Thank goodness I am not called Sootysnout!

Dear George,
My name is Tilly. A sensible and pleasant name, really, compared with some. But I know a Woodstock, a Camberwell, a Salisbury, a Quinine, a Cadbury, a Didcot, a Treacle, a Splash, a Gene, and even a Jezibel (which sounds rather fun). Why do humans choose these odd names? Admittedly there are lots of nice ordinary names like Sam, Ben, Chloe, Sacha, Daisy and Rosie. But why Didcot, almost the ugliest town in Britain? You might as well call a cat Carterton, undoubtedly the ugliest town in the UK. Just because it was born there? Not a very good reason, I think.
Coat colour seems to bring out naming in humans - Blackie, Sooty, Snowy, Smudge, Dusty, Ginger and so forth. Even the occasional feline, rather than canine, Spot. Perhaps I was lucky not to be called Blacknose or Sootysnout or just Nosey (which I am because I like to keep tabs on my humans). You can't rely on human intelligence, such as it is which is very limited indeed.
Yours, Tilly.

Dear Tilly,
I like my name George. Short so that my dumb human can use it easily. Manly too, which is rather a comfort in view of the snip I had earlier. Brave like my namesake saint who tackled dragons (I'd love to have a crack at a very very small one without fire breathing). We black cats, that are thought lucky in Britain but unlucky in the USA, need all the help we can get from a name. Why are we never called romantic names like Bagheera, like the black panther in Kipling's Mowgli stories, or just Panther, or why not Obama or Cleopatra?
Rescue centres could do so much more in the way of naming us. They often don't even think what a name can do for a cat. Give a cat a bad name and it will never be adapted. I mean "Purring Perly" (for a cat already named Perly) is so much nicer than "Piddles Perly" which I once saw. Other inventive possibilities, without changing the original name just adding to it, are"Playful Perly" or even "Perly the Purring King" or "Perly the Pearly Queen". These might catch the eye and they say something attractive about the cat.
One Rescue centre I know used to have too many black cats, so they photographed one totally black cat which had a good story for the press, named it Max and then as the adoption requests flooded in renamed ALL their black cats Max and homed them that way. Each adopter thought they were getting the original Max. Did that matter? Not at all. Most would be renamed anyway.
The truth is that names for cats show more about humans than about cats. And do we know our names? We do. But we ignore them if they are being used to call us in from the twilight hunting area or used as a rebuke when we have found an open butter dish.
Love George, Would-be Dragon Slayer.
PS. This idea of hunting dragons has sort of stuck in my mind.... small, wriggly and reptilian. Very tempting. Perhaps Oscar Snuggles would email me off the blog to tell me about his lizard techniques for my next blog. Then we could all look out for little dragons.
PPS. Blog a bit early this week as my secretary won't be doing it on Saturday.

Outrageous human behaviour - screams over mice

Dear George,
Do you know of any books, something like “Understanding your cat for dummies”? If you do, please let me know. If such book doesn’t exist yet, please write one; my “parents” can be such an inspiration ☺ They are DUMMIES!!!!!!!
Last Sunday I was expecting to have breakfast with my mom when she, instead of making breakfast, picked up the phone and started talking with a friend! So, I waited (quietly) for her to finish her phone call. After about 30 minutes staring at her, I said to myself; “fine, let’s help her with breakfast”. That’s when I brought in the first mouse (quite dead) which I deposited at her feet.
She didn’t even blink. I could not believe this; usually she freaks! So, I waited for a sign from her! Nothing! She was still on that damn phone talking and talking and talking! I couldn’t take this any longer, so….I went out and got the second mouse (alive, but dizzy) that I deposited at her feet. She still didn’t blink! I tried to tell her…”hey, mommy….breakfast is served”! But, no response from her.
So…I started “eating” my breakfast alone! That’s when they both jumped, screaming and yelling and scaring the hell out of me! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE who call themselves “my parents”? He grabbed my mouse and threw it away! Now, tell me George, what parent would take the food from their kid’s mouth and threw it away? See what I mean? You tell me what I should do now!
With lots of love …but …speechless, Minnie

