The feline path to serenity. May all your humans get fat.

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Dear George,

Looking at my photo…you may think I’m meditating but, actually I’m praying!

I’m praying to God! Why? Because that’s what one does when in disappear.

Lately I have been criticized for being too fat, that I’m eating way too much or too fast or that I’m eating like it’s “no tomorrow”. Well, who can tell if there is going to be a “tomorrow”? Don’t they say “live in the moment”? That’s exactly what I’m trying to do

and I’m being chastised for it?  So, I pray to God that if He can’t make me skinny….then, make all my friends (including my humans) fat! George, don’t you think this is the right thing to do? Let them put on some pounds and see how hard is to lose them.

Yours in God’s grace

Lenny

Dear Lenny,

Humans underestimate the superior spirituality of us cats.  Only a very few of them - Florence Nightingale was one - realise that by imitating a cat, humans can find their path to inner peace. 

Here are some of the inspirational characteristics of us cats. We live in the moment. We do not obsess about the past: we rescue cats move on. We do not become emotionally dependent upon anybody or anything. We understand serenity and we know peace. We also intuitively know how to handle things that baffle humans - rats, for instance. When we are happy, we play like kittens.

Here are some of the things we don't do. We don't rush around getting and spending. We don't care about or for money. We don't drink alcohol and the only drugs we use is catnip, which we use in natural moderation. We don't fuss about weight. We live our lives with a kind of natural modesty. 

I hope your prayers are answered and that all your humans become fat.

Love George.

Graff - a wonderful and amazing soul.

With much sadness we have to announce that Graff, a wonderful and amazing soul, crossed the Rainbow Bridge; he was 18 year old. Graff lived one episode of abuse when he was a kitty but warmed up to his human parents who rescued him and lived a happy life. He was very attached to his "mommy" and she loved him unconditionally.
Most evenings they shared a couch and he enjoyed sitting on her lap "watching" TV.
Sometimes he watched a soccer game with his daddy!
We lovingly called him Moshulica or Vechio (which means "oldman" in Italian) since we could tell he was getting older.
He still enjoyed "scratching" his favorite tree even if it took him longer every day to get there.
He was very much loved and he'll be greatly missed by both his human parents and catsitters
"Our Moshulica" - you were such a wonderful soul; we'll miss you!
Hope you are scratching a tree up in heaven.
           The catsitters

Don't shove me through the cat flap..... puzzling human behaviour

Dear George,
You will never believe what Mummy's gone and done now!!
Last Sat, a strange man came and shoved my head through a plastic hole, a lot of banging followed, lo and behold, when I went to go out,t here was a very strange looking flap there!? Honestly!!.
Said it would stop other car coming in but I wasn't having it. She did hold it open for me to get out, so I did that one night, but no way would I come in, whatever treats I was offered. She even tried to push me,gently through!!.
So, next day, I found it tied open. So after driving her mad, I came in, but I think she's had to take the batteries out!!.
Last night, at 3.30 am, I was so hungry, I pushed it open and woke her up and was she excited!!! Worth it, so see what happens next.
I have been very loving as she looks so tired and worried, and haven't seen the horrid cat in my home any more. So perhaps, he doesn't fancy the plastic hole.
I wonder why they can't leave well alone. Cost £140 to supply and fit.
Love
A puzzled Tobyxx.

Dear Toby,
Humans never leave well alone. They are addicted to change - changing furniture, changing bedclothes, changing what they wear over their naked skin, change their work routines. We cats like an unvarying quiet routine but most of us don't get it, because of our flibbertigibbet humans.
Cat flaps. Don't get me started. What we need are human flaps that we can control. Imagine being able to keep your human in, when you wanted, or push him out when you wanted a bit of quiet time. Human flaps, or cat-operated doors, would be such a blessing.
You did right with the cat flap. Humans should never shove us through a cat flap. It is demeaning and frightening and who could like a cat flap after that?
Standard operating procedure for cats with a new cat flap is never to use it. Make the human think it has wasted its money. Then just before the human is going to dismantle it, use it. Never fails! After the anxiety and stress, the human literally falls at your feet with gratitude. And gratitude often means more food.
As for being puzzled.... you need to remember that humans, though endearing at times, do not think like we do. They are a very limited species.  If you bear that in mind, you will be less puzzled by their ridiculous behaviour.
Cheers, Toby.

Purrfect Kitchen Cleaning Services Ltd.

