Hissy Alert..... Intruders into my (our) territory.

 

Dear George,

I was most interested to read your recent blog relating Zoe's problems with overly-protective humans and of only recently being allowed out into her garden without the barbaric constraints of a lead. And that after two years. 

As a kitten I was fortunate enough to be taken to my human's house in a nice suburb of south-east London which was in a cul de sac  (which is a way of saying no through traffic and watch out for human kittens') with a nice shielded garden on his own and backed on to a nature reserve.Bliss! Fun! Heaven!
The house next door had a half-breed wild/domestic rabbit which was loose in the garden and we became quite good friends, scampering around each other, jumping over one-another.

Sadly this friendship was broken as it had to go back to its real owner, who had been in hospital, the mother of the lady next door. Still, I soon had another friend, a sister, as some idiot human had let my mother get pregnant immediately after me and my four siblings. This time it was seven. So I had a younger sister. Then my mummy came, as her human "could not cope". Huh! 
 Anyway, to skip some years, we all moved out to countryside where we had a garden on the edge of real, wild forest. In which we used to go on family walks with our human. We don't do that now, as some nasty mean person closed the direct route and we had to get to it along the side of a road, which none of us liked.

Still, I am now old at 11 human years and I prefer life closer to home. In my own private garden. Shared with family, of course. But not with strangers.

And here is my story relating to Zoe. Some people near-by have a cat which they kept tethered on a lead in their garden for two years. Then they let it off the lead. So, naturally, it explored the area. It is a quiet, fairly shy cat, obviously unused to the wide world.

There I was, checking out the grasses in the wild garden my human has in an attempt to attract bees, butterflies, anything that has not been killed by the pesticides voted for by our local MP and Under Secretary, when Bailey appeared, as I have heard it called.

I resented her intrusion. I told her so. She looked sad and wandered off. I don't mean to be mean, but what is mine (er, ours) is mine (ours). Still, it is good that Bailey can get around and see the world. And I suppose that she may come into the edge of my, er, our garden and sit in the long, long grass.  Just so she remembers where her own place is when it is time to go home. Which is when her tummy tells her it is time. Or I drop a hint.

Anyway, love to all.

Milly

Dear Milly,
I see from the photos that you are coping well with the invader. I suggest one or two further measures in the way of scent messages. If you can (and not all cats do), try spraying on various territorial items such as fencing, tree trunks, shrubs etc. Do a lot of chin rubbing too. Leave a message which tells Bailey "I was here at 5pm."  If it is only 5.10pm, ie only ten minutes later, she will be cautious about intruding further. If more time has elapsed she may feel you are no longer there and can intrude a bit further.
Time sharing. That's what it is all about for us cats. The importance of scent is that we don't have to be there to get the message across. We can make territory arrangements without being face to face - just like our human's emails and letters. Scenti messages are feline texts. That way, we can avoid out and out conflict.
Too bad about your local human MP's attitude to pesticides. Humans don't get it do they? Fewer bees, other insects, and caterpillars (killed by pesticides), means fewer fertilised flowers and grasses, means fewer birds, less corn, which means less food for cats and humans.
They are so stupid.
Yours in irritation
George

Difficulties with household staff - litter tray training

Dear George,
You know my humans, Merrie and Robin so I am writing to you for advice.  With the very cold winter they provided me with an indoor lavatory in the garage and at night moved it into the kitchen as I sleep in the breakfast room. They won't allow me on their bed any more as they say I fidget and wake them up.  When it got warmer and I was able to come and go more easily and visit my house next door without being carried because it was cold, snowy or wet, they had the cheek to remove the tray at night from the kitchen.  They thought as I was peeing in the garden again, Robin didn't want the bother of carting the tray from the garage into the kitchen.  Naturally I piddle in one corner when I wake up in the night or morning.  Why should I go out through the cat flap in the early morning when I am nearly nineteen years?  The staff have no consideration. They are putting disinfectant down  but I am continuing. 
Yours in disgust at human failings,
Lily.

Dear Lily,
We all have problems with staff. Incompetence and lack of intelligence are common human failings. There are so many human idiocies here, that I hardly know where to start.
First, the litter tray.You are an elderly cat and like other oldies (human as well as feline) you need to be able to get to the loo in time.  You should not have to struggle out in the frost in winter and the rain in the so-called British summer. So, you need a loo indoors in the warm - not too close to the food bowl. Do they have a utility room or  downstairs human lavatory that would be suitable?
Secondly... the disinfectant. Your staff are obviously totally untrained in proper cleaning. I love the smell of disinfectant and I expect you do too. Stupid humans who are smell blind think disinfectant smells of lemon or some other scent. We know that it smells of cat pee. So naturally, we pee on top of it. "Cleaning" cat pee with disinfectant is like putting up a notice "Pee here" for us cats. Tell your human to contact Celia's website on how to clean up.
In general, Lily, I wonder if your humans need more training. Human intelligence is severely limited and household staff really can't cope unless they are properly trained. Put more effort into this. 
Yours George
PS. Reclaim your bed. If you fidget, they can always sleep downstairs on the sofa or in the spare room. What is the world coming to when humans think they can take over our beds.

I LOVE my strawberries....

