Showing posts with label human behaviour patterns. Show all posts
Showing posts with label human behaviour patterns. Show all posts

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Celebrity and fame - will it change me?

Dear George,
I am now a celebrity - two huge pages about me in the Daily Mail. Possibly more to come from the Daily Express. A whole book title devoted to me - Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. Admittedly the title is awful but the subtitle about how I rescued my human is acceptable.
I am mentioned on the internet and I am something like 7000 in the Amazon rankings for the UK - well, the book is. But the book is me.
Do you have any tips on how to handle fame? Do you think it will change me from a home-loving mousing cat, into a show cat? Will humans treat me differently?
Yours anxiously,
Tilly.


Dear Tilly,
You are experiencing a change in status which occurs to many cats. Most of us feline bloggers - and there are thousands now -- become celebrities. I consider that I have been a celeb since about 2009.
The temptation is to give up on your human. I know I went through this phase. I looked at Celia and I thought: "Who is this little person? This non-celebrity human! Couldn't I do better?"  I started sneering at her. Well, I have always sneered occasionally, but now I began to sneer almost all the time.
She seemed beneath me - not just below me due to her humble status as a mere Homo sapiens (LOL), but below me due to her lack of public recognition. Nobody knew who she was. She got no fan letters, no interesting emails. She just didn't have a public.
My attitude was a mistake. I admit it now. I got too big for my puss-in-boots. Luckily, she continued to serve me, feed me, act as doorkeeper, bed warmer and general factotum. I started to see that, while she was inferior both in species and celebritydom, she had her place, her humble place, in my life.
It is the mark of a gentlecat to be kind to inferiors. As you cope with the fans and the publicity, keep this in mind.
Yours sincerely,
George
PS. Mousing has never lost its appeal, despite my fame.

Saturday, July 07, 2012

Finger snapping - not-so-good and mouse in the house - wonderful.



Dear George,
I don’t know if it was the Full Moon or your game with that artificial mind but we had quite few problems with our male human this week. But, first let me introduce myself! I’m Blackie (right) and my brother is Spockie (below)! We live with our adopted human couple and their two human kittens. I could easily say that we are a happy family! 
The only problem we have lately is “communicating” properly with our human daddy.  He is a computer wiz but has a very limited vocabulary! He doesn’t meow….he snaps fingers! One snap – the human kittens go up-stairs! Two snaps – cats go downstairs! Can you imagine this? Spockie takes off right away but I prefer, for most of the time, to simply ignore him! 
Now, we have another crisis! We got a mouse in a kitchen cupboard; in fact - confirmed by the loud screams of our human mommy! We were very excited to do what cats do! The human kittens were quite thrilled too to be part of the hunt….but our “human daddy” didn’t want us on top of the counters! What a pity! How does he think we are going to catch the mouse? Would he design some software or new application for this? Or is he expecting the mouse to open the door and say “hey, come get me”!?
George, what do you think we should do? Is it possible that our “daddy” got an artificial mind and maybe the wrong software installed in it? Or maybe he got a virus?  Can an artificial mind go bad? But, most important - how can we train him to meow?
Teaching him to meow correctly is of paramount importance!
Waiting for your advice!
Blackie


Dear Blackie,
The effect of computers on the human mind is troubling, very troubling. I understand the fascination of the mouse (I will get to the real mouse later), even though their computer mouse is hard, cold and smells of plastic. But what of that odd screen, rather like a TV only with tiny mouse tracks running across it.
They stare at it for hours and hours. I like to see humans doing human stuff but this is an obsession. Worse, they are ignoring us. 
I suggest a sustained campaign of interference with this activity. Both of you should interpose your body between the human and the screen. Lie on the keyboard (I do this - it's not too uncomfortable). Walk on to one of the digits so there is a trail of tracks like this one --wwwwwwwwwwwww...
The finger snapping behaviour (possibly brought on by computer obsession) should simply be ignored. Go downstairs by all means but never ever when you hear him snap his fingers. Training out this irritating snapping will take some time (humans have poor cognition)  and you should allow about six weeks before the activity stops. Be aware that in the first week he will snap his fingers more often and more frantically than before. This is known as the extinction effect as the pet tries even harder to get attention and results. 
I don't think you can train him to meow. Humans do not have the power of feline speech. They are dumb creatures. You have to accept their limitations.
Now the real mouse. Aren't you lucky little cats! Many happy hours of hunting lie ahead. The best times will be while your humans are asleep. If you are fortunate enough to catch the rodent, don't forget to run upstairs and deposit it upon the double bed. Your humans will be delighted at this thoughtful gift* and proud of your pest controlling success.
Yours
George.
PS. On second thoughts, having deposited the mouse on their bed, scram. Instead of being grateful, some humans are violent.





