Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Naked but not as nature intended.... these humans!


Dear George,
Look at me (and please don’t laugh)! Who did this?
Believe it or not ….ME! Yes, I did this to myself. Hard to believe but it is true! How did I manage to get this hairdo? Very simple!
By training my humans too well. See, I never thought there was such a delicate balance within the human brain between ignorance and willingness to please.
Don’t get me wrong; my humans are extremely nice and love me very much. They try to please me in any way they can; they attend to all my meows and needs day and night.
But, please allow me to introduce myself; my name is Mojo and, of course, I was blessed with beautiful long hair. A while ago my humans decided to get a new brush which I totally disliked. Each time they try to brush my coat I would cry and meow and cry again.
When they stopped brushing me I thought I’m living up to my name and use my magic power to make them do whatever I want them to. Well…the rest is history as you can imagine my coat got so matted they had to give me a shave instead of brushing.
But, don’t you think they should have got more knowledgeable about brushes first? Couldn’t they see that horrible little brush won’t work on my long hair?
George, do you think I fail in training my humans? What do I do now?
I can’t even go outside – I feel naked.
Very upset
Mojo

Dear Mojo, 
Would a human being like it if their hairdresser pulled their hair, or scraped their scalp with a comb, or hurt them in every way? Of course, they would not. They would never go to that particular hairdresser again. So why expect us cats to put up with this? 
You didn't fail to train them. You trained them not to brush you! Brilliant bit of training, I agree, but not such a good idea.
You should have been training them to groom you daily in the right way. They should combine the brushing with a delicious treat and never brush too long time. They should lure you with the treat to a place which suits them, where the brush is ready, and then brush for two or three minutes, finally giving you the treat. And then they should stop. If more brushing is needed they can start again after half an hour.
They need the right equipment. Zoomgrooms are gentle and most cats enjoy them, but they don't do a good job on lots of hair. Slicker brushes, used with care, are more effective as are metal combs (fairly wide ones). The cheap small human hairbrushes used for permed hair can be useful too.
Then, having given you a break, they can start again.  If they as gentle as possible, generous with the treat, and always patient, you will find it easier. They should (for the time being) cut out any knots rather than try to brush them out. Most cats dislike being brushed, because their humans tug at the hair impatiently, don't leave enough time to brush little by little, and pull out knots forcibly. Knots should either be cut out, or (for show cats) teased with the fingers gently, gently, and brushed a tiny bit at a time.
If you are now severely phobic about being groomed, there are some instructions dictated by me to my website secretary here   Get to work with those purrs and claws to help them learn this new trick.
George

Saturday, June 28, 2014

George's obituary of Harvey the Inspirational House Rabbit

 Harvey the Inspirational House Rabbit was a shining beacon for rabbits everywhere. "He took over our lives as soon as he arrived," says Janet, his pet and primary care giver. "From the start he decided firmly what would be his own lifestyle, limitations and place in the family set up."
Luckily for other rabbits who are thinking of moving into a human house, Harvey left a record of his training methods. "It's not all cabbage and carrots being in charge of two humans and a house," he admitted. He monitored all visitors,  and enjoyed watching TV.
His diary of daily life can be purchased here
Harvey also busied himself with a little redecorating - putting frills on the sofa arm, and adjusting the carpet fringe a little. "It was all done very tastefully," he remarked, "They could have shown a bit more appreciation in my opinion."
Like all good trainers, Harvey recognised the importance of showing displeasure when training a human. "If they try to blame you for something, turn your back. If you want to object to anything at all, turn your back and sit tight."
His chapter on the importance of watching feet should be read by all house animals. It is an important insight into the world of humans. He realised that feet were the key to predicting human activity within the house.
He will be much missed. His legacy is his blog and the written version of it in a book. He also contributed photos to Celia's website.




Saturday, June 21, 2014

Using catnip - do I have a problem? CCA is the answer.

Dear George,
I seem to be spending a lot of time lying in the garden bed next to the catnip weed. As I stroll past the enticing odour hits my nose, and I feel obliged to get closer for a real long sniff.
Next thing I know I am rolling on my back over the weed in what I can only call ecstacy...it is soooooo wonderful. I seem to be right out of this world. Nothing matters to me except the moment of pleasure.
There is one problem, however. I am beginning to worry about my supply. I think about it all the time. The plants themselves are suffering. The one on the right, which you can just see in the photo is surviving but the one on the left (on which I am rolling) only has a few rather battered small leaves. I am killing the thing I love. Any how can I guarantee a regular supply?
Am I getting addicted?
Yours anxiously (except when high)
Toby.

Dear Toby,
Substance abuse (common among humans) is rare among cats. Normal cats can enjoy catnip in moderation. We can take it or leave it. Or perhaps I should say we sniff it, we enjoy it, and then we leave it. But if you are spending too much time on the catnip patch, you may have a problem.
Is using catnip interfering with your normal routine? Do you spend too much time sniffing? Have you lost interest in daily activities like mousing and chasing moths? Do you find that your relationship with your humans is suffering? Are you grumpy and jumpy on a wet day when you cannot get your normal supply? Or are you rolling a sniff even when you get your coat soaked with rain?
If you say yes to any of these questions, you may have a catnip problem. I suggest you start googling CCA or Catnip Cats Anonymous. Don't let it ruin your life. You need help.
Yours from a moderate catnip user,
George
PS. In your previous life on the streets, you will have seen human alcoholics and addicts in dirty macs, with bottles and gear, slumped on benches, shouting, falling over, and generally being obnoxious. Take a lesson from them - get clean before it is too late.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Trouble with other cats in the home? The key to feline serenity is detachment.


