours musingly,

George