Human obsession with weight....

Dear George,

I'll be very short and to the point. What defines a cat's normal weight?
We know that our standards and values are quite different from our humans’ but, still I think we should have this clearly stated and disclosed – what makes a cat normal, fat, overweight and obese? Some graphics will help as well if you have any (visual had always have a stronger impact). The reason I’m asking your help with this is because my mummy is obsessed with her weight (since she moved over to UK). I don’t know how skinny you are over there but she is already as fat as a toothpick! Is she too fat already?  Is this your norm? Why am I concerned? I’m very much concerned since I’ve heard her saying that I need to be on a diet! Ugh! Give me a break! Am I supposed to eat only “greens” as in this photo? Don’t think so, thank you! George, I personally think I’m normal! I’m OK with my weight! So, please help me as I don’t see myself munching all day long on catnip or greens only! Are these standards universal or do they differ from one continent to another? If they do, then tell me, please, of a continent where people have some meat on their bones so when I knead, I actually feel some soft, fat tissues that make me feel GOOD.

In ounces and pounds

Didina

Dear Didina,
I agree. Fat humans have much warmer squashier laps that a cat can really sink into or have a good satisfying knead.  We don't like thin humans. But it is a good idea for us to get too fat - after all, we want to be healthy.
Here's a great chart about cat weight. Useful for humans who are under or over feeding their cat.

Add caption

We

We don't have to eat greens to lose weight. That is for human omnivores, not us obligate carnivores. There are now plenty of cat foods on sale that help us stay trim. Vets can prescribe specialist foods for that.
But more importantly we need fun and exercise not just smaller bowls of food. In fact bowls are boring. If we get fed in food dispensers, meals take longer, are more fun, and give us some exercise. Ideas for fun food toys can be found here.
Yours
George.

Misbehaving and the night watchman.

-->

Dear George,

I don’t know how active or athletic you still are but I must admit I’ve personally slowed down a lot! I rather get on a cozy pillow and read the letters on your blog than to jump up and down or take the stairs. I believe I didn’t jump up on a counter in the last three years… but last weekend I must have jumped up on the counters at least 200 times! Yes, you heard me right: 200 times! Why? Because that’s what some humans could drive you to do! No, not my humans but their company! Well, my humans decided to entertain post holidays and they invited a group of people for dinner. Among the guests there was this woman who tried to change the rules IN MY HOUSE! No less and no kidding!

Can you imagine that? How dare she? You see, the minute she got in she started to make faces and comments about cats and started telling my mom “Oh, please, THIS CAT can’t touch my fur coat” or “Ah, I hope your cat doesn’t jump up on the counters or tables” or “hope I won’t find any cat hair in my dinner; ha!ha!ha!.” I was speechless! How rude she was! I looked at my mom as she was trying to explain (very politely) that I’m a very well behaved cat and no, I do not jump up on the counters! That just did it! I mean …that woman and her comments drove me to jump 200 times up on the counters that night! She also drove me to jump up right on the dining table and walk between guests and plates. Then, she drove me to pretend I was falling down off the coat hanger (I just climbed on) and had to “grab” her fur coat with my claws…going down! Yes, I did all these things! By the end of the evening I was laughing my head off seeing her speechless! I bet I’ll never see her again! My mom didn’t seem to be overly upset after all but she did mention that I have totally, completely, absolutely misbehaved and I have ruined the night! She also said that I looked like a “night watchman” at times! Is this bad or good? George, I don’t know what a “night watchman” is! I assume it must be something bad, something scary? Is that right?

Honestly George, was I that bad? Would my behaviour make me a “night watchman?” What if I was right? George, please….your opinion!

Your old friend,

CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,

Shocking behaviour by a visiting human! And your human should also be ashamed of herself for not supporting you in this. This is your home, which you kindly share with your humans. Your home - therefore your rules.
And why not walk on the table? I always do. I enjoy embarrassing my humans in this way. Watching their faces express their anguish is truly amusing.

