Help me find my “inner kitten”!

Dear George,
I’m often told that I’m too serious; too much reading and studying!
But I can’t be laying on my back waiting for my humans to rub my belly
or rolling over making that “small talk” (meow-meow) noise like my sister Fluffy does!
I know she makes them laugh, but I can’t be frivolous! I have an important mission! I have to solve all kind of crisis! I was a cute, playful kitten – see picture attached (Fluffy and me when we were 7 weeks old), but I grew up and I’m more interested in helping other cats and animals. I wish I could manifest more “joie de vivre” in a sense that I could be more like my sister; worry free and always looking for excitement!
George, help me find my inner kitten ☺
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
The first change is attitude. Cultivate an attitude of cattitude. This includes taking for granted all human efforts on your behalf. We cats find that gratitude (if we are strange enough to feel it) simply weighs us down in our cat-humanpet relationship (or as Wicky Wuddler puts it cat-ape relationship). The food, the beds, the caresses are our due. Cat worship is what these apes/humans should be exhibiting. Train 'em harder if they are falling short.
Once you have floated free from gratitude, play. This is the inner kitten bit. Everything that exists is a potential cat toy, from a fallen bean on the kitchen floor, to the hair of your human. Poke, prod, jump, roll, nibble, groom and throw it.
The whole human body is a potential adventure playground for cats. Jump on the groin first thing in the morning. Bite the toes that poke out of the duvet. Place yourself on the abdomen in the small hours and have a thorough wash. Sleep on the lap. Share the shower. Sit on the side of the bath and play boats with any human bits protuding from the foam. Play with human hair from the safety of the top of the armchair. Ambush your human on the stairs, on the sofa, from behind the door....
Tease them. When they have friends over for a meal, dig loudly in any litter trays nearby and mew while you poo. Jump up on the table and start eating the butter. Play with shoe laces. Experience the pleasure of a good ripping noise as you claw your human's tights. Thrill as you rub your fur against their best trousers.
JDI, Cayenne. Just Do It. You're worth it.
Love George

Mice training for humans - my brilliant idea

Dear George,
I've trained my human to catch mice and other little furries! All you have to do is bring them indoors still alive and squeaking, then drop them and wait. The male human generally shouts out for the female one, then goes round shutting doors, and usually picks me up and takes me away somewhere while the female has to chase the mouse. She's getting quite good at it, but I don't know why her paws aren't any use - she always has a towel or a duster or something that she drops on the prey. I don't quite know what she thinks she's doing with it after that, but she goes out to the other end of the garden where it's a bit wild near the fence, and comes back with the cloth flapping. It may be clever of a human to catch things but it's really stupid to let them go! Why not try a taste? I recommend mouse or vole as a starter, though shrew isn't worth eating, and rat is only any good when young. It's funny how I feel hungry after eating my catch, and usually top up with a lot of biscuits. Humans just don't get it, do they?
Love Foggy,
PS This is me and Pansy on the bed.

Dear Foggy,
Training humans to chase mice is a good game. It's very amusing to see them blunder about crashing into the furniture, lying on their tummies poking mice from under the cooker, and generally doing their poor best. Some even jump up onto chairs and scream. Very satisfying.
There are other amusing things to do with a dead, or even a living mouse. Probably the best is simply to carry it into the bedroom and push it under the bedcovers, where it can be discovered later on in the evening by the human. Usually this results in a scream and jumping out of bed fast.
Other places to put a dead mouse include paper envelope files (my predecessor Fat Ada left one there), into the handbag (if it is left open), pushed down into shoes where it will not be discovered until the foot goes in, or - this is the big one - put it into the toaster. Your human will discover it when she comes down bleery eyed in the morning and if she only puts in one slice of bread, the smell of toasted mouse will waft into the air. Yes, it has been been done though I have forgotten the name of the brilliant cat that did it.
Meantime, have you trained your human to EAT the mouse? Bet you haven't.
Love George.
PS. My companion cat William has joined twitter and is boasting about his prowess. Find him on http://twitter.com/WilliamTabby

Can you mend a broken heart?

