How do you teach humans proper Cat English?

Dear George,
I’m an 18 years old cat (almost 19) and I’ve always lived (quite happily) with my male human and his best friend, Zack – a German Sheppard. Last summer…not only that this woman moved in…but she brought along two little Boston Terriers – her dogs. I was quite surprised of this move, since I couldn’t see what her role would be in our household. I watched her for a while and came to the conclusion that definitely she couldn’t be our new housekeeper since she didn’t even cook, she couldn’t be a “bodyguard” since we had Zack….so, what was she doing in here?
One night I’ve heard my male human introducing her to his friends as HIS WIFE. What wife? Is he crazy? Since when does he need a wife and what for? George, tell me why on earth do men bring home their wives? We, cats, don’t! If we feel like getting a wife….we go out, have fun for a week or so and, then we kiss goodbye “our wife”, we don’t bring her home. We won’t lose our independence over a heart matter, right? Anyway, from that moment on…..my problems just started.
So, first thing she said? “I’m allergic to cats” – ya! buddy, lucky you! I made sure that I always slept on top of her head with my paws “lovingly” wrapped around her eyes.
I was ecstatic seeing her suffering (but, I have to give her credit that she did so in silence). Second thing she said? “There are rules in this house – why this cat doesn’t have to respect any of them?” What? Is she kidding me? Obviously, she doesn’t know that “cats rule the house”. But….my biggest problem is that she doesn’t understand Cat English! See, at the beginning I thought she’s giving me some cattitude!
I like to have my breakfast early in the morning and served at room temperature. So, first time (after she moved in) when I ordered my breakfast…..she didn’t even blink! I started being more and more vocal and loud – nothing! I’ve seen her panicking and asking herself: “what does this cat want”? At that time, my male human was already at work. See…I always make sure he’s not around when I do this. I was enjoying watching her running erratically throughout the house, not knowing what to do. But, then, it just struck me; not that she’s a bad person or having some sort of cattitude but….she doesn’t understand me when I’m talking to her! SHE DOESN’T SPEAK CAT ENGLISH!
So, here is my question to you, dear George; “how can I train her in proper Cat English”?
I mean, do you know of any books? I know these days these kids are all into computers, internet, Ipods, etc…..but I’m too old for all this. Is there any old, good method to teach? As you very well know…humans’ intelligence is quite limited (as is their vocabulary) They are not sophisticated beings as we, cats, are. My guess is that she is not very skilled at languages since the only language she speaks is …..dog English!
George, how did you train Celia? I can see that not only she understands all your orders…..but she’s good at typing your advice as well. Do you dictate to her or you give her written notes? May be I shall start carrying around little “written notes” like little flags (hopefully she’ll associate words with sounds).
With much hope,
Sebastian

Dear Sebastian,
Don't get me started on the human sex life. They are revolting. No proper times and seasons. Just up for it all the time. Can't decide whether they are monogamous or promiscuous. Confused... that is what their sexuality is. No idea that the proper decent thing to do is wait till the proper time, then go out and get it, as many times and as many matings as possible so as to have a nice little genetically varied bunch of kittens. Poor humans.
But can they speak cat English? There's a huge controversy in the cat world about whether humans understand language at all. They vocalise a lot. But they don't seem to understand the language of scent or feline body language. Dogs catch on to both fast, but though they are intellectually limited compared with cats, they are not as dumb as humans. Cats have tried to train humans using exaggerated body language or exaggerated scent messages (spraying in the house) and there are some signs that the former may work with some humans. But scent language seems beyond them. (The strange thing is that humans are trying to teach chimpanzees to use human vocalisation! Odd species, aren't they?).
As a start I suggest you get my book, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human (details on www.celiahaddon.com). It tells you how I trained Celia. Then start working with really simple instructions. My feeling is that you will get on better if you give up the idea that she can properly understand. Personally I think we attribute understanding to humans, when they are simply observing us carefully and interacting in a relatively unthinking way on the basis of simple learning - operant conditioning, as it is called. They do what works but they don't actually have mental concepts as we do - there's a bit about this, Fat Ada's canon, on the right hand side of this blog in red..
So just concentrate on simple human training - with reward and punishments. When you have established the right human behaviour, you can stop rewarding every time and put your rewards (purrs and rubs) on a variable schedule. This is known as intermittent reinforcement and works better in the long run that giving rewards every time. A bit like treat 'em mean (or a little mean) and keep 'em keen.
Best of luck, Sebastian. Remember, humans are happier when they are properly trained.
George

How to make your human explode - such fun.