Saturday, June 23, 2012

There's no people like show people for hip dysplasia, obesity and bad hair.



Dear George,
Recently I took my daddy for a walk since my sister, Cayenne, was busy with her visits to her chiropractor. We came across a big advertising sign about a “pet show”. I thought it was a show about our human pets; something like Miss or Mr. Universe, the stupid thing where humans show the world how silly or ignorant they really are. Well, I found out to my complete dismay that the show was about dogs and cats, not humans! I understand dogs being eager to obey and become overnight stars like that little dog in the movie…..but cats? CATS rule the world, we run quite few prime ministers’ offices, and we are associating ourselves with intelligent and well trained humans. We do not need to be put in a cage and have ignorant people looking at us and asking stupid questions. I heard someone saying: “why the cats’ owners are not so friendly?” or “why the cats don’t look happy like the dogs?” This type of questions shows that when it comes to human ignorance….the sky is the limit! First and foremost; we do not have owners! We own all and everything! We trained our human pets to not be friendly! Second – who can feel happy being in a cage and kept for hours “on display”? Only dogs and humans!
George, I think we all should unite and do something against this type of shows.
What do you think?
Love
Fluffy
PS. I attached a photo of an unhappy royalty at the show instead of mine!

Dear Fluffy,
Lovely  photos of fed up cats. No wonder. Cat shows are so booorrrrring.  That ginger Persian looks really cross. He's probably been in that cage for hours and hours. And all he sees is ridiculous humans walking up and down and staring at him. Then he's taken out, handled by a stranger on a table, and generally demeaned in the eyes of all the other cats. No wonder he's had enough of it. 
 And the humans. My dear Fluffy, you have no idea of the sheer ugliness of the species until you go to a cat show. Many of them have obvious genetic faults -- hip displasia, soft palate troubles (worse than the ones afflicted Persians), blood disorders, arthritis. You name any disorder or ugliness - humans that go to cat shows have got it. I blame it all on the passion humans have for breeding. They will purrsist in mating at random when everbody knows that humans should be neutered and spayed.  
 Don't let your human go anywhere near a cat show again. He might get the idea of putting you in the pet classes. Can you believe it? Cats that are put into cat shows have to endure being washed. It's not just hours of boredom at the show; there are also hours of boredom at home while you are washed, brushed, teeth cleaned, and generally messed about by humans. Meeeow.... There's no people like show people - unbelievably awful.          
Yours George.            
PS. My human secretary is a bit unreliable due to her mate being very ill. She's also written a book titled Tilly the Ugliest Cat in the Shelter. Tilly intends to reveal her feelings of outraged privacy about it - probably next week or the week after. 

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Look at our wonderful cat walk!


Dear George,
We are sending you some photos of our cat walk. Before this exc
ellent bit of wooden architecture was installed, we had to balance on the top of a precarious fence. This made our human nervous for our welfare. (She calls herself a cat behaviourist - the cheek of it). So she built this and we admit it is an excellent idea.
It makes an excellent walk way up and down the garden. There are resting stations at various points, on which we can loll, roll and even sleep. We can also use it for proper supervision of our human’s gardening attempts – we don’t want to miss a chance to use the fine tilth litter area she digs (she calls it a seed bed).

And of course, we have joined Neighbourhood Watch. Nothing happens in the cat world that we cannot see. And because we have such a stable resting place, we can see off intruders.
Yours truly,
Nimai and Syama.

Dear Nimai and Syama,
Clever idea. Humans are such dumb creatures so it is always a pleasant surprise when they make a big cognitive leap forward. The walkway is a short step for cats but a giant step for humankind.
It's all down to inspiration, of course. We cats can sometimes inspire great cognitive efficiency in our humans. I see (from the link) that your human has studied cats. Poor darlings. Mine has done some of the same studies she did. Mine has studied long and hard. It's so sweet. And I can still so easily outwit her! LOL.
Now I look at your cat walk, I think it would also fit inside a human house. A range of walks like this would give valuable vertical space for indoor only cats. We cat flap cats can always run up a tree if we need to look down on our humans (so healing if we are feeling down hearted). Indoor cats sometimes don't have much vertical space.
So, you indoor cats reading this blog. Entice your human to the computer to read this. And get them working on some nice wooden walkways.
Love
George

PS. The photos are Nimai and Syoma's copyright.


Friday, January 27, 2012

Fat cats of the world unite against bankers.