Dear George,
I'm in a difficult situation and here is why. About a year ago we (me and my humans) moved into a new place. Soon after, one day when I was home alone on my favourite armchair, I heard someone "tip-Toeing" around.
I wasn't afraid. Don't get me wrong! I was an abandoned kitty and grew up on the streets (even if I am a Maine Coon) until I was rescued by "my mom" at the very young age of six weeks or so. So not much frightens me. I knew that the main door was locked and only the door to the balcony was open, so I was wondering who could possibly be in the house?
I opened my eyes and to my complete surprise I saw this tiny cute tabby! I looked at her and ... she smiled back to me! Of course, she instantly became my best friend. We found out that she lives next door and she's lonely! She comes and goes, but she spends most of the time with me. My humans don't mind; actually they like her very much.
Then last week I found out that we are going to relocate overseas! That news broke my heart. I don't know what to do with my little, dear friend. Should I say "goodbye" or should I kidnap her and take her with me?
A broken heart,
Jimmy Boy.

Dear Jimmy Boy,

It's sad to lose a friend, but your humans need you. Of course if the little tabby doesn't have a human pet of her own, you can take her with you but it sounds from your letter as if she has. You have to go with the humans even though we cats don't like change of any kind - least of all to our nomal territory. Moving house is one of the penalties we pay for having domesticated humans. We have made them into pets so we have to give them continuing care, even if they do things we don't like.

Your dear little friend, Tabby, is obviously an ingenious cat. She has probably worked out that her humans are out at work five days out of seven, the house is empty, There are no laps to lie on, and the heating (if it is needed) is off. She has done what thousands of cats do - found herself an extra home. You made her welcome and she therefore spends time with you.

Two timing humans is our right. Many cats, who live in suburbs or towns, have discovered they can set up two or three homes. One home is their original family, the second home is the place where the old lady feeds them, and the third home is the house where the old age pensioner keeps the heating on all day.

There's a black cat near me called Smudge who lives in a small hamlet. His official owner thinks he is hers. Four houses down the road is a family who told Celia that he belongs to them. And five houses up the road is a woman who told Celia "He's not really my cat but he spends a lot of time here and sleeps on my bed in the afternoon." Celia decided not to tell the three "owners" about each other. What the eye doesn't see.....

If Tabby is lucky, a cat lover will move into your home. Or she will find another welcoming house in the street. Have faith in her ingenuity. We cats know how to look after ourselves. If you are a friendly cat, you will probably find another feline friend.

Love George

Help my human is a paparazzi - she's always papping me.

Dear George
My human is obsessed with this thing she calls a camera; I know I'm very cute, but I only have to roll over or play with something and she gets out this great black thing and clicks away. But it's not just me she clicks at, I've seen so many cat faces on her computer screen that it makes me worried that she is going to get a lot more cats to crowd out the house! (At the moment it's just me and my bigger brother, and we rub along OK, mostly.) I've heard her say that the pictures of cats are for something called a 'website', which belongs to some nice people who try to find homes for poor lonely cats, (www.prestoncpl.com <http://www.prestoncpl.com> ) but I know she gets very interested in some of them, and would like to bring them home. I don't want to share my human with any more cats - I sometimes have to push my brother off the bed when he's taken my place beside her! (It's really easy, I just wash his head hard till he gets fed up and goes away to sleep somewhere else.) Luckily the other human is dead against any more cats, so I think we are safe, at least for now, but it's quite worrying.
Love Pansy