Dear George,
I’m Captain Von Trapp and, yes, I can meow but I can’t sing. And thanks God….I don’t have 7 or 10 children but, I was blessed with a housekeeper, an assistant and two human pets. Of course, we are rescues! As soon as we got to our new headquarters I took over the command of the household. Thanks God my human pets are easily trainable and willing to please (as you can see in the picture). They are of good nature but I don’t think they know Von Trapp family’s story. They named “my Maria” (the housekeeper) “Queen Abby” or something like that (I’m too upset to even remember) and now she really thinks she’s the Alpha cat. Instead of taking care of my needs she runs up and down the stairs like a tornado and she won’t listen to my meows. Another problem is my assistant! They named him “Storm” – is this a proper name for an assistant?  I don’t think so. And, to make things worse…Storm has no skills. I think he is a gypsy at heart! He wonders far from home and gets everybody worried. I don’t know what to do!
George, I need your advice! Do you think “yodeling” will be more appropriate to make my needs known?

Yodel-a- d-ee
Captain Von Trapp

Dear Captain,
One of the mysteries of feline life is that it is so easy to train human females and so difficult to train feline females! Many of the techniques we use on humans - loud purring as a reward, scratching as a punishment - are not so effective on other cats. Other cats are likely just to scratch back. I have my doubts about yodelling as a technique..... It works well for humans: less well for feisty female cats!
Within our own feline community, the best way to cope with others is to use spacing and time sharing of resources. Work out your own space in the household - where you like to sleep, when you use the litter tray, what time you sleep on that patch of sunlight in the windowsill and where you have your space on the human bed. And stick to this.
Train your humans to put down enough litter trays and at least two different locations for food and for water (not too close to each other), and avoid Queen Abby and Storm as much as possible. If you refuse to play the game of who-is-top-cat, she can't play it without your
participation.Their idiotic activities are not your concern. Ignore them both.
Live your own life within the household. Keep the humans focussed on your needs. And leave Abby and Storm to get on with it. Detachment is the key to feline serenity.
Purrs and rubs
George
PS. Apologies to my fans. I missed last week's deadline due to my secretary being ill. I thought about firing her and rehoming myself then decided to be more patient with the poor thing.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Of Hawks, Roads, and Interesting Stuff in the Kitchen.


Dear George,
We were quite impressed by your interview from last week (see here). It seems that finally you have been given credit for your work. We are very happy about your instant fame since we need your advice more than ever.
We are home alone (for the moment); Princess is watching for our humans’ return (from work) and the three of us are exploring the kitchen (as you can see in the picture).
Now…this should be a perfect picture in a cat’s life …being home alone and able to explore the human territory, but it is not in our case and the reason is that we are not allowed outdoors. How much fun can we have being indoor cats? How much or for how long can we explore the humans’ territory? As already known…humans don’t have much imagination or secrets. How long before we start fighting with each other right out of boredom? 
George, we need a solution to our problem. We even thought of tricking our humans and sneak out the door….but we were afraid. It’s not the traffic (which is quite nearby and terrible)…It’s the hawks! Our neighbourhood was alerted about an unusual and increased number of hawks. The other day one snatched a little dog (leash on) from his human.
What are we to do? Any ideas how to keep the hawks away?
Eternally grateful,
Vegas, Marty and Bentley

Dear Vegas, Marty and Bentley,
What a shocking story about the hawks. Luckily it was only a dog. I'm not too keen on dogs myself but that is because I am a cat flap cat. Various dogs pass by my house, usually pulling their humans for a walk, and many of them lunge at me. My normal procedure is to run up the nearby willow tree and sneer at them.
This would not work for hawks. Here in the Cotswolds we have buzzards and red kites, both of which would take a kitten given the chance. I usually warn smaller cats and kittens to get under cover as fast as possible - under the garden shed, through the cat flap or even under the oil boiler.
Traffic is definitely more dangerous to us cats than hawks. There are an enormous number of road injuries which is the argument for keeping cats like you indoors. 
Get your humans working on providing more interesting facilities. There are some good ideas here. I favour a tiger pole myself. Due to sheer human idleness I don't have one yet.
Yours
George


Saturday, May 24, 2014

At last -- recognition for my valuable work as a human behaviour counsellor.


Read it at http://mousebreath.com/2014/05/human-agony-aunt-george/









For once this column is all about Me.  Not other cats' problems with their humans.
After years of studying human behaviour and years of trying to help other cats understand their humans, I have had full recognition in Mousebreath, the award winning magazine by cats for cats.
I was interviewed by the Jan's Funny Farm team - more about them at http://JansFunnyFarm.blogspot.co.uk This is the first time that I have appeared in a proper cat magazine. I have appeared in human magazines occasionally and occasionally I have guest blogged for human blogs. But this is a first.
I am thrilled because I want to get across one simple fact. Train your human. A properly trained human is a delight to live with. Moreover a trained human is a happy human. They know their place and they enjoy being in our family.
So please read my interview and remember this take-home message. Train them.
George.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

How could my human refuse such a magnificent gift?

