Victor Meldrew? Not any more now I am loved. Well, less grumpy!

Dear George
A few years ago your wretched secretary described me as a Victor Meldrew sort of cat (after the British TV series about a grumpy oldie). Maybe I was rather grumpy. I had spent a lot of time in catteries and then in rescue, so it was quite understandable that I used to swipe my claws at interfering humans. Yes, I admit it. I growled a lot too. It got them out of my space.
But, George, and this is the point of this letter, I am now a happy relaxed cat thanks to Louise who adopted me. Somehow when she came to Battersea Cat and Dog Home, she looked a sort of OK human - not something you can say about all of them. With a huge effort of self control, I refrained from biting her. And she took me home - forever.
It was rather a strain for me and I spent a few days under the bed. When I emerged I began to settle in and occasionally - just to please them - I will even sit on their lap. Do I bite and claw? Of course, I do, when I think they deserve it. But Louise is a sensible human who has learned to obey me. She occasionally has issues about how much space I leave for her in my bed (why doesn't she use one of the other 4 beds?) but otherwise has become a really good pet. And I am now training her mother in law, who doesn't like cats. I am working on her and she is coming round.
Regards, Louis

Dear Louis,
I remember the article in the Daily Telegraph and I recall thinking that Celia had perhaps been rather unfair on you. After all why shouldn't a cat in rescue be rather grumpy? It's no fun being banged up in a prison cell. Besides some of us cats just don't like humans very much and, alas, we have good reason for it. They abandon us in rescue centres and the worst ones just turn us out to starve on the streets.
I am glad that Louise has shaped up to become a good pet for you, Louis. Obviously, you were always going to be the sort of owner who demands a lot from their human, which probably meant that you spent more time than you ought in rescue. A word to all cats out there currently up for adoption, PRETEND to be nice. Deception pays off with these simple minded humans.
However, there are good humans like Louise who will take home difficult (in their eyes) cats. We need them.
Love George
PS. One of your fans says: "He looks a bit like a grumpy general with his white moustache and long whiskers and he leans on one elbow when he lies down or stretches out his front legs and crosses his paws over in front of him in what we call posh paws."

Love, celibacy, sex ... and the single cat.

Dear George,
Your comment on the Asian characters prompted me to search out the old comments you had posted, and then, what I could not read myself, I scrabbled out with my poor declawed paws from my human’s collection of dictionaries. She fancies herself a “linguist.” Apparently humans believe that they can extract some sort of coherent message from their vocalizations, and so waste their time writing it down. I am pretty sure that these literary projects are rewritten by thoughtful cats, as they do eventually make some sense. Since you are unsure of my translations, I provide them to you. These are taken from the blog post of May 2, 2009, and are as follows:
1. Star Beach—Reliable site! Until now, people have been reluctant to play online, but HERE you can get to the ideal HETEROSEXUAL site…
2. Registration is required to meet many girls from all over! Free Free Free dating community!! Participate..;
3. Strongest available horse betting information! Real odds, real grades…
4. If you’re like me, you’re the type who likes the volatile nursery-tale older-brother character….[this one made me a bit ill, George, so I stopped there).
Following my efforts, I required a good rest in the window, to examine the juicy little spring birds, as you can see in the attached photo. The dictionary made as handy a prop as any. I hope this helps…
Regards
Puss-Puss

Dear Puss-Puss,
I have been naive. I have been foolish. I have taken humans on trust - always, always a mistake. When the comments first appeared in these exotic oriental scripts, I was excited. At last, I thought, my blog has become truly international. Cats as far away as Japan and China and other places are reading it. I wonder what useful advice they have been giving for the training and husbandry of their humans. How wrong I was.
I should have known from my studies of human ethology, that humans (or apes as Wicky Wuhdler calls them) are a species absolutely obsessed with sex, a species so unutterably perverse that they have no special season for it, and have invented unnatural ways to have sex without kittens. Truly, an inferior species, without proper feelings and without sexual boundaries.
Do we indulge in "dating communities" or "heterosexual online sites"? We do not. Those of us - and there are not that many in the pet community - who begin to feel a seasonal interest in sexual activity simply go out on to the rooftops and make the yodelling and singing noises that humans term caterwauling. We greet each other, meet each other, and under the light of the moon we make love in the natural way. The kittens are born a few weeks later.
I, like many cats who own humans, am celibate, a state that was inflicted upon me by my humans but one with which I am very happy. As a superior spiritual feline, I feel no need at all to take part in midnight sexual activites. If I did, I would let myself out of the catflap and respond to nature, rather than go online and seek out so called sites. As it is, I do not have sex. Nor do I bet. At all. And I am very upset to find that my blog has been hijacked by these unscrupulous low life humans.
Thank you for your hard work with the dictionary and I hope your declawed paws were not too sore. (For a site about the cruelty of declawing read http://kattaddorra.blogspot.com/ Not your current human's fault, I know). I am immensely impressed by your linguistic skill and scholarship, Puss-Puss.
I cannot seem to find a way to wipe these off, but at least no more revolting insights into human sexuality will defile the feline scholarship and good sense of this blog.
With gratitute,
George
I have added the photo of you resting after emailing me as well as you with the dictionary.

