Wicky Wuudler, the wit and wisdom of a great cat.

-->

Whicky Wuudler, famous character on the feline blogosphere, has passed away. I am in mourning for a great cat.

It was Whicky, with his ironic and post modern comments on this blog, that taught me so much about how we cats should think of humans. He called them “apes.” Perfectly correct terminology. Homo sapiens (don’t laugh at that last word) is part of the primate family and one of the Homidae genus which include other great apes. Whicky’s instinctive grasp of the correct term reminded us cats that humans are only animals – and not very nice ones at that.

He campaigned ceaselessly for proper human training. “The reward of purring should always be earned. I agree that cats should make the apes work hard for a purr., I like to make the ape work hard for even the smallest purr. Be careful though, apes can become quite emotional from purr absence, thus making them ever more grateful if I relent and offer the odd rumble. Remember, grateful apes = 100% subservient apes.”

Another bit of Wicky wisdom was an alternative training method, use of the miaow. “Apes are simple creatures, but they are easily reduced to mush by use of the most powerful weapon a feline has. The Silent Miaow. Just open your mouth as if to miaow, but don't make a sound. Make sure that you are looking up at your ape, keep your eyes wide open - expectant and innocent, try looking slightly pitiful as well. Then let the ape have it. It works every time, your ape will instantly attend to your every need and forget about use of that pointless ape word "no". The Silent Miaow must be used wisely lest the ape becomes used to it."

Whicky, or Mr Wuudler as he occasionally signed himself, was sound on feline basics: “Humans need much supervising in the kitchen. There's another way to ensure that a cat gets to do plenty of "cleaning up". Once the human has served the meal and is wending their way to wherever they want to eat it, wind yourself around their legs until they fall over and the meal lands over a wide area of carpet. The human will get up and stagger off to find cleaning items. When they return (limping) they will be so grateful that you have cleaned up the spilt food for them.

Also, never forget to swipe the bacon from an unguarded bacon sandwich. This is my speciality, a bit like the magicians who whip the tablecloth from the laden table without disturbing the place settings.”

It wasn’t just his wisdom. It was also his wit which made his contributions so valuable. Of Larry, the cat at Number 10 Downing St, he wrote: “Larry has his work cut out for him. The head ape at No. 10 is making life hard for many pets who reside with apes. Shelters are full already and recession means more pets to be dumped at shelters. Yep, Larry is a brave cat to take on ape training at No.10 “.

He also campaigned for an end to the cruel declawing of cats in the USA (see a Facebook page here) and the plight of homeless, starving and unloved cats everywhere. Whicky with his wonky ear was larger than life. Farewell, Whicky. We shall miss you.

George Online Cat.

PS. The photos on this blog are copyright from Everycat blog where more tributes can be found http://everycat.blogspot.com

To spray or not to spray - that is the question!

Dear George,
I am currently extremely stressed by my home situation and my human's behaviour. It has really upset me. She has brought home a new human, one who works in a veterinary clinic. Yes, one of those. A complete stranger to me. He smells of dogs, feline fear, vaccination needles and disinfectant (ironically smells a bit like cat pee). True, I have had a few scent hints about his presence in her life. She stayed out one night all night and came back looking very pleased with herself. As if the cat had got the cream, I might almost say. Now he has turned up and spent the night here. Yes, the whole night. He didn't even have the decency to mate and leave.
Shall I spray? I think it might make me feel better. And it would show her how very upset I am by her mating behaviour. What do you think? I rather thought I might do it on the unmade bed after he had got out of it.
Yours
Louis.

Dear Louis,
No wonder you are upset. The sex life of these humans is so outrageous. Any time. Any season. The females are ready for it all year round. Their permanent readiness is really disgusting to felines. We have proper seasons for it, interspersed with kitten bearing and usually we remain abstinent during the winter. Makes sense. Who wants to have kittens that die of cold. As a cat who has had the snip, I really feel sorry for them, at the mercy of their ever present hormones.
Spraying gives the message "Stop it." Or "Piss off". Or both messages at the same time. However, it is the nuclear option for us cats, Louis. It is the ultimate weapon and the final deterrent. It can go wrong. Humans seem unable to read the message - which is "I am upset". They sometimes think we are just being malicious.
So my advice would be to avoid all out final war and try to set up a training programme using more gradual rewards and punishments. Obviously you will refuse to sleep on the bed, as usual. You wouldn't get a wink of sleep anyway. Pace round it making little kitten mewing noises. Jump up on the side of your human, then shudder, crouch and hiss at the new mate beside her.
Run away immediately he comes into the house, making sure that your human sees your fear. Refuse to eat your food (you can probably get a good meal further down the street anyway). In every way treat him as if he was a cat killer. A human who smells of the vet is a killer. They call it euthanasia. I call it murder.
Sympathies,
George

When a handsome tom cat comes calling, should I let him in?

