Feline artist's model - I resent being dressed up

Dear George
What’s wrong with humans? Why are they so different than us? The other day my female human, who, by the way,  pretends to be an artist and keeps painting strange portraits of cats, asked me to be her muse for a portrait! Ugh! Well, not only that I resent staying still for long periods of time (because of her inabilities as an artist) but, I resent very much to be dressed up. Look at my photo with that horrible collar and you’ll understand! She had the guts to convince me that horrible thing it’s a “Victorian style collar”! Ha! As soon as I critiqued her knowledge and turned my back to her no-sense attempt of art she got really upset. I even thought for a moment that I won’t get any dinner.  Later that night  when she started being nice to me and rubbed my belly talking sweet talk I got really worried; I knew she’s up to something! Man, you can’t trust these humans!
Then I’ve seen what she was up to – take a look at my photo behind the bars!
George, is this a proof of her love or craziness?
Please help me understanding my human!

CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
The key to understanding any human is to realize that their species is a primitive life form.  They don't think like we do. They can't think like we do. Their brains are overloaded with unnecessary ideas, which in their arrogance they call "higher order thoughts." Actually, these are ridiculous thought forms that get in the way of a natural and adaptive life.
So, instead of getting on with her duties as a housekeeper to you, Victoria, your human is time-wasting with ideas about art. Regular delivery of cat food and belly rubbing (when she finally got round to it) are the activities that she should be concentrating on. But her absurd human brain has got in the way.
Art, though it may be a distraction from what matters in the cat-human relationship, is one thing. Dressing up cats is another. Yes, of course, it is crazy.
I have a theory that humans are so devastatingly envious of our natural coat of fur, that they sometimes cannot help themselves. They start dressing us up, in order to pretend to themselves that we look better in clothes.
We don't. Next time you see that damn collar coming anywhere near you, Victoria, hide under the bed. Or put your back up and strike out with all four claws. This human behaviour requires punishment.
Yours sympathetically
George

What's the big square noisy thing in the living room?

Dear George,
I have currently moved into a human home, having spent the last 10 months living rough on a housing estate. It beats living under cars, scrounging dustbins, and trying to break into houses to eat other cats' food. 
But I am very worried by a curious flat upright rectangular device in the living room. It sometimes stays silent but in the evening it breaks into human vocalizations and some odd wailing music. The rectangle also has coloured moving shapes on it. Sometimes I see the outlines of humans or even animals.
What is it? Why does it make this noise only in the evenings? It is safe to be around? Why do the two humans in the house sit looking at it all evening? It's not nearly as interesting as the possible mouse living underneath the cooker. So why are they so entranced by it?
Yours anxiously
Toby.

Dear Toby,
Some cats, and even some house rabbits, get interested in this rectangle, mostly if there are wildlife noises or animal shapes on it. I have added a couple of photos including me as a kitten. I used to be mildly interested then.  But like most of us, when I grew up, I learned to ignore it. It is just so boring. Lots of meaningless humans vocalising.There are no enticing smells coming out of it.   If you look behind the rectangle, as I have a couple of times, there is nothing there.
Humans call it a "TeeVee". As they have practically no sense of smell but overdeveloped vision, the shapes are exceptionally interesting for them. You can sit them in front of it and know that they will not get up to mischief. Harvey the house rabbit watches TV, purely to show his solidarity with his humans.
While humans are watching TeeVee it is a good time to investigate the kitchen, check up on any food on the floor, see if the butter dish is covered or open. You might find things to eat on the kitchen surfaces or the kitchen table. Always worth a little of your time.
Or you can take the chance for an uninterrupted zzzz on their laps or next to the fire. If I was you I would check up on that mouse beneath the cooker. This might be a good time to catch it.
Yours
George.

They're taking away my Christmas tree.... shame on them

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Dear George,
They are taking away the nice small pine tree they put in my living room. It was a joy to me. I climbed up it. I sniffed and rubbed it. I liked the smell. True, it wasn't very stable. It crashed to the ground a couple of times, but that made the climbing more enjoyable.
This year most of the twinkly things on the tree were plastic, too large to swallow. (The tinsel in the photo is last year's. I ate it, which was a mistake, I admit. Yet another visit to the vet, whom I loathe and detest.) I enjoyed pulling them down and batting them round the room. Those are going to be taken away too.
It's not fair, George. Finally they enhance my living space with the chance to climb, tear off stuff, and generally lark around. Now they have deprived me of it.
Any ideas on how to make my humans behave better in 2013?
Lovely Lily.

Dear Lovely Lily,
You don't tell me if you are an indoor-only cat or whether you have access to the great outdoors. If you do live indoors, you need a climbing tree, a climbing frame, or a cat gymnasium. As my photo above this blog shows, we cats need to climb. Climbing will give your physical exercise. And, just as important, it will put you in the right psychological position - looking down on your humans. For some reason humans only give us pine trees to climb at the end of December and they take them away again on January 6. Odd. But then humans are odd.
If your humans are poor but energetic they could go out into the woods and bring back a very large branch. Then install it in the living room for you. Otherwise they should think about putting up shelves and ladders for you. Make them look for ideas at my secretary's new website here.
Yours 
George.
PS. This blog is a bit short because my secretary is still ill. 

