Graveyards are feline parks.

Thank the God of cats for cemeteries. For cats who live in urban areas, graveyards and cemeteries are parks - green spaces in a wilderness of brick and concrete. We can wander in these spaces without the fear of harassment from angry gardeners.

Of course, they are not entirely animal or wildlife sanctuaries, due to human obsessive neatness. They will mow the lawn down to the roots. They also persist in leaving trashy plastic flowers instead of the real thing. Poor ignorant beings.

But for cats, if not for other wildlife, there are trees and short grass and the flatter old tombstones make a nice resting place. I prefer the older tombs, myself, as there is less human disturbance in the older areas.

There is almost always a church nearby - a place where there is shelter from the rain if only in a porch. I myself have attended the occasional funeral, to the amazement and delight of the mourners.

My friend, Jake, used to haunt a church in the hope that a friendly human would adopt him. Finally, as he lay almost dying just outside the porch under the yew tree, a kindly lady picked him up and took him home.

For the graveyard - as some those humans whose tombs I use also believed -- was the start of a happier life.

 

• She's written a book ....  She'd like me to keep putting this on the blog. But I tell her she can only have smaller text!! There are limits to her purrsistence desire for publicity.
  

A purr gets more than a nip

 Do you want to get the most out of your human? Do you want food, or stroking, or an opened door? Think smart....

A purr may be more effective than a nip. A nip gets human attention immediately. Very effective in one way. But only in one way... And is is the right kind of attention?

A purr allied with rubbing against your human's legs might get attention just as well. And a different more rewarding kind of attention.

Humans are easily flattered. They respond to a show of affection even if it is not genuine. Try the following when you want something:

• Purr. Purr loudly and often. Humans fall for this one almost every time.
• Purr and croak. This is a purr that has a bit of a miaow in it which makes it more urgent. And louder. I recommend this when the human is not attending.
• Miaow. Loudly but not too often. If you miaow too much, the human may stop attending.
• Rub your body against legs. Always useful in the kitchen.
• Rub the face against your human's face. Very useful for waking them up in the night.
•  Paw poke without claws. This must be done gently and carefully. 
•  Slow blink. This only works with sensitive humans who pay attention to your body language. The stupid human won't get this or notice it. And most humans are stupid.
  

Act: do not react. Always ask yourself - what is the best way to get what I want...

 

 

 

The artist sees the soul.

 

This is a portrait of my friend Mr Spangles. A proper portrait by a proper artist who can be found on Instagram

The rather poor photo below shows that it is a good likeness, though I think Spangles looks rather more cuddly in the photo.

That cuddly look is actually deceptive. Mr Spangles does not appreciate being cuddled. He is very wary of more than one or two strokes.

Three strokes and his human is out...nipped sharply. He makes his dislike of extended  petting very clear indeed. 

So perhaps the portrait has got his touch-me-if-you-dare character more clearly than the photo. The artist sees into the soul, where the camera cannot. There's an old poem that sums him up.

".. wild for to hold, though I seem tame."

 

 

Me and food

 I like my food - regular portions delivered at the right time of day by my human. In an ideal world, each portion would be about the size of a small rodent and it would be delivered about six times a day.

That is how I would eat in the wild. I would have to hunt for each meal and many of my hunting attempts, at least half, would be unsuccessful. So to get six rodents, I should need to patrol, find the prey, and steady myself then launch a pounce at least 12 times a day.

That's  a lot of effort with space and patrolling between each hunting effort. So the timing of my meals would be one small meal, then a gap, then another.

That's not how I am fed. My owner puts down food for me usually twice a day, before she leaves the house and when she comes back. She used to leave unlimited dry food so I could snack as often as I liked, but I got too fat.

So, she puts the food down, usually an envelope. Then I eat some of it and leave about half. I often then ask for more even though there is half the food uneaten.

This irritates her. Even when I eat most of the food, I leave a little bit. 

"Why do you always leave something for Mr Manners," she asks rhetorically. 

I just smirk and meow for a new envelope.

 

Recognise cat dependance disorder

 Cat dependence is a little known human disorder that can ruin the relationship between we felines and our human pets. The emotionally needy humans need our help. Here are some of the symptoms.