Dear George,
You have frequently expressed your outrage at the judgmental use of the term ‘fat cat’ to describe an exploitative and possibly criminal rogue capitalist. Now I have discovered this photo on a viral marketing campaign by those Occupy people. This is the photo.
I worry that our humans, whose intelligence is, as we know, so very limited, will blame our chubbier associates for the collapse our
the world banking system. If we marched upon St Paul’s and occupied their tents, do you think they would be more sensitive?
Yours in the struggle,
Scaramouche.


Dear Scaramouche,

I share your outrage. Not a day goes by without more appalling photos of cats with a certain embonpoint. There's now a whole website devoted to photographs of disgusting humans on Wall St with large cats (I will not use the word "fat" to save the cats concerned embarassment) photoshopped on. Is this website funny? Not if you are a cat.
My friend Pusskin is particularly worried that some idiotic and unfeeling human will steal this photograph, showing him relaxing at home, and put it next to an unpleasant be-suited human. He is a cat of impeccable character, unlike these Wall St spivs, and has nothing to do with banking whatsoever. He is extremely upset that some of the cats on this website look remarkably like him.
Can I reassure him that his reputation is safe? Or that the reputation of any felines of a large size will not be ridiculed. Or even blamed for the collapse of the European economy? I have heard from some Greek tabby and whites that they are particularly anxious. Admittedly most cats in Greece are slim, due to having to scrounge a poor living. One or two of them, lucky enough to find agreeable humans, have put on enough weight to make imposing figures. If the Greek banking system collapses, will they be at risk? I cannot offer much reassurance. These are worrying times for our reputation.
As you so rightly say, Scaramouche, the limited intelligence of humans (bankers in particular) makes one fear the worst. Should we march upon St Pauls and occupy the objectors' tents? I personally am against this idea. Tents let in the wet and are extremely cold. Possibly we could purrsuade the bankers to do something for us, for a change - structured feline fundholdings, special cat derivatives, collateralised moggy swaps, convertible default special purpose entities? Or just plain free cat food....
Yours with rising anxiety
George
PS. Harry Spotter has added this campaign to his list of political talking points. See this campaign grow at http://spotandfiona.blogspot.com/

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The power of laughter and play to train a human



Dear George,

My name is Zoe and I came from a shelter as my daddy’s birthday gift. I love my new home – it is a big, beautiful house with many sunny spots where I can take a nap or just relax. I’m allowed to go in any room I want to but I’m not allowed to sleep in the master bed yet! But I am happy! They even share dinner with me! So, you might ask why I’m LOL? Well, when they came to pick me up at the shelter…I overheard mommy saying that SHE is not a cat person. Aha! Look at me (in the photo): in less then a week I had her wrapped around my little paws. Now…..she’s in love with me! Of course I make her believe that I’m all hers J and…. this is my little secret (daddy knows)!

But George, I need to learn more tricks to keep her wrapped around my little paws; I have to take over the master bed too! See, I’m young and cute but I don’t have much experience. I’m sure you can help; any ideas, suggestions?

Hugs

Zoe


Dear Zoe,

Congratulations on adopting two new humans from rescue. It was particularly kind of you to choose the female, even though you heard her say she wasn't a "cat person." Sometimes that kind of human gets overlooked by cats thinking of adoption and a new home. These humans haven't been socialised to cats. But, as you are discovering, it is surprisingly easy to rehabilitate them and change their basic attitudes towards cats. All it takes is a little basic training and behaviour modification.

You have started well. The very first essential in any behaviour modification programme (or bmp as we human behaviourists call it for short) is to create and strengthen the bond. The human must look to you to get its needs met. What are these needs? In my opinion humans are starved of appropriate touch, vocalisations and play. We cats supply their cravings for stroking, rubbing, purring, laughter and play. That is how we reward them with our very presence.

Now that you have got her craving the rewards that only you can give her, you can start the secondary training. You need to get her used to the idea that you will visit the bedroom. Little by little. Don't start at night, as she is obviously still anxious about sharing a bed with you. Visit the bedroom during the day, have a little sleep on the bed, or, better still, if she is in the room jump on the bed, lie on your back and give a very enticing wriggle. Few humans can resist either laughing at you or tickling you when you do what is known as the "social roll." Many humans also enjoy it if you play kitten games while they are trying to change the sheets.

The idea is slowly to get her used to the idea that you get on the bed. We academic cats call it "habituation" and "counter conditioning." Instead of worrying about fur on the sheets, she begins to associate you and the bed with laughter and play. Finally, once she is fully at ease with that thought, wait for the moment when you can sneak on. It might be when she takes a nap one afternoon. Or perhaps one Sunday morning when she is drowsing later than usual in the morning.

Jump up quietly. Lie down in a convenient area and purr very very loudly. It usually works and a few weeks later you will be installed as the third person on the bed. Let me know how you get on.

