Enlightened - in a flash!

Dear George,

I know that "enlightenment" is the state of understanding something clearly or as in Buddhism or Hinduism, is the state of no longer having any human desires, so that one is united spiritually with the universe! What I don't know is towards which one of these two states is my human mummy aiming to. Based on my observations over the years I think she aims (unsuccessfully) towards "no longer having any human desires". I mean...eating meat is a human desire, correct? Well, she lost that one as now she's eating only grass and I can't make her understand that a mouse is fresh and juicy regardless of the season.

"Sleeping in" every morning is very much a human desire, right? She lost that too as she's up early in the morning but then she goes sit on the floor crossed legs with her eyes closed - I know she's sleeping she can't fool me....but why give up the comfort of a warm  bed? Or, I cringe when I see her twisted like a pretzel at times! What human desire can this one possible be? Why all these false pretences? Why "being enlightened" is so important to humans? Humans will never reach our elegance, good taste and wisdom.

So, I decided to teach her a lesson! I proved to her that even if I eat meat, sleep in every morning and not transforming myself into a pretzel I can still become "instantly enlightened" (as you can see in the photo)! That's sheer wisdom! Do you agree George?

Should I aim to enlighten my mummy so she'll have a better understanding of life?

Do you think she can become enlightened in a flash? Just like me?

Love

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

We cats don't become enlighted. We are enlightened. It is our nature, our telos, the essence of our being. We live in the present without having to do mindfulness exercises. We do not obsess about the past or future. So we do not think: "If only..." or "What if..." or "Why me?" 
We do yoga every day without even thinking of it. We stretch out our back legs and then our front legs. We place our back leg against our ears pointing up towards the heavens (so that we can clean ourselves). We lie stretched out in the warm or curled up in the cold paws neatly tucked away under our bodies, tailed swept round as a bit more protection against a low temperature.
And our eyes are enlightened in the moonlight, as the moon's rays hits our tapetum at the back of the eye and spring back with our own flash of moonlight. Like the photo you sent me. Sheer wisdom indeed, Fluffy.
Your equally enlightened friend
George

I stuck my tongue out to my human

Dear George,
What my human did to me is outright outrageous! She tried to shame me (see my face in the photo no 2) by calling in an animal behaviour specialist "to assess my destructive behaviour"! It's hard to believe but that's exactly what she did! Ah! about my destructive behaviour? She claims that I destroyed the walls in the flat we live in; she claims that I shred them to dry wall! But, I did not! It is just one corner (of course...a junction between two walls) that I scratched and I'll continue to scratch not because I lack calcium but because I can smell, feel "something" in the walls. It might be a mouse or squirrel or who knows what....but I can smell it! I can feel it! And, she doesn't get it! The animal behaviour specialist's conclusion? That there is nothing wrong with me and she should call in the property manager! Aha! In response to that I stuck my tongue out to her! 

Here! (see it in photo # 1). So, George...did you hear of other cats behaving like me? Any tips? Advice? I really think there are mice running up and down the walls! Her argument against mine is that our flat is in a new, modern building! Have you ever heard of something like this before?

Hugs

Shumba

Dear Shumba,
I scratch therefore I am..... a cat.

It is difficult to remember than humans are smell-blind and nearly deaf. They just don't have the noses, the hearing, and the brain power to notice smells and tiny noises like we do. Of course there was some rodent or other behind the wall. There's nothing to stop house mice making a home in a new building. Many do. Modern buildings are well ventilated and warmer than old ones. Mice, like humans, often prefer them.

I am glad that she called in a relatively sensible human to help out - sensible because this human agreed with you that there was something there. (Poor Celia is studying hard to try to get the level of expertise that will allow her to become a better cat behaviourist. Just a glimmering of understanding cat behaviour may result.... or not.)

I hope your human has provided a good scratching area. Celia bought a nice new armchair two years ago which is splendid for cat claws. I also have a Fat Boy post - nice and stable and occasionally I even use it if I am bored with the chair.
Good job humans are dumb animals. Your human could just have blocked the area with a piece of furniture. Too stupid to think of that, I suppose. Nice for you though. It must be fun to scratch there.

Yours

George.

The Big fuss about New Year's Resolutions...

Dear George,

My name is Rocky and, of course, I'm a rescue. I'm the black and white kitty (intentionally) pictured here ...sleeping as I'm always blamed for being up and playing 24/7.  In the picture (attached) you can also see my older brother (a rescue as well) Stanley - who can sleep 24/7. The reason I'm writing to you is to clarify the big fuss about new year's resolutions that human are talking about! For the last two week all I hear is: we should go on a diet, I ate too much chocolate, don't eat this or eat less of that or we should exercise more, etc. If all the commotion is about humans' plans for the coming year ...
I can tell you right here and now that I have just one New Year's Resolution and that is to learn how to open a can! Last year I learn how to open the cupboards' doors and roll out food cans. Now, I need your advise on how to open the cans. In a normal household I wouldn't have to worry about this but ...I don't live with normal people. My human mom is vegetarian but my father is not. That means that I will never attack her rice stuffed cabbage rolls but he might attack my juicy mouse! I know for sure neither one of them will attack my food cans.

