What do I look for in a human to adopt? Should I get a pedigree?

Dear George,
I am between homes at the moment. I have a home where they feed me but they have added a dog and I am not happy about that. I have been patrolling the streets looking for better accomodation. Obviously, I have to make sure there are no resident dogs and, in my case, I don't want another resident cat either. I am a singleton by nature. Those two requirements I can manage. But how should I choose the human? Do I just go for the first one that feeds me? Should I think of adopting a pedigree?
Love Whiskerette.

Dear Whiskerette,
When choosing a human, go for function not form. Humans come in all shapes and sizes but it is a mistake to choose them for looks. What you need is a human that functions well - one that is generous with the cat food, has time for you when you want it, and in the UK good central heating is an absolute must. I suggest you make a home check visit before adopting one.
I don't recommend a pedigree. In theory cats and pedigree humans have hunting in common. Posh humans often have the view that "It's a nice day, let's go out and slaughter some wildlife." Not unlike us. But unfortunately some of them shoot cats or employ gamekeepers who do. Also you've got to think of the inherited disorders among pedigree humans, due to inbreeding (see Debretts studbook). Some people believe that the shooting stick was invented because so many toffs have hip dysplasia.
I think you will be better off with a humbler mongrel (or moggy) human. They have kinder hearts. May I put in a word for elderly humans. They look rather manky but they have the advantage of not going out to work any more. They will be at home, when you want them. They will keep their heating on (at least in one room) all day during bad weather. They sleep a lot - which means you have a living bed warmer more often available.
Most of them have a routine not unlike ours - eat, nap, eat, nap on sofa or bed, eat, nap in front of TV, eat, nap with more TV, and then a long nightime nap. Most of them don't over indulge in human-catnip, ie alcohol, so they don't get rowdy, silly and noisy. Many of them no longer have children or partners at home, so they can concentrate on indulging and enjoying your company.
True, some oldies don't have much money but, in my experience, many of them will buy good quality cat food and if necessary go without treats for themselves. Of course they may not be able to afford vets fees but that is an advantage. We hate vets.
Just be careful about winding round their legs - you don't want them to fall over.
Love George.

To Jon with love from us cats.....

Dear George,

Few days ago we came across a beautiful photo album that was given as a Christmas gift to our friends, Rafael & Yeminai. The album contains photos with cats; lots of cats, past and present! All were rescued! We’ve seen how they looked before and after.

All this wonderful work was done by one single person, Jon. He looks like a big, quiet “teddy bear” who shares his heart, his house and his food with all cats.

He doesn’t expect anybody’s help but it is grateful if someone does, like Rafael & his wife. On the inside cover there is a beautiful “mission” statement which we will like to share with you! It is called “I am an animal rescuer”

“My job is to assist God’s creatures; I was born with a need to fulfill their needs. I take in new “family members” without plan, or selection. I have bought cat food with my last dime. I have patted a mangey head with bare hands; I have hugged someone “vicious” and afraid. I have fallen in love a thousand times, and I have cried into the fur of a lifeless body. I have “animal friends” and friends who have animal friends.

I don’t use the word “pet”. I notice those lost on the side of the road and my heart aches.

I will hand raise a field mouse and make friends with a vulture.

I know of no creature unworthy of my time. We are a quiet, but determined army that is making a difference every day. There is nothing more necessary then warming an orphan, nothing more rewarding than saving a life, no higher recognition is needed than watching them thrive. There is no greater joy then seeing a baby furry play who, only days ago, was too weak to eat. I am an Animal Rescuer….. My work is never done, my home is never quiet, my wallet is always empty, but my heart is always full” – by a fellow cat rescue worker, name unknown.

George, on behalf of all our rescued fellows we want to show our gratitude and say:

THANK YOU JON with love from cats.

