Surely we cats need cat addicts!

Dear George

I am only a kitten but it seems to me that you have missed the point. We cats should encourage cat addiction. Cat addicts love cats. They run their lives round cats. They buy expensive food for cats. They share their houses, their beds, the very food on the table sometimes, with cats. Isn't that a good thing?

Tic, aged nine weeks.

Dear Tic,

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings comes truth. Yes, of course, cat addiction is a good thing for most cats most of the time. Without cat addicts where would we be? I mean Celia is one. But, I guess, what I am saying is that there is a point when cat addiction, ie like animal hoarders, starts harming the cats themselves. Most humans enjoy a little, or even a lot of cat addiction. It's just when it gets out of hand.

So I thought I would do a little quiz for your humans to answer. 

ARE YOU A CAT ADDICT?

1. Do you spend more on your cats than yourself?

2. Did you choose your flat/house because it would be good for your cats?

3. Have you ever said no to an invitation because you didn't want to leave your cats?

4. Have you ever turned down the possibility of a relationship because he/she didn't like your cats or didn't like cats in general.

5. Do you think of your cats more than ten times a day?

6. In the last week have you bought any of the following - a)cat treats. b) cat bed. c) cat toy. d) specially expensive cat food as a treat

7. Do you fix your cats arrangments for holidays/vacations before you fix your own. For instance do you book the cattery or the cat sitter and only after that fix the travel arrangements?

8. Do your cats sleep on or in the bed?

9. Do your cats sit on the table while you are eating?

10. Have you ever turned off the TV because you thought your cat wouldn't like the programme or turned to a programme because you thought your cat would enjoy it.

11. Do you have cat pictures/photos/ornaments in the house?

12. Are most of the cards you receive cat themed?

ANSWERS

Fewer than three yes answers - you are not cat addicted.

Between 3-6 yes answers - you are beginning to be cat addicted.

Between 6-9 yes answers - you are definitely a cat addict.

Between 9-12 yes answers - oh dear, you are as bad as Celia !

Are some humans cat addicted?

Dear George,

I always know when They are up to something...  And now I know what it is: they want me to have a companion. They talk about it in huddles. Should they get an older chap like me (I'm 13)? A younger quieter nervous chap, as I know I was? Or should they  leave well alone? The thing is, George, do I or don't I want a companion? I don't know. Especially having lived with the imperious matriarch who ruled the roost here when I arrived - though I must say she looked out for me whenever I appeared under threat from neighbouring ASBO feline bullies. But I do get bored. I'm spoilt, admittedly. There's always treats all for me and sleep. I'd welcome your thoughts, George.

Kind Regards, Bodmin.

Dear  Bodmin,

Why let Them have all the fun and leave all the hassle for you? It looks to me as if they are being selfish.  If it's a kitten, it will spend its time trying to play games with you. When it's an adolescent it will play rougher games and may even bully you. At the age of 13 surely you are allowed a bit of piece and quiet. The idea of another cat is Theirs, not Yours. Are your humans suffering from problem cat owning?

Humans seem to get addicted to cats. First they get a cat, then they add another one, then somebody goes away and leaves one in the neighbourhood which moves in, and then they see a pathetic cat in a rescue shelter. Before you know where you are, your peaceful home has become a hostel for homeless felines. I exaggerate, of course, but it's a possibility.

But think of this. Will there be room for two cats on the bed? I mean, I find there is barely room for the humans on my bed. I aim to edge one of them out and send them to the spare room, then I can settle down with enough space and just one human. If there are two of you cats, you may have to banish both the humans from the bed altogether. I know there's plenty of room for them on the sofa downstairs. I know that they have no right at all to expect there to be space in the bedroom. But just think it through.

Better still talk to them about cat addiction. I have spoken sternly to Celia about this. I tell her that just as heavy drinking can lead to alcohol addiction, so a heavy cat intake can lead to cat addiction. Perhaps your humans are not real cat hoarders yet but addiction to animals really does exist. Get them to look at this bit  of film - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v+CxcchlDbACU. There's even a special website about it at the Hoarding of Animals Research Consortium, http://www.tufts.edu/vet/cfa/hoarding/rescue.htm 

Those of you out there who are owned by addicts, watch out. Once a cat addict, always a cat addict. They need a Power Greater Than Themselves to recover. If you can make them see sense you might be that Higher Power. Many cats have this position in the house - they rule.

If not, it will have to be that Great Ginger Tom above the stars, that Being which humans so oddly think is sort of human. The One that made everything from the glory of our whiskers to the shining of moonlight.

Humans quarrel among themselves as much as we cats do

Dear George

I think you have been taken in by human hypocrisy. They quarrel among themselves just as much as we cats do. If not more. Ask yourself how many humans want to live with their mother. I mean old age homes are overflowing with humans (not cats) because humans dump their parents there, or because the parents go there rather than be bullied in their childrens' homes. I was passing by in France when your Celia was there with her family. The tension.... you could feel the family dysfunction.

Dorothee of Castres

Dear Dorothee,

I stand corrected. I don't know why I supposed that humans are truly social or pack animals. In some ways they may be, but they certainly often don't get on very well in families. They talk about loving each other, but in actual fact most of them are very selfish. Talk... yes. Real family feeling...maybe.  Translated into family action and kindness ... often not.

