Look at our wonderful cat walk!

Dear George,
We are sending you some photos of our cat walk. Before this excellent bit of wooden architecture was installed, we had to balance on the top of a precarious fence. This made our human nervous for our welfare. (She calls herself a cat behaviourist - the cheek of it). So she built this and we admit it is an excellent idea.
It makes an excellent walk way up and down the garden. There are resting stations at various points, on which we can loll, roll and even sleep. We can also use it for proper supervision of our human’s gardening attempts – we don’t want to miss a chance to use the fine tilth litter area she digs (she calls it a seed bed).
And of course, we have joined Neighbourhood Watch. Nothing happens in the cat world that we cannot see. And because we have such a stable resting place, we can see off intruders.
Yours truly,
Nimai and Syama.

Dear Nimai and Syama,
Clever idea. Humans are such dumb creatures so it is always a pleasant surprise when they make a big cognitive leap forward. The walkway is a short step for cats but a giant step for humankind.
It's all down to inspiration, of course. We cats can sometimes inspire great cognitive efficiency in our humans. I see (from the link) that your human has studied cats. Poor darlings. Mine has done some of the same studies she did. Mine has studied long and hard. It's so sweet. And I can still so easily outwit her! LOL.
Now I look at your cat walk, I think it would also fit inside a human house. A range of walks like this would give valuable vertical space for indoor only cats. We cat flap cats can always run up a tree if we need to look down on our humans (so healing if we are feeling down hearted). Indoor cats sometimes don't have much vertical space.
So, you indoor cats reading this blog. Entice your human to the computer to read this. And get them working on some nice wooden walkways.
Love
George
PS. The photos are Nimai and Syoma's copyright.

Gratitude is not a Cattitude. No excuses for poor service.

Dear George,

I’ll try to be short since I’m using my laptop and I don’t know how long the battery will last. We have a major black-out in Toronto and we are “in the dark” J so to speak!

I have two issues to write about; one is about my teeth and one about my human.

But, let me start with my teeth. If you remember I’m a rescue. I lived my first few years on the streets and this took a toll on me. Lately I couldn’t eat and I lost a lot of weight. Thanks God my human is not dumb and she took me for a check up. The vet found out that I had a terrible gum and teeth infection and I couldn’t eat because of the pain. He operated on me and pulled out all my teeth except for the canines.

My Mom panicked that I won’t be able to eat now with no teeth. Au contraire! I eat very well and have no more pain. My picture attached will prove that I’m well and quite rounded (I got back to my 11.5 lbs). George, I hope other cats and their humans will learn from my experience that actually a cat with no teeth can still live a normal life – I’m an indoor cat, that’s true!

The second issue I want to write you about is my human. She spoiled me more then usual when I was sick and in pain. Now, that I’m back to normal she refuses to get up at 4 am and feed me or play with me. She is trying to ignore me. Can you imagine this? Her excuse? She’s too tired and stressed from work and she wants to sleep and rest.

But….how comes that she could do it when I was sick? I have a little trick to make her get up but I can tell she’s very upset. I start scratching the walls in the bedroom.

I don’t know what drives her nuts – the noise or the damaged wall?

Anyway, do you have a better solution? Please help.

Hugs

Shumba

Dear Shumba,

Humans do something called gratitude. It is an attitude of mind, an attitude of gratitude, which means that they are pathetically pleased when we pet them. We cats don't do it. Yes, your human has been an excellent house servant. Yes, she rescued you off the street. Yes, she paid the vet bills.

So what? She is only doing her duty.

Duty well done is rare in humans and of course, it needs rewarding with purrs and head rubs. But rewards given too freely, without being contingent on proper human behaviour, are devalued. Training theory is absolutely clear on this point. Never give a reward for nothing.

Punishment, in which I include scratching the wall, also works well on humans though there can be what is known as "fall out". When the punishment is administered, the human becomes aggressive. This is the risk of your very clever punishment device of wall scratching. The technique may need reviewing.

Of course, scratching is an understandable way of you expressing your frustration. Punishment is almost alway an emotional relief for the punisher, which is why both cats and humans purrsist in using it. If your human had her wits about her she would block the wall with furniture and supply a good scratching post. (I have tested several and decided that the Fat Boy post is the best for a good stable scratch). However, being a dumb creature of an inferior species, she may not go for this solution.

Aggressive humans throw stuff, scream and sometimes even hit cats. If you think this may occur at night when you scratch, I suggest you forget punishing her for lack of response and instead try rewarding her for the right response. Wake her up with loud purring in her ears, snuggle into her arms, turn round and round butting her face. She will be charmed into waking.

Mew piteously. Walk towards the door then jump back on to the bed. Start the laborious process of purr and rub all over again until she gets up to feed you. Keep doing this ten or twelve times.

We cats can out purrsist any human.

Love George

PS. Love the fat photo. Your tummy looks gorgeous.

About worms and blogs....

Dear George,
We have been very inspired by your blog and decided to do one of our own, regularly enlightening the humans of Marlborough on aspects of our lives in The Marlborough Weekly Advertiser. The side effect of this successful endeavour is that now we do not get a moments peace. Whilst relaxing in our usual sunspot on the window sill we are now constantly woken up by people knocking on the window calling our names, it can be quite annoying but we feel it is a small sacrifice for the greater good – promoting feline and human communications.
However, recently there is one problem we have not been able to overcome, I, Lily have been working hard to contribute to the household, and during the recent wet weather spent many hours out in the cold and wet waiting for just the right moment to catch my prey. And yet, every single time I bring this juicy present to my human, she picks it up and puts it back outside in the flower pot! She seems to be deranged!
Yours,
Lily and Neeka
PS. As you can see from the photos, Lily is doing much of the editorial and Neeko is busy with research, when they are not bringing in worms.