Naturally you were interested by a fur coat? You were checking it out to see if it was real or fake. Any sensible cat would do this.

Was it real fur? If it was, some human had hunted and killed it, just like we cats kill mice. But without an excuse. We have a natural instinct to hunt and kill, but at least we don't just do it to wear fur that isn't our own. And, although we "play" with our prey (because we can't help it; the instinct is hard wired), at least we don't keep mice in tiny cages just to wear their fur.

Well done ruining the evening...  If your humans must entertain people who wear real fur, they should do it in a restaurant away from temptation!

I always wonder why humans wear clothes and fur. Why not grow their own?

Yours

George.

PS. Not sure what she meant about a "night watchman." Odd remark. But humans are odd. Something to do with the Rembrandt painting or the horror movie?

Update from the Black Kitty & the Christmas miracle

Dear George,
I wanted to give you and your blog readers an update on my situation.

As I mentioned in my Christmas letter I found my new Mummy and moved to my forever home! She started by looking very carefully at me and trying to find me a name that suits me well. First she tried “Midnight”! It is a beautiful name but, unfortunately it only reminded me of the cold nights when I was living on the streets! I didn’t want to disappoint her so I simply didn’t react to the name! 
Then, she looked at me again and said “Dolce” – that’s it: Dolce! which is Italian for “sweets” something like “sweetie pie” in English! George, I must tell you – I had tears in my eyes! I instantly LOVED the name! I looked at her and meowed my approval and gave her a little kiss! I think that sealed our love forever! She IS the best mum! She plays piano for me …serenading me.

She even left a big empty box in the center of the room (as you can see in the photo) so we can play “hide and seek”! I love her and I’m forever grateful she opened her heart and home to me. I give her lots of kisses and head rubs! I don’t know how else to show her my love and appreciation! George, any other suggestions?

Molto contenta (very happy)

Dolce

Dear Dolce,
No need to go overboard in appreciation.  You have done her a favour by making her into your pet. Keep a little back... so that she appreciates those head rubs when they come. She will value them more if you do not give them too often.
Now you need to help her understand that rewards such as head rubs have to be earned. As wise trainers say, rewards are contingent on correct behaviour. Head rubs, little licks, loud purrs and a lot of lap time -- this is what humans crave from cats.
It won't be difficult. She is obviously a trainable human. The box was thoughtful even imaginative. The name is really lovely.
Yours
George

Car safety - Traveling with a human!

Dear George,
Now that the holidays’ chaos and stress is over I’d like to get your opinion on a very much overlooked topic….which is “traveling with cats”!
You see, my Mom wanted to visit relatives across the pond. She got quite excited by the idea of “us” visiting cousins in the faraway land but soon her excitement fell flat once she realized she could not take me with her in the cabin! So, she gave up on the cousins and decided to go local which meant…..by car! I think I did dress for the occasion (as you can see in the photo) but I wasn’t happy at all! I have to complain because I didn’t get the passenger’s seat! Nooooo! She put me in my carrier in the back seat! This wasn’t fair! 
I wanted to enjoy the view but she wouldn’t have it any other way! I’ve seen other cats traveling in the passenger’s seat and not in a carrier! So I decided to punish her and make her life miserable so I meowed all the way back home. 
She seems to be hurt by my behaviour and since I love her very much and have no intention to punish her unnecessary I’d like to get your opinion on this issue. Maybe I was too hard on her?
Maybe…..maybe ….she was right? 
George, help please!
Minky 

Dear Minky,
I am sure you would have liked to be in the front seat and able to move around the car, but this is a safety issue. Humans are unreliable travelling companions and we have to be protected from their irresponsibility. They can forget that cat safety is paramount.
This is how I once wanted to travel in the car - it was a serious error on my part.

