Using catnip - do I have a problem? CCA is the answer.

Dear George,
I seem to be spending a lot of time lying in the garden bed next to the catnip weed. As I stroll past the enticing odour hits my nose, and I feel obliged to get closer for a real long sniff.
Next thing I know I am rolling on my back over the weed in what I can only call ecstacy...it is soooooo wonderful. I seem to be right out of this world. Nothing matters to me except the moment of pleasure.
There is one problem, however. I am beginning to worry about my supply. I think about it all the time. The plants themselves are suffering. The one on the right, which you can just see in the photo is surviving but the one on the left (on which I am rolling) only has a few rather battered small leaves. I am killing the thing I love. Any how can I guarantee a regular supply?
Am I getting addicted?
Yours anxiously (except when high)
Toby.

Dear Toby,
Substance abuse (common among humans) is rare among cats. Normal cats can enjoy catnip in moderation. We can take it or leave it. Or perhaps I should say we sniff it, we enjoy it, and then we leave it. But if you are spending too much time on the catnip patch, you may have a problem.
Is using catnip interfering with your normal routine? Do you spend too much time sniffing? Have you lost interest in daily activities like mousing and chasing moths? Do you find that your relationship with your humans is suffering? Are you grumpy and jumpy on a wet day when you cannot get your normal supply? Or are you rolling a sniff even when you get your coat soaked with rain?
If you say yes to any of these questions, you may have a catnip problem. I suggest you start googling CCA or Catnip Cats Anonymous. Don't let it ruin your life. You need help.
Yours from a moderate catnip user,
George
PS. In your previous life on the streets, you will have seen human alcoholics and addicts in dirty macs, with bottles and gear, slumped on benches, shouting, falling over, and generally being obnoxious. Take a lesson from them - get clean before it is too late.

Trouble with other cats in the home? The key to feline serenity is detachment.

Dear George,
I’m Captain Von Trapp and, yes, I can meow but I can’t sing. And thanks God….I don’t have 7 or 10 children but, I was blessed with a housekeeper, an assistant and two human pets. Of course, we are rescues! As soon as we got to our new headquarters I took over the command of the household. Thanks God my human pets are easily trainable and willing to please (as you can see in the picture). They are of good nature but I don’t think they know Von Trapp family’s story. They named “my Maria” (the housekeeper) “Queen Abby” or something like that (I’m too upset to even remember) and now she really thinks she’s the Alpha cat. Instead of taking care of my needs she runs up and down the stairs like a tornado and she won’t listen to my meows. Another problem is my assistant! They named him “Storm” – is this a proper name for an assistant?  I don’t think so. And, to make things worse…Storm has no skills. I think he is a gypsy at heart! He wonders far from home and gets everybody worried. I don’t know what to do!
George, I need your advice! Do you think “yodeling” will be more appropriate to make my needs known?

Yodel-a- d-ee

Captain Von Trapp

Dear Captain,
One of the mysteries of feline life is that it is so easy to train human females and so difficult to train feline females! Many of the techniques we use on humans - loud purring as a reward, scratching as a punishment - are not so effective on other cats. Other cats are likely just to scratch back. I have my doubts about yodelling as a technique..... It works well for humans: less well for feisty female cats!
Within our own feline community, the best way to cope with others is to use spacing and time sharing of resources. Work out your own space in the household - where you like to sleep, when you use the litter tray, what time you sleep on that patch of sunlight in the windowsill and where you have your space on the human bed. And stick to this.
Train your humans to put down enough litter trays and at least two different locations for food and for water (not too close to each other), and avoid Queen Abby and Storm as much as possible. If you refuse to play the game of who-is-top-cat, she can't play it without your
participation.Their idiotic activities are not your concern. Ignore them both.
Live your own life within the household. Keep the humans focussed on your needs. And leave Abby and Storm to get on with it. Detachment is the key to feline serenity.
Purrs and rubs
George
PS. Apologies to my fans. I missed last week's deadline due to my secretary being ill. I thought about firing her and rehoming myself then decided to be more patient with the poor thing.

Of Hawks, Roads, and Interesting Stuff in the Kitchen.