Dear George
Like me you must find it incredibly annoying that your mum believes herself to be an authority on cat behaviour? I can't do anything naughty without her coming up with several reasonable explanations why I am behaving badly and never reacts how I want her to. Dad's easy all I have to do is scratch the back of the chair and he goes ballistic but what can I do to get mum to explode? What do you do?
I have tried the following:
1. Early morning weaving between legs on stairs and in the bathroom: Reaction: Zilch
2. Yowling at 4.15am early morning with added weird effect from having dead mouse in jaws Zilch
3: Looking really snottily at food when it's the second half of the tin (cold from fridge) She just leaves it.
4: Muddy daisy prints on newly washed duvet Laughs.
5: Increased the anti and left a bit of pooh hanging whilst walking on NEW duvet leaving muddy daisy prints Undignified use of tissue (arghhhhh)
6: Leaving stomach and/or spleen of rabbit for her to tread in Over use of tissues again
7: Removing ham from between two pieces of bread left out for the kids The kids prefer chocolate spread.
So what is left and please explain that this sort of environmental entrenchment is very important for the well being of cat kind.
Lots of nose dabs and upright tails
Riff Raff.

Dear Riff Raff,

I am impressed by your human's phlegm. I always found that a mouse - living, of course - had an electric effect on my humans if presented on the bed at 4 am. So much so that after the first presentation, accompanied by screams from Celia leaping out of bed, she became even more careful to shut the cat flap at night. The odd thing is that Celia loves and used to keep mice. It's something about them on the bed, I think. Very satisfying. If your human doesn't respond to a mouse, try a rat or a even a snake. Clari, who lives in France, is a snake killer who puts real fear into her humans - see http://george-online.blogspot.com/2008/04/cat-kills-viper-beat-that-all-you-cats.html.
Early morning weaving is very effective chez moi. Ronnie has peripheral vascular disease and is unsteady on his feet. I haven't yet succeeded in bringing him crashing to the ground but there's a good chance I will be able to. Weaving really gets their attention and I think it's so innocently sweet the way they think it proves we love them.
Bits of mice and rabbit. The garden is strewn with tiny and sometimes quite large corpses now that the rabbit breeding season is here. Once again, perhaps this time due to love of mice, Celia hates them and is nearly sick while wielding the tissue. She's been known to say: "Why did I have cats?" though she accepts that carnivore pets must be allowed to hunt.
I spend my time either hunting, sleeping or snacking. If I was feral cat, I would have to hunt to live but nature has designed me so I live to hunt. Hours are happily spent waiting at mouseholes or trying to creep up on rabbits. It's the sheer joy, deep in the reward centres of the brain, that makes me play with dead mice - throwing them into the air and leaping after them.
George
PS. Here's Celia's list of some cheap food-dispensing toys for indoor cats. Nothing as good as hunting, but at least it is a little like catching your own food.

Inner toilet rolls with the ends closed with brown parcel sticky tape. Make large holes in it, in order to train your cat to find food by rolling it. Then do a new one with smaller holes.
Smartie tubes. These don’t roll as easily as toilet tubes but can be used without sticky tape.
Cereal packets – just leave a biscuit at the bottom end so the cat has to hook it out.
Cereal packets, close the top and make a large circular hole on one of the bigger flat sides. Be careful that this hole is either bigger or smaller than the cat’s head so the head doesn’t get stuck. (If it can, it will).
Printer cartridge boxes. Just close them in the way they close. The cat will have to pull them open.
Newspaper. Hide food between pages. You can tape newspaper pages into hidey holes or tunnels.
Paper (never plastic) bags – put food inside. This could be tied at top (use natural not nylon string) and hung from a doorknob to make it more difficult.
Cardboard (not plastic) egg boxes. Just place food at the bottom of each well without closing the top. Cats with large paws will find it difficult to hook this out.
You could make your own feeding tree (as seen in big cat zoo enclosures). Take a rough large pole, drill in some holes, then put it upright on a stand. Cat has to climb to hook out the food. There’s a picture of a not very good one on www.celiahaddon.com
Note - if you have a cardboard-eating cat apart from the last suggestion these are a bad idea.

Of Mice and Men!