Dear Minnie,
Humans ARE dummies. All cats over the age of eight weeks (old enough to understand humans) agree with your assessment. There's something seriously wrong in their attitude, particularly their attitude when we are kind enough to bring in mice for them. Do they tuck in and thank us? Do they praise us for our keen hunting skills? Do they gather round to admire us as we eat them? NO. NO. NO.
It is particularly painful for us when they just don't notice. Phones seem to do that to humans. They place these items (which can occasionally make interesting squeaking noises) near their ears and they vocalise repeatedly and meaninglessly into them. Very odd, very dysfunctional, behaviour. I personally have tried to take part in this, pushing my nose between phone and cheek, and received some very unpleasant human brushing off behaviour. It's some kind of sterotypic behaviour, compulsive and out of their control.
As for the screaming at mice... that can be more fun for us. Humans that jump up on chairs to avoid living mice are at least noticing us. I quite enjoyed Celia's frantic attempts to catch living mice, using a Wellington boot. The other day she had to try and catch a small wren nestling which (because wrens hide in small places like dry stone walls) flew into the corner of book cases etc rather than flying towards a window. It took her two hours to catch it in a dishcloth and liberate it. It had taken me a mere five minutes to grab it in the first place.
But, as you say, the principle is outrageous. They STEAL our mice. Without shame or second thoughts. Humans, why do we love them? Sometimes I don't know if I do.
Love George.
PS. Celia has just finished a book titled Cats Behaving Badly and Why we Still love them. I am busy writing the synopsis for a Cats' Guide to Humans so as to have my say.
PPS. Lovely tummy!

Kitten pranks. Shall I pull these down?

Dear George,
I am only a kitten but I have discovered a good way of getting my new owners' attention. They live in a lovely Cotswold home, with valuable antiques. On the mantlepiece of the drawing room are several beautiful Dresden pieces of china - shepherdesses and the like. I have thought what fun it would be to get up there and pull them down - but they are still a bit high up. In the meantime I am looking round for other things to practise on. Like this pile of magazines. What are your views on pushing things off ledges?
Roxy.

Dear Roxy,
Yes, by all means start practising now. You have hit upon one of the best ways to get human attention - toppling things over, swiping valuable antiques off mantlepieces, pulling down waste paper baskets and spreading their contents over the room. It's all yours, kitten.
What is so satisfying about getting human attention this way, is its complete and utter predictability. Want to be picked up? Just do it. Want to be the centre of all eyes? Just do it. Want to provoke a series of shrieks? Just do it.No sooner do they see you even thinking about it - standing like you are now or just doing the bottom wiggle before the great leap - than they respond with gratifying speed. It is SO easy.
In my opinion this human response shows that there are severe limits on human cognition. If they really had the capacity to reason things out, they would realise that these pranks are a way of getting attention. Sometimes I think a few humans do. But they are incapable of taking the next intellectual step - ie. to work it out that giving attention merely encourages us cats. The only way to stop us is to walk out of the room. Can humans think? I am not sure.
So... I admire your spirit, Roxy. You are learning fast how to train your humans. As far as the Dresden shepherdesses are concerned, they are the big one. If you go for them, cataclasmic human reactions will result. Not just the occaisonal shrieks, but very many and very loud ones. And probably a complete loss of human temper ( they don't have much control, poor humans). Are you ready for it? Can you cope? If so, JDI - Just Do It.
George.
PS. Would Anonymous who added a comment last week like to email me via www.celiahaddon.com A longer version of her/his query would make a nice post. Next week the blog will be silent as my secretary, Celia, is away at college vainly trying to wise up enough to outwit a cat. Some hope!