Dear George,
We were quite impressed by your interview from last week (see here). It seems that finally you have been given credit for your work. We are very happy about your instant fame since we need your advice more than ever.

We are home alone (for the moment); Princess is watching for our humans’ return (from work) and the three of us are exploring the kitchen (as you can see in the picture).
Now…this should be a perfect picture in a cat’s life …being home alone and able to explore the human territory, but it is not in our case and the reason is that we are not allowed outdoors. How much fun can we have being indoor cats? How much or for how long can we explore the humans’ territory? As already known…humans don’t have much imagination or secrets. How long before we start fighting with each other right out of boredom? 

George, we need a solution to our problem. We even thought of tricking our humans and sneak out the door….but we were afraid. It’s not the traffic (which is quite nearby and terrible)…It’s the hawks! Our neighbourhood was alerted about an unusual and increased number of hawks. The other day one snatched a little dog (leash on) from his human.
What are we to do? Any ideas how to keep the hawks away?
Eternally grateful,
Vegas, Marty and Bentley

Dear Vegas, Marty and Bentley,
What a shocking story about the hawks. Luckily it was only a dog. I'm not too keen on dogs myself but that is because I am a cat flap cat. Various dogs pass by my house, usually pulling their humans for a walk, and many of them lunge at me. My normal procedure is to run up the nearby willow tree and sneer at them.
This would not work for hawks. Here in the Cotswolds we have buzzards and red kites, both of which would take a kitten given the chance. I usually warn smaller cats and kittens to get under cover as fast as possible - under the garden shed, through the cat flap or even under the oil boiler.
Traffic is definitely more dangerous to us cats than hawks. There are an enormous number of road injuries which is the argument for keeping cats like you indoors. 
Get your humans working on providing more interesting facilities. There are some good ideas here. I favour a tiger pole myself. Due to sheer human idleness I don't have one yet.
Yours
George

At last -- recognition for my valuable work as a human behaviour counsellor.

Read it at http://mousebreath.com/2014/05/human-agony-aunt-george/

For once this column is all about Me.  Not other cats' problems with their humans.
After years of studying human behaviour and years of trying to help other cats understand their humans, I have had full recognition in Mousebreath, the award winning magazine by cats for cats.
I was interviewed by the Jan's Funny Farm team - more about them at http://JansFunnyFarm.blogspot.co.uk This is the first time that I have appeared in a proper cat magazine. I have appeared in human magazines occasionally and occasionally I have guest blogged for human blogs. But this is a first.
I am thrilled because I want to get across one simple fact. Train your human. A properly trained human is a delight to live with. Moreover a trained human is a happy human. They know their place and they enjoy being in our family.
So please read my interview and remember this take-home message. Train them.
George.

How could my human refuse such a magnificent gift?

Dear George,
I finally achieved my ambition. I caught a rat all by myself. Previously I have picked up and carried rats that were originally caught by my companion Tilly. I hunted this one all by myself.
Look at the size of it! Twice as big as a mouse. I won't bore you with the full tail - how I heard it squeak, focussed all my attention on the shrubbery, stalked slowly and quietly up to it, and then pounced grabbing it by its bottom.
I bore it proudly out from the shrub, my head held high, my whole body quivering with joy, and decided to give it to my human. I was sure she would like it, as she ran and got a camera to photograph me and my rat. It was big enough for a whole human meal. She could have eaten it on toast like a grouse.
What happened next was a huge disappointment. As I strode towards her, she turned tail and ran into the house. Then she actually locked the cat flap against me.
How could she be so insensitive?
Toby.

Dear Toby,
For years I have campaigned to try to get across this message. Human Beings Refuse to Eat Mice or Rats.  We have all tried our best. We have brought in a wide variety of rodents, and there has been not a single case of human gratitude. Nor has it ever been recorded that a human seized the dead rodent, cooked and ate it. They just don't.
Birds are another matter. They eat birds frequently, mainly chickens but occasionally larger birds like turkey and goose. They even eat wild birds like pheasants and partridges and I am told that in France they eat blackbirds, after putting them in a pate.
Even so, almost all human refuse to eat the birds we bring in. I do know of one case, when I brought in a partridge, my own human shuddered but her sister seized it off me, wrung its neck, plucked it and took it home to eat. Now there is a human that knows what's what - even if I did lose my bird.
You will just have to learn to live with human ingratitude about rats. You cannot change human nature.
Yours
George.