Easter and those bunnies....

Dear George,

You must be pretty busy this week with your secretary away to college. I think you are too kind to her! I know she’s in your employment for a long time but….I can assure you there are lots of bunnies and kittens out there willing to work for you. I’m not saying that Celia is not doing a good job! Probably she does; but…..think of all those kittens - how purrfectly fit for a secretarial job J

George, I can’t get over the fact that she left you alone before Easter!

Hope she’s in London buying Easter catnip eggs & bunnies for you. I know I’ll get lots of gifts this Easter! Tutu, my bunny friend is not that enthusiastic. Guess….being a bunny is not easy around Easter time. But no one will hurt her!

George, I have a question! I heard my humans saying that we’ll play “eggs hunting”. What is “eggs hunting”? Do cats really “hunt” eggs? Is it similar to “hide and seek”? My friend, I’ll give you a “high five” (see photo) if you’ll answer my question in time.

Wishing all cats, bunnies and their humans a safe and Happy Easter!

High five

Frederico

Dear Frederico

We cats should probably make it a condition of employment that our humans stay at home throughout the year - no absences "on holiday" or "on vacation"; no weekends away from home; working hours 24 hours a day. But we don't. One of the responsibility of human ownership is to make sure our humans have time for themselves. Not too much time for themselves but some time. That is why I allow Celia (for the time being) four weeks away each year for education. She is doing on the job learning - applied animal behaviour. This will be of use to her in her job looking after me.

But it is very inconvenient, all the same. I put up with it but I do not like it.

Easter eggs do not interest me, at least not the ones made of chocolate. The real eggs, oblong with a hard casing, and with delicious yellow and transparent glutinous liquid inside are far better. My predecessor, Fat Ada, had the skill to bite through the egg packets, and then bite through the egg itself freeing the delicious liquid inside. She had learned this during a spell on the London streets, where she also learned how to stand up and pull down a dustbin (of the old metal kind). I have had a crack at egg opening but I have never managed to do it. I have to wait until one gets spilled on the kitchen floor.

Rabbits seem to be more visible at Easter but I know it is not a good time for them. So many humans just buy one and bring it home and then keep them in a small tiny hutch. If you are interested in rabbits look at http://www.rabbitwelfare.co.uk They have a Make Mine Chocolate scheme. Of course - I hope Harvey doesn't read this - I prefer the real thing.

Love George

Why must humans have kittens of their own?

Dear George,

I do not understand why humans want to have kittens of their own when they have us!

What’s wrong with them? Isn’t serving and loving us sufficient? My humans decided to have a kitten without even asking me! One day I came home and there was this little cry that scared the hack out of me!

Now, I must admit that he is a cute kitten! So cute that he could pass as one of mine. The human kitten is 1 ½ year old now and thinks I’m his mother or something. He tries to kiss me or sleep on me (as you can see in the picture) or feed me. He scares me big time as he screams (with joy) each time he sees me.

I have mixed feelings! I can re-home myself across the street with an elderly couple. I live (on and off) with them for almost 1 year now. My female human is really upset. They want me back home but …..if I come back …I want their full attention.

George, what should I do? Move back home and embrace this kitten as one of mine?

Maybe you or other cats can share some tricks on how to deal with human kittens?

