Cats Behaving Badly - No, No, and No.

Dear George,

We, Cayenne and I, got the book, Cats Behaving Badly, and we LOVE it. Thank you so much! I totally understand if you’ll be upset with us for praising Celia, but the book is excellent. We know Celia stole your ideas but she is a woman of great wit and charm. The book is funny and educational, full of tips and advice.

We loved especially the hilarious real cat stories. I rolled over my back and laughed.

I’m still laughing – as you can see in the picture.

Cayenne liked the most the story about Charlie, the black and white cat with several homes. Smart Charlie! And Celia…..what a team player – she never “spilled the beans” about Charlie’s secret. Kudos to her. I liked the story with the cat that re-homed himself in another village just because he didn’t like the humans. But, I felt bad for the two Siamese cats that had to be re-homed; why people don’t think twice before bringing us home? Humans – not very smart!

George, I really think you should be proud of Celia. After all ….she’s your secretary and her success is your merit. You trained her well. Ah! Lovely picture of you and Celia on the cover.

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

I am not proud of her. I am boiling with rage. I particularly loathe the title. Cats do not behave badly. We behave in natural and appropriate ways when dealing with a low life species like humans. The very idea that we behave badly shows that the woman does not know her place. She appears to think humans can train and manipulate cats, when the opposite is true. Humans behave badly and we cats either outwit or manipulate them. There is no excuse for her sheer ignorance.

I am working hard at my own book. I intend to outwit, outpublish and generally out do her. When my book Obedience Training for Humans is on the best seller list and her pathetic volume is right down the amazon pick of the books list, that'll larn her. She has to learn the simple lesson that ALL cat owner should learn which is we own them, they don't own us. No human has ever truly "owned" a cat.

Worse still she has opened a Facebook group titled Cats Behaving Badly, so that disgusting humans can post photos of us cats doing quite sensible and natural things.

Finally the woman is still failing to secure proper internet access. I have told her I will bring in a live rat for her and she can catch it (if she can) and put it through the letter box of the local business which supplies her ISP. Rat to rats.

Love George

PS. Don't buy this book. I hate to admit it but it may slightly alter the balance of power towards human. I condemn this utterly. I can't stop the woman adding another photo - I tried biting but didn't time it right - so she just ignored it. She is utterly shameless.

Are teenagers a new subspecies of humans?

Dear George,

I am becoming extremely concerned. One of my humans seems to have morphed into a new subspecies. It was a smallish retarded kitten taking years to learn how to walk, then becoming a chubbier version of its parents. But now it has shot up in size and its behaviour has changed. The excessive vocalisation of the normal human has changed to grunts. It has dermatological problems on its face - in a word, zits. And it spends hours in its room playing disgustingly loud music. It is also challenging the adults for a top place in the dominance hierarchy. Is there anything I can do to restore harmony in the home.

Love Riley

Dear Riley,

You have two alternatives - leave home or wait. In view of the fact that it is winter in the UK, I suggest the latter. We cats are good at waiting. We do it at mouseholes in order to get out daily meals if we live in the wild. All humans are retards compared with cats, but the teenager subspecies is particularly retarded. It is as if it has forgotten what it learned as a kitten.

The subspecies also has sex on its mind all the time. Yes, disgusting as it is, all the time. We cats wait till the females come into season before getting the mating urge. Teenagers have it all the time. Some of them call it "romance". But they are completely at the mercy of their hormones. The loud music has something to do with this but feline neuroscientists have not yet discovered exactly what is going on.

Avoid the teenager's territory. The room will probably smell awful anyway - of sweat and old socks if it is a male, or of revolting artificial perfume if it is a female. Why humans choose these overwhelming pheromones is beyond me. But I suppose it is something to do with the fact that they have a very poor sense of smell, poor things. We have about seven times as many olfactory cells and twice the olfactory membrane of Homo sapiens.

Goodness knows, Riley, humans are dumb creatures. But the teenage subspecies is even dumber. Hang on in there till summer

Love George

P.S. I have to stand and mew at Celia while she puts this on via the Orange dongle.

A cry for help from Miss Penelope

Dear George,
I’m writing on behalf of my friend Miss Penelope. She is too shy and embarrassed to post her picture or write herself but, I think she has a problem and I need your advice.
Miss Penelope is a rescue from a local shelter and she was adopted with two other cats. She was ok until one of the cats started “bullying” her. I don’t know if she is scared or has a health problem but lately she stop using the litter box. She “goes” in most unusual places through the house.
What it is very unusual ….she kind of peeing standing! Her human is worried that she might have some health problem even if all tests came back normal. Did you ever hear of a cat peeing standing? Can this be a health issue? May be some lower back problems? Hips? What do you think?
Many thanks & love Cat Victoria