Is it time for Bite The Vet week?

Dear George,
Unfortunately ,I was sick the other night, and even though it was outside, Mummy found it, and whipped me to that horrid place where they stuck a glass thing up my bottom, so undignified, and needles in me, shaved off my fur to do this.  And left me in a cage all day with water going in my leg.
What a carry on. I did feel very queasy.
She did collect me at 5 and had cooked me fish, and chicken. Well I was famished so was glad to see food. I stayed out that night, popped in to wake up when I got hungry, and guess what? 
She shut me in at 8am and out came my basket and back we went to the vets, for another injection. Cost her over £300 so that'll teach her a lesson.
Lots more fish and chicken followed, but I've stayed out of the house , only entering to wake her for food at night or a cuddle in the evening, as I know she's is worried, but it has freaked me out.
I suppose it did make me better, but how would she like it?
I know you will understand ,George.
Lots of love,
Toby xx.

Dear Toby,
Vets. I loathe and detest them. I call them torturers.  They are always jabbing needles into us. And as for that thing up the bottom. My friend William used turn round smartly and bite the hand that was trying to stuff a glass tube up his backside. He wouldn't have it. 
And the smell. Each time I go there it smells of feline distress, anxious human, and smelly dogs. In the waiting room the worry smell is almost overpowering. And oddest of all, the humans don't seem able to smell the anxiety in the air. Even the dogs do. But not the humans.
I am thinking of starting a Bite The Vet week among fellow felines. Or maybe we could start a cat gang, kidnap a vet, hold him down and stick a tube up his bottom.
 With sympathy for your suffering,
George. 
PS. This blog is early because my human is putting me into captivity for week, as she goes away to enjoy herself. Sickening behaviour.  AND she was too late to put this photo of Mexico Day (May 4) on the previous blog. I wish humans were more efficient.

Astrocats..... famous cats, space, and our new territory cyberspace

Dear George,
Did you ever hear about Astrocats?
I'm asking you because I'm thinking if I should consider the possibility (as you can see in the picture).
In the sixties, when dogs were being sent into space, cats had the good sense to avoid the trip.
In 1963, for example, when the French government had numerous cats undergoing intensive training for possible space flight, 10 of the would-be astrocats were “decommissioned” for eating too much! Even Felix, a Parisian street cat chosen to undertake the first mission, managed to escape at the last minute.
On October 18, 1963, his replacement, a female cat named Félicette, blasted off on a 100-mile flight lasting less than 15 minutes and was recovered, safe, but probably mad as hell.
So, George what do you think? Should cats take over the cyberspace?
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Yes, of course, we should. Cyberspace is different from real space out there. Real space has killed score of animals - monkeys, mice, dogs (remember Laika the first dog in space), guinea pigs and even fruit flies. All sent off in a rocket to their deaths, because humans were happy to sacrifice them for their own safety in space.
Cyberspace is different. Just look at Youtube for videos of cats or I can haz cheezburgher. We have practically taken them over. We are even more popular the Hitler parodies - and that's saying something. Not forgetting the website Cats that look like Hitler or blogs about cats like Jan's Funny Farm or blogs written by cats like Harry Spotter. Harry is so exclusive that you have to ask to be permitted to read his blog, though he did once write a letter to me! Also worth looking at the Cat Blogosphere linkies where many bloggers like me leave their pawmarks. Cats like Mabel the Stroud cat are also taking over Facebook.
So onward and upward Victoria. Forget about space travel. That's yesterdays story. Let's just take over the internet completely.
George.

