Puppy alert!....ready for a claw and order programme.

Dear George,

Why humans are so unstable, never happy and always wanting something more or something else? Here is my story; I was rescued many years ago; my human found me hiding in a toolbox (hence my name) - a small, frightened kitten. He took me home and we have never ever been apart since, not even for one day. Even more, recently he went on buying this big house for me (we lived in a small apartment for many years). But, right when I'm about to enjoy my new paradise....I heard him saying that he'll bring home a puppy! I suspected that something might be wrong when he started coming home late and his cloths were smelling very strange. I can smell a rat ...but I can't smell a dog! I don't know what a dog smells like. And, above all, I don't want a puppy! What is a puppy good for? How can I live with a puppy in the house? I'm having a panic attack!

For now I got my "tools" out - as you can see in the picture (attached).

George, what should I do? Shred my human or the puppy?

All confused

Toolbox

Dear Toolbox,

I really feel for you....  Why do humans think things like puppies will make them happy? Why can't they be contented with cats. And why, oh why, don't they get it. We cats are not here to make them happy. They are here to make us happy. Who wants a puppy anyway?

To manage the situation you need to get your human to buy the right kind of puppy - a nice gentle breed like a labrador or spaniel, rather than a terrier or a chasing breed. Then, before the puppy arrives, get a crate. Put nice things in it so it becomes the puppy's den. That is where the puppy can be, while you are in the same room. (Or if your humans can't afford a crate, they must put a house line, a lead, on the puppy whenever it is in the same room as you).

The puppy must never ever ever be allowed to chase you. It it is allowed to do this, it may start seeing you as prey, and your future will be dire. You must be the puppy's master, top alpha cat, totally in charge. You must always be free to come and go, with high up places to get out of its way, and a little tray where you cannot be harassed.  Baby gates on the stairs might be a good idea too.

Yes, get those claws ready for discipline..... and don't let your humans stop you. 

Yours with sympathy

George

To Toby ....with love!

-->

Dear George,

I'm quite disturbed by Toby's last week letter and the fact that these young kids, sorry kittens, might get the wrong message! For their sake I want to set the record straight and I need, of course, your help! What was most disturbing about the video Toby posted was the fact that these kids might get the idea that "they have to work" for food which you and I know it's a nonsense! So, I'm going to list some rules that hopefully all kittens will follow. And, you my dear friend are more then welcome to complete my list as you are the Master!

Rule # 1: Never ever sweat the small stuff! You do not need to jump over any bar to get food. It might be fun when you are young and full of energy but think about older cats that might not be able to jump over and over. Then...what? Are they going to starve? No! Here is all you need to do - see my photo # 1 (that's how I ask for food).

Rule # 2: Never show your human you liked the food! Even if you like the food and want more....don't show it. Instead, pretend that you did them a favour by eating some (make sure you leave a bit in your bowl) and then....ignore them, look away (my photo # 2). I can guarantee you they will worry about this; why you didn't finish your dinner? maybe you didn't like it? maybe you want something else? Guaranteed....they will open another can :-)

Rule # 3: Never ever follow or obey to any of their instructions! You can have infinite fun by fooling them giving them the impression that wow! they trained you! The minute they brag about ...act completely dumb! This will confuse them to no end and make them look stupid in their friends' eyes:-)

Rule # 4: Make sure YOU RUN the house! Make sure you got them wrapped around your little paws first.... before following these rules especially if you are a rescue. This way you avoid re-homing!

Now, I would let George to share his wisdom and give the young generation some solid advice!

Happy Valentine's Day to all cats (and their humble humans)

Lovely purrs

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
I cannot add to your letter. You have laid it out on the line. I have always said that every kitten should start as they mean to go on - training their humans into willing and eager obedience.
Obviously your method works. Your splendid Rubinesque figure shows that beyond doubt.
I bow to your superior sense.
Yours respectfully
George. 
-->

Training your human to give you food - Toby shows how it is done.

Dear George,
I have trained a Japanese vet to give me food, when I jump over an obstacle. Altogether an amazing experience and one that I am very proud of. It took several days because she was so slow.
At first she failed to give me any food at all. But she did pay attention to me, so I knew there were possibilities there. When I saw her fiddling about with something that looked like a very small horse jump, I tried several different behaviours.

• I walked up to it and paused. No food forthcoming.
• I went for a little walk No food.
• I walked round it and looked at her. Still no food.
• Then inspiration struck. I leaped over it. FOOD!!

She was so excited by this, that she made little beep-beep vocalisations. Rather like Celia does after I taught her to give food when I touched her hand.  These humans! With infinite patience, they can learn quite a few amusing food tricks.
Yours
Toby.