Dear Lily and Neeka,
We cats are colonising the internet. We are on Facebook. We are on Twitter (my colleague Tilly tweets from TillyUgliest Cat). And we blog. Boy do we blog Take a look at the cat blogosphere .
Worms, I am afraid to say, are a sign of your relative youth. Yes, I enjoyed bringing in worms as a youngster. So satisfying to see the face of humans when I dropped one on the pillow. Or the screech as she put her foot into a shoe which had a worm in it. But they are small game.
You will have much more fun with mice. Humans really freak out if you drop one on their bed. Particularly if it is still alive. Putting a dead one into a shoe is good too. But the best place,for getting your human's attention, is to stash one in her handbag. It never fails. Never. Try it.
Rats are even better and I dare say there are a lot of rats in Marlborough. But they are a bit of a challenge. I have brought in living rats but usually they jumped out of my mouth before I got to the bedroom. Keep me posted on your progress.
Love George

Hosts with the most at the cat cafe

Dear George,
We are five cats who have gone into business opening a cafe for cat hungry humans. It's called Cafe Neko, meaning cat in Japanese, and its in Vienna city centre. We just hang out and do the host and hostess stuff while our human Takako Ishimitzu organises the human food and drink. We had to train her to get a license from Vienna's human bureaucrats (crats not cats - cats wouldn't be so silly) who kept objecting on the grounds of hygeine.
Hygeine, can you believe it. We are the cleanest species on the planet and the humans (who can't even wash themselves with their own tongues) think it is unhygeinic for us to run a cafe. It took us three years before she successfully got past their objections. We all came from the animal shelter and our job is just to let the humans stroke us and talk to us. You can see a film of our cafe here.
Business is booming. As you can imagine, humans really enjoy the chance to interact with a superior species. The 50 seats are full most of the time.
There are 39 cat cafes in Japan and the first ever one opened in Taiwan in l998. So it is a growing trend. If you are passing through Vienna do drop in and see us.
Yours cheerfully,
Sonja, Thomas, Moritz, Luca and Momo
PS. The phone is of a Japanese cafe not the Vienna one.

Dear Sonja, Thomas, Moritz, Luca and Momo,
Cafe hosting is a splendid new business of cats. Here in the UK we have the occasional pub cat (see photo below) but the spoil sport bureaucrats (crats not cats) don't let cats into areas where food is sold. It's very unfair. Most working cats are employed in stables, or barns or outhouses as rodent operatives - and a very good job they do too.
Mabel the retail cat is perhaps the nearest we have to a working cafe cat. She has been particularly busy lately.
Ron my human newshound reports: "She decorated Clark's window on a sunny Wednesday morning, carefully using a sandal for a pillow. She got herself locked in Milletts overnight on Thursday (but didn't leave a mess of any sort). Friday morning she was refusing cheese at the stall but yowled until Ken cut her a slice of ham. On Saturday she was curled-up asleep in a basket of special offers on the counter of Trading Post record shop. Sunday she spend mostly in Works (remaindered books, cheap games etc) and yesterday after breakfast at Clark's she visited Superdrug."
I am dead envious of all of you. I live a quiet life in the country catching country mice but sometimes I yearn for the big city and a chance to get hold of town mice (and rats).
One thing I am pleased by. There are no bureaucats. We don't do bureacracy in any way.
George.

Art, artists and the life of a feline model

Dear George,

It’s me CAT Victoria and I’ll be very short as I’m very angry! A while back my human mommy took painting as a snobby hobby and everybody was happy for her. Lately she became completely selfish, self-centered and insensitive. The other day she asked me to sit still on a chair! How could I be still when the sun is out and the birds are singing in the trees? I just gave her “that look” and left the chair. Later I heard her saying that she’ll bring Cricket. I thought, yes! great….I’ll have something crunchy for dinner!

To my astonishment she came home with a cat! I mean another cat. IN MY HOUSE?

I heard her saying: “Cricket please sit on that chair! Beautiful! good girl” And that damn cat sit still and my monster mommy painted her (art attached) while I was watching them from …behind a sofa! She’ll send some paintings to an art exhibition soon and she’s beaming! And I’m so infuriated! How could she paint another cat for the expo? That’s not fair! I’m so shocked that I can’t even think straight. George, what should I do?

I feel hurt and mad! And she’ll expect me to be nice to her on Mother’s Day?

Forget about it! Maybe I re-home myself to a better mommy!

By the way, Happy Mother’s Day to all good mothers!

CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

No wonder you are hurt. Talk about adding insult to injury. Not just painting another cat but bringing that cat into your home. Don't feel obliged to be nice to her. We cats have no obligation. We are not dogs. We are quite happy to bite the hand that feeds us. We don't crawl to our humans. We make them crawl to us - metaphorically, of course.

Mother's Day? I have a wicked suggestion. Give her the sort of Mother's Day present that humans hate. Revenge is a dead mouse, a half alive rat, part of a cockroach, or a fat blue bottle. Place this offering where it will upset her most -- on the pillow as she wakes up on Mother's Day. Enjoy her reactions.

I have never been painted but my predecessors, Fat Ada and Little Mog, were painted by Celia's mother, the late Joyce Haddon - here are the pictures. Little Mog is the one on the left. Fat Ada is the black and white beauty.

Love George