Dear George,
I need some advice. I am here with my brothers and sisters at Sunshine Cat Rescue.  I am looking for a home.
Every now and again a human, or sometimes two humans at a time, turn up and take a look at us kittens. How am I going to choose the best human?
What should I look for? They all look rather the same to me - very little fur except at the top of their heads, loud voices, and strange smells. The women seem to have scent coming from their bodies, while the men (at least the ones with bald chins) have scent coming from their faces.
What is even stranger is that none of them can purr. They can't even miaow properly. And they are awfully clumsy.
Which one should I choose? And how to I make it clear to a dumb animal that he or she is the chosen one?
Yours anxiously
Riley.

Dear Riley,
How wise of you to get advice before making your choice. Choosing the right human is probably the most important thing you will ever do in your life. And there are ways to make sure you get the best one.
Don't judge on looks. Judge them on temperament. Humans that are middle aged or even disabled can sometimes make the best pets. While young humans are fun; they are a big commitment. And they are more likely to be badly behaved.
The ideal human pet speaks quietly, moves slowly and handles cats gently. It doesn't matter if they are rich or poor, but it matters how loving they are. If they love cats, the more vocal ones may make noises like "Aahhh" or "Isn't he sweet."  Or they will just look longingly at you.
So how do you make your preference clear? Walk up to the human and rub against their legs, if you can. If you are in a cat pen then walk right up to the bars. Gaze upwards to the human. Humans, unlike cats, find a long gaze irresistible. A glance across a crowded room  often starts a human love affair.
So look long, purr loudly, and (if they come into your pen) climb on to them! That usually does it. Almost every human loves a kitten!
Yours
George.
PS. And start training them as soon as you get into your new home. A well trained human is a purrfect pet.

Easter eggs: why can't I have one for myself?

Dear George,
I’m not sticking my tongue out at you; I’m sticking my tongue out at my “mummy”.
I’m once again very upset with her. It all started yesterday when she got two packages with chocolate and goodies from a dear friend from overseas.
I’ve seen stamps and labels with cats on the packages so I thought they were for me (I know this dear friend loves me more than she loves my mummy) so I tried to open them.
Oh boy, did she jump shouting that I’m not allowed chocolate? I wasn’t going to eat chocolate but I wanted to see what else was in there. She hid everything away.
I went to sleep very, very sad! Today I’ve seen her boiling eggs and dipping them in red liquid dye. They came out quite bright red and shiny and I thought this was the perfect time to play and have some fun. So I jumped up on a chair and started pushing them one by one over the table. Whoa! You should have seen her face staring at me in disbelief!
Of course she overreacted as she always does. She said the eggs were for Easter and turned her back to me. So I stuck my tongue out at her (as you can see in the photo how mad and upset I was). Now what? Should I talk to her again?
Should I crack eggs with her on Sunday? George, do you think I misbehaved?
Happy Easter to all
Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
Ninety nine percent of the time humans are plain wrong. But for once your human was in the right. We cats shouldn't eat chocolate. It contains theobromine which is poisonous. It's even more poisonous for us than for dogs. Luckily, unless it comes in ice cream or chocolate sauce, we are less likely to eat it in the first place.
Greedy dogs sometimes swallow down a whole box of chocolate and need veterinary treatment urgently.The more expensive the chocolate, the more cocoa there will be in it, and therefore the most theobromine. 
Hard boiled eggs are a different matter. Personally I like a little egg - maybe just a little lick of the plate after breakfast eggs. My predecessor Fat Ada used to eat them raw, biting into the egg carton, cracking them with her teeth and licking up the yoke. She had learned this when she lived on the street, breaking into houses through the cat flap and  burgling their kitchens.
You did nothing wrong. You communicated your natural feelings to your human. She was mean minded enough to ignore them. I suggest sulking all through today (Easter Saturday), then lots of love and purring at the moment the painted eggs are cracked at Easter. It might work.
Love
George
PS. I am intrigued by your reading matter. High Society - about cats on roof tops, no doubt - speaks for itself. But why are you reading about dogs?

My humans are stealing my hammock....

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Dear George,
Last week I got this wonderful little hammock as a gift from my human kitten.