Fluffy & Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,

I owe my life to cat rescuers like Jon. I was from a litter of kittens rescued and taken to West Oxfordshire Cats Protection. Without their help I would probably have died. Mother cats, from homes where the humans don't bother to spay them, often leave home to find a quiet place to give birth. Most young kittens born in the wild do and even if they don't, their mother will often die exhausted by the effort of feeding and finding food for her little ones. I don't even know what happened to my mother. I was bottle fed by Lou and then I adopted Celia.

Since then I have trained her to help by taking photographs of cats that are ready to adopt a human. If you click on the website you will see some of them. Of course, humans being dumb self-centered creatures, she has written them up as if they are the adoptees, rather than the adopters. But one has to make allowances for human stupidity.

Humans who rescue cats often get criticised by their peer group. They are told they should only help other humans not cats. I say that helping cats is the highest occupation that a mere human can aspire to. What else would they do? How else can they show the natural deference and appreciation of a lower form of life for the highest feline form of life? It's natural for them to want to help, feed, groom, and generally adore.

Besides since we have domesticated them, they are so much happier. Jon sounds like a really lovely pet. You humans out there would do well to imitate him or at least help people like him by letting yourself be adopted by a shelter cat.

Love George

PS Here is the petition to sign in favour of prosecuting the tourism company that slaughtered 100 sled dogs - http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/prosecute-for-the-senseless-slaughter-of-100-sled-dogs/

What can I do? I don't like being a home alone cat

Dear George,
I think I need your help again. I'm worried (as you can see from my photo) that my human may be trying to leave me. She's doing this "phased return to work" thing and she's nearly at the point where she leaves me alone all day!
Back in the summer (I think the humans call it August) my female human disappeared for a full week and came back stinking of the human vets. She was very weak and couldn't do all her normal human duties, like feeding me and keeping my tray clean and she slept a lot. The male human took some time off work to look after her, but only a few days then the task was left to me.
I settled into the new responsibility incredibly well, even if i do say so myself. I would sit and watch her as much as I could. She spent a lot of time watching TV, on the computer or doing sitting down hobbies so I would try to get her involved in fun running and chasing games to keep her exercised. She seemed to enjoy this but would tire easily, so I'd give her a quick check over (you know, when you stand on them and sniff their whole face, paying lots of attention to the mouth and eyes) to make sure she was OK then we'd have a sleep together. I even checked out all the human vets that came to visit her, making sure none of them had thermometers in their bags and watching them closely, I wasn't going to have them check MY human's temperature! Gradually my care worked and she started to get better.
Then one day she started to get all excited about going back to work, just a few hours a week to start with (and as it was really cold and snowy out she made me a heat pad before she left!) but now it's every day and shows signs that she'll be gone for longer!
George, how can I show her that although I enjoy the new toys and treats she's bringing me, I do not want her going just when she's well enough to pay proper attention to me? It's just not good enough! OK so she always make sure I have tasty treats hidden around the house to keep me entertained as I try to get at them, and on cold days she'll put that heat pad in the big bed for me, but it's just not the same as being able to ignore her in person!
She and the male one make sure the spend at least an hour every day doing fun chase and pounce games with me, but I want one of them here during the day! What can I do to keep myself entertained (remember, I'm an indoor cat), and then REALLY let them know it's just not good enough when they get home?
Always your fan,
Mog.

