Cats on the terrace of my home..where will it end?

 

Dear George:

 Ever since I came to this house -- in a pigfood bag, but I'm not complaining, not for the moment, although I'm not forgetting -- I've quite liked it here. For a while there was a much older cat and he was kind but he wouldn't wrestle. Then he was blind, and then after a year he wasn't here any more. So when this old yellow cat arrived, bits of fur missing, one ear not really attached, I thought he would be a new friend and for a while he was. We used to butt heads and lie in the sun together. But it couldn't last...
The next door neighbour acquired a Siamese kitten and called him Fiel which means faithful which he isn't. This Fiel sat on the roof opposite and screamed, but Siamese do that. Eventually he found his way up the wisteria and came to the terrace and he hasn't really left since then. My staff were feeding the yellow cat out of kindness when they saw that I liked him, even though he only barks or hisses when they bring him food, and they went on feeding him and this Fiel. Now Fiel may be Siamese and Siamese are supposed to like human beings but Fiel just runs away or bounces off the walls or hisses like the yellow cat taught him. He won't leave the yellow cat and the yellow cat won't leave him and now they've moved into the cat house the staff made for the yellow cat and the old cat uses the young cat as a kind of draught excluder - at least I think that's what is going on. I sometimes have to rough up Fiel a bit when he gets in the way, because they're living between the terrace and my catdoor. At least neither one of them knows how to use the catdoor although they've been watching it for ages.
The staff are very clear that I am the owner of this house, the star and the beauty, but they put up with these two on the terrace who are not always respectful and I wonder how it will all end. What should I do and what should they do and how will it end? I know you know, but please tell me...

Your admirer,
Arabella

Dear Arabella,

It is thoughtless of your staff not to buy you a microchip-activated cat flap which will ensure you can come and go but neither of the other two are able. If they can't buy one in Portugal, where you live, tell them that they can get one sent from the UK - Sureflap (which works off a battery) or Pet Porte (plugged into the mains) are the brands to go for. My secretary will post one for them if there are any problems with delivery. A gal like you, photographed for Vogue I am told in this photo, needs her own safe front door. 
Your humans are obviously very cat friendly but in that lies the danger. When will it stop? First the yellow cat, now Fiel (why isn't his humans feeding him?). Goodness knows what will happen next. More starving strays? Then kittens. They will have to call in SNIP, the Society for Neutering Islington's Pussies.
My advice to you is to start being more vigilant. Humans often slip into cat addiction and it may just be that your humans are in danger of this. Moderate recreational feeding of cats is one thing: cat addiction is another. It is an illness which can lead to the horror of 25 cats in the house.
Make your position clear, Arabella. And, should more cats turn up, co-operate with the yellow cat and Fiel to see them off. Enough's enough.

Yours
George.
PS. I am none too keen on Siamese. Miss Ruby Fou, who wrote me a letter made it clear she thought I was just an alley cat. Very nose-in-air,I thought.

Why does my human take up so much space in my bed?

Dear George,
I have a problem for which I would like your advice - space on the bed. My human takes up too much space. Worse still, she is a restless sleeper, often turning over, changing position or moving her legs. No matter where I start the night, I find she is pushing me towards the edge of the bed. And I have to get up and move several times a night in order to resettle myself away from her thrashing body.
I mean, a cat just can't get a good night's sleep with this kind of human. It is most irritating. Any ideas?
Yours
Beauty.

Dear Beauty,
Proper control of the bed is one of the fundamentals of training your human. You have to take charge firmly and decisively and create a routine so that your human sleeps soundly in the area you have assigned her. A human that is moving around the bed cannot  be a welcome bedmate.
First establish the bedroom routine. Some cats prefer to take up their position before the human arrives in the bedroom. Others maintain that it is more effective to spring on to the bed at roughly the same time as your human. Still others claim that getting on the bed, after the human has started to snore, is the best strategy.
Whatever your choice, you will need to move your human into a position that suits you. This can often be done while she sleeps. Put yourself as close as you can to the area you wish to claim and lean on her steadily and consistently. A properly devoted human will usually respond by infinitesimally moving away. Inch by inch, its' a cinch.
The human that does not move - and there are a few, often those sunk in alcoholic slumber - needs more vigorous methods. You will have to wake them up. For this I suggest the purr-and-rub tactic applied to the face. Few humans will sleep if a cat is rubbing against their cheeks and purring loudly. Dumb humans think this is just affection and cannot see the strategy behind it.
Once woken, most humans will shift position. Nip into the area you want and settle down. After such a show of love, even a hung over human is unlikely to be unkind enough to shift you.
Yours
George.
PS. This blog is late because my human is exhausted.