• Humans insist on interrupting our sleep with unwanted petting.
• Humans interfere when we are eating - with more unwanted petting.
• Their separation anxiety (when away from us) is shown by their need to pet us unnecessarily, when they come home from a shopping trip.
• They insist on putting us on their knee, when we wish to sleep somewhere else.
• They pick us up and cuddle us when we do not wish to be cuddled.
• They do not respect our bodily boundaries - ie they touch us on the belly, or at the base of the tail, when we have made it absolutely clear that these areas are out of bounds.
•  They stare lovingly in a way that unsettles us.

Dealing with a cat-dependant human requires infinite patience, a careful programme of small nips to create proper boundaries, and the cultivation of a safe haven, where we can sleep uninterrupted. 

 

• For more on human harrassment read Being Your Cat.
  
  
  

Cat shows.... yawn!

 

Cat shows... yawn. Boring, boring, boring. 

With their usual ability to discover the obvious, human scientists have confirmed this, after hours spent timing our movements.

Most of the time we show cats just sleep. We might look at those who are staring at us some of the time. Only when it gets too busy and crowded do some of us hide in the litter tray.

Why don't we react with more stress? After all, it's well known to most humans (or should be) that staring freaks us out.* We stare to intimidate other cats and we feel stressed when they stare at us. We don't like being stared at.

The truth is that we show cats are just used to this. Most of the time we have a good life in a house with humans that adore us. But about once a month, we are put in a carrier and have to spend a day sitting in a small cage in a cat show.

Oh well, it could be worse...

*Learn about our feelings by reading  Being Your Cat. Get it here.

 

The cat-human sleeping partnership.

 

Do we help humans sleep? This question has now been investigated by scientists who declare that we don't. Having a cat on the bed is more likely to give a human jerking legs.

But, of course, it is the wrong question....

The correct way to look at the feline-human sleep partnership is to ask whether humans help us sleep. And the answer is clear - yes, they do. Here are the reasons why:

• A human body acts like a large hot water bottle, giving off useful warmth to the feline body.
• When their limbs are arranged in the correct position, they can keep drafts away from the sleeping feline.
• They are easily trained to move, while sleeping, so that we have more space, when we need to stretch out.

What can a cat do for a better night's sleep? Here are some suggestions.

• If there are two humans in the bed, sleep between them to minimize drafts or unwanted human activity. Cats are a natural contraceptive.
• The single human should be encouraged to curl round the sleeping feline body, reducing drafts that way.
• Wake up snoring humans at regular intervals. there is usually a period of time before heavy snoring reoccurs.
  

Why humans blame us cats.

Do not trust humans completely. Because they are a species that will turn on cats, when they are frightened.

Fear makes them panic. Panic makes them non-rational. We cats in the UK were lucky to avoid mass slaughter during the start of the Covid epidemic. The authorities considered killing all cats. 

Mad idea? Yes, but humans will always blame other species. This year, the Chinese authorities have killed 2000 pet hamsters, blaming them for spreading the epidemic.

Luckily for Chinese cats, it was the hamsters got the blame. But humans often blame cats. During the Great Plague of 1666 in London, the Lord Mayor ordered all cats and dogs to be killed. A total of 100,000 cats and 40,000 dogs were slaughtered, according to Daniel Defoe.

Just the wrong thing to do. Because the plague was being spread by fleas that lived on rats. Fewer cats meant more rats 

But that is the human response. Unthinking. Lacking rational thought. Always ready to blame somebody else.

I am an unacknowledged genius

 

She's done it again. I am an acknowledged author of only one book, A Cat's Guide to Humans, but I have co-authored many more cat books with my human, Celia.

I co-author because my paws get tired when I am typing all day on the keyboard. And, if I sit down on it, as I often do for a rest, the type somehow goes all wrong.

So co-authoring with a human has its obvious benefits. But the major drawback is the complete lack of acknowledgement. And she'd done it again. Left my name off the book, Being Your Cat.

The insights are mine. The ideas are mine. She couldn't have written it without me. 

Yet she thinks it's acceptable to leave out my name altogether. I am not on the cover. I am not on the dedication. I am not in the Endnotes. I am not even in the thanks-acknowedgements at the end of the book.

It is not good enough.

I am planning revenge. Shall I pee on one of the books? Or give her a sharp nip? Or just ignore her for a few days....

It it itches I grooms it.

Gracie groomed because she had fleas

If I itch, I scratch. Or I groom my hair fiercely. But I also scratch or groom when I am in pain. And sometimes I will groom myself compulsively when I feel anxious or stressed.

Why do I start having bare patches?

Well fleas are the obvious answer. And if it's not fleas, it might be other parasites. If my hair is falling out, rather than being groomed out, then it might be ringworm or the demodex mite.

