Is my huma getting too clever?

I love sitting on the windowsill. What cat doesn't. I am an indoor cat so I need to spend time enjoying sight. 

But I am not sure that I like my human writing about it (here). She seems determined to give away various cat secrets. 

Do we want our humans to understand us? In one ways, yes, of course we do. We want them to notice when we are hungry for food. We want them also to understand when we want to be petted and when we want to be left alone.

But, if they begin to understand us too much, it might not always work to our advantage. They might begin to refuse us food, when we tell them we are starving (and of course we are not starving at all!!). 

If they began to read our body language (not just our meows), they might know when we were deceiving them. So I worried a bit about the latest substack Celia had written about windows and cats.

Then later on, I began to think my anxiety was not justified. Humans are just dumb animals, with the emphasis on the dumb. They are stupid. Let's face it, everything about the way they are messing up our world proves that.....

Celia is just showing off. 

I always land on my feet.... clever me!

 

Reference - Higurashi et al, 2026  

DOI: 10.1002/ar.70165

We cats are brilliant acrobats. One of our most mysterious and wonderful actions is the way we fall.... on our feet.

Humans just fall to the ground. They hurt themselves - particularly the oldies - because they crash onto their heads, or their hips, or their hands. There is often blood on their bodies or the crack of a broken bone.

We cats survive falls because we land on our feet. 

The trick is that we swivel our bodies, righting ourselves as we fall. 

How do we do this?

We have amazingly flexible spines. The top chest area of our spines bends first so that the front feet point downwards, then the lower spine (not quite so flexible) bends so that the rest of the body is poised to land on all four feet.

Beat this one, humans. You can't. You just can't, you clumsy two-footed dumb animals. 

Why are our litter trays so small?

 

NOT BIG ENOUGH.

We cats are clean animals.

This is an important reason why humans like to be adopted by us. They enjoy living with animals who know where to toilet and generally stick to the same place, the litter tray.

But humans also make life difficult for us. Very difficult.

They give us tiny litter trays and often trays with covers. Sometimes we can only manage by leaving half our body outside the tray.

We need space. Space to get into the litter tray and dig a hole. Space to turn round and position our backside on that hole. Then we need to turn round, examine the situation, and start covering it up.

So we need space in front of us and behind us. We also need space sideways for turning. 

AT LAST - BIG ENOUGH

Minimum requirement... A litter tray at least one and a half times our body length from nose to base of tail. AND wide enough for us to turn round in it.

Do we get this? Not usually. 

 

 

I sleep, therefore I am a cat.

 We cats know the power of sleep.When we have had a big meal, we sleep. When we are tired, we sleep. When there is a warm fire, or a warm cat bed, or a patch of sunlight, we sleep.

And then we sleep some more. Time spend sleeping is never wasted.  

We are never ever, ever, workaholics like humans. Humans waste their time rushing around, shopping for food (it's a boring variation of hunting), vocalising to each other (they call it gossip), watching that box of lights (to them it is a TV), cooking (for themselves not us), going out "to work" (whatever that is, perhaps it is like patrolling territory), getting high on liquid alcohol (their version of catnip.)

Most of them only sleep at night. What a waste of what is one of the most wonderful life experiences  - a good sleep.

I really pity them. 

Helping my local stray females

Pregnant 

I know that female cats living on the street are better off without repeated pregnancies. Humans feed stray cats and think they are being kind. Well, they are being kind but they could do better. 

Please help your local mom cat get spayed so that she isn't worn out with repeated pregnancies. Even females that are riddled with worms or suffering from diseases will still get pregnant.

Many of them will lose their kittens - up to 75% feral or unowned kittens will die before they are six months old. And then the mother cat will get pregnant again... and again... and again.

We cats do not have a population crisis. We don't need more kittens. There are too many unwanted kittens and cats in the world already - living on the streets, eating from dustbins or thrown away take-away meals, dying from traffic accidents, starvation or disease.

 

•  My human has a substack on why females are better off spayed - http://celiahaddoncatexpert.substack.com

 

 

Why I am better off without my testicles

 

I am better off without these?

As a privileged house cat, with a devoted human servant, I have always understood that there was a trade-off. In return for the peace and comfort of sharing my bed with my human, I had to forgo the hurly burly of sex on the rooftops with a female cat. 

Was the trade-off worth it? I lost some of the excitement of life, it is true. I don't have kittens to continue my bloodline. I don't have the sharp short pleasure of the sex act.