Love George



Wednesday, October 05, 2011

I'm putting my secretary in the veterinary clinic



Dear Feline Readers,
Well, after about four years of regular blogging, I shall have to step down for just this week. My secretary has been ill and needs a surgical operation. On the grounds of human welfare, I have let her off this Saturday's blog. Instead she is helping me put up this notice.
Human pets are essentially unreliable. It is part of their inferior lifestyle that they get all kinds of infections and diseases. I know she hates going to the vet, and even more hates being put into a veterinary hospital. "It's for your own sake," I mewed. She didn't understand me, of course. Poor dumb creature. You can't explain things to them.
Back a week on Saturday. She has been told she can type then.
George.
PS. This is me trying to get that damn blackbird last summer.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Why is Richard so mean to me?

Dear George,
I’m lost in confusion and I need your help. I’m a pure breed or so I was to
ld, apparently expensive too. I got to my new home (a while back) where I was welcomed by “hisses” from no other then Richard, self-named the Lionheart. At the beginning we lived in separate rooms but now we share the house; he is my brother (not my choice). We play a lot but he always wants to rule – he thinks he is the king! I think he is such a mardy! I’m a young, cute kitten and I think he should be nicer to me. When my human mommy is not around I’ve been called ET (whatever this means) or “ugly”. Richard is making fun of me by saying that I’m a “pure breed experiment gone wrong”
He says that he’s “the wild and handsome one”! This is cruel.
What should I do? Should I tell mommy?

Confused
Luna

Dear Luna,
I blame your humans.... they probably thought Richard would like the company. Humans are disgustingly and undiscriminatingly social. They eat together and hang out together all the time. It's quite horrifying to see them in a sort of pack. Irresponsible socialising is their thing. And they think we cats are like them.
Well, we are not. We don't hang out in packs. We might hang out with another cat if we had met in kittenhood but, even if you think Richard is your brother, it is unlikely. Where is your hair? Besides, if we cats are allowed to mate with whom we choose, a litter of kittens can have several fathers. (Humans reading this should remember the survey which suggested one in five children was not fathered by the man who thought they were his! So no sneers about promiscuity, please).
Sometimes we do learn to be friends with other cats: sometimes we just remain aquaintances. Richard was quite rightly upset when a small intruder, you, turned up in his territory. Luckily your humans are not as dumb as most of their species and they introduced you the right way. Richard will eventually calm down (as long as the humans don't punish him) and you will work out a relationship which allows you both to live in the same house. Have patience. Be confident in the feline ability to adapt to most things.
Rolling on your back is a very good idea. It will show Richard that you are not going to pounce on him. And, if things got really bad, you have all four paws with claws to fight him off.
Love
George

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Wicky Wuudler, the wit and wisdom of a great cat.



-->
Whicky Wuudler, famous character on the feline blogosphere, has passed away. I am in mourning for a great cat.
It was Whicky, with his ironic and post modern comments on this blog, that taught me so much about how we cats should think of humans. He called them “apes.” Perfectly correct terminology. Homo sapiens (don’t laugh at that last word) is part of the primate family and one of the Homidae genus which include other great apes. Whicky’s instinctive grasp of the correct term reminded us cats that humans are only animals – and not very nice ones at that.
He campaigned ceaselessly for proper human training. “The reward of purring should always be earned. I agree that cats should make the apes work hard for a purr., I like to make the ape work hard for even the smallest purr. Be careful though, apes can become quite emotional from purr absence, thus making them ever more grateful if I relent and offer the odd rumble. Remember, grateful apes = 100% subservient apes.”
Another bit of Wicky wisdom was an alternative training method, use of the miaow. “Apes are simple creatures, but they are easily reduced to mush by use of the most powerful weapon a feline has. The Silent Miaow. Just open your mouth as if to miaow, but don't make a sound. Make sure that you are looking up at your ape, keep your eyes wide open - expectant and innocent, try looking slightly pitiful as well. Then let the ape have it. It works every time, your ape will instantly attend to your every need and forget about use of that pointless ape word "no". The Silent Miaow must be used wisely lest the ape becomes used to it."
Whicky, or Mr Wuudler as he occasionally signed himself, was sound on feline basics: “Humans need much supervising in the kitchen. There's another way to ensure that a cat gets to do plenty of "cleaning up". Once the human has served the meal and is wending their way to wherever they want to eat it, wind yourself around their legs until they fall over and the meal lands over a wide area of carpet. The human will get up and stagger off to find cleaning items. When they return (limping) they will be so grateful that you have cleaned up the spilt food for them.
Also, never forget to swipe the bacon from an unguarded bacon sandwich. This is my speciality, a bit like the magicians who whip the tablecloth from the laden table without disturbing the place settings.”
It wasn’t just his wisdom. It was also his wit which made his contributions so valuable. Of Larry, the cat at Number 10 Downing St, he wrote: “Larry has his work cut out for him. The head ape at No. 10 is making life hard for many pets who reside with apes. Shelters are full already and recession means more pets to be dumped at shelters. Yep, Larry is a brave cat to take on ape training at No.10 “.
He also campaigned for an end to the cruel declawing of cats in the USA (see a Facebook page here) and the plight of homeless, starving and unloved cats everywhere. Whicky with his wonky ear was larger than life. Farewell, Whicky. We shall miss you.
George Online Cat.
PS. The photos on this blog are copyright from Everycat blog where more tributes can be found http://everycat.blogspot.com