My plan to 'recession proof' my food

Dear George,
Since the theme of the day is “recession and economic turmoil”, I think I came up with a pretty good plan to secure my food deposit and inspire other cats (since the future depends on us). I’m going to sell bananas – see picture attached!
Our humans are vegetarians, so we have plenty of fruits & veggies in the house. They won’t mind me taking a banana now and then. Plus…it’s much safer than selling mice!
I mean…what Mog will “mug me” for a banana? Or…what human will resist buying one from me? Comm’on…how many times in a “human life” can one buy bananas from a cat? I can sell for a higher price since my products are “fair trade” or “locally grown”.
With the profit I can open a corner store! At night I can leave few bread crumbs here and few bits of cheese there….and (did you get the picture?) MICE will come in!
I can hunt all night with my sister and we can freeze quite a large “food deposit”.
Our humans will get a good night rest (no wake up at 4 am), plus our female human won’t be horrified by the sight of “our freezer” since she has no business to be in the store. I know I’ll be too tired next day to sell, but I’m going to hire a kitty (a kid looking for its first job, you know) to work few hours per day for me while I’m sleeping.
So, what do you think George? I mean…with my plan… I’m sure I’m helping global economy, increase my humans’ household income and help them to get a good night sleep, I’m creating new jobs, secure my future food, plus having fun with my sister.
I really think President Obama not only should he get a cat (and not a dog), but he should hire cats for all top governmental jobs.
Dogs are only “yes-sayers”; WE CATS are creative and come up with real solutions!
Hugs,
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
At first I was not sure I liked the idea of "work". Play, yes. Eat, yes. Mooch around doing nothing in particular, yes. Sleep yes, yes, yes. And hunting.....purrrrrrrr . But work? Work for your humans? Shouldn't they be working flat out for you?
However the idea of combining a fruit stall for humans with mice for you made me think twice about this. I mean, the general rule must be that we cats come first in the household, and humans should be at our beck and call. But clearly this ridiculous fur-less species has got itself into a hole (alas, not a mouse hole) and perhaps the superior species. Felis silvestris catus, has got to break the habit of a lifetime and do something altruistic. I really admire you for thinking outside the litter box.
Couldn't agree more about Obama. The problem with the banking system fat cats was that they were not cats. They were humans. Time for a new species label of Homo non-sapiens, perhaps. If cats ruled the world, things would be very different.
Indeed there's an old Chinese folk tale that cats did once rule the world. After several thousand years of trying to cope with plagues, volcanic eruptions, floods, war, folly and greed, they called a conference of all the wisest cats - a sort of C-20 conference. After serious and long deliberation, they agreed that these problems were insoluble and it was a waste of time trying to do anything about them.
So they handed over ruling the world to men, who were stupid enough to think that they could do something about them.
Hugs and rubs,
George Online Cat
PS. A reminder - send me your posts and photos via www.celiahaddon.com

What does it mean on the cat food label?

Dear George
Thank you for the earlier information about what is in pet food, particularly what is in cat food. But what's on the label. How do we know what is inside the tin, or the packet?
Hesper

