George's Christmas message and the 12 days of Catmas.

I was going to give a Christmas message about the importance of kindness to the lower animals, humans, (excluding mice, of course). Dumb creatures that they are, humans need our help at Christmas - dressing the tree, pulling down the tree, eating up spare bits of turkey, generally cleaning plates and vaccuuming edible bits off the floor
But instead I thought I would pass on this feline carol. My human insisted on the ridiculous photo of me in a silly hat.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CATMAS

On the first day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

A tear in your precious settee!

On the second day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the third day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the Fourth day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the Fifth day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Five furry things

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the Sixth day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Six strays a spraying

Five furry things

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the seventh day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Seven trays a brimming

Six strays a spraying

Five furry things

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the eighth day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Eight fishheads reeking

Seven trays a brimming

Six strays a spraying

Five furry things

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the ninth day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Nine fleas a leaping

Eight fishheads reeking

Seven trays a brimming

Six strays a spraying

Five furry things

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the tenth day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Ten toms a wailing

Nine fleas a leaping

Eight fishheads reeking

Seven trays a brimming

Six strays a spraying

Five furry things

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the eleventh day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Eleven kittens mewing

Ten toms a wailing

Nine fleas a leaping

Eight fishheads reeking

Seven trays a brimming

Six strays a spraying

Five furry things

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

On the Twelfth day of Catmas

There came a gift from me

Twelve vet bills coming

Eleven kittens mewing

Ten toms a wailing

Nine fleas a leaping

Eight fishheads reeking

Seven trays a brimming

Six strays a spraying

Five furry things

Four feathered birds

Three fur balls

Two headless mice

And a tear in your precious settee!

Christmas is coming..... food, trees, and catnip

Dear George,

Christmas is coming and I don't know if it's a good thing or not given the high level of anxiety experienced by my family. I don't even know if it's anxiety or excitement. Lately they went nuts - they cook, they bake, they decorate the house, they stay up late and all these are disturbing my sleep. I don't exactly know who Christmas is and how it looks like or how Christmas will get to our house but I don't want anybody invading my territory! All I hear all day long is "let's share....it's Christmas" or "be nice.....it's Christmas" or "in the spirit of Christmas" over and over again! I remember last year about same time we got the house full of my humans' family and friends and I had to hide for a full week. I don't want this to happen again so I got up high on the roof watching my territory (picture attached). But....should I really chase Christmas away if I see it coming to my house? To tell you the truth George.....I like how the house is decorated, I like the smell of food and cookies, I like the festive atmosphere....so what should I do?

I like that everybody is jolly and they wish each other Merry Christmas!

Maybe if you'll explain to me what Christmas is all about and how I can best enjoy it....I will stay up high and...welcome Christmas in my territory!

A very meowy Christmas to all....

Zoe

Dear Zoe,  
It is not easy to explain Christmas. Humans are so inconsistent. On the one hand it is boring for cats - lots of strange humans coming round, too much liquid catnip consumed, humans quarrelling or laughing inanely... And, boy can they eat - turkey, goose, ham, bacon, sausages, pudding, brandy butter, custard, cream, bits on sticks, bits on binis, smoked salmon, unsmoked salmon, prawns, pasta, .... enough to make a sensible cat sick.
Feast well but a note of warning. Yes, there is a lot of food on offer. You can sneak into the room where they are going to eat and if you are quiet just fill up on whatever is there.You can steal stuff off the kitchen counter. You can gobble up fallen bits of food on the kitchen floor. You can pull down the trash can and eat what is inside it. You can even go out in the garden and eat some of the food they put down for the birds. 
Avoid the liquid catnip. There are cats who have overindulged and fallen off the mantlepiece breaking a leg or two. Avoid the Christmas pieces of string or tinsel - they can get wrapped round your innards. Avoid grapes, onions, avocado, raisins and chocolate - all poisonous. There's no need to make a fool of yourself. Humans will do that for you.
Christmas trees are fair game. Liven up the party by climbing up them. Or by pulling them down. Take a look at some creative felines adding to the Christmas fun here. 
Have a happy Christmas.
George

My human has gone stark staring mad.... she thinks she is training me.

Dear George,
What do you do about a human pet that has gone mad. Stark staring bonkers. She has started a regime of feeding me on a mat.
OK, you might think there is nothing wrong with this. But there is. It is the way she is doing it.
At first she more or less fed me when I was sort of half on the mat. Then she stopped doing this which upset me terribly. I didn't know why the rules had changed. Now I think I have got it. I have to have all four paws on the mat before the food will be delivered to me.
But she keeps changing things. She moves so that she and the mat are in different positions. So I feel anxious and worried. Will 4 paws do the trick in each new position? Each time I have to experiment to find out. She looks pretty fed up as I gingerly put one paw, then two, then walk away several times before putting all four on.
She is also videoing me and I feel like Len, who earlier complained, that I have no privacy. What I can't work out is why she is doing this. And I get confused because she is rather inconsistent and sometimes gives me some food when I am not doing it.
What on earth is going on?
Toby, the Cross-Eyed Stray.

