Individuality, fat cats and judgemental humans

Hello George
I’m Rakishi (photo attached), a woolly black cat with a famously large tail. ( My male human says my father must have been a squirrel – that’s his idea of a joke).
I used to hang out with my friend Woody. We’d potter about the garden and sometimes have a nice lie-down near each other in the flowerbed outside my humans’ flat. I was sorry when he died. My humans said it was because he was so fat. He was only 10 kg.
I turned my attention to his flatmate Squawk, hoping he would be my pal instead. But I didn’t realise he’s a really awkward customer. No matter how hard I try he just won’t socialise with me, and sometimes he’s quite aggressive. When he’s angry and does his slow motion avoidance walk, I wait a minute and then go after him. I don’t like to give up, you see.
My humans are a cynical pair, and say he’s trying to take over my territory as he did with Woody’s, and that I don’t know the meaning of rejection (which is gobbledegook to me). They say that normal cats mostly keep themselves to themselves.
George, do you think I’m odd?
Happy mousing,
Rakishi

Dear Rakishi,
I don't think you are odd. I just think you are you. We cats are all raging individuals. We have different personalities (even human scientists, poor limited souls, admit that). Much of what we do in later life is affected by what happened in our kittenhoods. (If Freud had only studied cats and been less obsessed with sex, he might have had better insight into humans.)
Yes, cats can be very solitary by nature. Some really are the cats that walk by themselves. Others are quite sociable, particularly if they grew up in a home with lots of other cats. I am a natural loner but my companion cat, William, now alas passed away, liked other cats. He would hang out with next door's Siamese, Miss Ruby Fou. She was probably attracted by his beautiful long hair and elegant tabby and white colouring.
Squawk seems to be one of those natural loners. He may even be aggressive about his territory so I advise you to give him a wide birth. Even your elegant bushy tail may not be enough to make him change his mind. As I said, some cats are just like that and nothing much will change them.
You will have to make do with socialising with your humans. I admit that this isn't as good as the company of other cats. The poor dumb creatures have no idea of how to behave in a proper feline manner. I noticed in a photo that Celia showed me that it looked as if your female human had been influenced by your hair style - hers looked dark and sleek too. The male, alas, hasn't got enough hair to keep up with you.
But they do value you, Rakishi. They do. Put up with their faults and defects. Remember that kindness to humans pays off, usually with a bigger helping of cat food.
Happy mousing indeed.
George
PS. Your humans seem rather judgemental about fat cats.

Do humans have a sense of humour?

Dear George,

You'll see from this story in The Daily Mash - click here - that humans find it alarming when a cat is missing from their home. How can I reassure my human that my extended strolls are nothing to worry about?
What I find alarming, of course, is the human sense of humour. They spend hours with this kind of nonsense and completely fail to appreciate the amusement that a dead vole affords.

Scaramouche

Dear Scaramouche,

I agree with you that the humans sense of humour is warped and on most occasions non-existent. I have repeatedly brought in small rodents, not just voles but mice, to see if I could interest Celia in a game of Bat-That-Vole. Not a hope.

Once, after a great effort, I brought in a young rat still very much alive. At last, I thought, I have found something she will really enjoy. It leaped out of my mouth and on to the kitchen floor. Did she laugh? She screamed and left the room.

Then she came back with a Wellington boot. That looked better. Perhaps now we could have some sport with it. Maybe she would play Bat-That-Rat using the boot. The rat ran up the corner of the wall. She put the boot below and it fell right in. This seemed a promising first move in the game.

Then she ran outside with the boot and shook the rat out into the hedge. Spoilsport Human! After all my trouble! Humans really irritate me at times.

She also gets very worried about my extended twilight absences. She just doesn't understand that this is the best hunting time. Let her worry, say I. We cannot take responsibility for human feelings. I don't bother to reassure her. It is pointless.

Yours grumpily

George

Black, beautiful and very very rich......

Dear George,

I think I’m in love! I KNOW I’m in love! No, not with my so called boyfriend who only comes in for food and eats everything, my food, his food and whatever else he finds. (I know he’s using me just for food but I’m happy I can feed a hungry cat).

Well, I’m in love with Tommaso, the millionaire cat! It took me one look at him and I knew I’m in love. He is by now famous and the richest cat in the world but that’s not the reason I love him even if $13 millions he inherited won’t hurt me, right? Or the houses in Rome, Milan or Calabria! I don’t know how to clip his photo from internet but you’ll find him through Google and see for yourself how handsome he is.

