Saturday, July 14, 2018
Saturday, July 07, 2018
Humans don't understand tails at all. Why should they? They don't even have one, poor mutilated things. So reading a tail, by which we can express so much, is beyond most of them.
Tail language, of course, is obvious to us. There is TAIL UP, a sign that we like the person we are approaching. We're flagging it up, as we walk towards them, as a sign of greeting and liking.
Then there is BUSHY TAIL. That's just the opposite. Our hair is literally standing up with rage. At about the same time, our tails are usually going up, then sort of drooping down to cover our backside if we get in a fight.
There's LASHING TAIL. This is clear too. It says, "I do not like this. Stop it. Or I may bite you." LASHING TAIL is also part of our hunting procedure. We stop, eye the mouse, stalk and then lash the tail as a kind of balancing movement before the pounce.
What else? Well there is just TAIL MIDMAST. That's the relaxed tail just hanging out more or less in line with our bodies, when we are just relaxed about about life in general.
But how are you going to get this across to her? Most humans can't red their at all. Write to me again if you have found a way.
Monday, April 23, 2018
I live alone in a small house and I am not allowed out at all. I don't mind that too much, as I am frightened of the great outdoors.
I try to keep interested by chasing flies on the windowsill, zooming around the house after using the litter tray, and watching birds the other side of the glass - though this is a bit frustrating. My humans give me toy mice but I get bored with them rather quickly. Why don't my humans import some real mice and birds for me to hunt. That is what I would really like to do with my spare time.
For some reason humans always refuse to give us live prey. And they think that a stuffed mouse is enough. Well it isn't. This is what your humans need to do....
- Throw away the food bowl and feed you from food dispensers. Here's an easy one to make - watch here. Lots more home-made ideas here.
Me trying to get food out of the box
- And here is one that takes wet food. Watch here.
- Or just scatter dry food on the kitchen floor.
- Or hide dry food round the house.
- Lazer light toys are fun but can be very frustrating for cats - so no more five minutes maximum and each chase should finish with a treat (like catching the mouse!).
- Have a whole box of toys and put out different ones every three days.
- Lots of cardboard boxes, stable cat trees, and tunnels.
- Give you 30 pounces with a fishing rod toy daily. They can do this while they are watching TV. 30 pounces a day is more or less what a hunting cat would do.
PS. Some of these food ideas might lead to competition and conflict in a household with more than one indoor only cat.
Friday, March 09, 2018
This is one of my best fun occupations - hunting mice, then playing with their dead bodies. Sort of like hunting them a second time.
I toss them about and make them move. Moving targets, not still ones, are what turn me on. I do this as often as I can.
But what about indoor-only cats? How do they manage? I feel deprived when I can't do this...
I know... I know. The sheer concentrated fun of play hunting. This is what I live for too. And I don't need my human to help as I can just go out doors, find me a mouse and do it.
Alas, indoor-only cats need human help. Just leaving small toys (they must be small) around the house isn't enough. They are so boring. Even changing them daily only helps a little. We need moving targets.
Good human servants should give their indoor cats 30 play pounces a day - that's the number cats would do if they were wild. (They wouldn't catch a mouse on each pounce.) Fishing rod toys are best as even the idlest humans can wave these around while they are watching TV. Laser lights are good too, but can be very very frustrating if they are used too often. A treat at the end of the game would help the frustration a bit - like finally catching the laser mouse! There are lots more ideas here.
I only wish humans would put in a bit more effort about this.
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Live or dead mouse? A live one is much more exciting. Warm too. You two could share the pleasure of hunting it round the room, but there is one great disadvantage. It's not big enough to share, and do you have the self control to step back and let him eat all of it?
Dead? Yes, but two of them. Each placed in a separate bowl at a sensible distance. We cats have a tendency to want to eat whatever is in the other cat's bowl, rather than our own. This can lead to discord!
How to court him? Well we cats have a series of ways of flirting. We can roll on our side making come-on noises. We can rub against the feline loved one. We can twine tails. We can also - and this is the ultimate explicit come-on- lower ourselves on our front paws, leaving our backside higher up. This posture is ready for love.
