Claws and clippers - an official complaint from Australia

Dear George,
Can you have a quiet word with your Human about claws and clippers?
Nothing sarcastic, mind - just gently point out that some humans [and I include mine amongst them] should never be given access to machinery or tools.Your Human, whom I am prepared to concede has been highly trained and certified by you – gave my Human a set of cunning and devious pointers on how to approach my beautifully clawed feet, and trim my carefully honed daggers which have taken MONTHS to perfect.
Ye Gods...what was she thinking?
Anyway....my paw was held; [a skill I already had, thank you very much]-and I got my treat... and then held again while this gadget thingy was picked up. And I was off, before even snatching the treat she was holding out for me.
 Back to square one.......
I held hands; sat up and said “Please”; let her hold my paw; watched her hand sneak towards the damn thingy again, and I was whistling off into the sunset again.
I can play this game as long as she can, but my complaint to you, George my friend, is that I keep missing out on my treats, due to having to take off and gallop away all the time.
Not to mention, it’s tiring and wasting quality treat time. The Dog thinks I’ve gone mad, and chases me around the lounge and upstairs, telling me to “just sit and have it done, you wimp,” like she does. Not a chance......
Back to you, Chum – a quiet word is definitely required.
I didn’t also mention that the first thingy was changed for a different thingy...but she’s still not getting near my feet with it, so there!
 It’s pretty cold here now, and I am missing out on lap time as well, not to mention having to sleep with one eye open, in case.......
I am retaliating by shedding more fur all over the place, but all that’s done is make them go out and get another small screamy, sucky thingy, to clean it up with. It’s a scary little beast, and can get into small spaces where I have been able to deposit huge heaps before. Not impressed George...too many gadgets!
Your Aussie mate    
Chaos.

Dear Chaos,
This is an official apology for my human. Poor Celia thinks she trains cats, while all the cats she has ever owned have trained her. Compared with us, she is a really poor trainer. Like all humans she suffers under the delusion that she is in charge of us, when really we are in charge of her.
Continue your behaviour around the clipper. Your humans will soon give up their pathetic attempts. They do not have the feline level of purrsistence. We can outwait and outwit our humans every time if we keep our cool.
Missing the treats. Develop a "cute" behaviour for them. Sitting up on your backside or waving a paw when food in around. They will probably give you some and then every time you want some, you do the behaviour. This is called reward training or operant conditioning. They give you food and you reward them with the cute behaviour.
If only humans knew....
Yours George
PS. If you have a good scratch post (or outside tree) your claws will look after themselves to your satisfaction, if not to theirs. It needs to be large enough for your full height and very stable. I have a Fat Boy post.

Of humans and diets

Dear George,  
Mi chiama Luigi e io sono Italiano. At least I think I’m Italian since I was rescued by an Italian family.  And you got it….my name is Luigi and I think I’m about 3 year old (I don’t remember much of my life before being rescued). Well, all was great until the other day when my human kitten bragged about me to some crazy lady. Why crazy? Because the minute she heard I’m a 22 lbs. cat she started lecturing about me being too fat (how does she dare) and that I can become diabetic and all that nonsense.
Now, you should know that I am a big cat and I am….hm! well rounded (as you can see in the picture) but, I think I’m far from being fat. She advised my humans to cut off completely the dry food and to give me only wet food and only twice a day.
George, I’m not only in a state of shock but absolutely worried that my humans might take her advice. Am I going to be starving? I think she’s so crazy that she would put anybody (humans and cats) on a diet. What is wrong with these people? I don’t tell them to cut down on their pasta or red wine or cheese. George, is it true that we can become diabetics if we eat too much? Since humans are so obsessed with diets….what is a proper diet for a cat? 
Confused and mad
Luigi

Dear Luigi,
I share your irritation with humans. Have you looked out of the window lately and seen those HUGE humans lumbering by. Twenty stone or more of male and female flab. And they have the cheek to lecture us about getting fat! I see my human eating varied and delicious meals, while I have to get by on the same cat food (albeit of a different flavour) each day. It makes my blood boil.
I have to put up with a vet (whom I naturally loathe anyway) who lectures Celia on keeping my weight down. She's quite unpleasant about it: making personal remarks about the saggy state of my tummy. So I am on a restricted diet. Luckily for me I can supplement it by going out there and eating mice and baby rabbits. For cats with a cat flap, I advise doing this or just raiding other cats food by entering their cat flap.
If you are an indoor-only cat, this isn't available to you. What your human should be doing is to give you a more interesting life in order to boost your exercise quota. More fun instead of just less food. Ignore the advice about wet not dry food (unless you have a medical condition like cystitis). Get rid of the boring food bowl. Put your dry food into food dispensers (read How to Have a Happy Indoor Cat here). Scatter the food round the house so you have to hunt for it. It's not such good fun as hunting mice, but it is almost as good. Lots of games with fishing rod toys.
I might say that this should apply to humans too. Less time in the shopping malls and more time in the gyms or out on the hills. I push Celia out every Sunday to walk for 4 hours while I get on with the hunting. She complains but it does her good.
A fun-not-food-deprivation diet is what you need, Luigi. 
Yours 
George

Naked but not as nature intended.... these humans!