Dear George,
I finally achieved my ambition. I caught a rat all by myself. Previously I have picked up and carried rats that were originally caught by my companion Tilly. I hunted this one all by myself.
Look at the size of it! Twice as big as a mouse. I won't bore you with the full tail - how I heard it squeak, focussed all my attention on the shrubbery, stalked slowly and quietly up to it, and then pounced grabbing it by its bottom.
I bore it proudly out from the shrub, my head held high, my whole body quivering with joy, and decided to give it to my human. I was sure she would like it, as she ran and got a camera to photograph me and my rat. It was big enough for a whole human meal. She could have eaten it on toast like a grouse.
What happened next was a huge disappointment. As I strode towards her, she turned tail and ran into the house. Then she actually locked the cat flap against me.
How could she be so insensitive?
Toby.

Dear Toby,
For years I have campaigned to try to get across this message. Human Beings Refuse to Eat Mice or Rats.  We have all tried our best. We have brought in a wide variety of rodents, and there has been not a single case of human gratitude. Nor has it ever been recorded that a human seized the dead rodent, cooked and ate it. They just don't.
Birds are another matter. They eat birds frequently, mainly chickens but occasionally larger birds like turkey and goose. They even eat wild birds like pheasants and partridges and I am told that in France they eat blackbirds, after putting them in a pate.
Even so, almost all human refuse to eat the birds we bring in. I do know of one case, when I brought in a partridge, my own human shuddered but her sister seized it off me, wrung its neck, plucked it and took it home to eat. Now there is a human that knows what's what - even if I did lose my bird.
You will just have to learn to live with human ingratitude about rats. You cannot change human nature.
Yours
George.

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Is it time for Bite The Vet week?

Dear George,
Unfortunately ,I was sick the other night, and even though it was outside, Mummy found it, and whipped me to that horrid place where they stuck a glass thing up my bottom, so undignified, and needles in me, shaved off my fur to do this.  And left me in a cage all day with water going in my leg.
What a carry on. I did feel very queasy.
She did collect me at 5 and had cooked me fish, and chicken. Well I was famished so was glad to see food. I stayed out that night, popped in to wake up when I got hungry, and guess what? 

She shut me in at 8am and out came my basket and back we went to the vets, for another injection. Cost her over £300 so that'll teach her a lesson.
Lots more fish and chicken followed, but I've stayed out of the house , only entering to wake her for food at night or a cuddle in the evening, as I know she's is worried, but it has freaked me out.
I suppose it did make me better, but how would she like it?
I know you will understand ,George.
Lots of love,
Toby xx.


Dear Toby,

Vets. I loathe and detest them. I call them torturers.  They are always jabbing needles into us. And as for that thing up the bottom. My friend William used turn round smartly and bite the hand that was trying to stuff a glass tube up his backside. He wouldn't have it. 
And the smell. Each time I go there it smells of feline distress, anxious human, and smelly dogs. In the waiting room the worry smell is almost overpowering. And oddest of all, the humans don't seem able to smell the anxiety in the air. Even the dogs do. But not the humans.
I am thinking of starting a Bite The Vet week among fellow felines. Or maybe we could start a cat gang, kidnap a vet, hold him down and stick a tube up his bottom.
 With sympathy for your suffering,
George. 
PS. This blog is early because my human is putting me into captivity for week, as she goes away to enjoy herself. Sickening behaviour.  AND she was too late to put this photo of Mexico Day (May 4) on the previous blog. I wish humans were more efficient.

Saturday, May 03, 2014

Astrocats..... famous cats, space, and our new territory cyberspace

Dear George,
Did you ever hear about Astrocats?
I'm asking you because I'm thinking if I should consider the possibility (as you can see in the picture).
In the sixties, when dogs were being sent into space, cats had the good sense to avoid the trip.
In 1963, for example, when the French government had numerous cats undergoing intensive training for possible space flight, 10 of the would-be astrocats were “decommissioned” for eating too much! Even Felix, a Parisian street cat chosen to undertake the first mission, managed to escape at the last minute.
On October 18, 1963, his replacement, a female cat named Félicette, blasted off on a 100-mile flight lasting less than 15 minutes and was recovered, safe, but probably mad as hell.
So, George what do you think? Should cats take over the cyberspace?
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Yes, of course, we should. Cyberspace is different from real space out there. Real space has killed score of animals - monkeys, mice, dogs (remember Laika the first dog in space), guinea pigs and even fruit flies. All sent off in a rocket to their deaths, because humans were happy to sacrifice them for their own safety in space.
Cyberspace is different. Just look at Youtube for videos of cats or I can haz cheezburgher. We have practically taken them over. We are even more popular the Hitler parodies - and that's saying something. Not forgetting the website Cats that look like Hitler or blogs about cats like Jan's Funny Farm or blogs written by cats like Harry Spotter. Harry is so exclusive that you have to ask to be permitted to read his blog, though he did once write a letter to me! Also worth looking at the Cat Blogosphere linkies where many bloggers like me leave their pawmarks. Cats like Mabel the Stroud cat are also taking over Facebook.
So onward and upward Victoria. Forget about space travel. That's yesterdays story. Let's just take over the internet completely.
George.