Stunned

Trixy

Dear Trixy,
Most good human owners wish they could neuter and spay their humans. In any cat-human relationship it becomes clear that humans are slave to their sexual urges. They do it all the time. Only a sensible programme of one-off birth control - snip and spay as I call it - will do the trick. Alas, though they can do it to us, we can't do it to them. Our only possibility is to purrsuade them to go ahead and choose neutering or its human equivalent (a choice which they don't allow us).
It is mystery to me why humans should opt for human kittens in the first place. Children are no substitute for cats. They are born bald, completely helpless, without whiskers (these only grow on maturity or old age), and they cannot walk for months and months. Compared with proper kittens, they are (to speak frankly and without being politically correct) retarded. There is simply no comparison but I am afraid we just have to put up with their funny and unintelligent ways...
Should you move back home with the human kitten? No, but visit at meal times. There is no reason why you should not have two homes. Lots of humans do this. Treat the elderly couple as your home for sleeping, quiet contemplation and normal meals. Pop back to your original home for a second round of meals and a little interaction with the human kitten. Two timing humans is fun for cats.
Speaking of neutering, I have been told (not sure how accurate it is) that some of the Japanese and Chinese comments being put on this blog are sexual. As a cat that has had the snip (unlike my irresponsible owners now luckily too old for reproduction) I am concerned about this. So for the time being - until I can find a Japanese or Chinese cat to translate comments for me - comments that I cannot understand will have to be rejected. Many apologies for any Japanese or Chinese mewing cats out there, whose comments cannot be shown.
Love George
PS. Ways to get away from human kittens include pet gates on the stairs (you can go up: they can't) http://www.pet-gates-direct.com and crates which are nice places to sit as they can't get in. http://www.petamenities.com

Why do my humans think they know best? They don't.

Dear George,
There is a rumour going around that rabbits like to get up early. I don't know how it started - probably by my distant country relatives who have to find their own food. They can dash about in the early hours as much as they like but I like my snooze time. I like a very slow awakening.
I ignore my family when they come downstairs and start their human chatter. "Good morning Harve." No, it's not good. It's early. "Where are you, Harve?" Where do you think I am at 7.30am? In bed! "Are you hiding, Harve?" No, I've left home. Go away.
And another thing, they're starting to persuade me to go outside for a run. I was picked up this morning and carried around the garden. "Look, Harve, a snowdrop!" So what? If a snowdrop wants to sit around in the cold garden, let it. "Look Harve, a birdie!" A birdie? Are they the things that have been eating my raisins all winter? Naturally, as soon as I was put down, I ran for home.
George, I am not a rabbit. I am a bun, a house bun. Which word don't they understand? How should I convince them I am simply a furry person with his own preferences in life?
Harvey the House Bunny, http://harvey-diaryofaninspirationalbunny.blogspot.com/

Dear Harvey,
I am not sure about house rabbits but I know that wild rabbits like to get up early - dawn, preferably. It is one of the many reasons why I wake up my humans at 6 to 6.30am. They are sluggish pets that would prefer to doze longer, particularly on a Sunday. But I like to get up, have my breakfast served to me, sit on my copy of The Times (while they are reading it) for a quick chat with them, and then out through the cat flap for early morning hunting.
Of course, waking times apart, you raise a valid point. Why do humans think we are all the same. We cats, house rabbits and even those poor deluded dogs, are all individuals. Some of us like to rise bright and early, while others like a very good lllllooooonnnggg zzzzzzzzzzzz. There's something odd about the human inability to realise that one cat is not necessarily like another cat, or one house bunny like another house bunny. As you say, we have our own individual preferences.
Mind you, I think this hardly applies to humans. As a lower form of life, the apes, as Wicky Wuudler calls them, they need a sensible routine. We cats and you house rabbits cannot just let them go their own way. We should aim to install proper waking times (to suit our needs), sensible eating (with our share from the table), and times when they leave us alone. It's important not to respond to their attention seeking, as any human trainer knows. Make them earn our attention by good behaviour. I think it is called a Learn to Earn programme in human training circles. It takes time for dumb animals like humans to learn but they will eventually get it.
Love George
PS. If anybody reads Japanese would they tell me if the posts that I have enabled are OK. The script looks beautiful for me and i hope they are all funny cat comments. But I can't be sure. They might all be ads for viagra for all I know - which is my ignorance of a beautiful and cultured language. Very very reluctantly, I have decided I dare not add comments which I do not understand just in case this blog is littered with obscenities (despite being run by a neutered cat). Please forgive me. English is welcome, though.