Training my human to wave at me....

Dear George,
I am a 13 year old Norwegian Forest, known for my high intelligence and sheer drop dead beauty, and I do not feel that this picture shows either, do you?
I have taught my humans to wave to me. I wave back, with one paw....two would be excessive!
I "beg" [Ha!!] or more to the point, demand, by waving both paws up by my ears. My human has a nasty habit of ignoring me as I balance beautifully on the arm of her chair, so I sometimes have to wave harder, to the point where I wave myself right off the chair.
She then has the damn nerve to laugh, sometimes hiding her face in her paw, and snorting, but I know what she's doing, and stalk off, tail at 'full flag".
I give her time to reflect, then return with a very patient expression, and go through the whole thing again ....usually she gives in then, and I get the biscuit I've been asking for. Humans can be so slow, can't they? If she's good, I will then shake her paw, to assure her she's been forgiven. If I don't feel she's being genuine, I administer a quick bite, to make my point.
My humans are the third family I've had. My birth family had a human who named me Chaos, because he said I was a lout....moi....a lout? Then I had a lovely human who gave me a whole tree trunk to play on, in the living room, but she had to go away, and then these humans took over my household duties. 
The first night I was with them [scared to death, as you can imagine] one of them wrote to the human I'd lost, who was a long way away, in Canada, in an email which said "Hi Mom.." and she answered me!! I have been writing to
her ever since, and am working on a book, to be called "Chaos to Canada"
Best Wishes
Chaos

Dear Chaos,
You are right. The photo doesn't do you justice. It brings up another cat-human issue. Why are humans so obsessed with our tummies. They go gooey when we do our social roll exposing this part of our anatomy. They try to pet us there. In my case, they get a bit of a shock as I respond by scratching. Hard.
On a more serious note. Your letter is proof that humans are trainable. For years most cats have argued that humans cannot be trained to do tricks. Dogs, maybe. Humans, never. This misunderstanding arose because many cats didn't realise how competantly they were training their humans to buy the right food, open doors, and give attention when required. 
But as you have shown, as well as the training basics, you can teach them agreeable little tricks such as hand waving. I am working on teaching Celia how to jump through a flaming hoop. Due to the inevitable lack of human intelligence, this is taking some time. 
But patience and persistence are all!
George.

Help! My humans snore loudly. It is ruining my sleep.

Dear George, 

I do read every letter posted on your blog and I must admit I learned a lot over the years from you. Now, I need your help in a matter that I think it’s affecting my wellbeing.
But, here is my story. Lately my humans are behaving verrrrry strange. They started going to bed rather early; sometimes even before I finished my dinner. Then when they are sound asleep they are snoring like it’s no tomorrow and they toss and turn and puffs.
I don’t know what’s happening and I’m very worried as it looks like they have nightmares. Of course I can’t sleep with so much noise and I don’t know what to do.
I tried placing my paws on their nose but they have 4 nostrils and I have 2 paws so even if I’m successfully “suffocating” one …the other still snores. I tried to lightly pat their faces but no response; I jumped on one of them and then jumped on the other; Ugh! Some response! Last night I started meowing really loud and finally I woke them up.
My problem George is that they think I’m playing; they don’t understand that I can’t sleep because of them. I’m tired too. Day time I’m helping my mommy with her bookkeeping as you can see in the picture attached. At night I can’t rest because of them
Even worse….now they are planning to take me to a vet to see why I’m not sleeping at night and why I’m meowing and “playing” all night. How can I stop them? I don’t want to go to any vet and I want to sleep too.
Yours in distress
Thea

Dear Thea, 

The human body clock is odd. We are crepuscular, most active at dawn and dusk. Humans are daytime animals and will sleep like logs for eight hours throughout the night, often past the dawn. This is not natural for us. And, if the humans are snoring loudly, naturally we respond. 