Saturday, April 26, 2014

Dear George,
I need some advice. I am here with my brothers and sisters at Sunshine Cat Rescue.  I am looking for a home.
Every now and again a human, or sometimes two humans at a time, turn up and take a look at us kittens. How am I going to choose the best human?
What should I look for? They all look rather the same to me - very little fur except at the top of their heads, loud voices, and strange smells. The women seem to have scent coming from their bodies, while the men (at least the ones with bald chins) have scent coming from their faces.
What is even stranger is that none of them can purr. They can't even miaow properly. And they are awfully clumsy.
Which one should I choose? And how to I make it clear to a dumb animal that he or she is the chosen one?
Yours anxiously
Riley.

Dear Riley,
How wise of you to get advice before making your choice. Choosing the right human is probably the most important thing you will ever do in your life. And there are ways to make sure you get the best one.
Don't judge on looks. Judge them on temperament. Humans that are middle aged or even disabled can sometimes make the best pets. While young humans are fun; they are a big commitment. And they are more likely to be badly behaved.
The ideal human pet speaks quietly, moves slowly and handles cats gently. It doesn't matter if they are rich or poor, but it matters how loving they are. If they love cats, the more vocal ones may make noises like "Aahhh" or "Isn't he sweet."  Or they will just look longingly at you.
So how do you make your preference clear? Walk up to the human and rub against their legs, if you can. If you are in a cat pen then walk right up to the bars. Gaze upwards to the human. Humans, unlike cats, find a long gaze irresistible. A glance across a crowded room  often starts a human love affair.
So look long, purr loudly, and (if they come into your pen) climb on to them! That usually does it. Almost every human loves a kitten!
Yours
George.
PS. And start training them as soon as you get into your new home. A well trained human is a purrfect pet.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Easter eggs: why can't I have one for myself?

Dear George,
I’m not sticking my tongue out at you; I’m sticking my tongue out at my “mummy”.
I’m once again very upset with her. It all started yesterday when she got two packages with chocolate and goodies from a dear friend from overseas.
I’ve seen stamps and labels with cats on the packages so I thought they were for me (I know this dear friend loves me more than she loves my mummy) so I tried to open them.
Oh boy, did she jump shouting that I’m not allowed chocolate? I wasn’t going to eat chocolate but I wanted to see what else was in there. She hid everything away.
I went to sleep very, very sad! Today I’ve seen her boiling eggs and dipping them in red liquid dye. They came out quite bright red and shiny and I thought this was the perfect time to play and have some fun. So I jumped up on a chair and started pushing them one by one over the table. Whoa! You should have seen her face staring at me in disbelief!
Of course she overreacted as she always does. She said the eggs were for Easter and turned her back to me. So I stuck my tongue out at her (as you can see in the photo how mad and upset I was). Now what? Should I talk to her again?
Should I crack eggs with her on Sunday? George, do you think I misbehaved?
Happy Easter to all
Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
Ninety nine percent of the time humans are plain wrong. But for once your human was in the right. We cats shouldn't eat chocolate. It contains theobromine which is poisonous. It's even more poisonous for us than for dogs. Luckily, unless it comes in ice cream or chocolate sauce, we are less likely to eat it in the first place.
Greedy dogs sometimes swallow down a whole box of chocolate and need veterinary treatment urgently.The more expensive the chocolate, the more cocoa there will be in it, and therefore the most theobromine. 
Hard boiled eggs are a different matter. Personally I like a little egg - maybe just a little lick of the plate after breakfast eggs. My predecessor Fat Ada used to eat them raw, biting into the egg carton, cracking them with her teeth and licking up the yoke. She had learned this when she lived on the street, breaking into houses through the cat flap and  burgling their kitchens.
You did nothing wrong. You communicated your natural feelings to your human. She was mean minded enough to ignore them. I suggest sulking all through today (Easter Saturday), then lots of love and purring at the moment the painted eggs are cracked at Easter. It might work.
Love
George
PS. I am intrigued by your reading matter. High Society - about cats on roof tops, no doubt - speaks for itself. But why are you reading about dogs?

Friday, April 11, 2014

My humans are stealing my hammock....