People think I don't have fleas when I do - because I have groomed them away. Every single one of them. I have groomed even when they are gone, because the bite they leave  behind still itches. 

Miss Foo - a painful area

Humans don't find any fleas, so they think there are none. If they bothered to groom me over a piece of white paper, and then poured a little bit of water on to the dirt there they would see it goes sort of brown - flea poo has blood in it.

Zennor had a food allergy

 

I groom when it is painful because that is all I can do. I lick and hope I can lick it better. So I groom arthritic areas which are painful. I groom my tummy if I have cysititis. 

I also groom if I have food allergies. Most owners don't know this but I need a proper veterinary allergy diet.

And finally, I groom - over and over again - if I am really anxious. 

You'll need a good vet to rule out all these problems and diagnose the correct one. 

So take me to a dermatology vet please. 

•  Take a look at www.catexpert.co.uk for more about overgrooming.
  

A Valentine's Day for cat lovers?

I wish there was a Valentine's day for cat-human partners.

Neither she nor I got a Valentine card last week, not even an anonymous one. But we have each other.

Who wants a same-species partner, anyway? I certainly don't. I don't get on with strange cats and I would  be devastated (and very angry) if a new cat came into the household. I am a one-woman cat.

She doesn't want one either. She has had her share and now she prefers the serenity of sleeping in the double bed - without a man.

She is not alone, of course. Neither of us are alone. We suit each other (even though I find her tiresome, very tiresome, at times). She loves me and sometimes I love her back.

How?

I give her the slow blink that tells her I am feeling love. Or IO rub against her. Or, in my case, I give her the privilege of petting me while I sleep on her lap.

I am better for her than any other human. I don't answer back, I listen when she is boring on about something, I don't tell her what to do or how to dress, and I don't care that she is older than me.

What human would want another human, when they can get a cat?

Eight weeks define my life

 

The most important period of my life was the first eight weeks of my kittenhood. The Jesuits, if they had been interested in cats not humans, would have known this. They said "Give me a child till he is seven years old and I will show you the man."

So give a kitten like me to loving humans until it is eight weeks old, and then you see see the adult cat.

I was lucky. I was given human love in my first eight weeks. So I grew up relaxed and happy around humans. Those weeks defined my future.

If I had been a feral kitten, born into the wild, I would have grown up to be feral. Without any gentle human handling, I would have feared humans probably for the rest of my life. I would have been miserable in a human home. 

Feral kittens can be rehabilitated, if they are rescued early enough, but it takes effort. There are some rehab ideas here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUcNQYso5XM

Remember, you stupid humans, we need gentle handling from the second week of our lives. You can also read it here.

 

 

 

 

 

Moonlight is my light

Moonlight is my favourite light, when I am in the country. The owls come out to glide silently across the sky or perch in the trees hooting. Deer step gracefully out of the woods to eat in the fields. Small rodents come out of hiding.

And I am at home in this twilight world. I can see clearly where humans are blinded by darkness. I can hear the smallest rustle of a vole in the grass.

Humans may notice a pair of eyes reflecting the moonlight but they cannot fully recognise my outline. This is my world, not theirs.

Even in the town, this kind of light makes me happy. Street lighting has more shadows than moonlight but still creates a kind of twilight. Only the glare of passing traffic headlights ruins the night.

Inside human homes there are bright light bulbs and noise TVs. Here in the street is my world.

 

Recognise my pain

 

Signs of pain - narrowed eyes, tight face, stary ungroomed coat, ears lowered, tense body posture rather than relaxed posture. Difficult to see because of long hair. Attention inwards not outwards. Fewer movements of any kind. His head is lowish.

I'm a cat so I hide my pain. That's what we are programmed to do, to prevent larger predators seeing us as easy prey. We don't wimper or howl. We don't complain.

The only exception is when we might shriek in the middle of an violent attack or accident. 

We suffer silently, uncomplaining and stoic, during illness or pain. So our humans don't recognise that we are suffering until it is really, really bad.

Probably the most obvious sign is lack of appetite. The litter tray may reveal bowel or urine differences. Our humans should take photos for the vet.

Your human can and should do something NOW. Get the free app - https://www.felinegrimacescale.com/phone-app  

It will help them recognise our suffering. 

Builders in my territory....hiss

Don't you hate them.... strange men carrying a hold-all full of tools. Smelling of wood, plaster, metal, and sometimes of the yappy dog that is in their van.