Dear Hesper,
Regulations vary from country to country, but in the UK you will find a list of ingredients. Reading the label is an art form. Start with the main bit of the label which will say either "complementary" or "complete." This is very important indeed. Anything labelled "complementary" is not designed to have all the ingredients you need. It is probably a treat food. Eat it in that way. "Complete" on the other hand is what is says on the tin - ie if your human feeds only that you will get all you need.
Next stage is to look at the list of ingredients. If you are thinking of cost (you have a poor or a mean human) look for the percentage of water. Dry food looks more expensive but if you do some complicated maths (which I can't do) then you may discover dry food is no more expensive than wet food. Dry food is easiest to leave down so you can snack through the day - the way of feeding that we cats prefer. On the other hand, some of us need wet food - cats who have a history of cystitis, for instance.
In the UK, the list of ingredients are listed in order of how much there is in the tin. That may well mean that cereals comes before meat and meat derivatives. As I said an earlier blog, carbs are cheap even though we do not need carbs. Meat in catfood in the UK comes from sources fit for human consumption and does not contain horse meat or whale meat. This might be different elsewhere. Then there are oils and fats, minerals, various sugars. Sugars, which can be table sugar, fructose or glucose, can be used as a preservative or flavour enhancer. We cats don't taste sugar so the latter is more likely to be a reason for use in dog food.
Next comes an analysis of protein, ash, fibre. Ash is particularly disconcerting.What it means is the amount of ash left if the food was burned. Why it is there, I do not know and would welcome information on this. It does not mean that the food contains ash. You can get a download with a bit more information for your human from www.pfma.org.uk
If a pet food is described as "containing" chicken and rabbit, then the minimum amount of these meats must be 4% of the contents of the tin and this minimum must be stated on the label. But the actual amount of the chicken and rabbit inside your can might be more than 4%. If it just says "chicken flavour", there may be no chicken at all!
Additives in pet food are those in human food but that's not saying much. In the UK there is a movement to ban E-numbers tartrazine (E102), quinoline yellow (E104), sunset yellow (E110), carmoisine (E122), ponceau 4R (E124) and allura red (E129). If these are not good for humans why hsould we feed them to our cats. So, on the whole, my advice would be NOT to let your human buy any cat food which is highly coloured - yellow or red or green. Only a human would be stupid enough to be attracted by bright colours in food! Poor dears. We need to keep them under constant surveillance.
George
PS I am experimenting with LOLs. Watch this space - http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/view.aspx?ciid=2693271

How can I stop my human hauling me off to the vet?

Dear George,
Periodically, my human will ambush me without warning (usually when I am sound asleep enjoying dreams of chasing mousies and birdies) and stuff me unceremoniously into my PTU and cart me off to the dreaded v-e-t! There I am subjected to all sorts of atrocities -- loud, barking dogs in the waiting room, having to sit on a cold metal table in the exam room, having my teeth and ears checked, and the worse one of all...getting a shot in the butt!
What can I do to get my human to show a little common courtesy and ask me first whether I would like to be stuffed into my PTU and carted off to the v-e-t to incur all those atrocities?
And when she doesn't take NO for an answer and carts me off anyways, what, if any, recourse should I take against her?
Sincerely with a sore butt,
Wally

Dear Wally,
You have put your paw on a very sore issue indeed, one of the most outrageous examples of human stupidity even human cruelty. It is the sheer hypocrisy of it, that gets up my gleaming black nose. One moment the human is cooing all over us, then suddenly they are taking us off to what is a torture chamber. How can they do this?
So what can we do about it? The first thing is to brush up your verbal skills in human language. Like the rest of us, you probably stop listening to their endless vocalising. They never stop "talking" so most of us cats simply screen out the noise. However, this is a mistake when it comes to the v-e-t situation. You simply have to keep an ear out for that particular vocalisation.
It's not alway easy. The word comes in the middle of a torrent of other similar sounding vocalisations like "pet" "yet" "vat" "vit'amins and so on. However, if you apply your considerable cat skills to the task you will find that you can hear it. Once heard, the word is an advance warning.
Make yourself scarce immediately. If you are an outdoor cat, this is the moment to saunter through the cat flap and disappear for the nex 24 hours. If you are an indoor cat, it is a little more complex but there are places from which she will find it difficult to extract you - the furthest side of the bed, underneath the cooker, behind the fridge, high up on the top of the wardrobe, inside one of the drawers in a chest of drawers.
If these places don't work, think laterally. The point about the human species is that they are relatively unintelligent. I have found it useful at times simply to hide myself by sitting on a chair that has been drawn up to the table - ie: I am hidden by the table itself. This is a particularly good place if your human has a tablecloth over the table. I have seen my human running up and down stairs, peering under beds, opening cupboards sometimes in the same room, and all the time forgetting to find me there.
Perhaps other cats will contribute their suggestions for good hiding places. All of us need them in order to avoid the visit to the veterinary torture chamber.
George
PS Revenge on your human is easier. Withdraw all attention from her - no purring, no looking at her, no rubbing round her legs. Ignore her for at least 24 hours. Refuse to sleep on the bed (unless it is a particularly cold night). This "silent treatment" is hard for a social species like humans to bear. If there is another person in the household, be particularly affectionate to him.