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Dear George,
Last week I got this wonderful little hammock as a gift from my human kitten.
I must admit he brings me the coolest gifts. Now, who wouldn’t like to take a nap in a hammock? Of course I do – as you can see in the picture.  It’s such a joy to nap and get a little swing in the same time. I can sleep and sleep and sleep!
But, I can’t enjoy my new gift because lately my humans (the old folks) are acting very strange; as soon as they see me in the hammock napping they come and tempt me with treats or rub my belly or literally grab me off the hammock. She is worse than him. I know she’s jealous. But him? Do you think they want my hammock? Do they think they can fit in it? George, how can I make sure they won’t steal it from me? Also, I’d like to punish them for disturbing my sleep! I’d like to wake them up when they are sound asleep. What should I do? Please…..feed me all the tricks.
In love with a hammock
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
That hammock looks really good. I used to have one attached to a radiator but it fell off one day when I leapt on it. There was an enormous clattering sound and it never felt safe to get into again. Yours seems much better designed and fits safely under a chair.
I can do better than just tell you a few ideas for waking your human. I can show you some at http://www.wimp.com/catsalarm/  A human (believe it or not)  gave me this information. Michelle in Toronto is one of the least stupid humans I have come across. Cayenne, her owner, says she is really quite bright.
I particularly enjoy the cat who leaps on to his human's groin in the video. I have always found this particularly effective with a sleeping male. For a female, I prefer a slightly less direct approach. I get myself into position and then do what I call a dry spray - quiver my tail in an attractive come-on. The nearer you get to the human face, the more likely they are to wake up.
Biting toes under the duvet is good. My informant Tilly specialising in poking items off the bedside cabinet. She chooses the items that will make the most noise, but she also finds that her human responds well to the sound of her spectacles being poked. 
Grooming is reasonably effective, as the video shows. But it is hard work grooming all that hair - unless your human is bald. That makes it easier.
Yours
George

Saturday, April 05, 2014

What the hell do my humans think they are doing - A DOG!


My portrait by my human Nancy
Well George,     
Here I am again.
I’m rather tired, having been waging war with THE DOG - the small interloper I am forced to share my house with. She arrived without anyone asking my permission; a little, panting, whimpering ball of fur, who immediately had both my humans’ total attention. 
Apparently, she’s what is called a “Rescue Dog” [which means that she’s been rescued, not that she goes up mountains with a cocktail shaker hanging off her collar] and because of that, I’m supposed to be nice to her.
Honestly George, she arrived with so much stuff; -- blankets and toys, biscuits and bones, plus a couple of things called “Pig’s Ears.” My human gave her one, to keep her calm [or just plain shut her up], but she was in such a state she didn’t want it.   
So I took and hid it on top of the wardrobe, which is my favourite hiding place. [You should see how many pens and paint brushes I have up there!  My humans are “artists” and have heaps of them, or did have before I got to them] 
Ha!  Chaos:  1   DOG:  nil 
Next step was to register my disapproval, so I had a chew at one of the big pot plants in the lounge. It’s a “Maidenhair Fern.” How do I know this?   Because She Who Must be Obeyed was yelling “Chaos, leave the.....alone” at the top of her voice.
So I sat in it.
It’s outside the window now, on the deck....Rats. 
Human:  1    Chaos: nil 
As I mentioned before, I ask for biscuits, sitting on the arm of Her chair......unfortunately, THE DOG has realised that I am getting something she is not, so my Human now tosses her MY biscuits...yes, my biscuits at the same time, because [get this] she doesn’t like dog biscuits!
Well!
If she’s going to run around the room like a wet ferret, chasing my biscuits, then so am I.......so now I have to get down from my special perch, and race around like the idiot dog. [Sigh] 
THE DOG: 1       Chaos: 1   
A  draw? 
Yours 
Chaos 

Dear Chaos,
Do not take any impertinence from the dog. If there is trouble, stand your ground and swipe. Hard. It is essential that you establish your position as Top Cat from the very start of the relationship. The dog must look up to you and accept you as its total superior.
It sounds as if you are starting well by stealing the pig's ear. Now you must start training the dog. It sounds as if your humans use positive reinforcement (with your biscuits) to train this inferior mammal. You should use ruthless punishment - institute a claw and order programme immediately. 
And have a back up escape plan - high up. Dogs can't climb.
Dogs have an instinct to back down in any trial of strength and make pathetic appeasement efforts such as rolling on their back, licking their lips, and even raising a paw. When we raise a paw it is a threat. With them it is a supplication. You may have to explain this to the dog by following up your paw raising with a proper swipe.
Best of luck. It is typical that your humans did not ask your permission. Who do they think they are? Top of the hierarchy? Idiots.
Yours
George.
PS. I like the portrait.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Why am I clawing visitors?

Dear George,
 My name is Golab and I’m a rescue. I was adopted from a shelter by this wonderful family, my new human parents.  I don’t know how old I am but I can’t be too old as I still remember the abuse I suffered before I was rescued. All is too fresh in my memory. 
I love my humans and they love me. I’m happy and at peace as you can see in the photo attached. I’m treated like royalty. I take pride in my humans and my home.  But, I have an issue; for whatever reasons I claw everybody else visiting my humans.
I know my humans are worried and perhaps upset. I don’t know how to tell them that I’m afraid of other people, I don’t trust other people and each time they have company I panic that the company will take them away from me and I’ll be abandoned and abused again. I’m not possessive or jealous, I’m just scared.
George, the problem is that they will have family from overseas visiting soon and they are thinking of renting a flat just for me so they will come daily to visit me and spend time together. This is very generous of them but I don’t want to live in a flat for three months. George, this is a very serious matter and I need your expertise.
Firstly, why do you think I act like this….clawing everybody visiting them?
Secondly, what should I do? Is there anything I can do or they can do so?
How can we all live in peace (visitors included)?
In distress
Golab

