How do you teach humans proper Cat English?

Dear George,
I’m an 18 years old cat (almost 19) and I’ve always lived (quite happily) with my male human and his best friend, Zack – a German Sheppard. Last summer…not only that this woman moved in…but she brought along two little Boston Terriers – her dogs. I was quite surprised of this move, since I couldn’t see what her role would be in our household. I watched her for a while and came to the conclusion that definitely she couldn’t be our new housekeeper since she didn’t even cook, she couldn’t be a “bodyguard” since we had Zack….so, what was she doing in here?
One night I’ve heard my male human introducing her to his friends as HIS WIFE. What wife? Is he crazy? Since when does he need a wife and what for? George, tell me why on earth do men bring home their wives? We, cats, don’t! If we feel like getting a wife….we go out, have fun for a week or so and, then we kiss goodbye “our wife”, we don’t bring her home. We won’t lose our independence over a heart matter, right? Anyway, from that moment on…..my problems just started.
So, first thing she said? “I’m allergic to cats” – ya! buddy, lucky you! I made sure that I always slept on top of her head with my paws “lovingly” wrapped around her eyes.
I was ecstatic seeing her suffering (but, I have to give her credit that she did so in silence). Second thing she said? “There are rules in this house – why this cat doesn’t have to respect any of them?” What? Is she kidding me? Obviously, she doesn’t know that “cats rule the house”. But….my biggest problem is that she doesn’t understand Cat English! See, at the beginning I thought she’s giving me some cattitude!
I like to have my breakfast early in the morning and served at room temperature. So, first time (after she moved in) when I ordered my breakfast…..she didn’t even blink! I started being more and more vocal and loud – nothing! I’ve seen her panicking and asking herself: “what does this cat want”? At that time, my male human was already at work. See…I always make sure he’s not around when I do this. I was enjoying watching her running erratically throughout the house, not knowing what to do. But, then, it just struck me; not that she’s a bad person or having some sort of cattitude but….she doesn’t understand me when I’m talking to her! SHE DOESN’T SPEAK CAT ENGLISH!
So, here is my question to you, dear George; “how can I train her in proper Cat English”?
I mean, do you know of any books? I know these days these kids are all into computers, internet, Ipods, etc…..but I’m too old for all this. Is there any old, good method to teach? As you very well know…humans’ intelligence is quite limited (as is their vocabulary) They are not sophisticated beings as we, cats, are. My guess is that she is not very skilled at languages since the only language she speaks is …..dog English!
George, how did you train Celia? I can see that not only she understands all your orders…..but she’s good at typing your advice as well. Do you dictate to her or you give her written notes? May be I shall start carrying around little “written notes” like little flags (hopefully she’ll associate words with sounds).
With much hope,
Sebastian

Dear Sebastian,
Don't get me started on the human sex life. They are revolting. No proper times and seasons. Just up for it all the time. Can't decide whether they are monogamous or promiscuous. Confused... that is what their sexuality is. No idea that the proper decent thing to do is wait till the proper time, then go out and get it, as many times and as many matings as possible so as to have a nice little genetically varied bunch of kittens. Poor humans.
But can they speak cat English? There's a huge controversy in the cat world about whether humans understand language at all. They vocalise a lot. But they don't seem to understand the language of scent or feline body language. Dogs catch on to both fast, but though they are intellectually limited compared with cats, they are not as dumb as humans. Cats have tried to train humans using exaggerated body language or exaggerated scent messages (spraying in the house) and there are some signs that the former may work with some humans. But scent language seems beyond them. (The strange thing is that humans are trying to teach chimpanzees to use human vocalisation! Odd species, aren't they?).
As a start I suggest you get my book, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human (details on www.celiahaddon.com). It tells you how I trained Celia. Then start working with really simple instructions. My feeling is that you will get on better if you give up the idea that she can properly understand. Personally I think we attribute understanding to humans, when they are simply observing us carefully and interacting in a relatively unthinking way on the basis of simple learning - operant conditioning, as it is called. They do what works but they don't actually have mental concepts as we do - there's a bit about this, Fat Ada's canon, on the right hand side of this blog in red..
So just concentrate on simple human training - with reward and punishments. When you have established the right human behaviour, you can stop rewarding every time and put your rewards (purrs and rubs) on a variable schedule. This is known as intermittent reinforcement and works better in the long run that giving rewards every time. A bit like treat 'em mean (or a little mean) and keep 'em keen.
Best of luck, Sebastian. Remember, humans are happier when they are properly trained.
George