Why can't humans grow proper cat's whiskers?

Dear George,

As you can see from my pictures I have elegantly long whiskers from my muzzle and some rather charming whiskers above my eyes, one or two on my cheek and even two on my fore legs. They not only transmit important information to me, but, to my mind, they are gloriously beautiful. Why don't humans have them? 

Fanny

Dear Fanny,

You have to feel sorry for the species,don't you? The most they can manage is facial fur. Some of the male humans, particularly those of various religions, grow quite long and droopy fur on their chins, but other males shave it all off. The females don't even have facial hair - or if they do they wax it off or pull it out. Odd, aren't they?

However even the males with the longest and furriest faces, with what they term "beards' or "sideburns", have non-functioning hair without proper nerve end receptors. 

Human facial fur just sits there for no good reason at all. Sometimes the fur even looks like whiskers. But it doesn't work. It's completely useless for navigating through tight places, or for helping them hold down mice. And, as far as I know, they don't have anything like whiskers on their fore legs, or "arms", just a scatter of useless slender hairs. 

Our whiskers work like a sixth sense. A blindfolded cat can pounce on and hold down a mouse with the information conveyed by his whisker sense. And, as I have discovered, I can switch off my whiskers while I am sleeping. If Celia is stupid enough to stroke them while I am dozing, I take no notice at all. I can control the sensory input, so to speak. When I pounce on a mouse, my whiskers shoot forward towards it, so that when I am carrying it, they can monitor the rodent's struggle without my having to open my mouth. 

Clever stuff, eh? Humans can't do it. No wonder they are so bad at mousing. It's difficult to believe, but I have never ever, in all my life in a human house, seen a human successfully carry a mouse in its jaws. 

A rather pathetic species, really, but I guess we love them all the same.

What is this weird human behaviour?

I've heard this weird story from a friend whose human visited another cat lover. He reached down to pet her cat a couple of times gently, and had to defend himself as he was about to have 12 lbs of kitty wreak havoc on his body. The woman grabbed the cat and sat down on the couch, proceeded to put the cat on his back and rub his tummy till he calmed down. While she was doing this - and this is the crazy part - she held a pencil between his teeth. I guess the wood was flying, bits going all over the place. He chewed for a few minutes then was calm again. She apologized and said he had quite a temper and this was the only way to calm him. Is this some new Dr.Phil for cats technique? Or do I just lead a sheltered life? Whatcha think, George?

Goldie  http//:sumacstories.blogspot.com

Dear Goldie,

I think this is just another example of mad and bad humans. Most of us who respond badly to petting are doing so because we are frightened of humans and want to keep our personal space. We may look vicious but we are scared. Personally I like being petted by strangers (I've been criticised for being too much of a human lover)  but many cats do not. They were not brought up in kittenhood to enjoy the promiscuous caresses of passing humans they do not know. So they strike out in order to get humans to retreat - a very effective technique.

What does this woman do then? Grab the cat,roll  it on its back, forcibly pet its tummy (its most sensitive area!), and in order to avoid being bitten (an appropriate feline reaction, in my view), she thrusts a piece of wood in its mouth. A calming technique? Cruel, I think. There is a danger that the cat will break a tooth. There is the emotional damage of being handled in a rough way and forced to comply.

Although I am a cuddly cat, I hate being tickled on my tummy. Most cats do. Sometimes I will allow a little bit of petting there but mostly I respond by grabbing the intruding hand and biting it. My tummy is a no go area and (except for the very occasional caress from Celia) I am the only one who is allow to clean it or touch it. This poor cat, who is already frightened by strangers trying to caress it, is now unable to bite because it has been forcibly gagged. I am amazed it calmed down - perhaps it was freezing with sheer terror.  Cats that are unable to escape do sometimes freeze and go motionless.