Dear George,
I just came back from a month vacation and WOW! Vegas - the new kid on the blog. Stanley – the PM’s of Canada new kitten. Blaze & Lea - the gangsta sisters! Wow! Wow! Wow! Boy weren’t you busy! No wonder you are one of the favourite cat bloggers. Congratulations!
So, let me pick your brains on a recent problem I have. Right before we went on vacation a really handsome tomcat started visiting me. At the beginning he was shy and will wait outside for me. Of course we get along very well which, I know, it’s a bit unusual but, we might even be related (we look very much alike). Later, he started coming in the house; first in the kitchen where he would eat from my plate and then in the living room where we would take a nap. I couldn’t find out if he is homeless (he doesn’t look like), looking to re-home or just lonely. My problem, George, is: how do I introduce him to my humans; especially to my female human? I don’t want her to react like a worried mother when the daughter brings home her first boyfriend!
Love
CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria
Yes, Victoria, he's handsome (see photo on the right). Humans are odd about visiting cats. They just don't think about our feelings. Some humans let in any stray cat, even when we are outraged at having to share our house with them. For, let's face it, most of us cats are very possessive about our territory. We are not promiscuously social like dogs. We don't like intruders, and yet our humans seem to think we won't mind sharing bed and board with a complete stranger. You are an exceptionally social cat, Victoria, in your attitude towards this handsome tom cat.
First, there's the problem of whether he has a home. I expect he's told you the details of why he is visiting, but because humans are so dumb, they don't speak cat language. In order for them to know the details, they should cut a strip of paper like a collar with a message saying "Phone this number". Then put this round the cat's neck with some sticky tape. A paper collar will be safe because if it gets caught in a bush, the paper will just tear. Or they could put up some posters saying "Does anybody own this cat?"
Has he been neutered? Yes, I know you know, Victoria. But your humans need to survey his backside to see if there are two little furry balls there. If there are none, he has been fixed and probably has, or had, a human home somewhere. If those little furry things are there, then he is a full tom and it's no wonder you enjoy his company. My predecessor, Fat Mog, fell in platonic love with the local stray tom cat but went off him completely when Celia meanly had him neutered.
If he is already sharing meals with you, you are half way to moving him in already. All he has to do is charm your humans. Wind round their feet. Purr loudly at them. Then show them that you and he are friends by sitting close to each other. Do the friendly cat kiss nose to nose. Sleep in each others arms. Most humans will fall for it.
Yours
George
PS. There's a good conference coming up in October for UK cat lovers and cat rescuers. Spread the word to others. Details on: http://www.eventelephant.com/apbcannualfelineconference

Cat burglary - is it a good career and what should be our swag?

Dear George,

We recently read about Dusty, the cat burgler from San Mateo, California. He became an overnight sensation! Literally…that’s exactly the time he steals from people’s houses! You can find read about him on http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2011/06/19/BAIN1JVID8.DTL

Dusty was adopted from Humane Society and no one knows why he steals or why or how he developed such hobby! He loves 2 piece swimsuits and he makes sure he takes both pieces J He was such an inspiration that we decided to follow in his steps and develop same “recreational hobby” ……stealing!

But, let us introduce ourselves first: we are the “belles”, the flames from the South – Blaze & Lea! We were born in a window well and rescued by an animal lover. Later we were adopted by our current humans. Blaze loves company and everything colorful and shining. I, Lea,…I am running away from company and I love simple things, especially a white curly ribbon. We enjoy eating together, playing together but we can easily become bored. Our humans give us unconditional love but we find them a little too protective.

Reading Dusty’s story inspired us to try having some fun and start stealing from our humans first. We could steal little things like wedding rings or watches or make-up and, then, hide them in the house, in places where they don’t go so often. We think mice and little pieces of food from dinner would be nice too. Or could this become a criminal case? In Dusty’s case all charges were dropped off and the police stopped the investigation.

What do you think George? Should we continue perfecting our plans or should we look for other ways to have fun?