They invade our home, bringing in their horrible scent to ruin the reassuring family scent. They are noisy -  drilling, thumping, banging, and hammering. And, if we're unlucky, they bring a radio with loud rock music.

In the evening when they have gone and we inspect our home territory, we find there is CHANGE.

I hate change. I want my safe family territory to stay the same, just as I want my daily routine to be unaltered.

Builders ruin that. So I hiss at them. I might even need to pee on their toolbox. 

Builders! You have been warned.

Stop feline cultural appropriation!

The name is George. George Online Cat. 

Only it isn't.

This name is cultural appropriation at its most disgusting.

George is NOT my name, but the name given to me by humans, who purrsist in calling us cats by names they, not we, invent. They don't seem to realise how bad mannered it is.

"George" is just a word to me. People are so stupid that when I react to the word, they think it means I "know my name."

Of  course I don't. It's not my name. My identity is bound up with my personal smell, my signature scent. It doesn't need a "blah blah" human utterance.

I react to the name because it predicts stuff like food, strokes, or (occasionally) punishment. 

Yet humans are too thick to react to my real scent identity which I spread on them when I rub against them. They only "recognise" my identity scent when I pee or spray - and then they react very badly indeed. They don't understand that this is my signature identity.

Stop and think, human. You are guilty of feline cultural appropriation when you think you have named me!

Upstaging your human on Zoom

Zoom is a photo opportunity for us cats. We don't have to rely on our humans to video us and put us on the net. We just pop into view in our own time.

Top of the screen appearances are the best way to upstage your human (see above). Just cover his face with your own, making it impossible for other humans to see him properly.  

Less useful but easier to arrange is the simple stroll across the screen, ending in the always amusing butt photo. The display of a gorgeously furry backside always gets human attention.

Or simply closely stare at the camera taking up the foreground leaving your human in the background.

The most widely enjoyed Zoom cat appearances was, alas, not the result of a real cat but merely a Zoom filter. An amazing court case occurred in the USA in front of judge Roy Ferguson, where somehow one of the lawyers' profile was taken over by a feline face mocking his utterances. Despite the warning on the Zoom screen, this went viral and even has its own wikipedia entry - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoom_Cat_Lawyer

 So, fellow feline artists, start refining your Zoom technique.

 

 

 

Say no to kitten porn

 

Innocent kittens are being lured into soft porn calendars where they are posed with half naked men... 

Unbelievable?

No, this is the latest trend in Australia, where the fire fighters calendar has decided that male muscles need the help of cats to be popular.

Worse still... not content with using adult cats for this adult human calendar, they have added kittens

Innocent little kittens.

Kittens that are not old enough to give a good claw swipe in order to say No to Porn.

Where will this trend end? How vile can humans get? Don't let your local firefighters get involved.

Say no to kitten porn.

A feline Christmas in the White House

Christmas isn't always a good time for cats. But this year, there is some good news. 

There's a cat in The White House. You can see her enjoying the decorations here on YouTube.

So, fellow felines, with that in mind, be careful this Christmas. Do NOT eat tinsel. It will get tangled up in your gut.

Do NOT eat Christmas pudding or cake. The dried fruit can poison you.

Do NOT drink alcohol. If you are drunk and crazy you may fall off the mantelpiece or injure yourself. 

Go EASY on the turkey. A taste is fine but the cooked bones may cause internal injuries.

If the house is busy with too many humans or worse visiting dogs, fine a safe place to chill out - a spare bedroom, top of a wardrobe or some other hidey hole.

It will soon be over.

Snow - seven rules for sensible cats.

•  Rule no 1.  You cannot have too much heat.
  
• Rule no 2.  Find a human with central heating. If your human doesn't have it, then a wood burning stove, a a gas fire, or an Aga is the next best heating device.  
• Rule no 3 (see Rule 1).  Best of all is central heating, an Aga, AND a wood burning stove. 
• Rule 4.  Snow is magical - but only when seen from the windowsill with a radiator  below.
• Rule 5.   If you don't  have a litter tray, now is the time to educate your human by going behind the sofa.
• Rule 6.  Do not go out.
• Rule 7.  A snowy day is a good day for a very long nap.
  

Why we nip the vet

 

Vets do horrible things to us. No wonder we nip them. We are trying to tell them to STOP.

Humans take us once a year, sometimes more often, to see these veterinary humans. They stab us with needles. They hold our head back in order to shave the neck.

