Yum, yum....

 I have decided to apply for a job in a Chinese pet food laboratory - as a taster. These humans have been testing what flavours we like best using chicken liver spray.

Now chicken liver - or other liver - is what I like almost best in the world, though my human says that it is toxic if I eat too much of it too often. Just a tiny taste is all that I should have.

But purrhaps if I was in that laboratory I would get much more of it....

So what were their findings? Only what we cats know very well indeed. We don't like sweet. We don't even taste sweet. We like savory or unami (as they call it.) The meatier the taste the more we like it.

That's why we have to train our humans to buy us the most expensive cat food - expensive because there is more real meat in it and less carbs.

And while I mention this, it's amazing that I can successfully train my human in this way. I don't have to go to the supermarket with her. She just does what I have told her to do

even though I am not there to make her do it. This is long distance training... we are experts at this.

Want to brush up on training techniques? Read my book, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. Buy it here. It really works.

Childless cat ladies are wonderful!

 I don't take a lot of notice when my human becomes upset, but last week I couldn't miss her distress. Some bearded git, the would-be Republican vice president in the USA, has said that "childless cat ladies" live miserable lives. 

The insult got to her. She doesn't have children because her husband couldn't. And yes, she has cats. Me, of course.

Is her life miserable? I don't think so. She misses her husband who died, but otherwise has a full emotional life. Yes, a full emotional life with me.

• We love and care for each other.
  
• We sleep together. 
• We communicate with purrs and human "catty" talk. 
  
• We spend time in the garden together.
• I spend time in a warm cat bed near her computer supervising her work.  
• I take a great deal of interest in what she cooks.
• I try to clean up any food that has fallen on the kitchen floor.
• I greet her when she comes home.
  
• And I look beautiful.
  

She is not miserable. She is a happy cat lady and I am determined to help her stay that way, Mr JD Vance.

I hope you lose the US election

Are we getting on together?

 Most humans are too dumb to read our body language. So they don't pick up the clues that cats are not getting on. Sure, they may recognise a cat fight but more sublte signs pass them by.

Take for instance these two cats. The black cat is arching his back and standing sideways to the tabby the white cat. His tail is bristling and is standing up then going down. He is making himself look as big as possible to threaten the other cat.

The tabby and white has his ears retracted showing anger and they are also slightly pulled down the sides of the head showing some fear. 

His body is stiff with tension because he is readying himself for fight or flight. Another sign of his fear is that his body weight is on his back feet.

Yes, some cats do get on.  But some cats definitely do not.

Now some human scientists have come up with explanation and advice to these dumb humans. You can download their guidelines here 

Take-home message for stupid humans is 

• Don't take in too many cats
• Recognise the signs of inter cat tension
• Make sure each cat has a safe haven
• Don't feed cats in a row. Feed them at a decent distance from each other.
  
• Be creative in helping cats avoid each other - cat trees, lots of cat beds, lots of food and water in different occasions, a litter tray for each cat and one extra.
  

Taking possession of human resources

 

When moving into a new human home, it is important to start taking possession of the resources. Make it clear what is yours, not theirs from the start.

Human beds (so much more roomy than cat beds), the sofa, the best armchair, the floor space under the radiator - these are all resources that you should claim as your own as soon as possible..

Other resources will also become yours - such as the office chair. Now an office chair is not as comfy as a sofa, but nevertheless it has a certain symbolic value. If it's not yours, then your human may think that is belongs to them.

Likewise any garden furniture. Garden furniture is installed by humans for humans. Yet any cat knows that garden furniture belongs to felines first, humans second. A garden table makes a nice place to lounge when the sun is out.

 Be imaginative... a car might not appear to be the best place for a cat, but some cats take over the family car.

Then there are boxes, stairs, shopping bags, even sinks - all of these are potential cat resources. 

Once you use them, you can claim ownership.

Do your joints ache?

 It's tough getting old, whether you are a cat or a human. But we cats have an extra problem. We hide our pain.

So for the help of your human, instead of a cat photo here is a quiz photo. Humans are so dumb that they have to have simple instructions on how to recognise our pain.

It should be obvious, really - if we hesitate when jumping up on to the bed, or have to bunny hop using both back legs when going up or down stairs. 

If we are slower to play or spend more time in our bed - it's not "just old age" it can easily be arthritic pain. AND we need painkillers just like elderly humans do.

So show this to your human.... remember they are dumb animals that need instruction.