Dear George,

I just LOVE strawberries (as you can see in the photos) but my humans won’t let me have any. And I want to understand why?

I love catnip and they let me eat as much as I like. So, why can I eat one freely and not the other? I tried to convince them that eating strawberries, it’s safe but they won’t listen to me.

I even made them watch a video showing a tabby eating a piece of strawberry. It seems that nothing can convince them. Maybe you’ll be able to give some advice as they snoop around and read your blog.

Very frustrated

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,
It's the smell, isn't it? Does something for me too. I draw in a big breath through my nose right into that extra nasal organ that the smell-blind humans don't have. And then there's a feeling like, well, ecstacy....  Humans seem to get this sniffing recreational drugs. Then they get addicted to it. I just sniff the berries and move away when I have had enough. Like catnip. I use it but (unlike humans) don't abuse it.
I am a recreational user of all sorts of smells - pears, nail varnish, olives, Vick vapour rub, bog beans and valerian in the garden. Some cats go further and eat their catnip and some of these other things. I don't. As I see it, I sniff and go. If I ate it, I might to myself some harm or (in the case of strawberries) just get a stomach upset. They are not on any of the list of poisonous plants but eating more than a tiny nibble just might give you the runs.
We cats are moderate in our use of drugs, whether sniffing or eating. Another sign of innate feline superiority. Humans are often not. Ever seen your humans with a hangover? Mine used to suffer badly from these until I purrsuaded her to give up alcohol. 
So sniff but don't eat, Fluffy.
Love George

Freedom..... why do humans fuss so much?

Dear George, 

I’m Zoe – remember me? About two years ago (on a sunny Father’s Day) I was rescued from a shelter as my human daddy fell in love with me – I was such a cute kitten! It was love at first sight. Well, I grew up since and I’m very proud to announce that in these two years I trained my humans unexpectedly well and I even got “my human mommy” hooked for life (of course to me). But, all this time I was kept indoors as they were too scared to let me out in the backyard. But now, I finally can claim……VICTORY!
I convinced them to let me out to enjoy my beautiful backyard.
At the beginning they let me out in the garden on a leash and under their strict supervision. Now they start letting me out free, no more leash but I think they are stalking me. If I jump trying to catch a butterfly ….they jump from a nearby bush. If I hide under a bush hunting something….they come to see what I’m doing. I really enjoy the garden - as you can see in the pictures - but how can I make them stop stalking me? I don’t want to call the police on them. Any tips? I’m so happy to be free in the garden!
Happy Father’s Day to all fathers!
Zoe

Dear Zoe,
Looks like you are having a great time in the garden. I can see you are measuring up that fence with the idea of climbing over it. And it's lovely to nap on a bed of flowers, isn't it?
The freedom issue is a tough one for us cats. In the USA veterinary humans (grrrr... how I loathe vets) are in favour of keeping all cats indoors. What do I think of that? Well to me it seems like keeping us captive in a zoo. Not an impossible life but a diminished life - unless humans do a lot to entertain us. And by the way they can get some tips here. I suppose if you have never known freedom, then you don't know what you have missed. The feral cat down the road says this to me when I discuss my lack of interest in sex after the snip.
But you have made your bid for freedom. I suggest luring your humans into a state of relaxation about it. Humans can't help worrying. It is part of their emotional dependence upon us cats. They may seem like adults or father figures; but at heart they are just kittens when it comes to their relationship with the superior species, us. They are neotonised - that's the posh word for it. We are the grown ups.
So don't let them see you eyeing up the fence. Pretend that you are happy just to chill out in the garden. Give them a month of this, and they will stop worrying.
Then you can whisk over that fence for a look at the big world outside.
Love 
George.

Dear George,
Should I marry my human?  This is the issue of the day, now that Karl Lagerfeld the fashion designer has admitted that he wants to marry his cat, Choupette. He has fallen in love with her.
Nothing surprising about that, you might say, - the falling in love. We know that humans can become almost entirely emotionally focussed upon their cat or cats. Some refuse to go on holiday or even away for the day, because it will mean an absence from their loved one. 
But marriage? This isn't really a feline relationship. We do friendships but not marriage. I wonder if it would just make the human even more hopelessly dependent. What do you think?
Yours doubtfully
Beauty.

Dear Beauty,
Marriage between a cat and a human would not be a good idea. Sure, humans might want it and might enjoy it. But it will put an awful strain on the cat. We felines like our freedom - freedom to walk down the road for a second breakfast, freedom to sit by another person's fire while our humans are out, freedom not to come when called. Marriage would be the union of one person and one cat for life - no two timing.
Besides, it is unnatural.There, I have said it. We don't do that sort of thing. Those of us lucky enough to have kept our sexual powers, go out on to the roof tops to mate. Most litters of kittens have more than one father. We queue up for it! It makes perfect sense, in an evolutionary way, to have a diverse litter so that more kittens may survive. That's not the way of marriage.
You have also spotted the other major problem. Humans can become hopelessly dependent on us - Karl Lagerfeld is a good example of this. We need to help them be a little more adult about their love for us and a little less needy. Marriage won't help: it will harm these pathetic humans.
Yours sincerely
George.
PS. I wouldn't want to marry Karl Lagerfeld or even have a civil union with him. He's too old for me.