Emotionally blackmailed..... by humans?

Dear George, 
I need your help to determine if my human is indeed emotionally blackmailing me or not. My brother, Blackie, got this idea in his head and it’s bugging me now. You see, I’m the Master Mouser of the House! All…from mice to humans both respect and fear me (as you can see from the photos attached). My brother is more of an artist; he’s more interested in gossip, food and spying on humans. He won’t know what to do with a mouse; he’ll simply hide in a cupboard away from the strange creature.

So, my point here is that he can be a bit ….off too, but he was telling me about a conversation between my “daddy” and a friend he overheard the other day. Apparently my daddy (and I call him so as I know I’m his favourite) told his friend (talking about me) that “I better be nice to him and never complain about him as the roast, the turkey, the chicken, the steak and the fish…come from his plate”
I mean…what did he mean by that? Did I ever count or list the prey I shared with him? Did I ever remind him of the mice, the rats, the bugs, spiders or night butterflies we shared? What is this?  George, with your expertise in human behaviour I hope you’ll help me determine if my brother was right! Is my daddy emotionally blackmailing me?
And…if he is…what should I do? Cut him off mice? Rats? What?
Hurt and confused
Spokey 

Dear Spokey,
We cats do emotional blackmail. Not humans.  I doubt if the normal human is intelligent enough to do this, though I suppose I should not rule it out entirely. There is a range of intelligence among humans and while almost all fall well below our intelligence level, it is possible that the odd genius human is as bright as we are.

You must take action immediately. Punish him. If he is like most humans, then start sharing your prey with him in the middle of the night. Stash away a living or half living mouse and then jump on the bed with it at about 3am.  Or start playing games on the bed at about that time - leaping on to his middle regions (that should hurt!), poking at his toes below the duvet, or just sitting on his head.
A programme of aggressive grooming should be instituted. As he is sitting on the chair, jump on to the back of the chair and groom his head. Concentrate on the bald bits if there are any. If not fiercely pull some of the hair. Nibble his ears if within reach and see if you can pull some of the ear hairs. Most humans find this excruciatingly painful.

Withdraw affection. Remember cats can use emotional blackmail with an exquisite grace. If there are visitors to the house, rub on the legs and jump on their laps purring with pleasure. Gaze lovingly into their eyes. Then, if your human makes any move towards you, run away as if terrified. Try to create the impression that he has been cruel to you in the past.

That'll teach him to blackmail you.

Yours cheerfully

George.

PS. Blogspot seems to be on the blink. So if this layout looks odd it is due to that.

Challenging those human new year resolutions!

Dear George,

I need your help in deciding if I should support or break my human’s New Year’s resolutions. Every year I hear mummy talking to her friends and decide on one thing or another. This year, with my feet in cold water – metaphorically, of course - (as you can see in the photo) I took the time to actually reflect on my humans’ resolutions. Here are some of them:

1)    Start eating healthy.  Why? This is such a non-sense; my humans are vegetarians anyway….so how much healthier than eating grass can one get? Maybe I should break this one; put some meat in their food. George, what do you think?

2)    Lose weight. That’s a good one! Laughable as it is! I love it as it never happens and never will. I don’t have to worry about this one as mummy is breaking it herself J)) give her a month or so!

3)    Get up early! Yes to this one….only if she’ll take turns with my daddy to serve me breakfast at 4 am or whenever I feel like.

4)    Exercise more! Yes to this one….only if it means holding the door for me each time I want to go out or come back in. If it’s to go to the gym and run like a rat on a wheel definitely “NO” as I’ll be left indoors for hours.

5)    Be nicer; say “hello” to at least one stranger every day! What? Is she nuts? That will get her in trouble. I have to break this one but I don’t know how. Hmm!

George I need your advice here.

6)    Get better organized! Definitely “NO” as this means the whole house will be upside down and things will be moved around. Plus our routine will be changed for months and I don’t like changes.