Let me tell you about Ada, a cat that was traveling unrestrained in a car. As her driver negotiated a small road, he was involved in a minor collision with another car. He forgot about Ada altogether, leaped out, and started sorting things out with the other driver.
Terrified, Ada leaped out too and took refuge in the hedge. She sat there rigid and unmoving with fear (luckily) so could be picked up by her driver. If she had fled rather than froze she might have been lost forever.
I hate saying this. Your human was right.
Your cat box was on the back seat and fastened down with a seat belt - important to stop it flying forward and hitting the driver on the head, precipitating a serious car crash.
Yours George. 
PS. Important details here for car travel, and airline travel in North America here with details of American airline policy on pets. Regulations about bringing in pets to the UK are complex and can be found here.

New Year feline wishes - and news

Dear fellow cats,
I was going to write a New Year Message, full of good hope, goodwill, and optimism. Instead, I have both good and bad news.
The good news is that at last the world will be able to read my words of wisdom. A book is coming out in February with the title 100 Ways to be More Like your Cat. Feline Wisdom for Happy Humans. Here at last is my attempt to enlighten the human, not the feline, race. I think all cats would agree that humans would be happier if they imitated us.
The bad news is that my name is not on it. In order to purrsuade humans to buy it, the publisher said, it must have a human name. So once again, my secretary's name is there on the cover, not mine. 
Purrsonally I am extremely upset by this. It is not the first time she has indulged in outright plagiarism of my ideas. But for the good of the human race, I had to accept this. 
I shall make her pay.... I am thinking of ways of getting my revenge.
Yours with very mixed feelings,
George.
 

A Christmas Miracle

Dear George,

I’m a two years old kitten who got lost or has been abandoned – I don’t know what happened for sure! No one posted any flyers around the area where I was found living on the streets. All I know is that about two months ago some good people saw me in a parking lot and started feeding me. They would come every single night and feed me. Then as the weather was getting colder they decided to trap me and find me a home! Their prayers and wishes were to find me a forever home by Christmas! Well, their prayers and wishes came true! In last two weeks I’ve been trapped, taken to a vet clinic to be checked-up, lived temporary in two fosters home and I’ll be in my forever home by Christmas.

I’ve also learned that my new human is the best “cat mum” I could wish for! She’ll love me and care for me! She has already announced her family and friends about me coming home for Christmas! I’m a bit scared but I know that once I’ll be just with her I’ll be able to rest and relax! I promise I will love her back! George, I do now believe in miracles!

And, as young as I am …I now truly understand Christmas and the spirit of giving!

It’s not at all about giving gifts…it’s all about giving shelter, giving food, giving hope and above all…..giving love! That’s the spirit of Christmas!

I wish to all the kittens and their humans a Merry Christmas and I pray for all the cats in need to find their forever homes and loving humans!

Love to all

Kitty

Dear Kitty,
You have said it all.
But I would just add some quick advice to cats. Stay away from mistletoe and holly. They are poisonous. So are lilies and pointsetta (photo on the right).
Happy Christmas,
George.

Human kittens -- strange smells, weird noises. How to cope.

Dear George,

I didn’t write to you in quite some time so, please forgive me! I was busy moving from a flat to a big house! I wanted more space to move around and have more closets for my selected wardrobe so I put my “paw down” (as you can see in the photo) and asked my humans to find a better place.  But, I have learned the move came with a big surprise! 

Apparently I’ll welcome my human sister in the Spring! I’m talking a human kitten!

That’s big time competition to me! George, as much as I love to see my humans so excited about their kitten I don’t want to lose my Alpha status nor do I want to lose my privileges! So, when and how do I start training the human kitten? Before even being born is….too soon? Right after birth…should I start purring to her? George, help!