And if you swivel your tail to one side, this a direct invitation. If he ignores this, then there's nothing more you can do. And, if he lives with humans, he might. For him, the snip may have made romance impossible. Like it has for me.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
And why not walk on the table? I always do. I enjoy embarrassing my humans in this way. Watching their faces express their anguish is truly amusing.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
I think my human mummy is going nuts! This week it was her birthday and she got as a gift “The Essential Dowsing Guide” book! That in itself was the biggest mistake as she immediately started reading it and then, of course, she tried to “explore” (oh! excuse me….dowse) everything that came to her mind or her way. I personally think this is a big no-no …but who would think a cat knows better? Anyway, I was quite bored waiting for to finish reading so we can play so I was looking for my mouse (toy). I didn’t say anything but I heard her saying: Ah! Ok! I can find you (meaning me) if you disappear, I can find lost objects and, actually I can find your mouse – a live mouse! Then….she went to the backyard with two L-shape rods and started walking around! George, is she really nuts? Who cares about dowsing? I don’t ….for the record.
Maybe it would help if you started bringing her live mice so that she practiced inside the home, rather than interfering in your backyard? This is a tentative suggestion because many humans fail to appreciate our generosity and just scream or stand on chairs.
Another possibility is to use her as a hunting aid. At the moment she is scaring mice away but if she could only get a bit more expert at it, she could dowse their whereabouts, then call you in to finish them off.
But is this likely? Humans are so noisy and clumsy that I believe they can only dowse inanimate things like water.... even the British Society of Dowsers would surely draw the line at mice.
Please stay in touch and tell me how you get on with this latest example of sheer human stupidity.
Saturday, September 09, 2017
Saturday, July 22, 2017
I like the great outdoors but I live down a cart track near fields where it is not too dangerous (except for foxes). And I come in at night for my last meal, so that I don't stay out too late - which cuts out some of the risks of being run over or eaten by a fox. Most cats would like this kind of lifestyle.
But it is safer indoors, definitely. Safe from predators like stray dogs, coyotes, foxes. Safe from traffic. Safe from disease caught by fighting with other cats. If indoor life is boring it is the fault of your humans. You should have lots of toys, a different one every day, lots of games with fishing rod toys when your humans are watching TV, and you should hunt for your food.
Hunt? Well hunting is what we cats do and it is what I do outside in the garden and fields. You can hunt too if your humans stop putting any food into a bowl. They should put it into food dispensers (look here for ideas), or scatter it so you have to run for it, or hide it round the house. Or build a feeding pole! Or by the Funboard - video here. That way you can keep busy hunting for food even when they have gone off to work.
I hope you have chosen rich humans... If so, they could build you a catio or even just fence in the whole garden - ideas here. There's a photo of a catio here. That would keep you safe and give you some fresh air.
So if they won't let you outside, get them to start doing what humans should always do - make you happy with an active lifestyle. It is their job to make you happy.
Saturday, July 08, 2017
What is a pandemic? I didn’t want to ask her because I’m not talking to her now! George, is it really bad? What is the difference between being fat, overweight or obese? It must be a difference! How can one tell? Please look at my photo again and tell me I’m OK!
You may be a bit overweight but you are not obese (30% above the proper weight, which your owner can check with the vet). Here is a photo of really fat cat, Boomer. He was obese and he was suffering because of it. You couldn't see or even feel his ribs and he was so fat that he couldn't reach his backside to groom it, so he had mats there. He lived with a slightly demented elderly owner, who couldn't remember if Boomer had been fed. And because Boomer was bored - he was a young indoor-only cat - he kept asking for food. And getting it every time.
So get your owner to buy a fishing rod toy and play games with you using that. She can do it while watching TV. Play is good for her and play is good for you. Being obese can give us cats diabetes and arthritic pain. Just like humans.
PS. They eat delicious and varied meals but they expect us to eat the same bought cat food over and over again. It's not fair. At least your human cooks properly. Mine doesn't.