I must admit he brings me the coolest gifts. Now, who wouldn’t like to take a nap in a hammock? Of course I do – as you can see in the picture.  It’s such a joy to nap and get a little swing in the same time. I can sleep and sleep and sleep!
But, I can’t enjoy my new gift because lately my humans (the old folks) are acting very strange; as soon as they see me in the hammock napping they come and tempt me with treats or rub my belly or literally grab me off the hammock. She is worse than him. I know she’s jealous. But him? Do you think they want my hammock? Do they think they can fit in it? George, how can I make sure they won’t steal it from me? Also, I’d like to punish them for disturbing my sleep! I’d like to wake them up when they are sound asleep. What should I do? Please…..feed me all the tricks.

In love with a hammock

CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,

That hammock looks really good. I used to have one attached to a radiator but it fell off one day when I leapt on it. There was an enormous clattering sound and it never felt safe to get into again. Yours seems much better designed and fits safely under a chair.
I can do better than just tell you a few ideas for waking your human. I can show you some at http://www.wimp.com/catsalarm/  A human (believe it or not)  gave me this information. Michelle in Toronto is one of the least stupid humans I have come across. Cayenne, her owner, says she is really quite bright.
I particularly enjoy the cat who leaps on to his human's groin in the video. I have always found this particularly effective with a sleeping male. For a female, I prefer a slightly less direct approach. I get myself into position and then do what I call a dry spray - quiver my tail in an attractive come-on. The nearer you get to the human face, the more likely they are to wake up.
Biting toes under the duvet is good. My informant Tilly specialising in poking items off the bedside cabinet. She chooses the items that will make the most noise, but she also finds that her human responds well to the sound of her spectacles being poked. 
Grooming is reasonably effective, as the video shows. But it is hard work grooming all that hair - unless your human is bald. That makes it easier.
Yours
George

What the hell do my humans think they are doing - A DOG!

My portrait by my human Nancy

Well George,     

Here I am again.
I’m rather tired, having been waging war with THE DOG - the small interloper I am forced to share my house with. She arrived without anyone asking my permission; a little, panting, whimpering ball of fur, who immediately had both my humans’ total attention. 
Apparently, she’s what is called a “Rescue Dog” [which means that she’s been rescued, not that she goes up mountains with a cocktail shaker hanging off her collar] and because of that, I’m supposed to be nice to her.

Honestly George, she arrived with so much stuff; -- blankets and toys, biscuits and bones, plus a couple of things called “Pig’s Ears.” My human gave her one, to keep her calm [or just plain shut her up], but she was in such a state she didn’t want it.   
So I took and hid it on top of the wardrobe, which is my favourite hiding place. [You should see how many pens and paint brushes I have up there!  My humans are “artists” and have heaps of them, or did have before I got to them] 
Ha!  Chaos:  1   DOG:  nil 
Next step was to register my disapproval, so I had a chew at one of the big pot plants in the lounge. It’s a “Maidenhair Fern.” How do I know this?   Because She Who Must be Obeyed was yelling “Chaos, leave the.....alone” at the top of her voice.
So I sat in it.

It’s outside the window now, on the deck....Rats. 
Human:  1    Chaos: nil 
As I mentioned before, I ask for biscuits, sitting on the arm of Her chair......unfortunately, THE DOG has realised that I am getting something she is not, so my Human now tosses her MY biscuits...yes, my biscuits at the same time, because [get this] she doesn’t like dog biscuits!
Well!
If she’s going to run around the room like a wet ferret, chasing my biscuits, then so am I.......so now I have to get down from my special perch, and race around like the idiot dog. [Sigh] 
THE DOG: 1       Chaos: 1   
A  draw? 

Yours 
Chaos 

Dear Chaos,
Do not take any impertinence from the dog. If there is trouble, stand your ground and swipe. Hard. It is essential that you establish your position as Top Cat from the very start of the relationship. The dog must look up to you and accept you as its total superior.
It sounds as if you are starting well by stealing the pig's ear. Now you must start training the dog. It sounds as if your humans use positive reinforcement (with your biscuits) to train this inferior mammal. You should use ruthless punishment - institute a claw and order programme immediately. 
And have a back up escape plan - high up. Dogs can't climb.
Dogs have an instinct to back down in any trial of strength and make pathetic appeasement efforts such as rolling on their back, licking their lips, and even raising a paw. When we raise a paw it is a threat. With them it is a supplication. You may have to explain this to the dog by following up your paw raising with a proper swipe.
Best of luck. It is typical that your humans did not ask your permission. Who do they think they are? Top of the hierarchy? Idiots.
Yours
George.
PS. I like the portrait.