Blaze & Lea

Dear Blaze and Lea,
Cat burglary, as a career choice, has a lot going for it. It is the alternative sport which mimics hunting. You can search, eye, creep up, and pounce on your prey. In urban areas, where the rats are too big and bold for most cats, stealing stuff gives a chance for natural cat activities. For indoor-only cats, it is a very good way indeed to pass the time.
It can also make you into a celebrity. The late Minnimore was named Daily Telegraph Cat Burglar of the Year in l998. He had stolen three feather dusters with 2-foot long handles, a polo neck sweater, a fur tippet, a fur hat, 6 teddy bears, 3 stuffed bunnies, a Mickey Mouse, a panda, a kookburra, a musical tortoise, a whale, a skunk, a gorilla and stuffed dinosaur. Here's a photo of him proudly bringing home the dinosaur.
Other cats have starred on TV and are now on YouTube. Take a look at Dusty known as the Klepto Kitty, or Jack who at one year old is beginning a career of crime. Click here on their names. These cats now have thousands of human fans. Who says crime doesn't pay? Cat burglars, thanks to YouTube, are now world famous!
Look at it this way, Blaze and Lea. If you bring home mice, birds and rats, like a good cat should, your humans will scream, jump on chairs or even scold you. If you bring home next door's underpants or lots of stuffed toys, they will laugh at you, video you and put you on TV. Minnimore, after the initial newspaper article, starred in a programme about wayward pets and was psychiatrically diagnosed and treated on camera. The programme claimed he was reformed and was going straight. He didn't of course. Stolen stuffed toys began turning up again. He had relapsed.
There are other interesting possibilities in burglary - frozen chickens left on the table to thaw out, chops from next door's barbecue, live goldfish from the pond across the way, even the occasional hamster.... Yes, I know of cats who have brought home all of these.
So GO FOR IT.....
George
PS. Thank you, all contributing cats, for your interesting letters and wise comments, especially Fluffy and Cayenne for their letters, Harvey for insight from another species and Whicky Wudler, he of the wonky ear, for his sharp comments. Thanks to your input, and the collective wisdom of us all, this blog has been chosen as one of the favourite cat blogs by Online VetTechPrograms.org

A kitten's cry for help.

Dear George,

I don’t know if I should be more worried about my wellbeing or my human’s wellbeing!

I’m Vegas (yes! just like in the famous Las Vegas) and I’m about 9-10 weeks old kitten. I was rescued from Humane Society by a kind human after he took a trip to Vegas.

I don’t know what happened there - you know….what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! but, I’m really happy I found a good home. My problems started shortly after I moved into my new home and I realized that my human had a very limited vocabulary. I really think that all he knows is “no”.

If I jump on the counter ….I hear “no”. If I scratch the sofa….I hear “no”. If I want to sleep on his face …I hear “no”. If I bite his fingers I hear a big “no”. What do you think it’s wrong with him? Do you think he’s having a hangover? How can I train him to replace “no” with “yes”!

Worried

Vegas

Dear Vegas,

The aim of all us cats is to demote humans from leader to follower and from owner to slave. This can be done, initially, with charm. Think human and think sneaky. Head-to-head opposition doesn't work too well for us cats. We need to take over by stealth not force.

So try some of the following. The melting upward look of apparent adoration. The roll-on-back don't-hurt-me move. The gentle nuzzle-in-the-ear move, while positioning yourself to sleep not on, but as near as you choose, to his face. A little kitten pat on the cheek with claws retracted seems to charm humans too. Another good move is to climb on their lap, then move upwards towards their face, and nuzzle their cheek or chin.

Use your voice. Purring as loud as possible somehow pleases humans greatly. So does the prrrrp kitten calling noise that some mother cats make. Tiny little kitten mews, as if hurt, usually make humans worried or even guilty. Use these noises to reward or punish. Humans are very vocal. Because their vocalisations are meaningless, they respond well to our superior vocabulary.

What else charms humans into compliance? Laughter. Try chasing a piece of paper, a fly, a toy mouse if you want their attention. Once they are looking, you can dash about the floor. Jump in the air. Investigate their shoelaces. Sit on their newspapers. Play with your reflection in the window glass.

Jumping on the kitchen counter is allowed by many humans but some stay firm on this. The solution is easy. Show no signs whatsover of being interested in the kitchen surfaces while they are in the room. Once they are out of the house, you can jump up and eat whatever you find there, being careful to jump down before they get back.

Sneakiness pays... Charm pays off well too. After a time they will be putty in your paws.

George

Prime ministerial cats rule!

Dear George,
We’d like to congratulate the Prime Minister of Canada for the latest addition to his family. He and his wife adopted a kitten from Ottawa Humane Society.
Mrs. Harper is well known as an animal lover and she always adopted cats from shelters.
We don’t know how many cats they have but probably more then one.
A poll through Mr. Harper’s Facebook page was created so Canadians could vote for a name. The winning name was Stanley (like in the Stanley Cup).
This is another victory for feline’s world. First Larry in UK and now Stanley in Canada!
He is a sweet, cute grey kitten who made it to the top and this is just wonderful news! Congratulations Stanley!
Fluffy & Cayenne

Dear Fluffy and Cayenne,
This is wonderful news. At last we felines are finding our way up to top rank of political power. We have always known that we were worth it but our humans have had an unfortunate tendency to think of us as second to dogs. At last this outdated idea is being shown up for what it is - nonsense. Cats rule!
However old habits die hard. There was an unfortunate incident last week in Downing St, when the policeman at the door of Number Ten, booted Larry into the house. Larry was merely doing what all we cats enjoy - dithering on the doorstep, while the door was held over for him, deciding whether to go inside or outside. He has already trained the police to open the door for him: now he merely needs to train a "stay" so that they hold the door open long enough. How long is long enough? As long as it takes for him to make up his mind. This will be particularly important when the bad weather comes and Larry wishes to hover in the doorway out of the rain and sleet.
Proper police training will be particularly important when he comes home with a mouse. Will they let him in so that he can give to our David Cameron? Or will they try to take it off him first? What about a rat? Similar dilemmas will face Stanley in his new home.
I tried to offer Larry some advice via a popular newspaper, but they had no space for my words of wisdom. Such are the problems for cats wishing to publish. My book on human behaviour is also stuck in the doldrums, despite it being a ground-breaking volume on coping with and training this popular pet species, Homo sapiens (don't laugh at that last word).
We cats face an uphill task but now we have paws in high places it may become easier.
George
Nice photo of Stanley on the left.