George….what should I do?

Why can’t humans have resolutions like “sleep longer hours”, “eat more treats,” “play with the mouse Fluffy brought in”, “enjoy more catnip”, etc.

Is there any hope George? Please share your wisdom with me

 Cheers & hugs

 Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
Here we go again. Ridiculous trivial human resolutions which have nothing to do with what really matters - proper cat care and proper human service. Because I am grumpy after the long period of 'festivity" (I'd call it neglect), this kind of thing makes me tired and cynical about the inferior species.
Healthy eating? Vegetarian? Don't make me mew with cynicism. There's no point you trying to break this resolution by bringing a mouse or two. Humans never ever eat them. They spurn our helpful offerings.
Lose weight? Well padded knees make for a softer lap. Who wants a bony human? Not me.
Get up early - now there's something there, as you so wisely point out. I'd like two breakfasts. One at 3am and one at 7am.
Exercise more - yes, if it means more cat games, fishing rod toys, chasing round the house. As you say, rat-on-the-wheel gymnasiums have nothing to offer us - the humans simply leave the house.
Be nicer. Yes but to us not strangers. Ignore strangers. We don't like them.
Get better organised. Omigoodness... all that cleaning and furniture moving absolutely ruins the scent profile that I have been building up in the house by rubbing against doors, walls, furnitures etc.
Is there any hope? Well, luckily there is. Human beings usually fulfill their resolutions for a period of time which is about two weeks. Then life settles back nicely into normal. Don't worry, Fluffy, all this activity will soon be over.
Happy New Year without Resolutions
George.
PS. Get your human to put you on www.catsinsinks.com

Thank goodness.. an end fo festive nonsense

Dear George, 
So what is all this festive nonsense about ? Don't get me wrong , I love the fact there are sparkly shiny things to play with . The humans however are more mental than normal . They consume vast quantities of Turkey and Brussels sprouts . They have the nerve to blame me for the resulting flatulence . 
They fall asleep on my sofa in silly paper hats .  No Cat nap for me with all this loud snoring going on My favourite rug is covered with wrapping paper . How very dare these humans rip and tear it  to shreds when I wasn't allowed to ? Thank goodness it's only once a year .
Yours 
Penny

Dear Penny,
Couldn't agree more. My human has been far more mental than normal. She has eaten like a pig and, as you say, Brussel sprouts are not conducive to a pleasant home smelling mainly of cat.
Personally I like a nice daily routine. Wake human at 7am or perhaps 6.30am if I want an early breakfast. I usually walk up and down her body but if she is sleeping too soundly, I will purr in her ear or just push things off the bedside cabinet. Breakfast at 7.10 when she has gone downstairs in her dressing gown and opened the envelope of cat food.Toilet time outside followed by a stroll round the garden in good weather, then a little nap usually on the bed but maybe on the windowsill if it is sunny there. Lunch - a few cat biscuits. Another nap, occasionally accompanied by my human. Tea - a few more cat biscuits. Another nap followed by an evening stroll. Supper - proper serving of cat biscuits. Then I sleep in front of the fire, following her up to bed at night (one or two more cat biscuits). I like to sleep on the warm side or in very bad weather cuddled up close to my human hot water bottle.
That's it. No alcohol in the house. No silly hats. No visiting humans. No going out in the evening (I mean her not me).  Just a nice daily routine with an attending human.
Happy New Year.
George

Online Cat, George's Christmas message - snow, turkey and a new home for Blossom.

Dear Readers,
It's Christmas again. That time of year when humans are particularly irrresponsible and try to dress us up in Santa hats, tied tinsel round our necks or think it is funny to offer us champagne. Do not, I repeat, do not co-operate with any of this. It's downright dangerous to eat Santa hats, tinsel or drink alcohol. I know of a Siamese (not Miss Ruby Foo next door) who drank some champagne from a mantlepiece glass, got dizzy and fell off the mantelpiece and broke her leg.