I admire your suffocation technique -- though obviously it doesn't work with two humans snoring simultaneously.  You have tried jumping on them and also meowing loudly. These are imaginative techniques from your point of view and I think you should congratulate yourself on being an committed human carer.

Now we come to the difficult part which is their complete misunderstanding of what you are trying to do. Being hard asleep they do not notice the racket they are making. They see your natural reactions as unwanted interference.  So what is a sensitive cat to do?

Just pushing them off your bed is probably impossible. As I see it there are two alternatives. You could stop sleeping on their bed but this would mean sacrificing the warmth of two human bodies. It may also upset them, as human beings are often deeply attached to the idea of a cat on the bed. As a caring human owner you may feel that leaving the bed is going too far.

You could try giving yourself so much exercise during the day that you sleep more soundly at night. I suggest rushing round the house after using the litter tray, playing with their shoelaces (if they have them), running up the curtains, jumping up and down from every high surface, pulling socks out of open draws and carrying them around meowing loudly, and jumping in and out of boxes, drawers, or shopping bags. Get more active then you will sleep better. Try to entice them to play fishing rod games with you.

Stopping them snoring is just too difficult.

Yours sympathetically

George

PS. you could get them to read www.catexpert.co.uk on how to have a happy indoor cat. It would give them some ideas of how to improve your waking life. Get them to ask the vet about hyperthyroidism and Alzheimers if you are an elderly cat.

I was a purrfect size 11....

Dear George,

I’m in a bit of confusion and I need your help. Maybe you’ll be able to explain to me what happened. I was a perfect size 11 (North American size system) before holidays and now, look at me (photo attached) I barely fit in the box. Of course I share things with my human; he’s getting the shoes and I’m getting the box.

Or, he’s getting the French fries and I’m getting the steak. Not bad at all how we share things!  But, what could have happened to my human that he’s no longer a size 11?

Could his feet shrunk because of too much snow? Or maybe he’s just playing games with me? Maybe he brought in a smaller box just to fool me? The other day he made a comment that I indulged beyond ….whatever….this holiday season.

George how could I…. when I’m on a diet? I’m on a carnivore diet – no carbs.

Is steak or turkey fattening? What is he talking about?

George, why do you think I no longer fit in a size 11?

Vegas

Dear Vegas,
It's ridiculous, isn't it, that fat humans seem to be so judgemental about cat body shape. They don't stint themselves. They dine on roast turkey, leg of lamb, fried chicken, battered fish, steak tartare, creamy cheese sauces, ice cream ..... Yet they expect us to eat the same dried cat food or wet cat food in envelopes every single day. Sometimes they feed us the same flavour for years at a time. It's just not fair. 
Purrsonally I like a nice tight box. There's something very pleasurable about squeezing into the space and relaxing into sleep. I think that box fits you nicely. It shows off your beautiful striped back and nice white whiskers against the red cardboard.
I'm glad your human shares. So many humans don't. Mine keeps putting ideal boxes into the recycling area instead of leaving them around the house for me to jump into when I feel like it. Sometimes she decides she will leave me a box and she cuts a little entrance into it for me. I never use these. I just look at them with a sneer. Humans should not be indulged too much.
Yes, I like a carnivore diet too. But when I want to wind up my human I steal all kinds of food - buttered crumpets, crumpets without butter, bits of old bread, chicken skin(I get this out of the trash can by overbalancing it. I tried banana the other day - didn't like it.
Just ignore your human. If you are happy with your shape, who is he to criticize? Who's the boss? Not him.
Yours in sympathy
George.

Lil BuB and why special needs cats should be adopted.

Dear George,

You are such a fine expert in human behaviour but I need your expertise on a very personal problem right now. Look at me (photo on left). No, nothing it’s cooking in the microwave…..but something it’s cooking inside me and I simply don’t know what to do. I have the blues! Some sort of blues! I think I’m in love.

The other day I came across a website that read: www.lilbub.com  I opened the page and there was this beautiful cat, Lil Bub, with such a pretty face.