Human harassment - is the answer exercising your human more?

Dear George,

As you already know, I celebrate my birthday on Victoria Day here in Canada because that was the day I showed up from nowhere in my human pet's garden.

This year they threw me a surprise birthday party; totally unexpected since the day started a bit rainy and grey, but by the afternoon it was sunny and nice! They invited some of my buddies but they invited some of their friends too.

George, how can I avoid unwanted attention? All their friends wanted to hold me, kiss, etc. And they all brought me colorful, little balls (as you can see in the picture).

That much for human imagination! What can I do with a dozen balls?

Do you think I should use them training the humans? Should I train them to fetch the balls?

CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

Your problem is a common one. Humans will harass cats. Picking us up, cuddling us, kissing us. It's good for them but some of us find it demeaning and many of us just downright hate it. What can we do about it? Well, we can wriggle. When we cats wriggle, we wriggle good. A powerful wriggle will simply extract us from this unwanted human behaviour. I called these unwanted human advances affectional harasssment.

Will giving them more to do help? Well sometimes it does. A bored human is a badly behaving human. They are terrible couch potatoes and giving them a good exercise regime will always help. Probably the best way to do this is to get their attention to a ball. They like playing games with toys. Walk up to them and look as if you are going to play fetch. When they throw the ball, you run after it but you don't pick it up. Then they will have to run after it to in order to pick it up and throw it again for you. They think they are giving you exercise but in reality you are giving them exercise. Sometimes humans are pretty dumb animals.

Training them to fetch small pieces of meat, prawns, and dried cat food is also a good idea! You are probably, without realising it, already doing this. I get their attention by rubbing round their legs,and putting on a particularly loving and expectant look on my face. I don't feel particularly loving: I often feel very impatient at their slowness to catch on to what I want. But it works

Keep up the good work. A trained human is a happier human.

George

I am a feline love rat trying to protect my love kittens...

Dear George,
I have taken out a superinjunction (a legal system of getting absolute privacy from tabloid and red top newspapers) to protect my love kittens... There are scores of them all around Sussex, an English county. I have caterwauled on roof tops, fought in the streets, and mated with numerous females. So many, that I fear I cannot even remember their names. But they all probably had kittens - four or five at a time. Not that I had anything to do with my love kittens. I was, I admit, a love rat. I loved them and left them taking no responsibility for the little ones for five glorious years. If I try to remember, I reckon there must be more than 900 kittens that looked like me. But now I am a reformed (and snipped) character, I don't want anybody to know about my disgraceful past.
Will a superinjunction protect me?
No-Name Tom.

Dear No-Name Tom,
The new English legal system of protecting love rats, whether footballers or TV presenters, is working well for these human males. It's the males wot get the pleasure: it's the females wot get the blame. Our judges are nothing if not traditional.
But it won't work for cats. Your identity has already been revealed on Twitter. Just sending me a silhouette of yourself wasn't a sensible idea. A copy of your true photo came into my paws and I can reveal you are known in Sussex as Randy Victor, cat about town and love rat (your phrase not mine). You are a tabby and white who has the treatment of choice for sex addiction - castration.
It was Cats Protection who spilled the beans on you after they'd given you treatment. They rescue 5,700 unwanted kittens every years and the centre in Sussex reckons you could have contributed scores to this number. These moralistic humans take the view that unneutered toms like you (and me once) should be stopped.
Why? Well not just because we could go on fathering hundreds more unwanted kittens. It's for our own sake. The rooftop caterwauling life is pretty dangerous for us toms before the snip. We fight each other and risk catching dangerous blood born disease like FIV. We spray urine all over the place so humans don't want us in their homes. We roam for miles, taking our lives in our paws each time we cross roads. You, yourself, were picked up as a stray.
So, thank your lucky stars, Victor, that you were given a chance of a new life. As a female human once sighed; "Ah the deep peace of the double bed after the hurly burly of the chaise longue."
Personally, as I was given the snip early in life, I reckon I am happier this way. In this, I count myself both superior to humans who have a disgusting habit of doing it in and out of season for most of their adult life. Would you consider setting upa charity for pets with me? We could call it Human Protection and run a campaign to neuter and spay them? They'd be so much happier.
George

Whiskers....our pride, glory, and a sign of intelligence?

