Should we neuter and spay our humans?

Dear George

There are only two domesticated species that walk around with their sexual bits still attached - dogs and humans. Both would be better off without them. My humans are completely ruled by theirs. They can't think of anything else and sometimes they completely neglect and ignore me because they are so obsessed by each other. A chap can't get a decent night's sleep for humping and bonking. They act as if it's their bed. And they stay out late. And he goes out and sprays his territory late at night - upsetting all my careful territorial marks. I think it's time we cats got our humans spayed and neutered. What is your opinion on this topic?

Jonesey

Dear Jonesey,

I agree with you that humans would be happier if they were neutered and spayed. You only have to compare the behaviour of the older ones with the behaviour of younger ones, to see what a great deal of their time and effort is taken up with worrying about, searching for, or interacting with mates. The older ones, who have given up that sort of thing, seem so much more serene and happy. It would obviously be in their interests if we could just put a stop to their sex lives. 

And their mating attempts are so crude and noisy. As you say, you can't get a decent night's sleep if your humans are at it. And sometimes they even do it in the day time, interrupting those magic after lunch hours of sleep.

It's obvious really. Many human behavioural problems such as staying out late, escaping from the house, roaming the neighbourhood, fighting, inappropriate sexual behaviour and intraspecies aggression would just die away after the op. Just a snip and the male human would become so much better behaved a pet with far less likelihood of needing medical treatment. There would be less competitive urine spraying in the garden - indeed the behaviour might die away altogether (except where it has become a learned response). Just a neat little op and the female would stop all that separation anxiety - the Bridget Jones syndrome as it is sometimes called.

Then there's the question of over population. There are just far too many of them. If we could stop them breeding, there would be far fewer unwanted human kittens, feral youths, stray humans, and humans only just managing to make a living. It's a bit of a campaign for me. What do other cats think?

George