Saturday, April 09, 2011

Difficulty educating humans

Dear George,

It has been a while since I last sent you a letter but I was busy trying to educate my human pets with, I must admit, not much success! Considering your expertise in human intelligence I need few tips to handle my daddy’s questions. Not that I cannot answer his questions, but he drives me to the edge of darkness! How many times do you think a human can ask exactly same questions? Any guess? Of course not! But, I can tell you that the symbol is that horizontal 8 (yes – Infinite). So, George, here are the questions – may be you’ll be able to answer in such a manner that he’ll understand.

The first is: “why are cats knitting?” followed by his “rationale” – I bet no one knows!

Of course we know; cats are highly intelligent, well educated and well versed in almost any topic!

The second is: “why does she (he means ….me) squeeze my hand while purring”?

Asking such question is absolutely insulting, don’t you think so?

But what drives me insane is that all this time my “mum” is giggling giving the impression that she’s somehow superior and knows! Bet she has no idea! Human arrogance! The other night he asked again, so, I looked him in the eyes and asked him: “why do cats purr, daddy”? He didn’t know! He still stares in nothingness! Can you believe it? George, do you think there is any hope with my humans? They are agreeable pets after all.

Love

Fluffy


Dear Fluffy,

I won't dignify human idiocy by giving them the answers in this blog. Education should involve the student finding out knowledge, not just being given it in spoon fed form. (Trust humans to need spoons: we have the natural spoon of the tongue.). So put your thinking caps on, you human readers, and see what you can do with these interestingly enigmatic questions.

How can you handle your human's questioning? How can you remain calm when these questions are repeated over and over again, due to the limited nature of the human intellect. The answer, Fluffy, is compassion for lower forms of life. Humans are evolutionary dead-ends, lower down the tree of life than us. Their function is doubtful (destruction of our world perhaps?), the cause of their behaviour even more doubtful (we cats haven't managed to put them into a neuroscience lab yet), their life development (ontogeny) mysterious as they seem to remain for ever childish, and how they evolved this way (phylogeny) downright weird. They are down there with the bower bird and the peacock.

Makes you wonder if the Higher Feline Power, which we cats call Cat, designed them as a sort of joke. That's the other way to handle their insistent questioning: laugh. Humans think we don't laugh but we do. Ours is an inward and rather superior chuckle.

So, if you remain compassionate, let yourself laugh silently, you will manage to keep your temper. Alternatively, sit on his head or bite his ankles. There's nothing wrong with a bit of claw and order discipline in the feline classroom.

You have beautiful eyes. Beautiful.

Looooove

George

P.S. This question was answered rather late as my secretary was busy digging a large litter tray for me (which she called a seed bed) in the garden. Must get out there and use it, otherwise she will be hurt.



Saturday, December 11, 2010

Can cats make friends with other species? Even humans?

Dear George,
Can cats make friends with animals other than cats? These photos, which were sent to me by the human pets of the late Oscar Snuggles, suggests that they can. Of course the most obvious example of friendship across the species barrier is the feelings we have for our own human pets. But I am told there are cats that make real friendships with dogs and even sometimes with house rabbits (though one would want to ask the house rabbit for his opinion to ensure there is no other motive). What do you think? I am just at the stage of increasing my bond with a human.
Matilda Purr.