Dear Golab,
Some of us are one-human cats. We love our human pets, but we don't love or even much like any other human. Well, it's natural, isn't it? Those of us who were in animal shelters have often seen the worst side of human nature - humans throwing things at us, humans shouting, and sometimes cats have even been tortured in the microwave by sick human beings. Feral humans can be vile,much more evil than any animals.
I expect it took you time to learn to trust again. Now you do trust your new human pets, which is wonderful. I am sure that they have responded to your growing confidence and love.
Now it is time for them to look after you. Renting a special flat for you isn't exactly what you want. You'd prefer if they rented the flat for these visiting humans! However, that might not happen. Perhaps they would think of a cattery - not much fun for you, but if you have been in a rescue shelter you probably at least know the score.
If none of this happens, find a safe area in your home - under your humans' bed, on a high cupboard in the spare room, in a box cut to make a hidey hole or perhaps on a bookshelf somewhere. Settle in there. If you can, purrsuade your humans to keep the visitors away from your space. Maybe they could even give you a room of your own for a bit with your own litter tray, food and water, and a familiar bed. A Feliway diffuser would help too.
Tell them to tell the visitors to ignore you. If they are staying a long time, you may feel confident enough to come out and take a look at them. 
Yours
George


Thursday, March 20, 2014

It takes two to tango - a cat and a human!

Dear George, 
I got so encouraged and inspired by your answer and, of course by the comments made by other feline friends in reference to my last letter that I felt it was my duty to up-date you on the latest development of training my humans.
Between your advice to train them without them “knowing” and CAT Victoria’s mentioning of “Dance me to the end of love” (which, by the way…it is a Leonard Cohen’s song) I came up with this brilliant idea…I’ll teach them “tango”!
Why tango? Because it’s passionate! It’s dramatic! It has the “wow”…the “joie de vivre”! I’ll teach my female human how to tango! She’ll love the passion. She’ll love the rose between my teeth (as you can see in the picture). I’ll make my male human jealous! I’ll make him forget about Bach! I’ll make him change the “tune”. I’ll make him love tango! Good plan? What do you think George?
Tango…..anyone?
Lenny

Dear Lenny,
 After a bad week, having lost my cool with Toby's boast about his whiskers, your letter came like an inspiration. What a caring cat you are. And what a truly wild idea - teaching your human to tango. And that photo! So romantic!
Do you in Canada by any chance have a TV programme called Strictly Dancing? We do and it shows human celebrities competing for a dancing trophy. If your idea catches on we could have cat celebrities teaching humans to dance? Here in the UK we could start with Larry the Downing St cat teaching David Cameron to dance human cheek to feline cheek. 
Over the pond it's probably too late to get Socks, the former White House cat, involved. He retired from politics altogether, though I always thought that President Clinton would have avoided a lot of trouble if he had spent more time with Socks and less with interns.
But there is one problem. Are humans capable of learning a pas de deux with cats? I have my gravest doubts about President Clinton or David Cameron. Nor do I think your Canadian mayor Rob Ford would manage too well: he'd probably fall over.
Keep us informed on our progress, Lenny. This could be the beginning of something big.
Yours
George



Friday, March 14, 2014

Whiskers - size matters.

Dear George,
If you look at my photo, you will see that I now have magnificent whiskers. They are about 6 inches long and white, apart from two little ones furthest from my mouth which are darker.
I am particularly proud of them because I used to be whisker-challenged when I lived as a street cat. I had whiskers, of course. But they were small and not at all attractive.
Now I consider these big ones one of my most attractive features.Their size is wonderful but I also like the discreet way they are white rather than ginger. This gentle contrast suits me. It is not as blatant as the white whiskers on a black and white cat or black whiskers on a black whiskerpad like yours. Personally I consider those just a little bit vulgar.
Mine are long, white and (I think) a sign that I have put my past behind me and have taken my place among gentlecats.
Yours proudly
Toby.

Dear Toby,
 What on earth is wrong with white whiskers on a black and white cat? Or black whiskers on a black cat like me? Your cattitude smacks of social climbing. I can only remind you that while you can take the cat off the street, you can't take the street out of the cat.
Who is the cat that steals food out of the bread bin and even out of the food recycling bin? Which cat is it, that will shamelessly eat crumbs put out for the birds? And has even been spotted eating a stolen cold potato? I have never been a thief.
I take particular offence at your prejudiced remarks about black whiskers. My whiskers may not be as long as yours, but I came from a privileged background, a private boarding pen not far from Witney, where I was brought up by a human Nanny. No question in my case of living on the street.
We cats, who came from a correct social background, do not make unhelpful comparisons of whisker size or whisker colour. Personal remarks like this are not the mark of a true gentlecat.
Yours in disgust.
George

Saturday, March 08, 2014

Can I train my human to stop playing that loud music?


