Catnip versus alcohol - punishing humans

Toby demonstrates recreational and moderate use of catnip

Humans behave very badly indeed at the New Year - drinking quantities of alcohol without any feline moderation. They blunder about, get rude and silly, sometimes vomit and occasionally even lose control of their bladder. 
It's disgusting.
We felines are recreational drug users and we admittedly roll around in a silly way when sniffing catnip. However we know when to stop.... unlike many humans. 
How to punish drunk humans? Here is what to do.

• Avoid them while they are still drinking. The spare room or even under the bed may be necessary.
• Wait till they are horizontal to assess the situation.
• If they are motionless, use their body as a warm pillow until they start moving. 
• Snoring may keep you awake but at this time of year the warmth is agreeable.

•  In the morning purr loudly and often in the ear. This is punishment disguised as affection. Neat! 

• For further punishment ideas consult my manual here. 
  

Beware the Yule cat.....

It's Christmas time, Yule time, the evenings darken early, snow may be on its way, so may the Yule cat...
It is time for humans to shudder with fear instead of taking cat affection for granted and thinking we are all just pussycats.
Not all cats are drowsing near a fire or upside down under a radiator. Out there in the cold of Iceland, a sinister creature is on the prowl.
According to legends, the Yule Cat is a gigantic huge black cat,  sort of feline troll, that only appears at Christmas time, and if there. are no new clothes among the Christmas gifts, the Yule cat may devour the little children in the house.... More detail here.

An Icelandic poem goes like this:

 If he faintly meowed outside
The misfortune was soon to happen.
Everyone knows, that he fed on men,
But mice he would not eat.’

‘Ef mjálmað var aumlega úti
var ólukkan samstundir vís
Allir vissu´, að hann veiddi menn en vildi ekki mýs.’

Time for some respect from humans....

Add a cat to the crib.....

It's time to bring cats into the Christmas story. Obviously we belong there but prejudiced humans have refused to acknowledge this.
The stable had at least one cat. Almost all stables and barns had a cat two thousand or so years ago. We kept down the mice that otherwise ate the grain stored them. 
So get your human to add a cat to your local crib. 
Mine did. In fact she added two - one near the manger and one with the wise men. They stayed there in the church throughout the Christmas holiday.  
Tell your human to make the Christmas story cat friendly!

•  More of my thoughts on Christmas in my book here.

Searching for warmth? Try a car.

It's winter here in the UK and what is the urban outdoor cat going to do? There are no cosy hay barns, stables or cowsheds to keep warm in. So it has to be cars.
As every cat knows, cars are convenient places for keeping out of reach. Just run under one and wait till it is safe to emerge. They are also shelter from the rain in an emergency though your paws get wet. Jumping inside them is usually impossible because the doors are shut.
There is a car trick, however, that not every cat discovers. When these metal jobs have been out exploring, they come back warm. Jump on the bonnet and the delicious hot metal will warm and dry your damp paws.
Selfish humans object to the pawmarks. I can't think why. Purrsonally I find paw tracks give a delightful patterned effect which enhances the beauty of an automobile.

  
More tips for how to live with a human here.

Purrlease.... don't put out the cat.

It's cold and miserable and damp in Britain. And what do some old fashioned humans do? They lock us out of the house, away from warm beds and central heating.
No wonder that some of us leave home or just follow some friendly stranger in the hope that they will let us into their house.This time of year it is too wet and cold for a cat to be left outside.
Besides, night time is the most dangerous time for cats. We get dazzled by car lights and then run over by cars. We get attacked by foxes or stray dogs or (in the US) coyotes.
So don't do it, humans.


 
Still time to order you copy of my book here.