He was rescued as a back alley cat in Rome. He is 4 and black! He looks exactly like you George but I know you won’t ever leave Celia for me! So, I think I’ll give my heart to Tommaso for now (but let me know if you ever change your mind regarding Celia, of course). I want to send Tommaso a note to see if he shares my feelings. I feel bold and wild and I want to impress him! So my dear George, how can I impress a handsome cat?

Love

CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

I so approve of your choice. Not because of his money but because of his dark and handsome looks. We black cats are, all of us, handsome as hell. Dark as the devil with angelic hearts. I found this photo of him on the web and have posted it here though I am not sure if it is really him. Can those dollar signs in his eyes be for real? You can read more about him here.

Getting a note to him is going to be difficult. We cats communicate by smell so somehow you have got to send him an item that smells of you - a half-chewed catnip mouse, a little piece of your bedding, or just a little tuft of fur! I am not a sophisticat, so I just don't know how to find out his address. The richer they are, the more difficult they are to contact in my experience.

Doesn't he look gorgeous. And what a wonderful life story - found on the street and then loved so much that his pet human left him her fortune. There is a human I would like to know. She must have had a loving heart to get a street cat rather than a pedigree. Wish there were more like her. We black cats are often the last to be chosen for adoption. Maybe Tomasso's example will inspire others to offer black cats a home.

In the meantime, Victoria, it's good to have a dream. Purr yourself to sleep in this new year with the thought of those deep golden eyes, that sleek black coat, and that dark black nose and those wonderful long black whiskers.....

Love George

PS. Thank you for the comment about his eyes. Yes, they do look green but the green is the dollar signs and behind is golden, I think. Or maybe just a paler shade of green. Not sure.

Happy Mew Year and a special thank you

Happy Mew Year to all my readers and their human pets. Although humans can be very tiresome a lot of the time, this is still the season of goodwill so spare a few rubs and purrs for them. Besides, there is still cold turkey in the fridge.... As they are probably getting tired of eating it, there should be a few bits for us cats.
This is my chance to thank Fluffy and Cayenne, two lovely cats who live in Canada. They are, with the help of their secretary Michelle, almost co-writers for this blog. It is they who interview other cats like Vegas and help put their letters here. They are tireless in their creativity. As a thank you I am putting on their photos.
Fluffy and Cayenne, I raise a mouse to you.
George
PS. I think the photo of them lying on the carpet suggests they eaten a bit too much this Christmas!

Christmas trees - a good chance to have feline fun

Dear George,

It’s me Vegas. If you remember I’m not one yet and this will be my first Christmas. I’m very excited but quite confused by my human behavior.

Of course I didn’t know what Christmas is and I’m not quite sure I understood it but I was happy when my human brought in the house a tree. At the beginning I thought this tree smelled like my litter but, after all… it’s fun to have a vertical litter box!) That night my human started to decorate the tree and called it “our Christmas tree”. That’s when my problems started as I thought this was a game and “Christmas tree” was the name of the game! I thought that at night my human will decorate the tree and next day I will take off the decorations and so on. I thought that whoever is faster will win. After a day or two I realized that my human is not enjoying our game. I started chewing on some decorations to motivate my human to be more active in the game but all I got was “bad cat! Santa Claus won’t bring you anything”. Now, I’m completely confused. Who’s Santa Claus? Is it Claus or Claws? Should I expect somebody else to join out game? What should I expect from this Santa guy? Should I finish taking the decorations off? I’m half through as you can see in the picture.

George, please share some wisdom and light!

Vegas

Dear Vegas,

You have discovered the true meaning of Christmas, the meaning that escapes humans. Christmas is for cats. Take, for example, the Christmas tree. What is it for? It's for cats. All those dangling bright ornaments, which are ideal to jump at, pull down and (like you) crunch up. Human think they look nice but they don't understand their true purpose -- ornaments are games for felines.

Christmas food is the same. Turkey - mmmmmmmmm. There's so much of it that you are bound to get a few bits of meat. And, if you patrol the kitchen and the dining table carefully, you will pick up some delicious fragments. And, don't forget the trash can. There's probably some delicious turkey skin there too. Just put your front paws on the top of it and pull down strongly. The whole thing will fall on the kitchen floor and the goodies will shoot out.

Yes, I love Christmas too. I don't like the behaviour of humans during this period. They drink too much catnip and behave like large and ungainly kittens. Sometimes they caterwaul strange noises called carols. But I have always loved the parcels round the tree. Such fun to pull off the ribbons, tear the paper, and push my nose through the cardboard into the contents.

Yummy Christ

mas, Vegas.

George

PS I have been sent a very nice Christmas drawing of Lily the cat, from my human friend Naimh. Here it is on the left. I think the ears are really good for a human who is only a kitten herself.