Dear Mog,
What a typical sneaky human trick - to desert you after you have put so much time and care into helping her recover. Humans are moral morons. No wonder they are lower down the evolutionary tree than us cats. It would be easy if you had a cat flap. You would just wander down the street and find a stay-at-home senior human with good central heating and spend your days with him. These lonely humans are pathetically grateful for any attention and may even provide a superior brand of cat food.
Humans belong in the kitchen and the bedroom, serving us and not gallivanting about outside the home. You need a proper purrsuasion campaign to show them how bored and lonely you are. The first part of your campaign is to greet your humans with apparently pathetic enthusiasm. Yes, I know you are angry with them but dissemble. Be as sneaky as they are. Wind yourself around their legs, on the laps, climb on to their shoulders and flop all over them all the time. Do this while they are on the lavatory, while they are preparing food, while they are doing anything at all. Stick to them like a burr and interfurr with everything they do. If you can manage a sad little kitten mew, that will help too. Remember, this is a challenge to your acting ability.
If that doesn't work, start an "ignore and claw" programme. Ignore the scratching post, and claw the sofa and chairs. Tear up any paper found in the house and distribute it throughout the rooms. Move all small objects off shelves and surfaces. Hunt down and eat any food in the kitchen. If you have the strength to do it, push the cover off the butter container and lick. You want them to get the message that you need supervision.
The next part of the campaign is quite good fun. Hunt them like mice when they have gone to sleep. Jump on their feet, their groins and even their faces. Chew and pull their hair. Nibble their toes. Run up and down their prostrate bodies. Roar round the flat making as much noise as possible at about 3 am. The three fold message is - I miss you very badly indeed, I am bored during the day, I want to play more games with you. Night time is the only time I have with you.
If this doesn't purrsuade them, the potentially-suicide option is to spray. But I have known cats rehomed because of this, so it is a weapon that cannot be used lightly.
Best of luck,
George
PS. Fluffy and Cayenne have contributed this picture with the comment: "Just sit on her coat so she can't leave."
PS.My secretary has posted stuff about how to keep indoor cats busy on her website. It's cheeky of her but some of the suggestions might give you a better lifestyle. Also read some ingenious suggestions in the comments from Whicky Whudler.

Are outdoor cats being outlawed by these human laws?

Dear George,
I’m deeply disturbed by an article published in a local newspaper over the weekend. The article was about a City by-law that’s going into effect soon and I’m afraid it will affect cats’ freedom and well being. According to this new by-law all cats’ owners (how ignorant of law makers to think we have “owners”) will be fined $100 plus some additional fees if a cat is found roaming around or it is brought to a shelter.
What I’m afraid of ….is that this by-law will give too much room for interpretation and abuse. For example….some neighbor who doesn’t like the cat living next door can easily call the animal control people who will take the cat away from its own backyard and fine the “owner”. Many cats will end up in shelters and many people won’t be willing to pay the fine to get them back. It’s a rather sad situation.
Even if it’s true that indoor cats live a safer life, some of us are simply “indoor-outdoor” beings. We like to go out to check our territory and then come back inside to eat or sleep. Now, some will end up on a leash (like a dog with restricted mobility) tied up in the backyard or, in the best scenario, their humans will get a cat enclosure for the backyard.
Are we going to live in a cramped box (see my picture) from now on?
Don’t get me wrong; this by-law will be good and protecting the cats if we would deal with an educated public, but how to educate humans in such a short time?
George, what are your thoughts on this? Any ideas from your or other cats?
In distress
Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,
Humans are always trying to control us, aren't they? I am horrified by this law - details of which can be found here. Humans who let their cats go outside will be fined $105. This means if a cat ends up in the local cat shelter in Oakville, near Ontario, Canada, its human will be fined if it retrieves it. Humans are not known for responsible behaviour. It will be cheaper for it to get another cat. So the law will penalise the responsible humans and do nothing to stop the irresponsible ones. If anybody knows of a petition against this Canadian bye-law let me know and I will sign it immediately. So will many of the cats I know.
Here in the UK, we cats are treated as wild animals. It is acknowledged that humans cannot control us so there are no leash laws, no requirement for registration, vaccination or microchipping. We cats are free to roam, if our humans give us a cat flap. There are laws, thank goodness to make sure our humans do not mistreat us.
There are disadvantages, however, in the law's recognition that we cats cannot be controlled. If there is a road accident, the car driving human does not have to report it. They do have to report an accident involving a dog. So our grieving human pets cannot ask the police if a cat accident has been reported. And, of course, with no requirement for microchipping or registration, people can keep cats at will without any identification. I mean obviously we can identify ourselves but these poor dumb creatures need help from a microchip.
I cannot approve of a law that forces us to be kept always indoors. I like the outdoor law - the stealthy hunt after mice, the territory to be patrolled and marked, neighbouring cats to be chased or greeted, as I choose. Yes, I know there are dangers but for me life without risk is not worth living. Long live the cat flap.
Love George
PS: Terri has been kind enough to do this nice portrait of me, surrounded by kittens (not mine due to human interference with my love life! Wish they would give themselves the snip). I think her tribute to me deserves a wider audience.
PPS. Nice box. Must get my humans to purrchase one.