Dear George,
We are a team of two young and enthusiastic entrepreneurs. Our business is to clean any food left in the kitchen. We are thinking of registering a company with the above title….just in case other members of the feline community will need our services. Why Ltd. (limited)? Because some people are very bad at leaving any food out or they would leave out junk that we can’t “clean” (like ketchup, garlic powder, chili peppers, etc.) We are fine observers (from higher up levels) of both kitchens and people as you can see in the photo attached.
We inspect any surface or dish in the kitchen looking for bits of bread, meat or any other “people food” that cats may enjoy. However, being so young…we must admit…we don’t have enough experience when it comes to sneaky (please read sophisticated) people who are hiding food in all places.
That’s where we need your help and expertise George. For example – where is the food from the big plate that Jasper is sitting on? We’ve seen the smoke, the vapors and the smells coming out of “this” thing but when we looked to see what’s cooking….nothing was in there (people call this thing a hood?). Myself, Riley, I’m up and above to see what’s up there ….but, there is nothing again and I can swear I’ve seen our human mommy hiding something up here.  Also, how can we open locked cabinets and what do we do with the food we found in the “cold” big box we managed to open? Brrrr! It was cold and full of frozen meat! Ugh!
Waiting for your tips and tricks!
Yours,
Riley and Jasper

Dear Riley and Jasper, 
I have a cleaning routine. First I patrol round the floor looking for anything that fell off the higher surfaces. Next I leap on to the kitchen surfaces and check these out too. You will be surprised at the crumbs and tidbits that you find.  If you are in luck, there may even be a plate to lick. One one glorious occasion I found an open bowl of semolina pudding. I ate - apologies - cleaned up most of it.
I have never mastered opening a closed wall cupboard, but if you look carefully you may find one that isn't entirely closed. Insert a cautious paw and pull it open. Then jump on to the shelving inside. 
For floor level, try another technique. Fling yourself at the cupboards. They may swing open in reaction. The big freezer boxes? If you are strong enough to pull out a frozen chicken take it away somewhere to defrost. The fridge is easy. Plenty there to clean up if your human is unwise enough to leave the door ajar.
And help recycle the trash! Some people have a recycling food box on the kitchen surface. Edge this off and with luck when it falls on the floor the top will open. Recycle this inwardly. For a larger trash can, stand on your hind legs and pull it over with your weight while nimbly leaping to one side at the last minute.
The hood - normally a waste of time, but it is fun to sit there and survey the cooking. As for you, Riley, that high up retreat is fun but usually you won't find much food there either.
Happy kitchen cleaning, boys.
George.

Claws and clippers - an official complaint from Australia

Dear George,
Can you have a quiet word with your Human about claws and clippers?
Nothing sarcastic, mind - just gently point out that some humans [and I include mine amongst them] should never be given access to machinery or tools.Your Human, whom I am prepared to concede has been highly trained and certified by you – gave my Human a set of cunning and devious pointers on how to approach my beautifully clawed feet, and trim my carefully honed daggers which have taken MONTHS to perfect.
Ye Gods...what was she thinking?
Anyway....my paw was held; [a skill I already had, thank you very much]-and I got my treat... and then held again while this gadget thingy was picked up. And I was off, before even snatching the treat she was holding out for me.
 Back to square one.......
I held hands; sat up and said “Please”; let her hold my paw; watched her hand sneak towards the damn thingy again, and I was whistling off into the sunset again.
I can play this game as long as she can, but my complaint to you, George my friend, is that I keep missing out on my treats, due to having to take off and gallop away all the time.
Not to mention, it’s tiring and wasting quality treat time. The Dog thinks I’ve gone mad, and chases me around the lounge and upstairs, telling me to “just sit and have it done, you wimp,” like she does. Not a chance......
Back to you, Chum – a quiet word is definitely required.
I didn’t also mention that the first thingy was changed for a different thingy...but she’s still not getting near my feet with it, so there!
 It’s pretty cold here now, and I am missing out on lap time as well, not to mention having to sleep with one eye open, in case.......
I am retaliating by shedding more fur all over the place, but all that’s done is make them go out and get another small screamy, sucky thingy, to clean it up with. It’s a scary little beast, and can get into small spaces where I have been able to deposit huge heaps before. Not impressed George...too many gadgets!
Your Aussie mate    
Chaos.

Dear Chaos,
This is an official apology for my human. Poor Celia thinks she trains cats, while all the cats she has ever owned have trained her. Compared with us, she is a really poor trainer. Like all humans she suffers under the delusion that she is in charge of us, when really we are in charge of her.
Continue your behaviour around the clipper. Your humans will soon give up their pathetic attempts. They do not have the feline level of purrsistence. We can outwait and outwit our humans every time if we keep our cool.
Missing the treats. Develop a "cute" behaviour for them. Sitting up on your backside or waving a paw when food in around. They will probably give you some and then every time you want some, you do the behaviour. This is called reward training or operant conditioning. They give you food and you reward them with the cute behaviour.
If only humans knew....
Yours George
PS. If you have a good scratch post (or outside tree) your claws will look after themselves to your satisfaction, if not to theirs. It needs to be large enough for your full height and very stable. I have a Fat Boy post.