Dear Toby,
Your human has fallen victim to the illusion that cats can be trained. It's a sad insight into their delusional thought processes.
I suggest that you turn the whole project round. Train her. Four paws on the mat, look up appealingly, food is produced, another appealing look and with luck more food will arrive. This looks like co-operation but in fact is cat training a human to dispense food. What does she get out of it? Nothing except a lousy video. What do you get out of it? Food. It's a no brainer.
Yours George
PS. This YouTube intrusion into our privacy get worse every day.  It's cat porn for cat addicts.

Movember - the annual festival of whisker envy.

Dear George,

Here we are -  worried about our male human's behaviour and deeply contemplating (as you can see in the picture) the idea of getting him some professional help.

Therefore you were commissioned by us to help us understand his behaviour and eventually help him get back to his senses. We have to alert you thou that he does this ONLY in November. He did it last year and he did it again this year. Although he is not delusional we think he firmly believes he is in some sort of competition with us.  

What make us think so? Well, the fact that he's trying to grow "whiskers" each November. We truly believe he is jealous of our beautiful, long whiskers and he desperately is trying to beat us with his "whiskers" but all he grows is some ugly, bushy hair under his nose. Nothing compared to our elegant, long whiskers. He is not trying to grow hair on any other part of his body; at least we did see it. Such a pity! We tried to show him how to groom properly; we "licked and washed " his face, his head, we tried "to pull" the hair from under his nose and we could tell he did not appreciate our efforts. By the end of November he got rid of that bush under his nose. Why? What was the purpose? Could this be a "November syndrome" that our daddy is suffering of? Is there any treatment? George, what do you think?

In gratitude

Blackie &Spokie

Dear Blackie and Spokie,
This is a very sad case, isn't it! Humans have a deep unconscious whisker envy. Whatever they do, however long they try, they cannot produce cats' whiskers. Even the longest ones are floppy rather than properly stiff and they have no feeling in them at all. They are a poor excuse for a proper whisker.
But the deep whisker envy makes them keep trying and a good cause such as Movember (in favour of male human cancer) gives them an excuse. Each year thousands of male humans try to grow whiskers. They concentrate their efforts between the mouth and nose, where a proper whisker pad, of the kind we have, might be expected.
They grow a pathetic half inch or so. Then they realise that this is fundamentally thick fur, rather than proper whisker. There is no feeling and no movement in it. We can move our whiskers forwards and back and feel the struggles of a mouse we are carrying. They can do nothing of that.
So at the end of November, they give up - pretending that they meant to do this all along, denying their own whisker envy.
Be kind to him. He has suffered a grievous disappointment.
Yours pityingly,
George

 

Strange creatures invading my territory

Dear George,

I was strongly advised by my cousin, CAT Victoria,  to write to you and ask for help as neither one of us knew what to do in my dramatic situation. Here is my story: I was rescued as a kitten and after a stressful period of adaptation in my new home (mostly due to being continuously sniffed at by the dog) I finally came to terms with everything and everybody (meaning the dog). My humans are very well trained and I think it is more of my cousin's merit rather then their human intelligence. Anyway, they provide and I take - as you can see in the photo attached. However, my happiness is in danger and I have no intention to let it be short lived. I enjoy my new home, I ignore the dog on daily basis and  I kinda like my mommy, especially when she's holding me in her arms. But....I was horrified to discover this strange creature (photo on the right)

EATING my food in the backyard. George, what is this? Certainly it's not a dog nor is it a cat. Its coat hurts anybody touching it and this strange "thing" can disappear in a ball. CAT Victoria thinks it is an ET and she's trying to communicate with it. This strange creature dares to eat my food and dares to sleep in one of my little houses in the backyard. The worst part yet? My humans seem to like this "thing"; they are talking to it and gave it a name. Is there a possibility that I might have been rescued and adopted by extra-terrestrials? Do you think they plan to abduct me and take me to the outer space? At least that's what my cousin thinks. George, do you think I'm safe in this creature's proximity?

Help(less)

Kitty-Kitty

Dear Kitty-Kitty,
Human beings are ridiculous. They have you, one of the most beautiful cats in the world with your amazing wildlife coat colouring, and they are giving your food away to a small odd creature with spikes and fleas. No, Victoria is wrong. It's not an alien, though it looks like one. It won't eat you or abduct you or try to form a relationship of some unhealthy type.
I think your hedgehog looks slightly different from the ones near me (photo below). Shorter noses perhaps.

But hedgehogs are natural flea bags. Covered with them. As your silly humans will discover if they try to pick it up. Admittedly hedgehog fleas are not cat fleas but even hedgehog fleas can give us cats quite a nasty bite. So my advice to you is to keep a sensible distance away from it. Tell Victoria if she wants to communicate to do it from a distance. Perhaps she could try some kind of feline semaphore!
And what on earth is it doing in the garden as winter approaches? Here in the UK they hibernate. They find heaps of leaves or grass and burrow down into it and sleep through the bad weather. Some people buy hedgehog hibernation cabins here.
May I be frank, Kitty-Kitty. Just ignore this latest human craze. It's not worth bothering about their behaviour.  Hedgehogs are boring. Now if it was mice.....
Yours
George 
PS.  If you hate your humans, or keep having to punish them with claws and teeth, then a TV company would like to hear from you. Email them at catdocumentary@gmail.com