What I gained was better health. I am free from the fatal diseases spread by fighting other tom cats -- Feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV) and feline leukaemia virus (FeLV). I also don't have scars, wounds or even abcesses resulting from wound.

If I had my testicles I would be outside roaming around looking for sex. Wanting sex and not getting it, is not in itself a pleasure. And, moreover, tom cat roaming often means leaving home or being thrown out of home because I was smelly and peed in the house. Roaming puts tom cat at risk from traffic or bigger animals

So I am healthier and have all the pleasures of a regular and longer life. Worth it? I think so.

And I contribute a lot to human emotional welfare. 

 

• For my human's view on this go to http://celiahaddoncatexpert.substack.com

I have two pockets.....

 

Dumb humans often assume that we cats don't have pockets. But we do. Two of them. In our ears.

They are called (heaven knows why) Henry's pockets. They are little flaps of skin at the bottom of each ear. 

You can see them in the photo - pink pockets in Dotty's ears!

What are they for? We cats don't know and for once humans admit that they don't know either. 

They might be useful for our superior hearing - we have a much wider range of hearing than humans and also a much more acute hearing ability. 

Or they might be designed to help ear mobility: we can swivel our ears to catch a sound. Humans can't do that, though occasionally a gifted human can wriggle their ears a tiny bit.

When humans invented pockets in their clothes, they were probably imitating us. 

They look up to us, you know. 

 

Three legs are better than two

 

Tanni the kitten with only 3 legs

One of the obvious ways we are superior to humans is that we have four legs. If we lose a leg, we still have three. If humans lose a leg, they only have one. And it is difficult to function on only one leg.

The only way that humans manage is with an artificial leg. There are difficulties with soreness fixing these to a stump. And humans have to re-learn how to walk with them. 

It's simple for us cats, if we are unlucky enough to be in a traffic accident. Good vets simply take off a crushed leg. It's no good leaving part of it that would just sort of wriggle around not touching the earth.

This is what happened to Tanni the kitten. Within 24 hours of  surgery she was walking round the vet's surgery. You can read more about Tanni's story at https://celiahaddoncatexpert.substack.com/  

She was living proof that it is better to be born a cat, than to be born a human.

We are just more athletic, more adaptable, less whining and in every way have better bodies than humans!

 

I want to be a national symbol

What is more beautiful than a British cat, like me. With the wide British face and beautiful soft fur. Purrlease, believe me, I would make a great modern symbol for the UK.

 So why not....

The Siamese, with its slanty face and thin body (not well muscled like me) has become a national symbol for Thailand. It's official recognition from the Government.

I mean just compare the two of us.

She is a nice colour, I admit. But her face is triangular without proper cheeks and her nose is sort of pointed. Unlike the symmetry of my nose in the slightly flat face.

So, Prime Minister Starmer, when are you going to recognise the British cat, a pedigree breed already popular with cat owners.

We are British already. Now we want to be officially recognised as true Brits.  

For once, Mr Starmer, do something that will make our humans cheer for you. 

 

Help! Keith needs a home in Oxfordshire

 

Why can't some cats get a forever home? Sometimes it's because they are old, or scruffy, or just the wrong colour and stupid humans want a particular colour

But why is Keith still homeless? 

He's under two years old. He's handsome though small. He's playful. He uses the litter tray excellently. He's clever - he can open doors. And he's affectionate.

True, he does nip his human if he is ignored. And he hates all over cats and will attack them. So he needs a home without any other cats.

Today he is very, very bored and frustrated. He is waiting for adoption in a spare room. With nothing much to do.

He is taken out for half an hour's play time twice a day. He is warm and well fed. 

If you happen to know a sensible adult human (some of them definitely aren't) that lives in Oxfordshire, please let them know about Keith.

They can adopt him from www.sunshinecatrescue.org.uk  

Cats come in from the cold

 As I lie under the radiator, soaking up the heat on my tummy, I think of the cats living outside. In summer it is a fine life - mice to catch, rats behind the supermarkets, dustbins to raid, caterwauling toms and receptive females.

But in winter.... 

Living under cars, trying to creep beneath garden sheds,  or miserably sheltering underneath cars... it's a tough world for the outside strays.

We cats come from the Middle East. We are designed to live in deserts, among pyramids, or at the edge of the Euphrates. In Europe it is cold and, worse still, wet. We need shelter, as well as food.