Dear Matilda,
Yes, there can be true friendships between the different species. It looks as if that is what is going on here. It's not unusual for animals to bond with a different species, if they were brought up together. The famous racehorse the Darley Arabian had a feline friend, who threw herself on his grave and died from grief. Some of us, if we were brought up by dogs, understand dog language and even groom our canine buddies. Some are even friends with house rabbits, the big one
s that would fight back if we attacked them.
We cats will often su
ckle other animals if we lose our kittens. In Victorian times a popular street performer was a man with A Happy Family, a cage full of animals that would normally fight. The animals grew up together and therefore were bonded from a very early age. You can read about this in a classic Victorian book, London Labour and the London Poor
Personally, I would like to turn the tables. What about an experiment with a larger cage with a family inside which included, a tiger a wolf and a human? I dream of the day when zoos contain humans in cages, and we animals stroll round eating nuts and commenting on them. "Oooh look at that one. He's got a lot of hair. Oooh look at those two! What are they doing?"
And of course, there are our human pets. It's friendship but not an equal relationship with them. As the superior species, we have to take try to train them. The apes, as Wicky Wudhler calls them, don't have the temperament or the intellect to cope unless we take them in hand.You can cuddle up to a deer without a second thought but if you do that too easily with a human, you spoil them. Humans need discipline.
Some of them have behaviour problems such as not opening the door for us, refusing to give us food from the table or even pushing us off the kitchen surfaces. But more often or not, their funny little ways can be very endearing at times. A cat's best friend can be its human - but only if it is properly trained.
Yours
George

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Cats Behaving Badly - No, No, and No.

Dear George,

We, Cayenne and I, got the book, Cats Behaving Badly, and we LOVE it. Thank you so much! I totally understand if you’ll be upset with us for praising Celia, but the book is excellent. We know Celia stole your ideas but she is a woman of great wit and charm. The book is funny and educational, full of tips and advice.

We loved especially the hilarious real cat stories. I rolled over my back and laughed.

I’m still laughing – as you can see in the picture.

Cayenne liked the most the story about Charlie, the black and white cat with several homes. Smart Charlie! And Celia…..what a team player – she never “spilled the beans” about Charlie’s secret. Kudos to her. I liked the story with the cat that re-homed himself in another village just because he didn’t like the humans. But, I felt bad for the two Siamese cats that had to be re-homed; why people don’t think twice before bringing us home? Humans – not very smart!

George, I really think you should be proud of Celia. After all ….she’s your secretary and her success is your merit. You trained her well. Ah! Lovely picture of you and Celia on the cover.

Love

Fluffy


Dear Fluffy,

I am not proud of her. I am boiling with rage. I particularly loathe the title. Cats do not behave badly. We behave in natural and appropriate ways when dealing with a low life species like humans. The very idea that we behave badly shows that the woman does not know her place. She appears to think humans can train and manipulate cats, when the opposite is true. Humans behave badly and we cats either outwit or manipulate them. There is no excuse for her sheer ignorance.

I am working hard at my own book. I intend to outwit, outpublish and generally out do her. When my book Obedience Training for Humans is on the best seller list and her pathetic volume is right down the amazon pick of the books list, that'll larn her. She has to learn the simple lesson that ALL cat owner should learn which is we own them, they don't own us. No human has ever truly "owned" a cat.

Worse still she has opened a Facebook group titled Cats Behaving Badly, so that disgusting humans can post photos of us cats doing quite sensible and natural things.

Finally the woman is still failing to secure proper internet access. I have told her I will bring in a live rat for her and she can catch it (if she can) and put it through the letter box of the local business which supplies her ISP. Rat to rats.

Love George

PS. Don't buy this book. I hate to admit it but it may slightly alter the balance of power towards human. I condemn this utterly. I can't stop the woman adding another photo - I tried biting but didn't time it right - so she just ignored it. She is utterly shameless.




Saturday, October 23, 2010

My not-so-new new cat house


Dear George,

I can not stop laughing at how silly humans can be! The other night I heard my “people” talk about buying some new furniture and getting rid of my old cat house (since ….dah! it is that old! stupid!)

I heard my daddy saying that he’s going to throw away the cat house!

What? Is he crazy? First of all…..this is not his house, it is mine! Then, I heard my “mommy” saying “don’t through it away, just leave it outside - what if they want to go inside”? I could not believe when I heard him saying “what for? They never got into this house”. Hey, buddy! You just made my day!

SOOOOOO! The minute he took the cat house outside …..I “jumped” in and start purring

and …..slept in the house all day”– as you can see in this photo.

I and Cayenne take turns at sleeping in the house outside!

Now, guess what! We have a cat house inside and a cat house outside…and I’m looking for many more to come J))

But, George….I still feel like punishing my daddy! What should I do?

Love

Fluffy


Dear Fluffy,

Congratulations on a very effective way of teasing your human. We cats can do this for almost every kind of cat equipment and the more expensive it is the better. A new and costly item appears in the house - a cat basket, a cat bed, a cat house, a mouse toy, a cat gymnasium....

The classic feline tease goes like this. Stalk over to the new item and inspect it carefully. Sneer. Sneer again. Walk away with an offended and lofty air and refuse to go near it. Ignore all maladroit human attempts either to stuff you in it (scratch) or to lure you in with food (wait till they have left the house to retrieve the cat biscuits!).