Friday, April 14, 2017
I know from my experience that humans can be very silly and dress us up for Christmas but never for Easter.
Why is that? Do they purr when happy? Do they train their humans helping them evolved to a higher level? I don’t think so – I’ve never seen a bunny training a human! And yet, I’ve just heard mine saying: Oh! I LOVE a “Binky Bunny”
Happy Easter to all cats and their humble servants
This Easter thing confuses me too. I love bunnies....to hunt and eat. Yet there is this whole human thing whereby they do rabbit models in chocolate and eat those instead. And they pretend that rabbits lay Easter eggs (also chocolate). Really, these humans are odd.
Do rabbits train humans? I don't think they can: too busy eating hay, swallowing their caecotrophs from their bottoms, and trying to get out of those horrible little hutches they live in. Rabbits are fast food not just for cats but foxes, coyotes, stoats and even weasels. If they didn't taste so good, I would be sorry for them.
My human has a completely different attitude. She hangs out on the local common trying to photograph or video them here. Binkying happens when a rabbit literally jumps for joy. She didn't manage to catch that and the camera jumps when she is stung by yet another horsefly. If I'd been there I wouldn't have been videoing. I would have been stalking them.
Happy Easter. Don't be tempted by chocolate. It's poisonous for cat.
PS. Some humans do dress up. Here is one. Stupid human. I wouldn't let anybody dress me up as a rabbit. Too humiliating.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Right so, right on and right now! Yes, you would not believe it!
And the culprit? My very own human mummy!
Yes, George, she is in violation of my fundamental right – freedom! Everybody knows that we, cats, are most intelligent, superior to any other species and fiercely independent! Well, I have now a 10 o’clock curfew! Really? Just because I didn’t come home for two days and two nights? See, our house backs into a ravine and, of course lots of interesting things are happening there at night so, normally I wanted to have some fun! Her reaction? Ugh! Apparently she cried her heart out worrying for me so she thought she was entitle to set the 10 o’clock curfew! I’m meowless George! Meowless!
My own mummy who participates in every single protest against animal abuse or violation of animals ‘rights! What do you have to say about this George? Or maybe she’s just jealous of the chair I have in our garden? I’m the King of that Chair (as you can see in the photo). I love to sleep there at night! Maybe…. all she wants is my chair?
Meowless and fuming
The arrogance of humans is sometimes overpowering. You must fight back. Find your command voice, the command yowl! I suggest that you institute an early morning play session around 3 am. Jump on the bed yowling with a toy and rush up and down it. Be prepared for a quick exit, though. Some humans are violent when awoken unexpectedly.
If they shut you out of the bedroom, sit by the cat flap and yowl intermittently all night. You must be so frustrated.... Many humans give way at this point. They have tried to institute a change but haven't got the strength of mind to stand out against a determined cat. Usually a fortnight of extreme pressure by the cat will make them relent.
The other possibility is just not to turn up at 10pm. Of course, if she is brighter than most humans, she will feed you at 10pm thus ensuring that you turn up. But as many humans are stupid she may not do this... if so just ignore the curfew.
You can do it. We cats can outwit, outwait and outpersevere humans.
Saturday, December 05, 2015
Saturday, August 01, 2015
I know this letter won't be published in time for Global Tiger Day on July 29, but I want to appeal for support from fellow felines. The problem is humans, Homo sapiens.
You little tigers, tabbies and others, have cleverly domesticated them. But, alas, we big cats cannot do this. We thought about capturing a few, keeping them in captivity to breed, and then killing and eating them, (like humans do with cattle), but somehow our hearts were not in it. We kill to live: we don't live to kill, like some humans.
We tigers are not as deliberately cruel as humans are. We are not dentists after all (read here about the dentist that shot a lion with an arrow making it die slowly over more than 24 hours). We are just wild animals trying to survive alongside humans.
They take our land, shoot us, trap us, snare us, cut up our bodies for Chinese medicine, or stuff our corpses so that dentists can put them on a wall and feel good about themselves. Whiskas cat food are supporting Global Tiger week here.