In Italy, some towns install little wooden huts for cats, along the pavement. There are cushions on top for fine weather and shelter below for wet days. In Istanbul, people build little cat houses on the steps outside their homes.

Not all of us cats want homes. Some of us prefer to live the outdoor life. There are many humans who feed stray cats. Thank you.

But what about shelters for street cats... think about it, humans.

 

 

 

This year I won't pee on the tree

 

Yes, one year I did. I sprayed on the Christmas tree. I felt obliged to do so, to keep myself feeling safe over the Christmas holiday.

The tree smelled of dog. DOG! 

Apparently some passing canine had lifted its leg on the tree, while the tree was placed outdoors on the pavement. My human couldn't smell it: but to me it was a very strong odour.

Dog-smelling trees frighten me. So I  cover up the enemy scent with my own scent. That's only fair.

So I did the only thing I could do, to stop myself feeling anxiety. And what was really painful was that my human did not understand.

Indeed, she became very upset. I couldn't explain to her. She shut me out of the room with the tree.

Life with humans has horribly unfair moments. This was one of them. 

Luckily this year, the tree smelled OK.  

 

 

A new cat at the top....

 

Copyright and more info here

We've done it again. We cats have strolled into top paces. The Belgian prime minister has just adopted a special needs cat.

His name? Maximus Textoris Pulcher. That's Latin for "Maximus the beautiful weaver." A posh name for a posh cat living at the top of  Belgian society.

His ears look funny because he is a Scottish fold cat, a breed that has serious health problems. They have a genetic condition  called osteochondrodysplasia.

That means their joints are deformed and they are in chronic pain. Maximus is also FIV positive.

Here in the UK, we still breed them and they still suffer. But in Belgium, they have banned the breed. 

Oh, and by the way, the Belgian prime minister's name is Bart de Wever and he is not HIV positive!  So he has given his surname to Maximus.

If it's a man, meow louder

Getting human attention is always a problem. They just don't hear us. They are too busy doing the stupid little actions that their species seems to think are important.

Meow? They are staring into the computer and take no notice.

Meow? They are putting on the coffee machine for breakfast and take no notice.

Meow? They are reading a book in bed and take no notice. 

And the male of the species is worse than the female. The female will, if you meow AND wind yourself round her legs, probably remember that you need your  breakfast first.

And the female may put down the book and give you a cuddle last thing at night.

But the male staring at the computer? Not with us at all. Might as well be in another world. 

What is so funny about humans is that they have researched our meows and decided we meow louder when we are dealing with the male. Of course we do. We could have told them why, if only they had the wit to understand what we are saying. 

So Meow louder when it is a male human. 

 

• Want more info about humans? Buy my book for Christmas. 
• •  Buy it Buy it here.
  
  
  
   

The spy in the litter box.

 

So this is the future. No more decent privacy in the litter box. They call it "pet monitoring."

Some evil human has invented a robotic litter box which tells our pet humans what we deposit and when.

It spies on us and sends messages to their phones. 

And look at that monstrosity of a litter box - more like a spacecraft than a decent box. Elderly cats wouldn't be able to get up there anyway.

Would humans like it, if we monitored their lavatories. Would they enjoy the idea that we know exactly when they urinated and how much they urinated, the size of their stools, and the texture of the faeces.

Do we need to remind humans that going to the bathroom (as they call it) is a private act. Yes, PRIVATE.

Do not spy on us, humans. 

 

Crunch that cockroach? Swallow that fly...

Tommy hunting flies

 Crunch, crunch.... there is nothing so satisfying for me than hunting down cockroaches.

The crunch is a bit like the noise my human makes when she is eating crisps. And the flavour is just as good. Very moreish. 

And if I can't find a cockroach, then a bluebottle will do. My hunting technique is to use my paws to smash them against the window pane. Then I pick them up with my mouth when they have fallen down and are wiggling. 

Spiders? Well, the outdoor ones with long skinny legs are more difficult, because the legs come off and the spiders whizz away. Besides, if I am outside, I have better things to hunt.

Indoors, the spiders that are stuck in the bath are more worth my attention. Not really crunchy but often much bigger than a mere bluebottle.

Researchers have just discovered that cats catch a lot of insects!* Boy, these humans are dumb. We have been eating them for at least 1.6 million years when our ancestors emerged on this planet.

We are pest exterminators for cockroaches. And bluebottles. And spiders. 

Your pest is our fun food!