Mia

Dear Mia,
Disruptive noises and strange smells ... but we have to put up with them, as we cannot (so far) neuter humans.  It will help if your humans help you get used to the noise in advance by downloading this track and playing it very very quietly then slightly louder while you are eating something nice.  They should do this the month before the human kitten arrival so you can get used to the noise.
Your humans should also put in place the new human kitten care routine, before the human kitten arrives, so you can get used to it. That might mean differently timed meals, different places for bowls and litter trays and one room with a door that is shut.
You will find that before the arrival, your male human will come back from hospital smelling odd. If he is a sensible pet, he will bring back something smelling of the human kitten and allow you to investigate it. That way when the wriggling bundle of human fun arrives home, you will be used to its smell. This will help.
Finally, the wise thing to do with a new human kitten is never to investigate it unless your adult human pets are there in the room to protect you. Never share its bed or get too close to its jerky movements. Advice for your humans can be found here. Human kittens are, to be brutally frank, retarded. After eight weeks we can cope with life: it takes years for a human kitten to be sensible enough to train properly. 
Well, it is what it is - you will adapt and even come to love it.
Eventually..... Some Feliway Classic might help too.
Yours
George. 
PS. I am working hard on my new book which will come out in February. 

The Universal Language of Cats

Dear George,

I live in a big metropole and, I humbly must admit I live the life of the riches!

Really, I am a rescue who got the chance to live in a Four Season Hotel suite!

But, that’s not the reason I’m writing to you! The reason is that I’m afraid I’m losing my mind and I don’t know if it’s because of the luxurious life I’m living or if it’s because the electro-magnetic/microwave pollution of the big city or what! How am I manifesting my symptoms? Simply….I think there is a Tower of Babel ….in my head!You see…Italian is my mother tongue, my mummy speaks French and my daddy speaks English. They have friends who speak other languages. When we have company …everybody is talking to me in their mother tongue and I DO UNDERSTAND them all!

Isn’t that crazy? How can I understand all these foreign languages?

George, can you explain this to me before I completely lose my mind? Or is it that we are so advanced that cat language transcend any other languages?

Completely confused

Signore Bianco

Dear Signore Bianco,

Of course you understand what humans are saying - in so far as it is worth bothering about. The feline communication system is multi-faceted involving scent, vocalising and body language, far more advanced than the human one. Using those three senses we read our humans. (Admittedly like reading a book for very young kittens as most of their language is unnessary blah).

We read their body language much better than they read it. We read their tone of voice with an ability much better than theirs. We read the way their scent changes with their emotions and we read the family mixture of scent - hers, his, and mine.We can detect if they have been stroking another cat half an hour ago or which supermarket they went to (they smell different).

Human beings only understand vocalisations.  And because their other senses just don't work, they have to do an awful lot of vocalising in different languages. But we read what is behind or underneath the words: so we don't have to bother with the exact way they vocalise. Much of what they say is very boring anyway. Poor nose blind creatures!

Yours 

George.

Seductive charm is the way to a forever home.

Dear George, 

I’m trying to find a forever home and I need your advice.

I won’t bother you with the details of my life but, you need to know that I’m in a foster home right now. This would be my second foster home and I would very much like this one to become my permanent home. I like my foster human too – he’s quiet! At times he seems to be grumpy but I know he’s not! He is kind and generous! I believe he had cats before because I can still smell them. He doesn’t think I’m a good fit in his life right now but I know he likes me! He travels summertime and he worries as he doesn’t know what to do with me! George, how can I tell him that I’m OK to go for a month or two in a cattery or one of his friends’ house if I’ll be with him for the remaining 10 -11 months of the year? I really like him! I’m happy here! 

With thanks,

Petrushka

Dear Petrushka,

Foster homes can become forever homes, if a cat plays her cards right! But be careful what you wish for. If he really is away from home for several weeks, you might not enjoy being in a cattery for that length of time. Of course, if there is a partner or a best friend who could help out by boarding you, that would be great. Many cats have two homes - an official one and the one down the street where the people give him a second breakfast.

To turn a temporary home into a permanent one requires you to exercise all your charms. Purr at him frequently. Roll on your back and when he tickles your tummy, do not scratch (always tempting, I admit). Practice little loving looks with your head on one side. Jump on his lap and knead - gently.

Greet him with your tail up when he comes home from work. Watch TV with him. Play with his newspaper. Sleep on the bed with him purring regularly and quietly to help him go off to sleep. You know the score. Seduce him with charm. Make him love you. It's what we do when we want something.