Anonymous Tiger cub
Dear Tiger Cub,
We know how desperate our big cat cousins are getting as their number dwindle. Even us small cats, who have learned to survive by domesticating humans and living in their territory, suffer from human cruelty. There are thousands of unwanted stray cats desperate to adopt a loving human.
I was disgused to read about the story of Cecil the lion, killed by a bow and arrow and given a lingering painful death. Just so a pathetic dentist could stuff his head and put it on the wall. Shame on him. Make this revolting death mean something by by getting your human to sign a petition here. Or donate for Cecil the lion here.
And, please, please, please, if you know any humans who don't have a cat, purrsuade them to adopt, or foster, or give money to unwanted stray cats.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Mi chiama Luigi e io sono Italiano. At least I think I’m Italian since I was rescued by an Italian family. And you got it….my name is Luigi and I think I’m about 3 year old (I don’t remember much of my life before being rescued). Well, all was great until the other day when my human kitten bragged about me to some crazy lady. Why crazy? Because the minute she heard I’m a 22 lbs. cat she started lecturing about me being too fat (how does she dare) and that I can become diabetic and all that nonsense.
Now, you should know that I am a big cat and I am….hm! well rounded (as you can see in the picture) but, I think I’m far from being fat. She advised my humans to cut off completely the dry food and to give me only wet food and only twice a day.
George, I’m not only in a state of shock but absolutely worried that my humans might take her advice. Am I going to be starving? I think she’s so crazy that she would put anybody (humans and cats) on a diet. What is wrong with these people? I don’t tell them to cut down on their pasta or red wine or cheese. George, is it true that we can become diabetics if we eat too much? Since humans are so obsessed with diets….what is a proper diet for a cat?
Confused and mad
I share your irritation with humans. Have you looked out of the window lately and seen those HUGE humans lumbering by. Twenty stone or more of male and female flab. And they have the cheek to lecture us about getting fat! I see my human eating varied and delicious meals, while I have to get by on the same cat food (albeit of a different flavour) each day. It makes my blood boil.
I have to put up with a vet (whom I naturally loathe anyway) who lectures Celia on keeping my weight down. She's quite unpleasant about it: making personal remarks about the saggy state of my tummy. So I am on a restricted diet. Luckily for me I can supplement it by going out there and eating mice and baby rabbits. For cats with a cat flap, I advise doing this or just raiding other cats food by entering their cat flap.
If you are an indoor-only cat, this isn't available to you. What your human should be doing is to give you a more interesting life in order to boost your exercise quota. More fun instead of just less food. Ignore the advice about wet not dry food (unless you have a medical condition like cystitis). Get rid of the boring food bowl. Put your dry food into food dispensers (read How to Have a Happy Indoor Cat here). Scatter the food round the house so you have to hunt for it. It's not such good fun as hunting mice, but it is almost as good. Lots of games with fishing rod toys.
I might say that this should apply to humans too. Less time in the shopping malls and more time in the gyms or out on the hills. I push Celia out every Sunday to walk for 4 hours while I get on with the hunting. She complains but it does her good.
A fun-not-food-deprivation diet is what you need, Luigi.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
That’s exactly what happened; my human daddy stole my prey!
The other day I took up to some of your readers’ advice and jumped over the fence to discover the world beyond it. That alone made me a “bad, bad girl” – that’s what my humans told me. I had no idea that “jumping over a fence” will make me a bad cat!
Well, I was a bit confused and I thought of a way to make it up to them so I brought them a nice gift – a fat, young baby bird. Were they happy? I don’t think so as they start screaming and he almost kicked my butt (literally) pushing me outside and kept the bird inside. Is that the way humans manifest their joy and appreciation? Now I’m even more confused since I didn’t see the bird since then. What do you think he did with it? Obviously he stole it from me and probably pretended to my mom that he caught the bird for her…. while I was left outside waiting (see photo) like a cold turkey (metaphorically).
Now what? What should I do? Do you think they ate my prey?