 

•  "Social media highlights the overlooked impact of cats on arthropods," Insect Conservation and Diversity, DOI: 10.1111/icad.70038

World Diabetes day - am I a fat cat?

Boomer before his diet. He lost a sixth of body weight (6 kilos before the diet).  

My human pet, Celia, has just been diagnosed with diabetes. Hardly surprising due to the fact that she has been eating too much cake and biscuits lately.

I have put her on a diet. No sugar, no cake, no biscuits, but as much fruit and vegetables as she wants. She has already given up alcohol and now she has stopped drinking fruit juice too. 

She is not very happy.

Today, Friday November 14, is World Diabetes Day, so I started worrying about my own weight. Did my tum look too fat in my fur? Was I developing love handles?

Perhaps I should give up Dreamies. I only eat about five a day. But is this too much? 

Should I stop eating so much cat food? Change from the most expensive and delicious envelopes to some horrible dried food which isn't so tasty? 

Reading up about feline diabetes here made me almost as depressed as Celia.

It says the symptoms are drinking too much water and urinating too much. I don't think I do that. 

Purrhaps I am just being a hypochondriac.

 

Cats in High Places. Royalty?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kattenstoet#/media/File:Kattenstoet.jpg

 Some good news, for a change, on the human front. We cats are slowly but surely changing human nature for the best.

I have just heard of Kattenstoet in Belgium, a cat festival. Humans dress up as giant cats, showing that they aspire to be as beautiful and as wise as we are.

Admittedly, these giant cats are wearing clothes not fur, but this is probably just due to the slow intellect of the organisers. Humans hoping (rather pathetically) to be like cats is nevertheless a step forward.

Why do I say this? Because the festival originally focused on throwing living cats from the church tower. An act of cruelty committed yearly by lowlife humans against their superiors, us. 

So fellow felines, our efforts to purrsuade humans to behave better, to accept our superiority, to act better towards us, have not been wasted. We are making progress little by little.

Indeed, this made me think further. I have been wondering whether we should not take over from the British Royal family. We would do a better job than the current Royals.

It is true that we slaughter wildlife. But so do the Royal family. They shoot and they used to hunt. The number of birds shot by a prince is far greater than the number of mice killed by a cat during the same period of time.  

We are far better looking than most of them. We are not money obsessed and do not take payments from spies. We do not have sex with kittens, and we know how to purr politely in difficult circumstances.  

King George V11 sounds rather good to me. 

Exciting news...my book may be chosen by a book club!

 

Yay, fellow cats... I have just had an email suggesting my book, A Cat's Guide to Humans, may be chosen by a Washington DC book club. At last, at long last, my effort at understanding humans may be taking off. 

As we cats know, humans are a strange species, misleadingly known as Homo sapiens. "Sapiens" is Latin for "wise." 

Which they are not.

Just to run through a few examples. Humans use alcohol and drugs and get hopelessly drunk and high. We use
catnip and after a little high of ten minutes get sensible again.

Humans don't have any fur. They have to cover their nakedness with artificial substitutes for fur. Our fur is one of the glories of being feline. We wear it all the time: we don't have to take it off or put it on.

Humans have kittens that are so slow to learn that they cannot walk for months and months. Our kittens are walking well after about four weeks.

Humans cannot purr. We can.

However humans, when they are properly trained, are very useful round the house. They make excellent servants - they feed us, provide laps, and warm radiators.

They are not bad: just very limited and of low IQ. 

 

Behind every successful author is a hard working cat

 

I have been a feline ghost writer for many years. My human, Celia, has published several books about cats. With her name, not mine, on them. My contributions have been essential but they have also been entirely glossed over.

I have toiled for months to help her understand cats. I have meowed. I have purred. I have scratched. I have nipped. All in the effort to get that dumb human to engage her brain in a proper feline way. 

Only one of "my" books has given me due credit. 

Even then, she insisted on having her name attached as well. A pathetic desire to get in on the act. Poor woman is so needy that she could not help herself!

Most cats would not have put up with this. Most cats would have refused to co-operate further. Many cats would simply have left home in search of a less selfish human.

I stayed. Why?

I stayed in the hope that eventually, with months of training, with endless patience on my part, that she would purrhaps fully UNDERSTAND CATS. 

She still doesn't. 

 

• If you want to buy iit, go to UK Amazon or US Amazon  It would make me purr with pleasure -- though your human might not like it.