Dear George,

Is there any connection between the number of whiskers one has and one’s intelligence?

My brother is trying to convince me that more whiskers one has ….more intelligent one is! He’s telling me that “tomcats” have more whiskers… generally speaking!

George, is this true? Or is my brother a misogynist? If this theory is true….does it applies to humans too? I can see that our “daddy” has more whiskers than “mommy” but why is he shaving every night then? Is he afraid that his intelligence will overgrow while he’s sleeping? And…what purpose will have shaving legs? I don’t get it!

George, what is the difference between our whiskers and human whiskers?

All confused

Minnie

Dear Minnie,

Your brother George is right that proper functioning whiskers are a sign of intelligence. They tell us if we can pass through tight places, they send sensitive messages back to the whisker pad and the brain, and when we catch a mouse, they move forward to touch it so we can tell if it is struggling while in our mouth (as our eyes couldn't swivel enough to see). Brilliant, brilliant things. Our Pride and Our Glory.

They are a sign of superiority over humans and our greater intelligence (more information reaches the feline brain from our whiskers). Many humans, including many females, don't have any whiskers at all. Those that do either shave them off, pluck them out (ouch), or have electric shock treatment to get rid of them. Why? Because their whiskers are non-functional bits of hair that aren't worth the face they are growing on. Human whiskers, even the thick long ones grown by the males in a beard, do nothing. They can't move. They just catch bits of old food. Horrible things.

However, where George has gone wrong is thinking that male toms have more whiskers than females. If toms are bigger than females, as they often are, then the whiskers will be longer so as to embody the right proportions with the bigger body. But they will be the same number. Incidentally blind cats grow super-normal growth whiskers to hellp them "see" with them. We also have whiskers above the eyes and on the forefeet, where they can feel a mouse if we jump on it and hold it down with our front claws.

Male humans have more whiskers than females but I do not think it is a sign of intellectual superiority. As females seem to be more addicted to cats, I consider the reverse may be true. Or may be there is no connection.

That, dear Minnie, is the glory and the beauty of our whiskers. Poor human pets are deprived of these wonderful organs.

Love George

PS. You both have lovely whiskers... purrrrfect

Campaign for cats on Facebook

Dear George,
For the past few weeks, our human has been chattering away about how much fun she's been having on The Cat's Whiskas Facebook page. She shows us all the lovely photos and stories shared by other humans about their clever cats. And recently we've caught her meowing at her computer on more than one occasion!
We were originally concerned because she usually saves her meows for communicating with us, bless. But she explained that she's actually recording her meows for our benefit! The Cat's Whiskas are campaigning to have cats officially listed on Facebook profiles. Did you know that even though our human shares every other part of her life with us, she still can't list us as part of her family on her profile? Indeed, that is just not good enough.
And so we write to tell you about the campaign, and to invite you and all of your readers to encourage their humans to join The Cat's Whiskas page and record meows for cat equality!
Strength in numbers,

Bonnie & Buttons
The Cat's Whiskas
http://www.facebook.com/WhiskasUK

Dear Bonnie and Buttons,

I know you work for Whiskas, so I need to say that your letter has gone on this blog because I think it is fun to make Facebook into a more catty zone. Why not? My secretary, Celia, already runs a Cats Behaving Badly page (http://www.facebook.com/CatsBehavingBadly ) of which I disapprove heartily as it is a space for humans to post funny photos of cats. I would like a page where I could post funny photos of humans. Here's what I find funny about humans - their odd way of washing with water not saliva, their inability to move their whiskers (if they have any at all), the way the males lose their hair on their head, their nakedness - skin without fur, etc etc.

Of course, there are areas like the cat blogosphere which is devoted to cats who blog. But a feline Facebook membership would be another area where we could express our feelings about the idiotic species, Homo sapiens (I don’t think), which we keep as pets. There’s too much on the web from a human point of view. Lets get our felinity out there as a corrective to anthrocentric thinking (ie: human-centred thinking).

Think Cat, say I. So, Bonnie and Buttons, get typing. Make your secretary work for you. We could also use your page as a place to post photos of cats that need homes – there are plenty of those in my area (http://www.westoxfordshirecats.org.uk).

Purrs and rubs

George

Kittens, kittens, kittens..... and the recession too.