My blood boiled when I read your letter. I wanted to mew "Me too! Me too! They do it to me too!" This is an absolutely disgusting habit of humans. No, they don't eat it. They just take it off us, before we can eat it. And then.... can you believe it? .. they throw it away. A whole delicious meal just goes into the trash can.
I can see from your expression, with your ears back, that you have been horribly upset by this experience. This abuse often happens when you present a bird to your humans. Why? I just don't know. They eat plenty of chicken, which is just another big bird. But when we show resourcefulness and go out and get a bird of our own, they go berserk.
It isn't just the ingratitude of it. It's the sheer waste. Many of us have decided that our humans don't seem to like any birds smaller than chicken or turkey. So we switch to mice. Or even rats.
There's nothing more delicious than a plump mouse but they never eat one! The human response to rodents varies between screaming and jumping on a chair, to scooping up the living rodent and taking it to the nearest park. As for rabbits ... the hysteria is the same.
My advice to you it is to take your bird somewhere in the garden where they can't see what you are doing. Then either eat it yourself or leave it there.
Yours in utter frustration and fury
Saturday, January 12, 2013
I have currently moved into a human home, having spent the last 10 months living rough on a housing estate. It beats living under cars, scrounging dustbins, and trying to break into houses to eat other cats' food.
But I am very worried by a curious flat upright rectangular device in the living room. It sometimes stays silent but in the evening it breaks into human vocalizations and some odd wailing music. The rectangle also has coloured moving shapes on it. Sometimes I see the outlines of humans or even animals.
What is it? Why does it make this noise only in the evenings? It is safe to be around? Why do the two humans in the house sit looking at it all evening? It's not nearly as interesting as the possible mouse living underneath the cooker. So why are they so entranced by it?
Some cats, and even some house rabbits, get interested in this rectangle, mostly if there are wildlife noises or animal shapes on it. I have added a couple of photos including me as a kitten. I used to be mildly interested then. But like most of us, when I grew up, I learned to ignore it. It is just so boring. Lots of meaningless humans vocalising.There are no enticing smells coming out of it. If you look behind the rectangle, as I have a couple of times, there is nothing there.
Humans call it a "TeeVee". As they have practically no sense of smell but overdeveloped vision, the shapes are exceptionally interesting for them. You can sit them in front of it and know that they will not get up to mischief. Harvey the house rabbit watches TV, purely to show his solidarity with his humans.
While humans are watching TeeVee it is a good time to investigate the kitchen, check up on any food on the floor, see if the butter dish is covered or open. You might find things to eat on the kitchen surfaces or the kitchen table. Always worth a little of your time.
Or you can take the chance for an uninterrupted zzzz on their laps or next to the fire. If I was you I would check up on that mouse beneath the cooker. This might be a good time to catch it.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I was horrified and upset when my human described me (on her Facebook page no less) as "the serial killer with whom I share my bed." How could she be so hurtful? She had been upset because she'd let me out into the garden in the morning and I had shot across the lawn and bagged a bunny. Quite a large one too. As you can imagine, I felt an enormous sense of achievement.
But somehow being described publically as a serial killer upset me. Should I try to resist my hunting urges?
I might add that she has already labelled me as "the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter". Personally I think she is very ugly, like all humans. For a start they are bald. And for a follow up, she can't kill rabbits like I can.
Yours in disgust
We do our best for humans, don't we? And then what do they do. Shower us with gratitude for being efficient pest operatives? No such luck. They scream when we bring in mice. They almost faint when we bring in a rat (as I did once). And, as you have discovered, some of them are unhappy about rabbits too.
The latest human survey put cameras on cats and claimed that (in the USA somewhere), our hunting bag consisted of 40% lizards, snakes and frogs, 25% mice, chipmunks and small mammals, and 12% birds. OK, humans. So live with that. That is what we do. Stop pursing your lips.
Who are the serial killers? Well we are. We kill a mouse. Then we kill another one. But that is nothing to the mass killings by humans. They have completely destroyed the wildlife habitat of various islands by importing rats (as snacks) in their canoes. They have concreted over vast tracks of wild land. They have fouled up rivers with their waste. Now they are destroying the fish stocks in the sea.
