Stop that! Claw and order.

My friend Marley demonstrates how to keep your human in line with judicious use of the claw, followed by a little painless nip. Only the most insensitive human fails to respond to this.
Punishments should always be proportionate - for welfare reasons. But humans that do not respond to the mild swipe and nip may need more serious measures - a proper scratch to draw blood or the deep bite.  
Only use these when things are really serious. You don't want to ruin the cat-human relationship on which regular meals and warm radiators depend.


For more on how to manage your human order my manual here.

Fear and loathing in the cattery

They go on holiday. We go to gaol. It's not fair. My human has swanned off to have a good time and I am stuck in prison.
They call it a cattery but it's really just a prison cell. No carpets. No sofa for scratching. Horrible disinfectant smells. Strange cats nearby. 
What's not to hate.
We do not deserve this. I have tried and failed to escape and I am miserable.
She, meanwhile, is having a good time eating fish in Normandy..... 
Sometimes humans are really vile. I shall make her pay for it later.



Want to know more of how to live with a human - read here

Walls and fencing - human barriers versus cat barriers

Walls, and fencing are cat highways. As every cat knows. They allow us to travel from house to house along the back of a street. They form useful refuges from passing dogs. And they generally make life easier for urban cats.
Yet the joke is that humans think they are barriers.
They put up walls to keep people and dogs out and some are silly enough to think they will keep us out. Just the reverse. They facilitate our movements.
The real cat walls and fencing are scent marks. We leave a scent mark to tell other cats WHERE and WHEN we were. They can choose whether to enter shared territory or stay away. 
Humans do not understand this because they are nose blind. 
And just stoopid. 


Read more on human stupidity by buying my guide here

The blessing of a cat

Humans occasionally show their gratitude. This week, my human finally wrote something which I can fully appreciate, even if I longed to get my paws on it and change some of the sentiments... 

My book not hers.

May you be blessed with a cat...

May you be blessed with a cat,

A starving stray from the street

Or a scruffy kitten from a shelter,

Who hides under the bed

For the first few days

May you be blessed with cat fur

On the new carpet,

On your best clothes,

On your bed and

In little balls in the washing machine

May you be blessed with scratches,

Happy scratches on the sofa,

Exploring scratches on wallpaper,

Greeting scratches on the door mat,

And sometimes even on the scratch post.

May you be blessed with a warm body

Close to you on the sofa,

On your lap while watching TV,

Spread out on the bed asleep

Or even snuggled under the duvet.

May you be blessed with purring.

Loud purring requesting food,

Happy purring when stroked in the right places.

Gentle purring during the night,

While both of you sink into sleep.

May you be blessed with that look,

The urgent look requesting food,

The look that says: “Play please,”

The look of loving contempt

That says “You are not my superior.”

You may not know if you own or are owned

But this love too is stronger than death.

                        c.. Celia Haddon

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Human presumption and feline punishment....

Naturally the human publishers are anxious to stay on the right side of their best selling feline author. They sent me a package of expensive goodies. Very correct. Very pleasing.
Unfortunately, they did not check in advance about what I would like to eat... They presumed. As humans do.
I felt their presumption needed a punishment.
I gobbled up the expensive wet cat food fast. Then I felt slightly ill.
Then I threw it up on the new carpet.



* For more detail on how to maximise the impact of throwing up order a copy of A Cat's Guide to Humans, here.