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Saturday, June 22, 2019

June 24 – Cat World Domination

Dear George,
I’m sure you know that June 24th was officially declared the Cat World Domination Day. It was declared by a wise cat, Sparkle, on her birthday (I think it was in 2012).
Since then Cat World Domination Day is celebrated with gifts, toys, treats, fun videos and photos and it is getting better every year! I would dare to say that this is the most important cat day there is!
As you very well know we are plotting for world domination since ancient Egyptian times if not for longer! We purrfected our humans to be humble, obedient servants who adore us no matter what we do. We got them wrapped around our fuzzy little toes; hypnotize them with our beautiful eyes, use our cuteness to make them give in to our demands and outsmart them when we need their computers to communicate with other feline friends in cyberspace!
Now that we have conquered the world I ponder (as you can see in the photo attached) what else is left for us to do, what’s next to be conquered?
George, you are such a wise cat; a distinguished feline, a true Maestro!
What should we plot next?
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
Our continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no cat has gone before... Outer Space? The Milky Way? Or maybe the Universe, Gizmo? 
When I contemplate how we cats have taken over every land and island in this world, I am humbled by our own genius.
Yours
George

Saturday, June 15, 2019

How to deal with noise in the living room

Hello George,
I am interested to know why humans listen to some awful noises on a machine in the lounge (which is supposed to be a comfortable and serene area to relax). The odd time it sounds okay but sometimes I find it very upsetting and it causes me to react to show my displeasure. A cat I know demonstrated his displeasure by spraying one of the boxes the noises come out of! I think this got his message across very well! It is harder for me to do this as I am a girl. Are there any other effective ways you can suggest to demonstrate my displeasure? I am willing to carry out any instructions you provide to keep the lounge as it should be; a second bedroom for my slumber! If I let my humans get away with this what else will they try to get away with? It could be the beginning of a long slippery slide and I want to nip it in the bud! I look forward to your advice!
Yours
Gracie

Dear Gracie,
Girls can spray and do spray too. Particularly feisty females who want to send a strong message to their humans. Even nose-blind humans get the scent message when we spray. And there's something enticing about spraying on electrical items or even on electrical plugs. 
They don't just give off a noise: they give off an interesting plastic warm-up smell, of which humans are totally unaware.
That said, spraying is the ultimate weapon. It's almost the equivalent of the nuclear option for humans. It doesn't hurt humans but it upsets them dreadfully and can ruin the cat-human relationship.
So just Turn off, tune out and drop into sleep. 
Remember we cats can sleep anywhere - here are some photos to remind you.
Yours George 
PS. I adopted this motto from the l960s hippy one -Turn on, tune in and drop out. Hippies knew how to relax even if their drug problems were awful.

Saturday, June 08, 2019

Feline party time across the pond.

Dear George, 
I don’t know about you but I’m in a party mood as we are ready to start our season of “summer garden parties” here, across the pond! As you can see in the photo attached I have the glasses and silverware ready but I’m having second thoughts about the menu! Should it be “finger food”? Buffet style? Mixed with my humans? They are big on summer parties. I’ve already invited few of my neighbours but I didn’t decide on the menu yet! I’m thinking maybe some lizards, grasshoppers (even if I’m afraid the humans will eat those as there is a real push for it in changing humans’ protein source) and, of course some juicy mice! 
The problem is that there are no mice around! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood and mice are a “no-no” which will make them an absolute delicacy, an ultimate extravagancy on my menu! If I go for having mice on the menu that means I have to stay up few nights in advance and eventually wander off my neighbourhood in search of fresh mice! By the way, do they freeze well? What do you think George? Should I be eccentric and adventurous or should I let my humans cook and then just share their barbecued meats with my friends? Hmm!
Tough decision!
Your advice, please!
Yours….in good party mood
CAT Victoria 