And very few of them live with their parents after the age of 30 - and very few old parents are taken in by their children particularly when they get old, confused and perhaps rather difficult to live with. Why is there sheltered housing and old age homes for humans? Because they need them. They don't want to live with each other!

Humans are always so hypocritical. They expect us to live in the house together, without thinking of whether we want to. They keep a female cat, let her have kittens, and then expect her to live with one of the kittens. What if she doesn't want to? What is the kitten wants the freedom to live apart from the parent? That's what humans have. Why can't cats have that freedom too! Why do they assume they know what is best for us!

They choose our friends for us. They  go out and come home with another cat without so much as consulting us. Then they expect use to like each other. Why should we? I mean if I went out and brought back a human that appealed to me, why should Celia want to live with him or her? I know a cat called Vincent who was in love with the postwoman. But he never asked her to live with his friend, Pam. He didn't expect Pam to like her too. Humans do this to us all the time. Just add a cat. Without thinking. Without asking.

It is only because we tactfully avoid each other, and try pass by without fights that this completely random habit of humans doesn't lead to real bloodshed. Sometime I despair of the species. Clever monkeys? Not at all. Give me a sensible ape any day rather than a ridiculous human.

George

Help! I just can't live with my adolescent daughter.

Dear George,

I had kittens a year ago. I have now been spayed but having kittens was a mistake for me. It all went well. There were six of them and five of them went off to new homes. But, alas, my human kept one of the females back. There are now to of us in the house and we don't get on. I spend most of my time outside, even in the cold weather, because my adolescent daughter is larger than me and a bit of a bully. What can I do? 

Beauty

Dear Beauty,

This is the result of humans thinking we cats are like them. (Luckily for our pride and dignity we are not!). Or worse still they think we are like dogs, always looking for other dogs to play with and desperately in need of doggy pals.

Fundamentally at the heart of most of us cats is a solitary hunter. We don't share. We don't pack. Some cats can live with their relatives but many can't. Actually humans often find out that living with a teenager is hard work, so it is ridiculous for them to assume we are so family minded that they can just assume we want to live with our relatives without asking us. Would your human like to live with her grown up daughter? Or her mother?

If you were living in the wild, you (or your daughter) would just move on and live in seperate territories unless there was only one place of shelter. That would be the natural way of life but humans have never grasped that they are asking us to live in very artificial surroundings. As it is, you are stuck with her. Have a careful think about the house facilities. If she is sleeping on the bed, could you find room in the spare bedroom, for instance? 

Could you persuade your human to put down two feeding locations so that you can eat in peace without having to be near each other. Probably not.  Humans get stuck in behaviour patterns and are not willing to change. They imagine we like eating side by side. We don't. We wouldn't be eating our mice side by side. We cats eat privately if we live wild. Luckily you obviously have a cat flap so you needn't share the litter tray with her.

The other obvious way out of this problem is to start visiting the neighbours. This is particularly important in winter. If you can find a suitable human, who will provide good food and has enough heating in the house, this may be the moment to re-home yourself. Plenty of cats do this. Or you can compromise and simply spend most of the day with the neighbour just coming home at night. Timesharing your company with another human might work out well.

George

PS No advice for a bit. My secretary is going away for two weeks to visit her brother. She certainly couldn't live with him for longer than a week or two without quarrelling.

Why don't humans wash properly?

Dear George,

Have you noticed how rarely humans wash? They are really quite filthy. I wash at the following times -- after eating (and I do that several times a day); when settling down for a little nap during the day; last thing at night on the bed just after my humans are about to go to sleep (I make that a long wash),  at three am in the morning on the bed because I just feel likeit (my humans aren't too pleased), first thing in the morning about an hour before the alarm goes off; after breakfast; when I am sitting on a lap ( a bit uncomfortable for me but I think they appreciate it); and any time I think about it. When do they wash? At night and in the morning. 

Sammy

Dear Sammy,

It's not just when they wash (rarely), it's how they do it! I can never get over the fact that they don't have proper tongues. I have occasionally seen a small human kitten licking its fingers but never a full grown adult. They can't do it. They can't lick a plate clean - or, if they can, they don't choose to. It's not clear to me what their tongues are for.

Instead, they throw themselves into a large bath of foaming water. I find this extremely funny. I enjoy - as I am sure other cats do - walking round the edge of the bath while they are in it and patting the foam. The bubbles are good fun. They make a small popping noise. And I like the reflections in the water too. This is the moment when I realise that the human lack of fur is perhaps a good thing. Imagine if they had proper fur. They'd have to spend hours rubbing it down with the towel.

My human doesn't bath much nowadays. Instead she stands in a small cubicle and lets water rain down on her. Outside she avoids the rain like any sensible animal would, but indoors she actually turns it on. There's a lot of pother about the temperature, and foaming soap on her hair and her intimate bits. As if saliva wasn't good enough. It's always been good enough for me. Saliva, applied with a manipulable tongue, has antiseptic qualities as well as making a very good wash.

Sometimes I try to wash them myself. But there is just too much skin surface to do a proper job. I used to lie on their heads while they were asleep and wash their hair but they had an unfortunate habit of waking up and lashing out, so I have stopped that. I just let them stay dirty.

George