Stage two is to find something old and shabby. Use that instead. Sit in the fruit basket, the laundry container, the discarded computer box, instead of the new cat house. Play with a dessicated pea which was dropped on the kitchen floor, or with old newspapers, or discarded paper clips instead of the expensive new toy.

Wait. All cats can outwait all humans. Wait for months if necessary.

Then - when you hear them discussing getting rid of the by-now-not-so-new item - whisk inside it. Play with it furiously. And watch their amazement and irritation. A simple game for a simple species (not us, but them).

You have outwitted him already, Fluffy. But what about punishing him by sitting on his head when he is trying to sleep at night? Or just wake him at 3 am by chasing an imaginary mouse (originally she mistyped this as house) over his body.

Love George

PS. Human secretary says ISP access still unreliable. I say human is unreliable.



Saturday, June 12, 2010

At cat is better than a man.... purrsuasions.


Dear George,
I am concerned about my human, Denise. For a week or so she has been off-hand and uncaring towards me. She arrives home late after work, often smelling of alcohol. Last week there were two occasions when she failed to come home until the early hours of the morning. She smelled of male human - you know, that pungent male smell so different from the pleasant female smell. She greets me as if I was no longer the centre of her life. She does her household duties of cleaning the litter tray and putting out more food in a hurried and careless manner. She spends a lot of time vocalising in to the phone in a meaningless way and far less time vocalising to me.
How can I put right our relationship?
Hobbit.
Dear Hobbit,
In normal circumstances most human females know that a cat is better than a man - more graceful, more agile, taking up less space in the bed, and much much cleaner.
But I am afraid your human is showing signs of being on heat. In humans this isn't the monthly physical reaction that we cats understand, know and tolerate. (How much easier it would be if we could just spay them!) It is an emotional thing. Humans, unlike cats, are eager to mate throughout the year. They have no proper seasons. Instead of coming on call (the correct term), hastening off to the nearest group of males, and having a night on the tiles with several of them and getting it all over quickly, humans have a much more drawn out mating ritual.
The likelihood is that Denise has met some male that she fancies. The return in the early hours of the morning means she has spent the night with him. At least she has the good sense to come home, shower, dress and do her household cat duties before leaving again for work. And at least she hasn't given him a home.
What can you do about it? You need to counteract this with a mixture of guile and firmness. Treble your normal greeting rituals. Greet her with loud and pathetic meows. Rub all over her. Crawl all over her. Roll on your back. Generally give the impression of a cat who has suffered intense loneliness in her absence. (Yes, I realise you have probably had a nice day visiting the neighbouring pensioner who feeds you on the sly but she does not need to know this.). Leave some of your food uneaten. Give an unending number of sad looks towards her. You know the score.....
It is a worrying time for you. I will keep my paws crossed for a happy outcome.
Love George.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Am I the cat from outer space?



Dear George,

I’m the cat from nowhere and my name is CAT!

I simply appeared one sunny day in some people’s garden. I have no memories of my life before this occasion. They think I was few months old when I showed up in this tree in their garden.

However, I must have excellent training skills since my new human pets really behave.

If, in the beginning they were somehow afraid of me and debating if they should adopt me (ha! they were lucky I adopted them) now, after few months, they don’t talk or care about anything else but me!

George, could I possible be an extra-terrestrial cat? Am I an alien?

CAT


Dear CAT,

We cats all have the ability to appear from nowhere. One moment we are not there. The next moment we are there. The right kind of humans marvel at this feline ability. We can disappear within seconds and none of them know where we went or how we did it. This just one of our everlasting mysteries.

Are we aliens? Not really. Unlike them, we are embedded in nature. We are at one with the fields and the gardens and the shrubs and the trees. We can survive without humans (unlike dogs that are completely dependant on them) on uninhabited islands. We don't need human trash or human food to thrive. We are part of the mysterious animal world, that lives in the balance between species and between prey and predator.

Human kind are the alien species. They fight each other to the death (very rare in nature and very rare indeed among adult cats). They exterminate species from the face of the earth - the big cats of the new world, mammoths, giant sloths, the dodo and the passenger pigeon. They killed them all. And they blame us cats for killing birds when they are slaughtering thousands not one at a time, by concreting over the habitat, draining marshes and cutting down forests.

We do our best to civilise humans by adopting them. We hope, if they learn to love a small carnivore like us, they may become more tender hearted to the rest of nature. We try to educate them into the world of balance. We show them how to do less, notice more, and stop rushing, hurrying, and becoming slaves to money and status.

Thank you for adopting your humans, CAT. If they are beginning to love you, then you are bringing out the best in them. This species needs to learn to love. And we can help teach them.