Dear George,
Here I’m back with my report (as promised!). Reading your comments gave me an excellent idea - to test my humans hunting abilities to see if they are any good. ☺
Not being as altruistic as my sister, I think that having them working around the clock (for us, cats, of course) its’ just normal! I agree that work is for men and dogs, not cats! Remember John Lennon singing “It’s been a hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog? See what I mean? Man & dog = perfect match for hard work ☺
Anyway, here is what happened Sunday! I started by playing Beatles’s song, just to get them used to the idea of hard work! Guess what! They didn’t get the message….they just enjoyed the music! Phew!
Then Cayenne told me that “Of Mice and Men” was playing somewhere downtown.
Excellent! – Seeing this should give them the idea that men hunt for cats!
So, I rushed and got tickets for all four of us. What a disappointment! First of all, it was not about “mice” (I don’t know what Steinbeck was thinking of when he wrote it); it was about a man who took a woman for a mouse and petted her to death! Phew! Phew! Phew! THIS WAS NOT HUNTING! I don’t know what it was, but my male human seemed pretty touched and my female human (guess) was crying! Crying? Why? One does not cry over a mouse; one eats the mouse! Then, in despair, I said to my sister “let’s give it a last try”. So, we decided to take them on a night hunting spree! When the night came, we took them to a good place (where we knew few mouse holes) and showed them where to hide and wait! I was holding my breath waiting to see the first little mouse caught by my humans! BIG, BIG, BIG disappointment! I could not believe it! THEY ARE USELESS! They lack the passion, the patience and the enthusiasm for hunting. He was completely restless and she was giggling every minute.
I swear I could hear mice laughing at us! George, how can you train humans to hunt for cats? Did you train Celia? Did she catch anything yet? I mean….she’s your secretary; after all….this should be part of her job, right? Oscar Snuggles what about your staff? The Island Cats? Let me hear from your experience guys!
Love,
Fluffy
Dear Fluffy,
Training humans to hunt mice is the only area of training where I have absolutely failed. Like you and your sister, I have tried. Over and over again. I started by bringing home corpses. I thought that perhaps they would eat them and get the taste for it, so to speak. Then I tried bringing home the corpses and playing with them to give the humans the idea. I would throw them up into the air and pursue them. Play hunting - here's a photo of me in action near the dustbin. It should have been obvious to them what to do but they didn't join in.
Then, I went the whole hog and started bringing in living mice through the cat flap. It seemed to me that these would be irresistable. After all, I find them irresistable. I put them in the kitchen, the living room, the utility room and, if the cat flap hadn't been closed at night, I would have brought them upstair and placed them on the bed in the middle of the night. My predecessor Fat Ada used to do that.
Mice obviously weren't hitting the spot. Perhaps they were too small. So I brought in a couple of rats. The first one jumped out of my mouth before I got into the kitchen. The second I got safely through the cat flap and it, very enticingly, ran up the corner of the kitchen wall almost to ceiling level. Celia noticed that one and held a welly underneath it, into which it fell. Then what did she do? Chucked the whole welly, rat and all, into the garden. In one final effort I brought in a couple of baby rabbits. She "rescued" these. Why? I can't imagine. She's always complaining about the way they eat her veg.
But humans aren't rational. What is so silly, and so touching, about this intellectually limited species is that they think they are. All in all, I've given up trying to teach them to hunt mice. Let me know if you have any success in the future. I never have. I admire your persistence and your patience with them.
George
I've given up.