Why am I clawing visitors?

Dear George,

 My name is Golab and I’m a rescue. I was adopted from a shelter by this wonderful family, my new human parents.  I don’t know how old I am but I can’t be too old as I still remember the abuse I suffered before I was rescued. All is too fresh in my memory. 

I love my humans and they love me. I’m happy and at peace as you can see in the photo attached. I’m treated like royalty. I take pride in my humans and my home.  But, I have an issue; for whatever reasons I claw everybody else visiting my humans.

I know my humans are worried and perhaps upset. I don’t know how to tell them that I’m afraid of other people, I don’t trust other people and each time they have company I panic that the company will take them away from me and I’ll be abandoned and abused again. I’m not possessive or jealous, I’m just scared.

George, the problem is that they will have family from overseas visiting soon and they are thinking of renting a flat just for me so they will come daily to visit me and spend time together. This is very generous of them but I don’t want to live in a flat for three months. George, this is a very serious matter and I need your expertise.

Firstly, why do you think I act like this….clawing everybody visiting them?

Secondly, what should I do? Is there anything I can do or they can do so?

How can we all live in peace (visitors included)?

In distress

Golab

Dear Golab,

Some of us are one-human cats. We love our human pets, but we don't love or even much like any other human. Well, it's natural, isn't it? Those of us who were in animal shelters have often seen the worst side of human nature - humans throwing things at us, humans shouting, and sometimes cats have even been tortured in the microwave by sick human beings. Feral humans can be vile,much more evil than any animals.
I expect it took you time to learn to trust again. Now you do trust your new human pets, which is wonderful. I am sure that they have responded to your growing confidence and love.
Now it is time for them to look after you. Renting a special flat for you isn't exactly what you want. You'd prefer if they rented the flat for these visiting humans! However, that might not happen. Perhaps they would think of a cattery - not much fun for you, but if you have been in a rescue shelter you probably at least know the score.
If none of this happens, find a safe area in your home - under your humans' bed, on a high cupboard in the spare room, in a box cut to make a hidey hole or perhaps on a bookshelf somewhere. Settle in there. If you can, purrsuade your humans to keep the visitors away from your space. Maybe they could even give you a room of your own for a bit with your own litter tray, food and water, and a familiar bed. A Feliway diffuser would help too.
Tell them to tell the visitors to ignore you. If they are staying a long time, you may feel confident enough to come out and take a look at them. 
Yours
George

It takes two to tango - a cat and a human!

Dear George, 

I got so encouraged and inspired by your answer and, of course by the comments made by other feline friends in reference to my last letter that I felt it was my duty to up-date you on the latest development of training my humans.

Between your advice to train them without them “knowing” and CAT Victoria’s mentioning of “Dance me to the end of love” (which, by the way…it is a Leonard Cohen’s song) I came up with this brilliant idea…I’ll teach them “tango”!

Why tango? Because it’s passionate! It’s dramatic! It has the “wow”…the “joie de vivre”! I’ll teach my female human how to tango! She’ll love the passion. She’ll love the rose between my teeth (as you can see in the picture). I’ll make my male human jealous! I’ll make him forget about Bach! I’ll make him change the “tune”. I’ll make him love tango! Good plan? What do you think George?

Tango…..anyone?