Yours 

George.

Vaccines - do they hurt? Why bother?

Dear George, 
I have a question for you if you’ll be so kind to answer.
I’m just a kitten (about 3 months old) and I don’t know or understand much!  I was rescued with my mother from a park. I mean she gave birth to her litter in this park. I know there was another kitty but the lady who rescued us could not find it. I pray for my sibling – hope he/she is OK! My question is about vaccines. Last night I heard my rescuer talking to a veterinarian about me and my mother and saying that we need a blood work done, vaccination and my mom needs to be spayed as well. All this sounds very strange to me and now I’m scared. Actually how many vaccines do I need? And how often? Are they painful? Are they all necessary? Can you give us some guidelines?

Scared but thankful

Pumpkin

Dear Pumpkin, 
Much as I loathe vets, they do have their uses and vaccinations are essential. All cats that are allowed to go outside need them and even indoor-only cats will need them if they are ever put into catteries. Vaccinations will also protect them, if by chance they escape outside.
How many and how often varies from country to country. Here in the UK I am vaccinated yearly with a combination vaccine (just one jab) against feline enteritis and cat 'flu. This means I can go into a cattery if there is an emergency at home. When I was younger, because I am a cat who goes outside, I had three years of vaccinations against feline leukaemia. If I had lived indoors I wouldn't have needed that.
If I lived abroad, a rabies vaccination might well be important or even a legal requirement. Lifestyle matters a lot. If I lived in a multicat household or a breeding colony then vaccinations against chlamydia and bordatella (called kennel cough in dogs) might also be worth having. Vaccinations for FIV and FIP are available outside Europe but these haven't passed EU regulations.
Yours
George 
PS. It's complicated. Here's what UK cat vets think. You need a good vet though I hate to admit that.

Looking for my mouse....

Dear George, 
I think my human mummy is going nuts! This week it was her birthday and she got as a gift “The Essential Dowsing Guide” book! That in itself was the biggest mistake as she immediately started reading it and then, of course, she tried to “explore” (oh! excuse me….dowse) everything that came to her mind or her way. I personally think this is a big no-no …but who would think a cat knows better? Anyway, I was quite bored waiting for to finish reading so we can play so I was looking for my mouse (toy). I didn’t say anything but I heard her saying: Ah! Ok! I can find you (meaning me) if you disappear, I can find lost objects and, actually I can find your mouse – a live mouse! Then….she went to the backyard with two L-shape rods and started walking around! George, is she really nuts? Who cares about dowsing? I don’t ….for the record.

Why?

First – I do not plan to “disappear” (after I lived on the streets for 3 years? No way).

Secondly – I’m not interest in any lost object! I can find my mouse toy without any gadgets. And thirdly – the live mouse is my “quick moving and juicy dinner” and all she did was to scare the heck out of my poor dinner! Now I have to eat the food she had prepared for me! Ugh! I know she holds in utmost respect the British Society of Dowsers! Since this association is in UK can you please ask them how can I tell her she has no talent for dowsing (proved last night) and how can I stop her from scaring away my dinner?

With much gratitude

Chico

Dear Chico,

This is a serious dilemma. We don't want humans to start finding and catching mice. This is our job.  I have always argued that mouse traps should be banned as should mouse poison (so dangerous for cats that decide to eat a mouse). Now dowsing. What will they think of next? They are dumb and dumber, poor creatures.
Maybe it would help if you started bringing her live mice so that she practiced inside the home, rather than interfering in your backyard? This is a tentative suggestion because many humans fail to appreciate our generosity and just scream or stand on chairs.
Another possibility is to use her as a hunting aid. At the moment she is scaring mice away but if she could only get a bit more expert at it, she could dowse their whereabouts, then call you in to finish them off. 
But is this likely? Humans are so noisy and clumsy that I believe they can only dowse inanimate things like water.... even the British Society of Dowsers would surely draw the line at mice.
Please stay in touch and tell me how you get on with this latest example of sheer human stupidity.
Yours
George.