My plan to 'recession proof' my food

Dear George,
Since the theme of the day is “recession and economic turmoil”, I think I came up with a pretty good plan to secure my food deposit and inspire other cats (since the future depends on us). I’m going to sell bananas – see picture attached!
Our humans are vegetarians, so we have plenty of fruits & veggies in the house. They won’t mind me taking a banana now and then. Plus…it’s much safer than selling mice!
I mean…what Mog will “mug me” for a banana? Or…what human will resist buying one from me? Comm’on…how many times in a “human life” can one buy bananas from a cat? I can sell for a higher price since my products are “fair trade” or “locally grown”.
With the profit I can open a corner store! At night I can leave few bread crumbs here and few bits of cheese there….and (did you get the picture?) MICE will come in!
I can hunt all night with my sister and we can freeze quite a large “food deposit”.
Our humans will get a good night rest (no wake up at 4 am), plus our female human won’t be horrified by the sight of “our freezer” since she has no business to be in the store. I know I’ll be too tired next day to sell, but I’m going to hire a kitty (a kid looking for its first job, you know) to work few hours per day for me while I’m sleeping.
So, what do you think George? I mean…with my plan… I’m sure I’m helping global economy, increase my humans’ household income and help them to get a good night sleep, I’m creating new jobs, secure my future food, plus having fun with my sister.
I really think President Obama not only should he get a cat (and not a dog), but he should hire cats for all top governmental jobs.
Dogs are only “yes-sayers”; WE CATS are creative and come up with real solutions!
Hugs,
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
At first I was not sure I liked the idea of "work". Play, yes. Eat, yes. Mooch around doing nothing in particular, yes. Sleep yes, yes, yes. And hunting.....purrrrrrrr . But work? Work for your humans? Shouldn't they be working flat out for you?
However the idea of combining a fruit stall for humans with mice for you made me think twice about this. I mean, the general rule must be that we cats come first in the household, and humans should be at our beck and call. But clearly this ridiculous fur-less species has got itself into a hole (alas, not a mouse hole) and perhaps the superior species. Felis silvestris catus, has got to break the habit of a lifetime and do something altruistic. I really admire you for thinking outside the litter box.
Couldn't agree more about Obama. The problem with the banking system fat cats was that they were not cats. They were humans. Time for a new species label of Homo non-sapiens, perhaps. If cats ruled the world, things would be very different.
Indeed there's an old Chinese folk tale that cats did once rule the world. After several thousand years of trying to cope with plagues, volcanic eruptions, floods, war, folly and greed, they called a conference of all the wisest cats - a sort of C-20 conference. After serious and long deliberation, they agreed that these problems were insoluble and it was a waste of time trying to do anything about them.
So they handed over ruling the world to men, who were stupid enough to think that they could do something about them.
Hugs and rubs,
George Online Cat
PS. A reminder - send me your posts and photos via www.celiahaddon.com

How do you take revenge on your humans?

Dear George, Inspired by the general worries about the economy, I thought starting my own “food bank”. I mean….banks rise and fall (see what’s happening in the human realm?) but I still think it’s worth a try. If I open a “cat food bank” not only that I’ll have my food secured, but I can even make a profit charging a reasonable interest on “mice deposits” when other cats will come to borrow, right? See George, I have the “street smarts”; I was rescued from streets at an early age. I guess I was only 4 weeks old when my female human found me. Anyway, last Sunday….I went hunting thinking that if I start early I can “increase” my assets considerably by the time the economic crisis will reach a peak. After hours and hours of waiting in a bloody cold I finally caught my first “would-be” deposit. I hurried back in the house and “deposited” it in the laundry room thinking that it’s the safest place for the time being. I mean….it was Sunday after all….what human will even enter the laundry room? Well…..my female human did! And ….she “knew” immediately! It is possible that she’s a mix? I mean something human-cat? Can she smell mice? I know she can purrr! But she won’t eat mice! Au contraire! She looked completely disgusted and threw out my first asset – just like that…..“blowing in the wind”. I was fuming! THIS can not go unpunished! Not only that she threw away my food deposit but she was destroying my young entrepreneurial spirit. So…I was thinking of a way to punish her; should I let her sleep alone? No, that’s too easy – she might even enjoy having the whole bed for herself! Should I look unhappy? I can’t …since she’s already making that “unhappy & upset” face. May be I should refuse to eat? No, my brother will eat all and I hate this happening. Then….it struck me! I’m going to pee (excuse my language) on her freshly done laundry. This should teach her a lesson! And…..so I did! I can tell you that she was still in shock today! George, do you think I was too tough? I mean….I know she saved my life….but wasting my food? Can you suggest any other punishment? What other cats think? A bit confused, Minnie
Dear Minnie,
Thank you for a very creative contribution to the Great Debate on Food and Humans. Fluffy has suggested storing dry kibble round the house. Oscar Snuggles is getting on with the serious business of hunting down further food supplies, such as young rabbits. William the Wimp is coming out of winter hibernation on Celia's bed, to start on his summer campaign to rid the nearby fields of bunnies. His only problem with the potential recession food threat, is that he will only eat the head, though his former companion Fat Mog ate every little bit except the four paws.,
I thnk peeing on the laundry was a wonderfully inspired idea for human punishment. I am not surprised that your human was in shock. Brilliant choice of location. Brilliant leadership move to make yourself Alpha cat. Congratulations, Minnie. You are the inspiration for the dark days of the recession ahead.
George
PS. This post is short from me - though deservedly long from Minnie, because my secretary Celia is off to Sparsholt College for a week's lectures.