Dear George,
Look at me (and please don’t laugh)! Who did this?
Believe it or not ….ME! Yes, I did this to myself. Hard to believe but it is true! How did I manage to get this hairdo? Very simple!
By training my humans too well. See, I never thought there was such a delicate balance within the human brain between ignorance and willingness to please.
Don’t get me wrong; my humans are extremely nice and love me very much. They try to please me in any way they can; they attend to all my meows and needs day and night.
But, please allow me to introduce myself; my name is Mojo and, of course, I was blessed with beautiful long hair. A while ago my humans decided to get a new brush which I totally disliked. Each time they try to brush my coat I would cry and meow and cry again.
When they stopped brushing me I thought I’m living up to my name and use my magic power to make them do whatever I want them to. Well…the rest is history as you can imagine my coat got so matted they had to give me a shave instead of brushing.
But, don’t you think they should have got more knowledgeable about brushes first? Couldn’t they see that horrible little brush won’t work on my long hair?

George, do you think I fail in training my humans? What do I do now?
I can’t even go outside – I feel naked.
Very upset
Mojo

Dear Mojo, 
Would a human being like it if their hairdresser pulled their hair, or scraped their scalp with a comb, or hurt them in every way? Of course, they would not. They would never go to that particular hairdresser again. So why expect us cats to put up with this? 
You didn't fail to train them. You trained them not to brush you! Brilliant bit of training, I agree, but not such a good idea.

You should have been training them to groom you daily in the right way. They should combine the brushing with a delicious treat and never brush too long time. They should lure you with the treat to a place which suits them, where the brush is ready, and then brush for two or three minutes, finally giving you the treat. And then they should stop. If more brushing is needed they can start again after half an hour.

They need the right equipment. Zoomgrooms are gentle and most cats enjoy them, but they don't do a good job on lots of hair. Slicker brushes, used with care, are more effective as are metal combs (fairly wide ones). The cheap small human hairbrushes used for permed hair can be useful too.

Then, having given you a break, they can start again.  If they as gentle as possible, generous with the treat, and always patient, you will find it easier. They should (for the time being) cut out any knots rather than try to brush them out. Most cats dislike being brushed, because their humans tug at the hair impatiently, don't leave enough time to brush little by little, and pull out knots forcibly. Knots should either be cut out, or (for show cats) teased with the fingers gently, gently, and brushed a tiny bit at a time.

If you are now severely phobic about being groomed, there are some instructions dictated by me to my website secretary here   Get to work with those purrs and claws to help them learn this new trick.
George

George's obituary of Harvey the Inspirational House Rabbit

 Harvey the Inspirational House Rabbit was a shining beacon for rabbits everywhere. "He took over our lives as soon as he arrived," says Janet, his pet and primary care giver. "From the start he decided firmly what would be his own lifestyle, limitations and place in the family set up."
Luckily for other rabbits who are thinking of moving into a human house, Harvey left a record of his training methods. "It's not all cabbage and carrots being in charge of two humans and a house," he admitted. He monitored all visitors,  and enjoyed watching TV.
His diary of daily life can be purchased here
Harvey also busied himself with a little redecorating - putting frills on the sofa arm, and adjusting the carpet fringe a little. "It was all done very tastefully," he remarked, "They could have shown a bit more appreciation in my opinion."
Like all good trainers, Harvey recognised the importance of showing displeasure when training a human. "If they try to blame you for something, turn your back. If you want to object to anything at all, turn your back and sit tight."
His chapter on the importance of watching feet should be read by all house animals. It is an important insight into the world of humans. He realised that feet were the key to predicting human activity within the house.
He will be much missed. His legacy is his blog and the written version of it in a book. He also contributed photos to Celia's website.

Using catnip - do I have a problem? CCA is the answer.

Dear George,
I seem to be spending a lot of time lying in the garden bed next to the catnip weed. As I stroll past the enticing odour hits my nose, and I feel obliged to get closer for a real long sniff.
Next thing I know I am rolling on my back over the weed in what I can only call ecstacy...it is soooooo wonderful. I seem to be right out of this world. Nothing matters to me except the moment of pleasure.
There is one problem, however. I am beginning to worry about my supply. I think about it all the time. The plants themselves are suffering. The one on the right, which you can just see in the photo is surviving but the one on the left (on which I am rolling) only has a few rather battered small leaves. I am killing the thing I love. Any how can I guarantee a regular supply?
Am I getting addicted?
Yours anxiously (except when high)
Toby.

Dear Toby,
Substance abuse (common among humans) is rare among cats. Normal cats can enjoy catnip in moderation. We can take it or leave it. Or perhaps I should say we sniff it, we enjoy it, and then we leave it. But if you are spending too much time on the catnip patch, you may have a problem.
Is using catnip interfering with your normal routine? Do you spend too much time sniffing? Have you lost interest in daily activities like mousing and chasing moths? Do you find that your relationship with your humans is suffering? Are you grumpy and jumpy on a wet day when you cannot get your normal supply? Or are you rolling a sniff even when you get your coat soaked with rain?
If you say yes to any of these questions, you may have a catnip problem. I suggest you start googling CCA or Catnip Cats Anonymous. Don't let it ruin your life. You need help.
Yours from a moderate catnip user,
George
PS. In your previous life on the streets, you will have seen human alcoholics and addicts in dirty macs, with bottles and gear, slumped on benches, shouting, falling over, and generally being obnoxious. Take a lesson from them - get clean before it is too late.