Sometimes they even stick something up our backsides. It hurts and, worse still, it is humiliating and undignified.

There are cats that put up with this but, I am happy to say, many do not. They put a stop to it.

How?

With a nip to veterinary hands. 

Keep nipping, all you cats out there. Vets deserve it!

Alas, poor little cat....

 

For three years, this little black cat turned up at a housing block to be fed by one of the humans living there. Another human from the same street walked up daily to feed him at 6pm.

He did well. He was seen mousing. His hair was glossy. He would sleep under a shrub in the sunlight in good weather.

The humans thought perhaps he belonged to somebody. We cats sometimes just go AWOL. After all, he had a collar. They didn't want to steal somebody else's cat.

Then this year his hair began to get matted. The humans started to feel anxious for him. A dry place was found for him at night, and he no longer seemed to roam away so much.

As the weather grew colder, they decided they had to do something, even if he did have an owner. He was picked up, taken to a woman who put him in her spare bedroom and took him to the vet the next morning. His matted hair was cut off; he was microchipped.

Underneath his hair, it was clear that he was very thin. Painfully thin.  Desperately thin. Despite being offered chicken and sardine, he ate only the tiniest amount over the next 36 hours. He drank a lot of water but was still dehydrated.

On his next visit to the vet, it was clear that he didn't have much time left. He had kidney disease, a heart murmur, something wrong with his liver. 

He purred when stroked. Arched his boney back up to the touch of a friendly hand. Then he was put to sleep for the last time.

Please, you humans, think of homeless cold cats this winter. Don't wait too long to help them find a warm home.

Should humans have babies or kittens?

 Should humans have a baby? Or should they have a kitten? It is question I have pondered every time I meet a single human with a cat. Surely, the advantages are on the side of getting a kitten rather than a human baby. 

Humans enjoy thinking of their cats as their babies - witness the latest book Seven Cats I Have Loved.* "Deep in my heart I knew I couldn't really tell my feelings for my daughters apart from my feelings for my cats," admits the author.

Many humans lie about this. She doesn't.

So here are the advantages of cats or kitten companions rather than human companions.

• Kittens are much faster to learn how to use a litter tray. No nappies. No potty training. No bed wetting.
• Kittens and cats are much quieter than babies. No midnight crying (well, silence most of the time).
• If neutered early enough, there is no teenage dating to worry about. Neutering is not available for teenage humans.
• 
  Humans will find kittens and cats much cheaper, even allowing for vet bills.
• Kittens and cats never talk back. They just walk away with dignity. 
• Kittens are so purrfectly adorable. All that delicious fur. Gorgeous whiskers. None of that bald skin.

The sensible human choice has to be kittens or cats. 

 

* Seven Cats I Have Loved by Anat Levit. Serpents' Tail. £9.99.

Archeological cats

It's not widely known but we cats have long had an interest in archeology particularly in countries with a feline friendly climate like Italy. There is rarely an archeology site that does not have a resident cat or cats.

Take Herculaneum for instance. A feline guide is available for cat-human encounters. She enjoys human company and is willing to engage in shared meals whenever possible. 

The local human cat lovers have ensured that she is neutered and those employed on the site make sure there is regular cat food and water available.

It's a great lifestyle. Dry shelter in the roofed Roman houses, plenty of lizards on the walls to catch, and of course rodents are available. 

Best of all, there is freedom in being a community cat, not a house cat. Freedom to roam all round the site. Freedom to ignore tourists or to engage with them.

Read my paws....

 

Look at our front paws and you can read our feelings from them. If they are tucked neatly under us, bent towards each other or bent back under the chest, while we am sitting, it means we are relaxed and happy.

If they are under our bodies but firmly on the ground, it means we are anxious. /we have not relaxed. We have our paws ready for movement, so that we can back away fast or even flee for our lives.

 

Pay attention, humans. Read our paws.

Pain makes us grumpy

 

My ears hurt. Don't touch me or I will nip

When I have a pain in my ears, my tummy or my joints, I get grumpy. I might even nip my human. I can't help it. What else can I do to stop her petting me in a painful place?

Humans just don't understand this. They think we are being vicious. They should remember that they get grumpy too when they are in pain.

This is Mr Nipper Spangles. He has ear mites or something similar. So he is worried about being petted anywhere near them. 

He nips if he sees a hand coming close to his ears. It's the only way he can avoid the risk of being hurt. It hurts if his ears are touched.

Purrlease. Check us out for pain if we get grumpy with our humans.