Hi George.
I'm told you are a cat of knowledge and many friends so I thought I'd speak to you about my humans and their plight. You see they are part of a charity called Lincoln Cat Care that tries to find homes for cats and kittens that do not have human servants. But for some silly human reasons (something to do with money and financial climate I'm told) they have had a huge influx of cats and are really struggling to find homes and look after all us cats and kittens.
My story is a good example. I was what they call a “stray”. I call it free. But cold. And hungry! In my first season I met a big Tom and fell for his charms. Of course he cleared off and come the day when my kittens where due I was scared and didn't really know what to do. I went to the garden of a human who had been giving me and some others some food and had my kittens in the open in his yard on some bricks. That was Sunday 17 April. On the Monday a lovely human came to scoop us all up and take us to her home. She is now our willing servant, totally chained to the power of the meow!
She tells me that she is a new volunteer with Lincoln Cat Care and that I was very lucky as all their foster carers were full up when they heard about me and they would have had to turn me away if she hadn't come forward! Can you imagine that? I would never have found the joy of a good chin rub, and given my size and the fact that I really struggle to care for all four kittens I doubt if all of them would have made to to their two week birthday. A man she knows called Ed Cole is a pro DVD editor and camera man, he offered to put this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_pRK0sDEyw> film together to try to raise awareness of the cats just waiting for the right human to take them home, but now we need people to spread the word!If you search on You Tube for Lincoln Cat Care it's the first one.
Do you think any of your friends could get their humans to watch it and tell their friends? Obviously my kittens aren't up for adoption yet. But many other cats are! The website; http://www.lincolncatcare.com; has details of the majority, or you can call them.
Apparently my kittens have to go with me to something called a V E T. I've had my flea and worm treatment but they were to young, now they are old enough to get the V E T to do it, he's also going to check us all in case the human has missed anything. So I'd best be off to make sure the human gets them all in the basket, I don't know if she can count!
Thank you so much George,
Lots of love,
Sophia
(and, left to right, Gaynor, Oscar, Shackleton and Silent Bob)

Dear Sophia,
Your friend Ed Cole is just what we need at West Oxon Cats Protection, the charity which rescued me off the street in the first place. We are not yet swamped with kittens, but we have far too many older cats needing homes. The human recession is really making life tough for us cats. People are losing their homes and then discovering they can't find rented accomodation which will let them keep their family cat or dog. Other people, without veterinary insurance, are handing in their cats to us. Still others (humans are so cruel) are just dumping their cats on the street. Finally, there are the people who don't have the money to get their cats neutered or spayed and dump cats with kittens on the street. It is sickening.
Please, you cats out there, see if you can influence your humans to give some money to local cat charities. Money is the best thing. Volunteering is the next best thing. That is the single most helpful human gesture towards our species. Many of us cats have been badly let down by our humans: others are just unfortunate. If you look at our West Oxon website you will see elderly Duke, whose equally elderly human became so ill that she could no longer keep him.
My human, Celia, sometimes despairs of humans. But I pass on feline wisdom. "You can't do everything, but you can do something. So what you can do, do it." Let's flood YouTube, Facebook, and all the other networks with cats needing homes and with cat care videos. Get the message, you dumb humans.
Humans can count but with typical arrogance they think we can't. We can - up to about six or seven which is all the numbers any sensible animal (not humans) needs.
Love George
PS. Had a great deal of trouble getting my secretary, Celia, to type the words. She just drooled over the kitten photo. Babies leave her cold: but kittens....

A hat for the royal wedding!

Dear George,
Watch! Stillness! Watch more! Get a little bit closer! ACTION!!! No, no way with my female human clapping her hands and shouting “fly bird, fly! WHAT? Is this for real?
I can’t believe her! Is she insane? Am I clapping my paws shouting “fly turkey, fly” when she cooks that big bird? No! I’m waiting in silence until it is nicely roasted and then claim my portion! George, why are humans so insensitive? I was so focused, “intensively” watching a little bird (as you can see in my photo) not even with the intention of killing it. All I wanted was a few feathers to ornate my hat for the Royal Wedding! I am CAT Victoria after all, right? Now, the bird is gone and so is my royal attire! I have to miss the wedding and watch it on TV! Phew!
George, any ideas how I can train my humans to not interfere with my activities? I even heard her saying something about a little bell around my neck? What? Does she think I’m a rattlesnake? I want revenge! She should be punished, don’t you think so?
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT,
I took little interest in the Royal Wedding, except to lie on my back for a bit so that Celia could stroke me while watching. The idea of bagging a pheasant (plenty outside) in order to snatch one of its tail feathers hadn't occurred to me. Nice idea. Nice try. As always, our best intentions are frustrated by our humans.
Sneakiness is essential, in order to have a satisfactory life with this rather dumb pet. Like you said, sit quietly waiting for the turkey to roast before claiming a portion. I do a special upward imploring look at my human, in order to get titbits. I almost look like a dog - soulful, deferential, pleading. In fact I am silently muttering "You silly human. Give. Give. Give. Idiot."
However sometimes guile, deviousness and dishonesty get what we want.
Bells round the neck I hate. For one thing collars on cats always are somewhat dangerous. My favourite charity Cats Protection every now and again will pick up a stray cat that has got its paw caught in its collar. My human says she has never come across a really safe collar. And (though I hate them) flea spot-ons from a vet are far more effective than old fashioned collars that have potentially dangerous chemicals.
Should you punish your human? I use punishment, as I use deviousness, guile, sneakiness and downright cheating, to get what I want. Scratching? Yes. Biting? Yes. But only in circumstances where it will work.
See if you can't just outwit her with your grace and charm.
Love George

Delay in posting

Due to human incompetance, and a power surge disabling half the electrics in my house, my secretary has been unable to post my blog for this week today (Saturday). She assures me she will do so tomorrow (sunday).