Are our humans creating a toxic environment for cats?

Dear George,

Guess… we need help with the definition of a “toxic environment”. May be we don’t have a proper understanding of the term since our place is squeaky clean and all products used in the house are “natural”, “eco”, “bio”, “ pet friendly”

Just pronouncing these words you feel the energy flowing! Got the rhythm?

We can dance with the mop! Our litter is “natural” Swheat scoop” (it smells really nice when you pee), clumps and it’s not “clogging” the upper respiratory track (whatever this is). Our food, of course, is natural and organic and as fresh as it can be!

BUT, last night we heard our humans talking about the danger of second hand smoking.

Do you think…they meant......a poorly “ham smoking” system? Also, they were reading an article about the danger of anti-freezer and pets! Pets don’t freeze (unless neglected), so WHY an anti-freeze? George, we know some apes (!) worry about 2012, but do you think we should worry about a “toxic environment” (we heard the term last night)? Do you think there are “unknown” dangers out there…ready to get the cats? We worry for our feline world.

Breathless (too worried to inhale)

Fluffy & Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,

I can see from the gorgeous sight of you both relaxing that at least your environment isn't toxic. But for many cats this just isn't true. The ridiculous human habit of lighting a stick, putting it into their mouth and puffing the smoke may give cats a higher chance of developing malignant lymphoma. There's disagreement among human scientists about it and I will give the references below my signature for those that are interested. We cats know, however, that tobacco smoke is directly disgusting. We don't like it one bit - and that's a very good reason for humans not to do it in the first place.

The other danger from human interference with the environment is asbestos. This is a highly dangerous substance that these dumb creatures used to use in their buildings. Nowadays they don't. But the danger is still there in older buildings - in pipe lagging, concrete roofing, bath panels etc. Usually this building stuff is covered up with wall plastering and so forth.

But pin your ears back, Fluffy and Cayenne. Humans just won't let their territories be. We cats like our territories to stay the same (perhaps a few extra mice would be good) and we check them daily to make sure we know where everything is. Humans are always doing stuff to theirs - pulling down walls, slapping on horrible-smelling paint, adding lofts, conservatories and fancy kitchens. This in itself is deeply distressing to any sensible cat. Some of us protest by spraying.

Worse still asbestos causes malignant mesothelioma in cats. You can read more about it at www.mesothelioma.com (though this site is doggist when it describes mesothelioma in pets) and more about cancer in cats at www.fabcats.org . Mesothelioma in cats is rare but it does exist. You can find a free scientific journal article on feline mesothelioma at www.sage-hindawi.com/journals/vmi/2010/396794.html

So, if your dumb humans are about to redecorate or generally ruin your territory by doing building work on an older house, spray like mad at the first opportunity. With any luck they will put you in a cattery, a safe haven from asbestos, during the building work.

Love George.

1. Bertone, E. R., Snyder, L. A. & Moore, A. S., (2002), 'Environmental tobacco smoke and the risk of malignant lymphoma in pet cats,' American Journal of Epidemiology, 156, 268-273

2. Dension, K. W. E., (2002), 'Environmental tobacco smoke and the risk of malignant lymphoma in pet cats,' American Journal of Epidemiology, 158, 1227.