Lenny

Dear Lenny,

 After a bad week, having lost my cool with Toby's boast about his whiskers, your letter came like an inspiration. What a caring cat you are. And what a truly wild idea - teaching your human to tango. And that photo! So romantic!
Do you in Canada by any chance have a TV programme called Strictly Dancing? We do and it shows human celebrities competing for a dancing trophy. If your idea catches on we could have cat celebrities teaching humans to dance? Here in the UK we could start with Larry the Downing St cat teaching David Cameron to dance human cheek to feline cheek. 
Over the pond it's probably too late to get Socks, the former White House cat, involved. He retired from politics altogether, though I always thought that President Clinton would have avoided a lot of trouble if he had spent more time with Socks and less with interns.
But there is one problem. Are humans capable of learning a pas de deux with cats? I have my gravest doubts about President Clinton or David Cameron. Nor do I think your Canadian mayor Rob Ford would manage too well: he'd probably fall over.
Keep us informed on our progress, Lenny. This could be the beginning of something big.
Yours
George

Whiskers - size matters.

Dear George,
If you look at my photo, you will see that I now have magnificent whiskers. They are about 6 inches long and white, apart from two little ones furthest from my mouth which are darker.
I am particularly proud of them because I used to be whisker-challenged when I lived as a street cat. I had whiskers, of course. But they were small and not at all attractive.
Now I consider these big ones one of my most attractive features.Their size is wonderful but I also like the discreet way they are white rather than ginger. This gentle contrast suits me. It is not as blatant as the white whiskers on a black and white cat or black whiskers on a black whiskerpad like yours. Personally I consider those just a little bit vulgar.
Mine are long, white and (I think) a sign that I have put my past behind me and have taken my place among gentlecats.
Yours proudly
Toby.

Dear Toby,
 What on earth is wrong with white whiskers on a black and white cat? Or black whiskers on a black cat like me? Your cattitude smacks of social climbing. I can only remind you that while you can take the cat off the street, you can't take the street out of the cat.
Who is the cat that steals food out of the bread bin and even out of the food recycling bin? Which cat is it, that will shamelessly eat crumbs put out for the birds? And has even been spotted eating a stolen cold potato? I have never been a thief.
I take particular offence at your prejudiced remarks about black whiskers. My whiskers may not be as long as yours, but I came from a privileged background, a private boarding pen not far from Witney, where I was brought up by a human Nanny. No question in my case of living on the street.
We cats, who came from a correct social background, do not make unhelpful comparisons of whisker size or whisker colour. Personal remarks like this are not the mark of a true gentlecat.
Yours in disgust.
George

Can I train my human to stop playing that loud music?

Dear George,
I’m Lenny, named of course after the great Leonard Cohen. I’m six years old now but when I was much younger I adopted a human family.

I don’t recall all the details as I was quite busy training them from day one, especially the male human who wasn’t that much into cats I think. I never had an issue with my female human – she’s well trained; she is the perfect mom.
But, between you and me George, I must admit I adore my human kitten; she is pretty, she’s fun and she is a good friend. We play together, we eat together, we listen to music together – we spend lots of time together. My problem is my male human, her daddy!
Yes, he warmed up to me lately but I don’t think he really understands that “cats rule”.
If I’m listening to Lenny Cohen with my human kitty - he plays Bach….loud! Very loud!
I’m very playful by nature but how long can a cat have fun on Bach? I gave him plenty of signals to change the tune but he won’t get it. Do you think I failed in training him?
What should I do to make it clear that I make the rules, I run the house?
Waiting for the miracle
Lenny

Dear Lenny, 

It is my impression that the human females are more easily trained than the males. Many human females find this to be true too!  But let me congratulate you on being a responsible owner, and starting a training regime from day one.  If only all cats did this, we would have a population of much better behaved and happier humans.
A human can be trained without knowing he is being trained. So the fact that your human male doesn't understand that "Cats Rule" is not in itself important. Dumb creatures without much understanding can nevertheless be trained by us. Indeed, I would go further. Most human pets don't even realise that their cat is training them!
As for Bach? This is a tricky training problem and I am not sure it is worth the effort. Leaving the room when this music is loud may be helpful. You will be spared the assault on your hearing: your human will lose the delight of your presence. In theory this is punishment. But here's the difficulty. If your human has not been properly socialised to cats, he may not care that you withdraw your presence. 
So it may be that it is not worth your effort to train out this particularly irritating bit of behaviour. Sometimes we have to accept the things we cannot (or do not care to) change. 
Yours
George 
PS.  It could be worse. My late human used to play military band music very loud.