Humans judge by looks, ability and colour: we cats don't

Dear George,
Have you noticed how odd humans are. I am three legged. I lost my right hand back leg in a road traffic accident. It was hell at the time and to begin with I found it difficult to cope. Now I can manage perfectly well. My other three legs enable me to do most of what I want - leaping on and off the bed and chairs, hunting mice, keeping warm by the Aga, rubbing up against my human, Jilly.
Yet humans have this odd attitude to me. "Poor little thing," I heard your human say. "She looks so odd without one leg. Does she manage all right?" All through this blather was a note of pity. Why are humans so obsessed with what we look like? Why pity?
Yours disgruntedly
Figgi

Dear Figgi,
Humans are visual animals. They can't hear very well and they find smelling almost impossible. The only smells that get through to them are urine, poo and sweat. Those fine smells that distinguish one cat from another, or a cat on heat from a neutered cat, or even the smell of an anxious cat.... they can't get it.
The result is that they rely too much on their eyes. Add to that they have an odd culture. (Yes, I call it culture though some cats argue that humans can't think and therefore don't have culture at all.)  They prize youth over age, the perfect body over the imperfect body. This means they discriminate among themselves against the elderly, the ugly, amputees, or those of a different colour.
They go to huge lengths to hide imperfections with injections of a poisonous substance in their faces, they have noses cut and reshaped, clothes that squeeze their shape, prostheses to hide amputated limbs etc. Among humans imperfect or disabled specimens are judged and found wanting.  They even try to do the same to us by inventing cat shows.
Cat wisdom show how foolish they are. Figgi, you are fine in my eyes. Just another cat. And I still love my pet human despite her now imperfect shape and wrinkles. She smells right which is what matters. I am sure you love Jilly, even if she is no longer a breeding human. They all look fine to us.
We really are the superior species.
George.

She was trying to make me share my home with a street cat....

Dear George,
I am writing to you with an issue I have which has been tweaking at my conscience.
I appear to have ‘jealously' issues. Over the last 6 weeks there has been a stray cat hanging about outside my home, and every time my human opens the front door he runs over demanding her to fuss him and give him some food (MY food!!!!). He seems to get around her with his pitiful meow and big sorrowful eyes, and she gladly fusses him and feeds him daily. This sends me into a fit of jealous rage and I lean out of the bedroom window and hiss and spit at him furiously.
I know that I should feel sorry for him as he is without a home, is riddled with fleas and his coat is all matted and greasy and he has no one to love him…but I want my human to love ME ALONE, no-one else. I get into such a temper whenever I see my arch enemy, and my human bears the brunt of my fury too, as I nip and hiss at her whenever I know she has fussed him…so much so that she has taken the stray to Battersea Cat’s Home in order to find him a good home (and calm me down!).
Do you think I have a problem George? …Is my jealously out of control?
I look forward to your reply.
Yours guiltily, Sidney Baker
PS – I hope you can read my writing well enough, the crayon kept slipping through my claws.

Dear Sidney,
You do have a problem but it is of your human's making. You should not feel a moment's guilt. It is your human that should feel guilty. She has fallen into the trap of thinking that cats are as promiscuously social as dogs and some humans - though I dare say she would object as strongly as you have, it if you brought a homeless street person into her home. She is completely at fault.
Of course, you hissed and nipped when she walked into the home smelling of the intruder. What decent cat wouldn't! Smell is how we identify friends and foes. How would she feel if her boyfriend came home smelling of another woman? We, cats don't share with other cats unless they are relatives and not always even then.
You have done the right thing. You have expressed your feelings consistently and punished her when appropriate. That is what good human training is all about. Now reward her with purrs and rubs.
You are already generously letting her use your bed at night. Now snuggle up closer so she realises how lucky she is to have an exclusive one-to-one relationship with a cat as glamorous as you.
Yours approvingly
George

Accompanying your human to the lavatory.... any chance of a goldfish?

Dear George,
I am a little worried about something. I have been in the habit of accompanying my human to her litter tray. I feel it is a way I can offer her support and, besides, I enjoy looking down the pan when she has flushed it. I keep hoping, as I watch the water whirl around, that something interesting might turn up - a goldfish, perhaps.
What do you think, George? Should I stop this practice? Sometimes I think she enjoys my company in the bathroom. At other times I worry in case I might interfere with her toilet habits by showing my affection.
I purr and rub against her legs.
Yours anxiously,
Bertie Catster.

Dear Bertie,
Your anxiety about human welfare has to be applauded. Some cats just wouldn't worry about it. That you do is a tribute to your empathy and responsibility to the lesser species. If only all cats thought about their human pets....
Personally, I think humans enjoy our company when they are using their litter trays. I would hate it if my human started petting me, as I used the tray. But I am not a human. Different species have different behaviours.
One great advantage of winding round their legs while they use the tray is that they will not fall over. Very elderly humans can be unsteady on their feet, and an affectionate cat can topple them very easily. Rubbing against them while they are securely seated is a way of showing affection safely.
Moreover, there is another advantage. I don't know how you feel about being picked up and cuddled. Frankly I don't appreciate it. I enjoy affection from my human but cuddling goes a bit too far. A human on its litter tray cannot cuddle. They can bend down and stroke but cannot pick us up. Another reason for accompanying them to the bathroom.
So put aside your anxieties and continue your activities,
George.
PS. Like you I have always hoped that a  fish might turn up in water.... no such luck.