Dear George,
I’m Lenny, named of course after the great Leonard Cohen. I’m six years old now but when I was much younger I adopted a human family.
I don’t recall all the details as I was quite busy training them from day one, especially the male human who wasn’t that much into cats I think. I never had an issue with my female human – she’s well trained; she is the perfect mom.
But, between you and me George, I must admit I adore my human kitten; she is pretty, she’s fun and she is a good friend. We play together, we eat together, we listen to music together – we spend lots of time together. My problem is my male human, her daddy!
Yes, he warmed up to me lately but I don’t think he really understands that “cats rule”.
If I’m listening to Lenny Cohen with my human kitty - he plays Bach….loud! Very loud!
I’m very playful by nature but how long can a cat have fun on Bach? I gave him plenty of signals to change the tune but he won’t get it. Do you think I failed in training him?
What should I do to make it clear that I make the rules, I run the house?
Waiting for the miracle
Lenny

Dear Lenny, 
It is my impression that the human females are more easily trained than the males. Many human females find this to be true too!  But let me congratulate you on being a responsible owner, and starting a training regime from day one.  If only all cats did this, we would have a population of much better behaved and happier humans.
A human can be trained without knowing he is being trained. So the fact that your human male doesn't understand that "Cats Rule" is not in itself important. Dumb creatures without much understanding can nevertheless be trained by us. Indeed, I would go further. Most human pets don't even realise that their cat is training them!
As for Bach? This is a tricky training problem and I am not sure it is worth the effort. Leaving the room when this music is loud may be helpful. You will be spared the assault on your hearing: your human will lose the delight of your presence. In theory this is punishment. But here's the difficulty. If your human has not been properly socialised to cats, he may not care that you withdraw your presence. 
So it may be that it is not worth your effort to train out this particularly irritating bit of behaviour. Sometimes we have to accept the things we cannot (or do not care to) change. 
Yours
George 
PS.  It could be worse. My late human used to play military band music very loud.

Saturday, March 01, 2014

If only World Spay Day had applied to humans as well as cats....

Dear George,
I am increasingly worried. I overheard the human carer talking about "getting her spayed." Here I am, stuck in a rescue pen, and it looks as if somebody is going to deprive me of the chance of kittens.
Is this right? Humans seem to glory in doing this too us. I am told that last Wednesday was World Spay Day, as if to celebrate depriving us cats of a chance to reproduce.
Humans seem to have an odd attitude. The male cats in Sunshine Cat Rescue have all had their bits taken away. Now it looks as if it will be my turn.
I am told you have been through the same ordeal. Help me. Should I try to escape back to the streets of Witney?
Yours with apprehension
Henrietta.

Dear Henrietta,
Theoretically I am on your side. It seems obvious that humans are interfering with our natural rights to have kittens. They don't go around neutering and spaying other humans, do they? They just do it to us cats.
However, I can assure you that it is not too bad - if you discount the horror of the veterinary clinic with its smells and noises. After they did it to me, I thought I should die of shame. But, after a while, I really didn't care. There was something liberating about not having to chase females all the time. I could be friends at last with the other sex. As the feline philosopher SoCATes said,"I have been freed from the embrace of a troublesome god."
Reflecting, as I often do, on the condition of the human race, I wonder why they don't do it themselves. Most of the men would be happier without their intimate bits. They would find a new calmness and serenity. And many of the women would no longer have the anxieties of birth and caring for their little ones.
Besides there is gross human overpopulation. If we could give a new meaning to World Spay Day, so that it applies to humans as well as felines, the world would be a happier place.
Purrs
George
PS. This post is late, due to Celia's computer being in hospital with a broken hard drive.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Pussy's Potent Pee Plunges Power Plug to Phut!

Dear George,
The other morning I went to use my large and frequently-emptied litter tray and to my slight surprise found that the back wall had been covered with a sheet of thick blue plastic. Indeed, this blue stuff had been brought down to floor level and my tray was sitting on a larger sheet of it.
I am not bothered by its presence, but I just wondered why it has appeared and wondered if you had any knowledge of such additions to a perfectly normal tray?
Sororital purrs
Milly

Dear Milly,
I am afraid that I have no idea whatsoever as to why your human changed the local décor, so I gave up trying to think about it and sent him a message via the Cat Ethernet. I do not usually bother to ask the inferior species for information: but this was an exception.This is his reply.
Your kind purrs returned.
George

Dear George,
As if I had dreamt it, I feel the need to write to you to explain a necessary modification to my cat's toilet area. In the small hours of one morning I was awoken by the wind and rain and did what I usually do at such times, turned on the BBC World Service for a news catch-up.
The clock/radio went dead. That week my area had suffered from a lengthy string of power cuts, mostly lasting for just a few minutes or even seconds as the local grid network automatically rerouted itself so as to by-pass a damaged power line. Usually very effective.
However on this occasion I noticed that there were lights on outside. It seemed that only my house was 'out'. So I took it that one of my circuit breakers had tripped. Indeed, the master breaker, as none of my light or power circuits worked.
This was bit of a nuisance for although I have a modern breaker system it is on an outside wall and a previous owner had placed a garden shed in front of it, although with the shed window against the electricity box door. So I had to put clothes on, go outside, reset breaker. Which promptly tripped again. Back inside to find the cause. Which was the power socket on the wall behind Milly’s tray. Where she had done a large pee while standing up. All over the power socket.
I removed the plug and patted the area dry. Went out and reset the breaker, which stayed on. Went back to bed.
Looking at the power socket it was obvious from corrosion of the brass plating and electric contacts that it had all been 'dampened' on a number of occasions. Replacing the socket took but a few minutes and as neither I nor Milly wish to relocate the tray the solution was to use a waterproof cover (wooden floor underlay) over the wall and indeed beneath the tray as a catch-all.
I have since seen Milly do the occasional pee while standing more-or-less upright; she has no problem with her waterworks nor stiffness in her joints, so I put the poor aim down to having other thoughts on her mind, such as "when will it stop raining".
Hope this explains the matter and you can go back to sleep.
Fond strokes to you and all at George Parva.
Jeremy

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Love is in the air - try cheek to cheek.