Dear Pansy,

Humans are obsessive by nature. My own is just as bad. She's got completely overcome by the desire to photograph cats, so much so that she puts the brakes on, judders to a halt, just to photograph any cat at all. And if she has to continue driving, she literally moans with frustration about the photos she didn't get - the cat on the roof, the cat raiding somebody's goldfish pond and so forth.
Obviously she photographs me - though she says the black makes it a bit difficult. I say not at all. Black is the most beautiful of all colours. I am adding a couple of black cats, myself included, just to make the point. I rather like the shaft of sunlight hitting me, as I play with a dead mouse - like one does.
It's not just taking our photos, is it? I think Celia shows signs of cat addiction. She spends a lot of time thinking about cats, obsessing about cats, planning her next cat, worrying about whether she has enough cats, and the only reason why she hasn't got hundreds of us, is that William and I would object strongly. In her heart of hearts she knows that our welfare must come before her disordered desires for too many felines. Her local branch of cat rescue is www.westoxoncats.co.uk There are usually a few black ones on the website because for some reason, although black cats are thought lucky in the UK, they are harder to home. People seem to think tabbies are prettier - how wrong they are.
It's quite amusing to tease human photographers. Put on a nice pose. Wait for them to run for their camera. Then just the instant they get it out and begin to focus it, drop the pose. A tease variation on this is just to walk towards the camera and rub on it. That frustrates any hope of a good photo. And it is fun to tease humans. They are so simple minded.
Love George
PS. Please sign this petition against the cruel practice of pulling out cats' claws. Cats need their claws just as much as humans need their fingernails. If not more. Click here -http://www.petitionthem.com/default.asp?sect=detail&pet=4312

Animals that attack cats.... watch out!

Dear George,
I was away at my cottage (for a short vacation) and I had to stay indoors most of the time because it was raining almost every day! However, one day, when I was allowed out, I had so much fun with a duck on the lake that I immediately wanted to adopt him. Of course -- my housekeepers thought differently.
I know my humans respect my royal demands but I think they need some "professional" help, as they tend to worry too much over everything concerning me! Rain is just one example of how my housekeepers' brain (so called) function. If it is raining... I might get wet. So what? If it is sunny and dry... I might venture too far from the cottage and some wild animals might get me! Blah!
So I was confined to watching from the cottage window all the squirrels, birds, mice and other exciting creatures! I also did a bit of research and I came across this list of the top ten animals that can harm us cats. Hmmm! Maybe my humans are right (uh! I hope I don't have to apologize to them). I know Oscar and Minnie are our big hunters bringing home snakes, mice, birds etc. And I read that Minnie is willing to put up a fight to protect her territory, so I thought I ought to share this list of dangerous animals with you all.
The top ten dangerous animals are 1: Snake. 2: Coyote. 3: Raccoon. 4:Squirrel. 5: Scorpion. 6: Javelina. 7: Porcupine. 8: Ground hog. 9: Skunk. 10: Rat. This comes from http://blogs.catster.com/the-cats-meow-a-cat-and-kitten-blog/top-ten-wild-animals-that-attack-house-pets/2009/07/26 It's based on a list from Veterinary Pet Insurance in Canada - or perhaps in the USA.
Scary, huh? And what is a Javelina? What's your take on this, George.
Just curious,
Sir Winston.

Dear Sir Winston,
A javelina is a kind of pig. Here's a photo. We don't have them in the UK. Indeed we don't have raccoons or scorpions or porcupines and I am not even sure what ground hog is! Except that there is Ground Hog Day movie.
Our dangerous animals in the UK would be foxes, badgers, and perhaps ferrets or polecats. Foxes definitely attack young, elderly or vulnerable cats. They would finish off any cat that was already wounded in a traffic accident, but usually will leave alone a strong healthy cat that looks as if it would put up a fight. Badgers would do the same but as they are slow moving it is unlikely they would get near enough to do any damage. Ferrets and polecats might attack too.
However the greatest danger to cats in the UK and worldwide are humans. Feral humans who shoot stray cats. Uncaring humans who trap or poison them as pests. Disgusting humans who think it is fun to train their dogs to chase cats. Cruel humans who catch up cats and skin them alive for their skins. Feral young humans, usually male, who torture them on bonfire night.
Then there is the slaughter of cats by drivers - some people say as many as 1 in 4 cats that are allowed out at night will be run over. The lights dazzle their eyes and they make a dash across the road in front of the vehicle. And finally there are the dog fighting community who train their dogs by throwing in living cats.
Some humans say of these cat-killing humans: "They are animals." They are not. They are far worse than any decent animal.
What is the most destructive species in the world? Homo sapiens.
Love George
I love going hunting on a moonlit night but my human keeps me in after dark.