Dear Victoria
I think Miss Penelope is trying to tell her human that she is very very anxious. Standing up to pee is the way we cats mark our territory rather than just relieving ourselves. This is scentmarking and it's rather like a post-it note to ourselves to tell us that something worrying is round this particular corner. My friend William used to do it against a box tree (they smell like cat pee to a cat) and also at the corner of the field where the foxes would come past on their way to hunt rabbits. It reminded him to take care.
We mark our territory when we think it is under attack or when we are feeling anxious about it. So if our stupid humans punish us, we get even more anxious and mark even more. Also once we have marked, we top up the place to keep our scent there up to date. The smell reminds us. So does the smell of disinfectant put down by humans. Disinfectant smells just like cat pee to us. My secretary Celia tells me that instruction on how to clean up cat pee, and a list of reasons why cats get stressed is on her website at www.celiahaddon.com
If Miss Penelope is not getting on with the other cats, she needs help. We are not human. Humans are absurdly social - they eat together and spend time together. Most of them like being near other humans - pubs, parties, holidays, hobbies etc. But it takes between 3- 6 months for most cats to settle into a group. We cats deal with social problems by spacing, keeping a decent distance between each other.
So her human can help her by making sure there are plenty of cat beds, that food is put down at at least two locations (a tea-tray with food can be put in the bedroom), that there is at least one litter tray per cat. Don't just put the litter trays in one location - there should be at least two locations. The idea is that cats can do all the things they need to do - eat, sleep and eliminate - without having to come close to each other. Miss Penelope needs to feel safe from the bully.
If she is being severely bullied - wounds, fur everywhere etc - she may just need to live in a separate part of the house. A Petporte cat flap into a room of her own might help. Some of us are really anti-social and just are natural loners. There's more on Celia's website about that too. Or in that ridiculous book of hers.
If only we could purrsuade humans to think cat, rather than to assume that we will like the same things as us.
Love George
PS. My secretary is trying to make a Facebook group titled Cats behaving badly but so far she has made a group but nobody seems able to join it. What is she doing wrong? Answers to her on Facebook please or via the website www.celiahaddon.com

My not-so-new new cat house

Dear George,

I can not stop laughing at how silly humans can be! The other night I heard my “people” talk about buying some new furniture and getting rid of my old cat house (since ….dah! it is that old! stupid!)

I heard my daddy saying that he’s going to throw away the cat house!

What? Is he crazy? First of all…..this is not his house, it is mine! Then, I heard my “mommy” saying “don’t through it away, just leave it outside - what if they want to go inside”? I could not believe when I heard him saying “what for? They never got into this house”. Hey, buddy! You just made my day!

SOOOOOO! The minute he took the cat house outside …..I “jumped” in and start purring

and …..slept in the house all day”– as you can see in this photo.

I and Cayenne take turns at sleeping in the house outside!

Now, guess what! We have a cat house inside and a cat house outside…and I’m looking for many more to come J))

But, George….I still feel like punishing my daddy! What should I do?

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

Congratulations on a very effective way of teasing your human. We cats can do this for almost every kind of cat equipment and the more expensive it is the better. A new and costly item appears in the house - a cat basket, a cat bed, a cat house, a mouse toy, a cat gymnasium....

The classic feline tease goes like this. Stalk over to the new item and inspect it carefully. Sneer. Sneer again. Walk away with an offended and lofty air and refuse to go near it. Ignore all maladroit human attempts either to stuff you in it (scratch) or to lure you in with food (wait till they have left the house to retrieve the cat biscuits!).

Stage two is to find something old and shabby. Use that instead. Sit in the fruit basket, the laundry container, the discarded computer box, instead of the new cat house. Play with a dessicated pea which was dropped on the kitchen floor, or with old newspapers, or discarded paper clips instead of the expensive new toy.

Wait. All cats can outwait all humans. Wait for months if necessary.

Then - when you hear them discussing getting rid of the by-now-not-so-new item - whisk inside it. Play with it furiously. And watch their amazement and irritation. A simple game for a simple species (not us, but them).

You have outwitted him already, Fluffy. But what about punishing him by sitting on his head when he is trying to sleep at night? Or just wake him at 3 am by chasing an imaginary mouse (originally she mistyped this as house) over his body.

Love George

PS. Human secretary says ISP access still unreliable. I say human is unreliable.

My journey from victim of dysfunctional home to human trainer

Dear George,
I am on the brink of becoming a human trainer and I am eventually aiming to become a human behaviour counsellor like you with a B Sc in applied human behaviour. But learning about this species and putting the information into effect is a very steep learning curve for a cat who started life in a three-walled shed with an upturned dustbin full of straw as a home. The next 18 months in West Oxon Cats Protection gave me proper health care and regular meals, but I became disillusioned with the humans who came and stared at me, and my pen mate, Mini. I simply didn't want to adopt any of them. All of them preferred Mini and they would make wounding remarks about my dark fur and ugly looks as if I couldn't understand what they were saying.
Eventually I got so desperate that I settled on your secretary, Celia. I took over the two spare bedrooms and just lived under one of the beds for two months, emerging to use the litter tray in the other bedroom, and sometimes exploring the house at night. I didn't much care for Celia until by sheer chance I discovered I could train her to tickle my tummy. I have trained her to do this for half an hour at a time. But the woman wants to pick me up? How can I stop her doing this?
Yours anxiously
Miss Tilly Purr.

Dear Tilly,
A strong wriggle usually deals with the picking up obsession - an obsession shared by many humans. You have to understand - as your further education in human behaviour will help - that this species is desperate for our love. They are naked, awkward, and cat dependant. They seek the high of a cat cuddle and will go to any lengths to get it. These are human cat addicts. They can't help it. They are people who love cats too much.
If a wriggle doesn't work, try an Miaow rebuke. If that is not enough to deter her, scratch. If further measures are needed, bite. If the human holds you high up, go for the nose. It is an exquisitely sensitive organ (though hopeless for smelling) and a sharp nip there will really hurt.
Personally I am out of all patience with my secretary. She got above herself and has been writing a book about cats. That is my job. I am the writer in the relationship but I fear her envious nature has prompted her to try to ruin my literary career. Worse still, I have only completed two chapters of my book while hers is now in the book shops.
She has stolen my title. The working title was Humans Behaving Badly. Heaven knows, they do. Now I shall have to think of something else. I am considering stealing her thunder by using a picture of a naked human splayed across the floor in the same way as the kitten is on her book.
All in all I am in a very bad mood with her. I suggest you use strong measures and perhaps together we can put her in her place. Let's miaow, scratch, bite, and sneer as much as possible.
George