Dear CAT Victoria,
In order to get your humans working properly, the easiest solution would be to share barbecued food of the kind they, not you, are used to. Many of the neighbourhood cats will enjoy stealing a hot sausage off the charcoal and levanting over the garden wall. Or just giving that wonderful feline imploring eye, which induces humans to cut off a bit of meat and hand it over.
Most Western humans are still uneasy at the thought of serving insects, reptiles and rodents - though these are on the human menu elsewhere in the world. Locusts in sugar are sold in the Far East and guinea pigs are enjoyed in South America.
If you must have mice, get your humans to buy these from a pet shop where they sell frozen food for snakes. You can choose from pinkies (no fur), fluffies (just a little fur) and big furry ones. My human once served these to me when I was temporarily anorexic and after defrosting they tasted just as good as the real thing caught in the garden.
Yes, mice freeze very well. But, even if you can stockpile mice bringing them into the kitchen, can you purrsuade your human to freeze them? My human just throws them out even before I can eat them! 
Yours 
George
PS. I have added a photo of my friend Tilly stealing a slice of dry bread.
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Saturday, June 01, 2019

If it fits, I sits...

Dear George,
I must admit that I love boxes and bags and I don’t really think I need a reason or an excuse for it! I think every normal cat does but my mummy is quite perplexed by my liking or what she calls “my obsession”! However, she does her best to provide me with a variety in any color (black in the photo attached). She also does a lot of research to learn why cats love boxes and bags! Quite amusing, isn’t it? Here are few example of what she learned so far:
  1. Cats like boxes because they are cryptic animals and they like to hide (I think this is a good one)
  2. A box will give a cat a place of safety and security (hmm! I agree to some extent)
  3. Boxes or bags provide cats with a cozy, safe places to sleep (of course, since we sleep between 16 to 20 hours a day)
And the list goes on! All this fuss about boxes and bags makes me laugh!
Mummy should know by now that understanding a cat’s mind is notoriously difficult but sometimes our logic is quite simple…like in this case: if it fits….I sit! That simple!
Shumba

Dear Shumba,

I love them. Keyboards, books, the backs of armchairs, newspapers and high shelves are all fun. But boxes are best. My friend Tilly and Tanni like them too.
I particularly like hanging my head outside the box. There's something about boxes that brings out my originality.
You are so right. If it fits, sit in it.
George



Monday, May 27, 2019




Dear George,
It’s me, Gizmo, again! I took your advice and left the postman alone but some days can be a real drag! Boooooring! So, I was thinking how could I have some fun? What should I do? Then boom! I got this brilliant idea to catch and bring inside a little mouse – just for entertainment!  Well, it didn’t go as planned because it happened that mummy was home that day!
Her reaction when I left the mouse free in the house? Priceless! I’m “meowing out loud” as you can see in the photo attached. First she jumped up on a chair and then she started “negotiating” with the mouse (with a childish voice): mouse, please don’t jump on me!
Please, go away! Let’s go out – I’ll give you some cheese”! I was speechless (still laughing)! Who has ever heard a human talking to a mouse? Definitely not the mouse! The poor thing got so scared that it run and hid! That’s when my troubles started! Mummy looked at me furious and said: now, you stay here and catch that mouse and take it out! Wow! She meant it!
She was fuming! So, now I have to be up all night and find the mouse! And God forbid to harm it because my mummy is a big animal rights advocate! She’ll never forgive me! George, how the heck am I going to take that damn mouse out without harming it? Any advice please?
In trouble,
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
We have all tried to please our humans by giving them a present of a mouse. Or a rat. Or even a bird. We have done our best to please them. It just doesn't work. Ever. So stop trying.
What do you do next? You wait till 3am and then start hunting carefully hoping to sniff out the mouse. Then you settle down to ambush it. When you have caught it, as you will if not the first night then the second or third, do NOT take it to show your human.
Humans react very badly indeed when we jump on the bed with a mouse in our mouth... very badly indeed. They may become violent. And the mouse may escape again.
Admittedly this gives you the pleasure of recatching it for the third time, but your relationship with your human will suffer badly. So dispose of that mouse quietly. Preferably eat it. Or if you want to eat only half, leave the other half outside if possible.
Yours sympathetically
George



Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org