Love George.


Friday, April 02, 2010

Easter and those bunnies....


Dear George,

You must be pretty busy this week with your secretary away to college. I think you are too kind to her! I know she’s in your employment for a long time but….I can assure you there are lots of bunnies and kittens out there willing to work for you. I’m not saying that Celia is not doing a good job! Probably she does; but…..think of all those kittens - how purrfectly fit for a secretarial job J

George, I can’t get over the fact that she left you alone before Easter!

Hope she’s in London buying Easter catnip eggs & bunnies for you. I know I’ll get lots of gifts this Easter! Tutu, my bunny friend is not that enthusiastic. Guess….being a bunny is not easy around Easter time. But no one will hurt her!

George, I have a question! I heard my humans saying that we’ll play “eggs hunting”. What is “eggs hunting”? Do cats really “hunt” eggs? Is it similar to “hide and seek”? My friend, I’ll give you a “high five” (see photo) if you’ll answer my question in time.

Wishing all cats, bunnies and their humans a safe and Happy Easter!

High five

Frederico


Dear Frederico

We cats should probably make it a condition of employment that our humans stay at home throughout the year - no absences "on holiday" or "on vacation"; no weekends away from home; working hours 24 hours a day. But we don't. One of the responsibility of human ownership is to make sure our humans have time for themselves. Not too much time for themselves but some time. That is why I allow Celia (for the time being) four weeks away each year for education. She is doing on the job learning - applied animal behaviour. This will be of use to her in her job looking after me.

But it is very inconvenient, all the same. I put up with it but I do not like it.

Easter eggs do not interest me, at least not the ones made of chocolate. The real eggs, oblong with a hard casing, and with delicious yellow and transparent glutinous liquid inside are far better. My predecessor, Fat Ada, had the skill to bite through the egg packets, and then bite through the egg itself freeing the delicious liquid inside. She had learned this during a spell on the London streets, where she also learned how to stand up and pull down a dustbin (of the old metal kind). I have had a crack at egg opening but I have never managed to do it. I have to wait until one gets spilled on the kitchen floor.

Rabbits seem to be more visible at Easter but I know it is not a good time for them. So many humans just buy one and bring it home and then keep them in a small tiny hutch. If you are interested in rabbits look at http://www.rabbitwelfare.co.uk They have a Make Mine Chocolate scheme. Of course - I hope Harvey doesn't read this - I prefer the real thing.

Love George

Friday, November 20, 2009

Help! - my beautiful Hollywood cat career in ruins


Dear George,
With the current economy being so slow both Cayenne and I decided to help our humans increase their household income!
So we thought of different sources of revenue such as "modelling", "knitting", "hunting", "lulla-purrs for kittens'' CD, 'yoga for cats"video - something we'd enjoy and yet making money. We had quite a few good ideas but none was as tempting as a commerical for panetone. Panetone is a sweet Italian bread that you cat eat "as is" or with coffee, milk, etc. Some humans will have it with cappucino; some with red wine! Anyway we created our own little scenario, music, decor, etc.
I was soooooo excited, but.... Cayenne ruined it all!
The day we were supposed to do the comercial, I realized that my sister Cayenne gained too much weight (probably snacking on panetone), so we won't fit in the box together as we were supposed to. The whole thing was a fiasco!
Look at me in the box, so lonely and sad! What kind of ad is this?
Who would want to eat panetone now? And the worst thing is that Cayenne is laughing! But if she doesn't lose weight fast.... she is going to ruin by career (our mooomy won't let me go alone to Hollywood)! Please help!
Love Fluffy.


Dear Fluffy,

You look beautiful. Any advertisement with a cat in it is a good advertisement. Human beings are programmed to notice animals more than anything else. Evolutionary psychologists (dedicated to trying to find out how human brains are programmed by evolution) have experimented with showing flash pictures of animals, buildings and cars. Even though these humans are fixated by cars and houses (in the UK, at least), they notice animals the most. This seems to be left over from the days when humans were as clever as animals, and spent time trying to avoid being eaten and trying to find animals to eat. In those days they were like intelligent cats.

Since then they have become like naked babies (neotony is the name for that). They have lost their conscious abilities to think as sensibly as we do. So don't worry about it, Fluffy. You look wonderful in that box. The humans will notice you maybe even if they don't know they are. The only problem might be that they forget to read the name on the box because you are so much much more attractive than panetone.

Are you sure that Cayenne WANTS to lose weight? And are you sure you WANT to go to Hollywood? Apart from The Cat From Outer Space (a Burmese) there aren't great career prospects - though maybe readers can add some more cat movies.

I think we all ought to be on YouTube.

Love George


Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org