Dear Toby,
Congratulations.  It is so worthwhile to purrsist in training your human to deliver food. You are, of course, right. It takes days of effort because human are really not as bright as cats. We have to keep trying and keep our patience.
Food placed in a bowl, even food left available all the time, or stolen food - these are the agreeable aspects of living with a human. But sophisticats go for something rather more cerebral. They train their humans to deliver food on command.
The command you need is not a vocalisation. It is a piece of cute behaviour. Do it and you will be rewarded. You did it. Well done.
Simples.
George

I am Wesley, the famous student cat!

Dear George,
I just came across your blog and I think I'm in the right place to get advice. I'm a rescue and I have recently adopted a human kitten not knowing that he attends university in a different city. As he didn't want to leave me behind he took me with him to the student camp where he lives. So I became instantly famous (even if some would call me infamous) and very, very spoiled. Just imagine having at least 4 big guys, all football players, taking care of me!
But, I need your expertise in nutrition as I want to make sure that I eat right for my age  and all my adopted human kittens eat right too (they are athletes after all and probably need more protein, etc). I'm not worried about food when we have a school break as we always go back home to our human mommy and she cooks well! So....dry or wet food for me? What about treats? Should I share food with my human kittens? They eat mostly meat sandwiches. Or....should I just stay home with Mommy?
In gratitude 
Wesley
Dear Wesley, 
I do envy you. Four big football guys all taking care of you! Lucky old you. I bet that they are real softies.
Nutrition. Adolescent humans usually eat very badly indeed and meat sandwiches are not the ideal cat food. (Nor are they the ideal human food, which should contain fruit and vegetables not just meat and bread). By all means eat a bit of sandwich when you fancy it. A little of what you fancy does you good, but try and get more of the meat and less of the bread! Don't let them fob you off with the outside crusts.
Mouse sandwiches would be a great idea if you could purrsuade your football guys to go in that direction. Could you tempt them by catching one and presenting it to them? Raw mouse is probably the best natural food of all but for some reason, humans are squeamish about feeding them to us. And they don't seem able to produce tinned mouse.
Wet food or dry food? Wet food is great but not ideal for teeth. Dry food can lead to a cat being dehydrated unless they have the chance to drink whenever they want but is better for keeping your teeth clean. Tell your human to put out two bowls in two different locations so you always have a choice.
If you have a cat flap I recommend wandering down the street, and sampling various houses to see if the humans there offer a better brand of cat food. If you are an indoor-only cat it's trickier. Train your human to buy the brand you prefer by purring loudly when you get it. When you get an inferior brand, look at it disdainfully, then walk away. Or take a few mouthfuls and then try to cover it up, like you would cover up the contents of a litter tray.
This usually makes your human feel guilty and we cats make guilt work for us. 
Yours enviously,
George

PS. I can't read ingredients on cat food containers. Celia can read them but says she can't understand them. All the percentages depend on the amount of water in the food and she can't work out what the ingredient "ash" means.

Enlightened - in a flash!

Dear George,

I know that "enlightenment" is the state of understanding something clearly or as in Buddhism or Hinduism, is the state of no longer having any human desires, so that one is united spiritually with the universe! What I don't know is towards which one of these two states is my human mummy aiming to. Based on my observations over the years I think she aims (unsuccessfully) towards "no longer having any human desires". I mean...eating meat is a human desire, correct? Well, she lost that one as now she's eating only grass and I can't make her understand that a mouse is fresh and juicy regardless of the season.

"Sleeping in" every morning is very much a human desire, right? She lost that too as she's up early in the morning but then she goes sit on the floor crossed legs with her eyes closed - I know she's sleeping she can't fool me....but why give up the comfort of a warm  bed? Or, I cringe when I see her twisted like a pretzel at times! What human desire can this one possible be? Why all these false pretences? Why "being enlightened" is so important to humans? Humans will never reach our elegance, good taste and wisdom.

So, I decided to teach her a lesson! I proved to her that even if I eat meat, sleep in every morning and not transforming myself into a pretzel I can still become "instantly enlightened" (as you can see in the photo)! That's sheer wisdom! Do you agree George?

Should I aim to enlighten my mummy so she'll have a better understanding of life?

Do you think she can become enlightened in a flash? Just like me?

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

We cats don't become enlighted. We are enlightened. It is our nature, our telos, the essence of our being. We live in the present without having to do mindfulness exercises. We do not obsess about the past or future. So we do not think: "If only..." or "What if..." or "Why me?" 
We do yoga every day without even thinking of it. We stretch out our back legs and then our front legs. We place our back leg against our ears pointing up towards the heavens (so that we can clean ourselves). We lie stretched out in the warm or curled up in the cold paws neatly tucked away under our bodies, tailed swept round as a bit more protection against a low temperature.
And our eyes are enlightened in the moonlight, as the moon's rays hits our tapetum at the back of the eye and spring back with our own flash of moonlight. Like the photo you sent me. Sheer wisdom indeed, Fluffy.
Your equally enlightened friend
George