The whole story is horrible.

Why don't humans wash properly?

Dear George,

Have you noticed how rarely humans wash? They are really quite filthy. I wash at the following times -- after eating (and I do that several times a day); when settling down for a little nap during the day; last thing at night on the bed just after my humans are about to go to sleep (I make that a long wash),  at three am in the morning on the bed because I just feel likeit (my humans aren't too pleased), first thing in the morning about an hour before the alarm goes off; after breakfast; when I am sitting on a lap ( a bit uncomfortable for me but I think they appreciate it); and any time I think about it. When do they wash? At night and in the morning. 

Sammy

Dear Sammy,

It's not just when they wash (rarely), it's how they do it! I can never get over the fact that they don't have proper tongues. I have occasionally seen a small human kitten licking its fingers but never a full grown adult. They can't do it. They can't lick a plate clean - or, if they can, they don't choose to. It's not clear to me what their tongues are for.

Instead, they throw themselves into a large bath of foaming water. I find this extremely funny. I enjoy - as I am sure other cats do - walking round the edge of the bath while they are in it and patting the foam. The bubbles are good fun. They make a small popping noise. And I like the reflections in the water too. This is the moment when I realise that the human lack of fur is perhaps a good thing. Imagine if they had proper fur. They'd have to spend hours rubbing it down with the towel.

My human doesn't bath much nowadays. Instead she stands in a small cubicle and lets water rain down on her. Outside she avoids the rain like any sensible animal would, but indoors she actually turns it on. There's a lot of pother about the temperature, and foaming soap on her hair and her intimate bits. As if saliva wasn't good enough. It's always been good enough for me. Saliva, applied with a manipulable tongue, has antiseptic qualities as well as making a very good wash.

Sometimes I try to wash them myself. But there is just too much skin surface to do a proper job. I used to lie on their heads while they were asleep and wash their hair but they had an unfortunate habit of waking up and lashing out, so I have stopped that. I just let them stay dirty.

George

Sunbeams, heat and human house reorganisation

Dear George,
Do you know anything about these new things called sunbeams? They come through the window, settle on the floor and you can doze on them. The trouble is they move when you are not looking and I can't think of a way to keep them still. I expect you could pounce on them to pin them down but bunny binkying doesn't work. What can I do? I have written to Smudge for ideas but she hasn't replied yet.
Harvey the House Rabbit
PS. This is a photo of me watching TV
Dear Harvey,
I do hope you are not relying on sunbeams to keep warm, Harvey. If so, you need to stir up your humans to put on the central heating. It may be April but today, as I write, there is snow outside. One of the basic needs of us cats is proper warmth - and I should think that applies to house rabbits too. To remind your feeble minded humans of this, start shivering ostentatiously. Climb on to their laps and try to burrow into their clothes. Your excellent digging technique will be useful here. During the night insist on sitting so close to their face that they cannot breath. (I assume you are sleeping on the bed). Gaze into the empty fireplace or at a cold radiator then gaze pathetically back to them. This is the use of eye-gaze to communicate your needs. The better trained humans will respond correctly.
As for the sunbeams... No, you can't keep them still. They are even more flibbertygibbet than humans. In the long term you may need a conservatory rather than relying on these uncertain sources of heat and light. Start working on your humans to get the house organised rather better for your, rather than their needs. I suggest you keep an eye out for any conservatory advertisements in the magazines. When you find on, position yourself and gaze at it. Soon you will hear a shriek of "Look Harvey's actually reading a magazine!" or 'He's looking at the pictures!" If you can do this three or four times, always gazing at the right subject, you should be on the way to getting what you want into their feeble minded heads.
George.
PS My favourite TV programme is the Life of Birds