Tilly

My advice to you is to find a warm corner in the spare room and avoid most of the festivities. There is one exception. Turkey. Good cooks start cooking this early in the day and there may be interesting bits of skin or gristle thrown away at the start. Pull down the trash can and have a look inside.
Just before lunchtime, this huge bird is usually taken out of the oven and put on a kitchen surface while your human makes gravy, checks on the roast potatoes and puts on the sprouts. While a raw sprout makes quite a good toy for the kitchen floor, the cooked ones are of no interest.

Toby

Focus on that turkey. This is the one moment in an otherwise unpleasantly human-filled day, when they may be so distracted they do not notice your presence on the table or kitchen counter. If this is so, get stuck in. There's something called the Pope's nose on the back of the bird which you might be able to tear off and run off with.
The second chance of turkey occurs later when they have finished eating that course, and the dirty plates are set aside. Then greedy humans eat a Christmas pudding, and it is while they are busy with this, that you may be able to help clean the plates.

Blossom needs a home

Snow? Well there's talk of it this Christmas so I am illustrating this blog with some snow filled photos. Personally I like a little stroll in the snow after the Christmas dinner, but only a short excursion. It's too cold to be left outside too long.
I want to thank Fluffy for her contributions this year, and also to mention Blossom, a kitten currently taking up space in my house. She was born on the street, just like a famous human who was born in a manger. She was picked up starving and is still nervous of strange humans. She wants to adopt a kind patient human who can give her a quiet home in 2014. That's her on the right .
Happy Christmas all you cats out there
George.

Are humans entitled to more privacy?

Dear George,

Here is the question of the week; are humans really entitled to more privacy than us?

The reason I’m asking you this is because you are an expert in human behaviour and lately I had some rundowns with my human female, of course!

I think she is a pathetic hypocrite; first of all, if she’s using the bathroom she’s closing the door. Why? When I’m using the bathroom she gets in and checks the litter box “to see what I did”. How sick is this? Do I look in her water bowl? She doesn’t even have a proper litter box – they use something that flashes! Phew! If she’s taking a shower, again, she pulls a curtain all the way so I can’t see what she’s doing in the bathtub. I’m sure she’s embarrassed that she is incapable of grooming herself the proper way like we, the cats do. Guess….she doesn’t have enough saliva so she does have to use that thing that spits out water and they call it a shower. Why does she need a curtain? Does she have something to hide? I, for sure, have nothing to hide as you can see in the photo. I can groom and clean myself anywhere in the house even if I’m not pleased at all when they are taking photos of me grooming or start giggling looking at me. I usually ignore them but, today I got really pissed when she yelled “hey, can I have some privacy in this house”? Then, again….WHY? I don’t have these problems with my daddy! Are human females prude or just plain hypocrites? Are they really entitled to more privacy?

Truly distressed

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy, 

Human behaviour is sometimes extremely odd. Many humans seem to have an obsession about being private during perfectly normal activities, such as eliminating and washing.  It's impossible to know why for sure. Maybe they are ashamed of their bodies because they don't have proper fur? Though hairless Sphinx cats don't behave in this way. I'm glad that your male human doesn't have this hang up - though it's slightly odd to me that males usually spray in the same place, the ceramic bowl. 
Entitled to more privacy? I think not. Humans don't really have rights, like cats do. They are not entitled to anything. But we can look at it another way.  We have duties of care towards them. If your human female doesn't want to let you into the bathroom (due to shame or prudery or perhaps fur envy), it would be kinder of you just to stay away. She can't help it: it's just one of the many human failings.
Yes, I do think they have to use water because they don't have enough saliva. And that pathetic thing they call a tongue. Can't do anything much with that except for a small lick. It's smooth not rough and it doesn't have proper muscle. They can't help that either.
So there you are, Fluffy. We have to accept them as they are, poor things. And remember to be kind to them.

Keep calm and carry on,
George.