Saturday, December 16, 2017

Human kittens -- strange smells, weird noises. How to cope.


Dear George,
I didn’t write to you in quite some time so, please forgive me! I was busy moving from a flat to a big house! I wanted more space to move around and have more closets for my selected wardrobe so I put my “paw down” (as you can see in the photo) and asked my humans to find a better place.  But, I have learned the move came with a big surprise! 
Apparently I’ll welcome my human sister in the Spring! I’m talking a human kitten!
That’s big time competition to me! George, as much as I love to see my humans so excited about their kitten I don’t want to lose my Alpha status nor do I want to lose my privileges! So, when and how do I start training the human kitten? Before even being born is….too soon? Right after birth…should I start purring to her? George, help!
Mia

Dear Mia,
Disruptive noises and strange smells ... but we have to put up with them, as we cannot (so far) neuter humans.  It will help if your humans help you get used to the noise in advance by downloading this track and playing it very very quietly then slightly louder while you are eating something nice.  They should do this the month before the human kitten arrival so you can get used to the noise.
Your humans should also put in place the new human kitten care routine, before the human kitten arrives, so you can get used to it. That might mean differently timed meals, different places for bowls and litter trays and one room with a door that is shut.
You will find that before the arrival, your male human will come back from hospital smelling odd. If he is a sensible pet, he will bring back something smelling of the human kitten and allow you to investigate it. That way when the wriggling bundle of human fun arrives home, you will be used to its smell. This will help.
Finally, the wise thing to do with a new human kitten is never to investigate it unless your adult human pets are there in the room to protect you. Never share its bed or get too close to its jerky movements. Advice for your humans can be found here. Human kittens are, to be brutally frank, retarded. After eight weeks we can cope with life: it takes years for a human kitten to be sensible enough to train properly. 
Well, it is what it is - you will adapt and even come to love it.
Eventually..... Some Feliway Classic might help too.
Yours
George. 
PS. I am working hard on my new book which will come out in February. 

Friday, December 08, 2017

The Universal Language of Cats


Dear George,
I live in a big metropole and, I humbly must admit I live the life of the riches!
Really, I am a rescue who got the chance to live in a Four Season Hotel suite!
But, that’s not the reason I’m writing to you! The reason is that I’m afraid I’m losing my mind and I don’t know if it’s because of the luxurious life I’m living or if it’s because the electro-magnetic/microwave pollution of the big city or what! How am I manifesting my symptoms? Simply….I think there is a Tower of Babel ….in my head!You see…Italian is my mother tongue, my mummy speaks French and my daddy speaks English. They have friends who speak other languages. When we have company …everybody is talking to me in their mother tongue and I DO UNDERSTAND them all!
Isn’t that crazy? How can I understand all these foreign languages?
George, can you explain this to me before I completely lose my mind? Or is it that we are so advanced that cat language transcend any other languages?
Completely confused
Signore Bianco

Dear Signore Bianco,
Of course you understand what humans are saying - in so far as it is worth bothering about. The feline communication system is multi-faceted involving scent, vocalising and body language, far more advanced than the human one. Using those three senses we read our humans. (Admittedly like reading a book for very young kittens as most of their language is unnessary blah).
We read their body language much better than they read it. We read their tone of voice with an ability much better than theirs. We read the way their scent changes with their emotions and we read the family mixture of scent - hers, his, and mine.We can detect if they have been stroking another cat half an hour ago or which supermarket they went to (they smell different).
Human beings only understand vocalisations.  And because their other senses just don't work, they have to do an awful lot of vocalising in different languages. But we read what is behind or underneath the words: so we don't have to bother with the exact way they vocalise. Much of what they say is very boring anyway. Poor nose blind creatures!
Yours 
George.

Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, www.celiahaddon.com This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online VetTechprogramms.org