So, George.....how do I open them?

Cheers

Rocky

Dear Rocky,
It is not a cat's job to open cans. That is a human's. However there are times when it would be handy to do it. I have tried pushing cans off the kitchen counter - they bend but they don't break. I have tried prizing them open with my paw or even tearing off the labels. None of this works. 
There is a way round this problem. Get your humans to feed you out of envelopes not cans. Start giving canned food a contemptuous look. Instead of eating it, walk round the bowl with an expression of dismay. Then make digging motions as you would in a litter tray. You are showing the human that this particular food is S--T. 
Your evident disapproval and reluctant to eat is punishment for their buying the wrong food. Make them feel guilty and ashamed.
Given an envelope, eat quickly purring as loudly as you can. This is the reward your human gets for buying the right food. Make them feel happy because you are happy. 
You can do it. Millions of cats do. Why are there shelves and shelves of different cat food in a supermarket? Answer - because humans want to please their cats by buying the one they prefer.
Once you have envelopes you can have some fun with them. They can be torn open and by pressing in the middle with a paw, the food will come out. Pulling the "empty" envelopes out of the trash is also a good game. If you tear them further open, you will find a few fragments of food left inside.
This emotional manipulation is the first lesson in human training.  Humans love to be trained by cats. They are happiest when they are doing what we want them to do.
Get training.
George 

George is away on a indoor mousing holiday......

I am taking a break for a few days while I go on an indoor safari. I blogged out of my usual pattern over Christmas and the New Year and I badly need some down time. There is a nest of mice in Celia's home, which I is eliminating one by one at night. As the whole night taken up with the sport of waiting, watching, pouncing and then killing, I need to sleep all day. Blogging will resume next Saturday. Here is last night's prey.

My usual technique, after I have caught the little beggar, is to leg it upstairs to show Celia my success.  Last night was a mistake. I forgot to kill it first. As I leaped on the bed with the squeaker in my mouth, its tail trailing downwards, she leaped out of bed almost as fast as me. She shooed me to the door and shut it on me.....
Humans...
Now excuse me I have to plan tonight's hunting excursion.

Purrs and Claws - what a kitten needs to know

Dear George,
I'm a 14 weeks old rescue and this Christmas I have adopted a family with a big house and two human kittens. My new family seems to be lots of fun; the human kittens are older than me; they go to university where they learn how to take care of me.
My human mommy must be an excellent mother as she keeps the house clean and neat and makes sure the food is always fresh! I dream of my first steak! Yummy! My new human daddy is a bit strange but, I'm sure he can be trained to become my loyal servant or so I think!
I was told that I'm a Blue Russian mix - photo attached! I know all cats are Royalty but don't you think that having "extra blue blood" makes me "extra royal"?
Definitely they sense I'm special! I'm allowed to sleep in any bed I want and I can run up and down the stairs as much as I want (which is such a relief after being in a cage for 3 months). George, I need some tips on house manners, how to behave so they will be happy with me! I'm a bit concerned since this is my first "forever home" and I'm their "first cat ever"! It is a first time experience for all! I've seen my daddy ordered a book on "how cats think" - yes, quite laughable as no human will figure us out but I told you he's nuts! Do you think this book will teach him how to obey my orders? Or how to feed me? Shouldn't he be getting one of your books instead? Today they were talking about new year's resolutions!
What is that?
Immensely grateful,
Leo-Liam 

Dear Leo-Liam,

Training a human is ridiculously easy. Most kittens do it automatically. The principles are that you reward behaviour that you want and you punish behaviour that you do not want. Rewards are purring, snuggling up close, rubbing your cheek against the human, and (if you fancy doing so) giving a little lick. Some cats enjoy grooming their human's hair too. Punishments are claws, teeth, disdainful ignoring and running away. 

What you have to remember is that humans are not clever enough to understand our body language. So you have to respond in an exaggerated way to make things clear to them. Both rewards and punishments must be administered as soon as possible (within seconds preferably). Humans vary in their reaction to punishment. For some a lofty look of disdain will make them cease whatever they are doing. Others need a sharp nip or even a hefty claw on their bare skin.

If you are having difficulty, purrchase a copy of 100 Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human.

Happy New Year

George

PS. In an ideal world all humans would be adopted by rescue kittens. That would be my resolution for cat welfare this year.