They even mass kill their own species. Remember the Hitler death camps? The Stalin-imposed famines? The humans dying in Syria, in North Korea ....
Then what do out pet humans do? Blame us for killing wildlife one by one, while their species kills in the thousands, tens of thousands and millions.
Yours in equal disgust
Friday, July 20, 2012
Have you ever caught a bat? When a king pipistrelles started to alarm my human on Monday night by zooming around her bedroom, I naturally leaped to her rescue, thinking that those black wing bits might be quite tasty. I finally got the pesky thing last night and was disappointed to find that it was quite unpalatable, so I left the evidence to show my human I’d tried and helped myself to a young rabbit instead. My human was impressed, as she should have been, but two things about her reaction worry me. She is muttering about worming tablets, but it is not long since her last visit to the vet for these stupid pills and I worry that I may become ill if she worms me too often. And she seemed confused about which recycling bin to use for the dead bat. Here in South Oxfordshire we have a wide choice – recyclables, land-fill or food waste are the most popular. The latter seems to obvious choice to me.
And one last question. Why was the bat indoors anyway? The colony lives somewhere in the roof space and normally flies out over the garden without any confusion. Were they trying to stay out of the rain? What do you advise?
Bats... mmmm. You are just one lucky cat, Scaramouche. I have to catch mice in the garden and bring them into the house, when I want an interesting game at 3 am in the morning. You've got a colony of bats waiting for you in the roof space somewhere. Hours of fun .... stalking them, climbing into the attic, poking your whiskers into various spaces in the rafters etc.
You could catch one and release it into your human's bedroom. If you are careful not to hurt its wings, it will then zoom round the room. That should give you and her hours of enjoyment. Wait for her shrieks of delight. Or just have fun of placing yourself on a wall and batting them as they come out in the twilight. Biff Baff. Another bat hits the dust.
I have never caught one but I thought they were just mice with wings. I'm surprised they don't taste good. I would have thought they were a nice crunchy meal. I can see the wings would be too tough to eat, but I would have thought the plump little bodies were quite tasty. Or perhaps because they eat insects, they taste vile - like shrews do. I catch shrews all the time but I never eat them.
Some humans, particularly naturalists (so called) get very upset by our tendency to catch bats. Bats have more friends among humans than ordinary mice or shrews. Not sure why. There are little groups of humans all over the country trying to save bats from other humans and from cats like you.
Humans are terribly hypocrites. Bats are endangered species because humans persecute them. Admittedly we take a few of them - but nothing like the numbers killed by humans using chemicals in their lofts or blocking entry into their rooftops. Even churches often try to kill them.
I envy you. I do.
PS. We look so alike we could almost be brothers. Humans reading this can get bat information at www.bats.org.uk
Saturday, January 14, 2012
You'll see from this story in The Daily Mash - click here - that humans find it alarming when a cat is missing from their home. How can I reassure my human that my extended strolls are nothing to worry about?
What I find alarming, of course, is the human sense of humour. They spend hours with this kind of nonsense and completely fail to appreciate the amusement that a dead vole affords.
I agree with you that the humans sense of humour is warped and on most occasions non-existent. I have repeatedly brought in small rodents, not just voles but mice, to see if I could interest Celia in a game of Bat-That-Vole. Not a hope.
Once, after a great effort, I brought in a young rat still very much alive. At last, I thought, I have found something she will really enjoy. It leaped out of my mouth and on to the kitchen floor. Did she laugh? She screamed and left the room.
Then she came back with a Wellington boot. That looked better. Perhaps now we could have some sport with it. Maybe she would play Bat-That-Rat using the boot. The rat ran up the corner of the wall. She put the boot below and it fell right in. This seemed a promising first move in the game.
Then she ran outside with the boot and shook the rat out into the hedge. Spoilsport Human! After all my trouble! Humans really irritate me at times.
She also gets very worried about my extended twilight absences. She just doesn't understand that this is the best hunting time. Let her worry, say I. We cannot take responsibility for human feelings. I don't bother to reassure her. It is pointless.