Her story is so touching, so beautiful, so inspiring! She is a rescue and she is lucky to have this special and kind human attending to her needs. I think he takes good care of her otherwise she won’t look so happy. She is very famous which makes me nervous.

No, I’m not jealous of her fame but I’m afraid that being so busy…she won’t have time to notice me. I would really love to spend time with her.

I don’t know what to do. Do you think I’m in love? Is this love?

Freddy.

Dear Freddy,

I hadn't heard of Lil Bub so I looked her up on Wikipedia and found that she has a congenital condition called osteopetrosis, which means her bones don't grow properly so she is small with stumpy legs and a short lower jaw leaving her tongue hanging out. There is one of many videos here. She uses her internet fame to promote good causes - rescuing and adopting unwanted cats and neutering and spaying.
Is this love that you feel? I am not sure, Freddy. Sometimes I am not sure I even know what love is since that operation which deprived me of my tomhood. Compassion, in its best sense, yes definitely. 
If we can teach our human pets this compassion, then many more may go out and adopt a special needs feline. If every compassionate human gave a home to a rescue cat, the world would be a better place. For them, as well as us.
Yours 
George, Cats Protection Rescue Cat.
Of all the internet cats, my favourite is Henri, the cat with existentialist gloom. I identify with him so much when my human is being tiresome. Which is frequently.

Emotionally blackmailed..... by humans?

Dear George, 
I need your help to determine if my human is indeed emotionally blackmailing me or not. My brother, Blackie, got this idea in his head and it’s bugging me now. You see, I’m the Master Mouser of the House! All…from mice to humans both respect and fear me (as you can see from the photos attached). My brother is more of an artist; he’s more interested in gossip, food and spying on humans. He won’t know what to do with a mouse; he’ll simply hide in a cupboard away from the strange creature.

So, my point here is that he can be a bit ….off too, but he was telling me about a conversation between my “daddy” and a friend he overheard the other day. Apparently my daddy (and I call him so as I know I’m his favourite) told his friend (talking about me) that “I better be nice to him and never complain about him as the roast, the turkey, the chicken, the steak and the fish…come from his plate”
I mean…what did he mean by that? Did I ever count or list the prey I shared with him? Did I ever remind him of the mice, the rats, the bugs, spiders or night butterflies we shared? What is this?  George, with your expertise in human behaviour I hope you’ll help me determine if my brother was right! Is my daddy emotionally blackmailing me?
And…if he is…what should I do? Cut him off mice? Rats? What?
Hurt and confused
Spokey 

Dear Spokey,
We cats do emotional blackmail. Not humans.  I doubt if the normal human is intelligent enough to do this, though I suppose I should not rule it out entirely. There is a range of intelligence among humans and while almost all fall well below our intelligence level, it is possible that the odd genius human is as bright as we are.

You must take action immediately. Punish him. If he is like most humans, then start sharing your prey with him in the middle of the night. Stash away a living or half living mouse and then jump on the bed with it at about 3am.  Or start playing games on the bed at about that time - leaping on to his middle regions (that should hurt!), poking at his toes below the duvet, or just sitting on his head.
A programme of aggressive grooming should be instituted. As he is sitting on the chair, jump on to the back of the chair and groom his head. Concentrate on the bald bits if there are any. If not fiercely pull some of the hair. Nibble his ears if within reach and see if you can pull some of the ear hairs. Most humans find this excruciatingly painful.

Withdraw affection. Remember cats can use emotional blackmail with an exquisite grace. If there are visitors to the house, rub on the legs and jump on their laps purring with pleasure. Gaze lovingly into their eyes. Then, if your human makes any move towards you, run away as if terrified. Try to create the impression that he has been cruel to you in the past.

That'll teach him to blackmail you.

Yours cheerfully

George.

PS. Blogspot seems to be on the blink. So if this layout looks odd it is due to that.