A war between breeders - a stud cat's tale.

Dear George,

My life story is based on lies, sex and money! I was caught in a war between the breeders. My name is Yogan and I am a pure breed. You might wonder what I’m doing here among rescued cats, but, in way, I’m a rescue too. I was born in a breeder’s house being destined, of course, to a life of sex and lies; I mean I was supposed “to produce” many, many kittens who would be sold for big money. Quite before I was supposed to “meet” my first “wife” I was sold to another breeder. I don’t know what exactly went wrong between the two, but I heard something about lies, money and papers. And, that’s how the war between them started. In between the court appearances, the one who bought me decided to neuter me so, if she can’t breed me ….no one ever would! I got “fixed” in “revenge” and not as a responsible, sensible solution to cat overpopulation!

In a way I’m happy I got the snip since I wouldn’t like to know my kittens being abandoned on the streets by some irresponsible humans. But I was (still am) appalled by the breeder’s motivation! That’s just another example of human greediness and irresponsibility. Soon I was up for sale again! But this time I was “rescued” by my “mommy” Jackie. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for more; she is well behaved, well trained in attending to my wellbeing and absolutely lovely. She lives for me! She loves me immensely! I’m writing to you George because I want you to make my story known – may be we all can learn something from it. What do you think?

Still appalled

Yogan

Dear Yogan,

You have had such a lucky escape. Most stud cats are kept in a cat chalet and never come out. If the breeder is ethical, they may have a spayed female cat for company. If the breeder really loves cats, then they will usually only be kept at stud for a year or two before being neutered and homed as a pet. But, in bad hands, the loneliness of the long-captived stud cat is awful. They cannot be kept in the house because they are so smelly. Some of them develop behaviour disorders like pacing walking up and down their small cages like suffering zoo animals.

The plight of the un-neutered tom on the street or in the countryside is different. He does have all the pleasures of freedom and the fun of mating. But with that goes a high chance of disease. Un-neutered toms do more fighting than neutered cats and fatal diseases such as FIV are spread by bites. They also roam far more and are more likely to be run over, lose their homes (if they had one) and end up battered and starving on the street. Many of the male stray cats that we at West Oxon Cats Protection pick up are in this condition. (If you go to the website, you will find Arthur there who needs a home). If their original owners had only had them neutered they would be safe and well at home.

Add to this that there are too many homeless cats, and you will see how important it is for cats to be neutered and spayed if they are going to lead the domestic life. Every single human that breeds kittens is adding to the overpopulation. Frankly, I think it is horrible. And I also think that irresponsibly breeding any animals from a very limited gene pool (mating within relatives for instance) results in some hideous disorders. Don't believe me? look at hereditary disorders in pedigree cats at www.fabcats.org.

You have now escaped the immense boredom of the stud cat's life and come home to live with your pet human. Congratulations. Please try to purrsuade all humans to adopt unwanted cats from animal shelters rather than from breeders. If they want a pedigree cat, they can adopt a rescue from the rescue arm of the relevant pedigree cat club. Or settle for a lovely moggie.

Love George

PS. I only wish we could have a neutering and spaying campaign to stop human overpopulation. This intellectually limited species is difficult to influence.

Shocking news about giving animals electric shocks

Dear George

I'm very worried. Brian Blessed, the famous actor, foghorn and national treasure, who I had down as being a real champion for animals, seems to have gone bonkers.
He's touring the UK asking people to sign a petition asking the government NOT to ban Invisible Electric Fences. These horrible fences give an animal wearing a "special" collar, a painful and frightening electric shock on their neck if they go too near a boundary where the electric underground "fence" is laid.
I can see such a device being useful in training our thick skinned, rather slow apes not to go too far from home and be late feeding us, but for the sake of COD no such nasty method would ever work on cats. No ape has ever put a collar on me and this makes me ruddy sure they never will.
George, how can we get our friend Brian Blessed well again and back to being our friend?