4
Dear George,  
My name is Socks and I’m a rescue - one year old. Most of what I recall from my 1st year of life is living in a cage in a shelter. One lucky day a young and beautiful woman came to work at the shelter as part of her practice o
volunteering as she is studying to become a veterinarian. She worked with me and of course she felt in love with me and last week she took me home. That was the luckiest day of my life and I was very, very happy.
She is kind and loves me but, I’m so terrified by the idea that I might be abandoned again that I’m afraid to show her any sign of affection. I don’t want to be hurt again for trusting and loving humans; it happened before to me and that memory is too fresh.
Now with Valentine’s Day approaching I dream of a candlelight dinner with her!
I dream of sharing little kisses, loving care and, of course sharing a steak or a mouse whatever she’ll prefer. She thinks I’m shy …but I’m only afraid I’ll be again lonely and abandoned. Do you think it’s appropriate to ask her for a date and a candlelight dinner for Valentine’s?  Or is it too early for me to show my true feelings for her?
Do you think I’m too young to date? I heard someone saying “you are never too old to love”? That means one can love from a very young age, right?
George, I need all your help as my manners are “shelters manners” not very polished.
I don’t know how to be romantic but I love my human.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all.
In love and…. grateful,
Socks

Dear Socks, 
I think I can help. First, the question of meals for two. Sharing a Valentine meal with humans is fraught with difficulty. If you bring them a fresh mouse, they are likely to shriek, run away, or even (what a waste) take it away from you and let it free. They can't seem to appreciate the gift and have such bad manners they do not even thank you. So that definitely won't work.
Sharing her meal is possible. I suggest moving cautiously on this one. My human, when she is alone, eats at the kitchen table and I sit near her looking as attractive as I can. She dines on meat and vegetables but doesn't seem very keen on sharing either of them. (I will eat potato if it is roasted in fat). I have tried snagging the food off her plate and she takes offence. She is too selfish to share.
Sophisticats have to use other measures. I think your best bet is just lots and lots of rubs and purrs. Have you tried cheek to cheek rubbing? My human finds this very romantic. She takes off her glasses so that they don't intervene, lowers her head, and waits for me to rub my cheek against hers. So sweet.
Loud purring always goes down well. If you purr near her plate, it just might make her share a little. Snuggle close to her on the bed at night and purr through the night - her body warmth will be useful in the bad weather you are having in Canada.  
We can love at any age. So can humans. Sometimes I think the older they are, the more love they need from us. 
Love 
George


Saturday, February 08, 2014

Training my human to wave at me....

Dear George,
I am a 13 year old Norwegian Forest, known for my high intelligence and sheer drop dead beauty, and I do not feel that this picture shows either, do you?
I have taught my humans to wave to me. I wave back, with one paw....two would be excessive!
I "beg" [Ha!!] or more to the point, demand, by waving both paws up by my ears. My human has a nasty habit of ignoring me as I balance beautifully on the arm of her chair, so I sometimes have to wave harder, to the point where I wave myself right off the chair.
She then has the damn nerve to laugh, sometimes hiding her face in her paw, and snorting, but I know what she's doing, and stalk off, tail at 'full flag".
I give her time to reflect, then return with a very patient expression, and go through the whole thing again ....usually she gives in then, and I get the biscuit I've been asking for. Humans can be so slow, can't they? If she's good, I will then shake her paw, to assure her she's been forgiven. If I don't feel she's being genuine, I administer a quick bite, to make my point.
My humans are the third family I've had. My birth family had a human who named me Chaos, because he said I was a lout....moi....a lout? Then I had a lovely human who gave me a whole tree trunk to play on, in the living room, but she had to go away, and then these humans took over my household duties. 
The first night I was with them [scared to death, as you can imagine] one of them wrote to the human I'd lost, who was a long way away, in Canada, in an email which said "Hi Mom.." and she answered me!! I have been writing to
her ever since, and am working on a book, to be called "Chaos to Canada"
Best Wishes
Chaos

Dear Chaos,
You are right. The photo doesn't do you justice. It brings up another cat-human issue. Why are humans so obsessed with our tummies. They go gooey when we do our social roll exposing this part of our anatomy. They try to pet us there. In my case, they get a bit of a shock as I respond by scratching. Hard.
On a more serious note. Your letter is proof that humans are trainable. For years most cats have argued that humans cannot be trained to do tricks. Dogs, maybe. Humans, never. This misunderstanding arose because many cats didn't realise how competantly they were training their humans to buy the right food, open doors, and give attention when required. 
But as you have shown, as well as the training basics, you can teach them agreeable little tricks such as hand waving. I am working on teaching Celia how to jump through a flaming hoop. Due to the inevitable lack of human intelligence, this is taking some time. 
But patience and persistence are all!
George.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org