Yours in shock

Whicky Wuudler
Here is the link.
http://www.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/news/Brian-gives-blessing-pet-collar-campaign/article-3431420-detail/article.html

Dear Whicky,
I am shocked and horrified too. Animal-loving Brian Blessed has been misled. Readers can tell him so on his Facebook page but be nice about it, as he has done a great great deal for animal welfare. He may have been misled by the fact that a cat welfare charity campaigned in the favour of this cruel fencing system. Giving electric shocks to dogs and cats is cruel and unnecessary. These electric shock fences (they called the shock "mild correction") leave cats exposed to even more danger. If a fierce dog comes into the territory, the cat cannot run away. If it is does run, it is shocked as it passes the invisible barrier. For some cats this will bring on complete breakdown.
The charity, Feline-Friends, www.feline-friends.org.uk, has even placed an advertisement in a cat magazine in favour of this cruel fencing. Electric shock fencing is opposed by the RSPCA, Cats Protection, Dogs' Trust, and many other welfare charities. What on earth is this charity doing? There's a huge amount of space on their website devoted to this kind of fencing. Why? They've even got a petition in favour....
You can find out more about this charity by looking at the government's Charity Commission where you will discover it only started up in 2009, is based in Chesterfield, and is a newcomer to the charity scene. The accounts can be downloaded from this site and the trustees are named. There is a link from the charity's website to an organisation Dogfence. This link can only help Dogfence sales. If you believe that campaigning in favour of these fences runs contrary to cat welfare, you can email the Charity Commission to point this out.
Electric shock collars and fencing are widely used in the USA and Dogfence seems to be some kind of UK offshoot of this company. Similar products are still legal in England but I look forward to the day when they are made illegal. They are no substitute for proper fencing.
Whicky, thank you for bringing this to my attention. We cats need to act together.
George
PS. Apologies if a fencing ad appears under Google ads. It's an automatic thingie. I can't stop it. Ignore it. Do not click on it.
PPS. From a paper reviewing the use of shock collars in dogs:
"With the use of increasingly complex equipment there comes an increased potential
for malfunction. Whilst a solid fence guarantees containment and the exclusion of
people, a boundary system using a shock collar may fail to function due to damage to
the boundary wire, worn out batteries, improper fitting of the collar, problems with
the receiver collar or transmitter or extraneous radio signals (Polsky, 1994). Some
bark activated electronic collars have been affected by ambient noise, resulting in
eventual habituation (Wells 2001)....
There have also been reports of physical lesions on the neck caused by high intensities
of shock (Seksel, 1999), especially in wet weather, although these have been
contended by proponents of the collars. However, when used in boundary systems the
close fitting collars are frequently worn for long periods, leading to the possibility of
skin irritation or contact necrosis (Polsky, 1994)"

Difficulty educating humans

Dear George,

It has been a while since I last sent you a letter but I was busy trying to educate my human pets with, I must admit, not much success! Considering your expertise in human intelligence I need few tips to handle my daddy’s questions. Not that I cannot answer his questions, but he drives me to the edge of darkness! How many times do you think a human can ask exactly same questions? Any guess? Of course not! But, I can tell you that the symbol is that horizontal 8 (yes – Infinite). So, George, here are the questions – may be you’ll be able to answer in such a manner that he’ll understand.

The first is: “why are cats knitting?” followed by his “rationale” – I bet no one knows!

Of course we know; cats are highly intelligent, well educated and well versed in almost any topic!

The second is: “why does she (he means ….me) squeeze my hand while purring”?

Asking such question is absolutely insulting, don’t you think so?

But what drives me insane is that all this time my “mum” is giggling giving the impression that she’s somehow superior and knows! Bet she has no idea! Human arrogance! The other night he asked again, so, I looked him in the eyes and asked him: “why do cats purr, daddy”? He didn’t know! He still stares in nothingness! Can you believe it? George, do you think there is any hope with my humans? They are agreeable pets after all.

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

I won't dignify human idiocy by giving them the answers in this blog. Education should involve the student finding out knowledge, not just being given it in spoon fed form. (Trust humans to need spoons: we have the natural spoon of the tongue.). So put your thinking caps on, you human readers, and see what you can do with these interestingly enigmatic questions.

How can you handle your human's questioning? How can you remain calm when these questions are repeated over and over again, due to the limited nature of the human intellect. The answer, Fluffy, is compassion for lower forms of life. Humans are evolutionary dead-ends, lower down the tree of life than us. Their function is doubtful (destruction of our world perhaps?), the cause of their behaviour even more doubtful (we cats haven't managed to put them into a neuroscience lab yet), their life development (ontogeny) mysterious as they seem to remain for ever childish, and how they evolved this way (phylogeny) downright weird. They are down there with the bower bird and the peacock.

Makes you wonder if the Higher Feline Power, which we cats call Cat, designed them as a sort of joke. That's the other way to handle their insistent questioning: laugh. Humans think we don't laugh but we do. Ours is an inward and rather superior chuckle.

So, if you remain compassionate, let yourself laugh silently, you will manage to keep your temper. Alternatively, sit on his head or bite his ankles. There's nothing wrong with a bit of claw and order discipline in the feline classroom.

You have beautiful eyes. Beautiful.

Looooove

George

P.S. This question was answered rather late as my secretary was busy digging a large litter tray for me (which she called a seed bed) in the garden. Must get out there and use it, otherwise she will be hurt.