New Year

Dear George,

My name is Kiki and I’m an 11 years old aristocratic and cute girl. I’m generally speaking in good spirit and everybody spoils me as no one can resist my charms.

My family took a short vacation before Holidays (of course they came back to spend Christmas with me) and …..for the first time ever they left me with a cat-sitter at her place. Well, this cat-sitter (she is a family friend after all) got to my nerves and I didn’t really need any emotional up-set! Again…..generally speaking… I’m well balanced and calm as you can see in the photo attached but this woman was way too much for me!

Here is a short list of complains against this creature: she won’t let me sleep in her bed!  Yes, that’s true but I will never sleep on the floor or carpet so I had to sleep on a sofa in the living room. In the morning I will stretch waiting for her to rub my belly! What was she doing? She would say “good morning Kiki – such a glorious morning.” Who cares about the bloody morning if I won’t get my belly rubbed? Then ….she would have her coffee before she’ll serve me breakfast. Where on Earth did she learn her manners?

I think she’s nuts but can’t tell my family since they are friends. However, I made it my New Year’s Resolution to teach this “bad manners” cat-sitter proper manners!

So, dear George I need some good advice! What should I do? It seems that she enjoys being ignored so I won’t give her satisfaction but I don’t feel getting too close to her either. Should I shred her skin (maybe just a bit)? Should I bite her? How can I take revenge but teach her something?

Yours truly and lovely

Kiki

Dear Kiki,
Call her a cat sitter? More like Mrs Danvers in Rebecca (the movie) in my opinion. Of course, it is partly the fault of your pets.  What gives them the idea that they can leave you anyway? And why did they fail to leave proper instructions. A good human pet leaves the equivalent of a small booklet, taking the live in carer through every moment of the day. These are the topics that should be covered in depth:

• Food. Exactly when, how much, and any additions like sprinkles, treats, etc. It does no harm for the human slightly to expand the amount of food offered. As a gesture to make up for their irresponsibility in leaving you in the first place.
• Strict routine. All cats are fed first in the morning. Most human pets know this. It is essential not just because we like it, but because it helps keep the human in their proper place low down the pecking order. Cats eat first.
• Beds. Of course, it is not acceptable that you have to sleep on the sofa. She should sleep on the sofa. After all, it's your bed, not hers.
• Doors. Cats go through doors first.If you have a cat flap, the carer should nevertheless let you in and out by hand. It is part of proper human domestic duties.

These difficulties occur when untrained domestic servants are put in charge. A sharp nip or two might be in order but your aim is not to discipline or train this human. She is beneath your notice. What you do need to do, is to show your extreme displeasure and distress when your humans come home. 
Refuse to talk to them. Sit with your back to them. Ignore them. Give them the silent treatment for several days. They deserve it. If any visitors arrive, be all over them just to make the contrast more vivid.
You must feel a sense of having been let down badly. You were.
Better luck in the New Year.
George.

I carry a Christmas tree on my nose.

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Dear George,

Literally! Just look at me in the photo attached. Hey? Nice marking, isn’t it? Dear George my real name is Patches and I’m a rescue. I was in a cage at a pet food store since June waiting for my forever home. Someone at the Mississauga branch of the Humane Society liked me so much that placed me in this pet store hoping that someone with a kind heart will adopt me! It didn’t happen right away but eventually 2 weeks ago a kind and generous female took me home.

I found out that Alice is Jasper’s and Riley’s mommy! She had a big enough heart to make room for me too. She adopted me right before Christmas. That’s the best gift someone can give a cat and I wish many more of us find their forever homes. It is very sad especially at Christmas time to be left behind, alone in a cold, metal cage. I’m forever grateful that she rescued me! I like my new family very much. My brothers are nice, mommy is awesome (and beautiful) and daddy…….hm! I like his blue eyes and smirky smile and I hope he’ll warm up to me. He started paying with me already and I just hope I’ll charm him well enough that he’ll fall in love with me! Is this too much to ask George? Also, since I carry a Christmas tree on my nose do you think I should decorate it? I’ve seen humans having a little diamond or ring in their nose? I don’t think I’ll consider piercing but can my eyes be the shining stars? What else should I do at Christmas time? I need good, nice tips since I don’t want to upset my new family.

Wishing all cats and their human families a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Love

Patches

Dear Patches,

What a wonderful thing. A cat that has the outward visible sign of the inward spiritual grace of Christmas. Alice did the right thing in adopting you.  And I am sure you will soon win the heart of daddy. If there is anything that we cats possess in oodles, it is charm.

No, don't put a ring in your noise. It is far too beautiful a nose to do that. Humans put rings in their noses but they have such pathetic snozzles, don't they? Conks without fur.  Their nose leather is just sort of ordinary skin coloured pink. And their noses can barely smell anything anyway. So adding the odd ring is a way of covering up their inadequacies.

Your beautiful black and white nose, Christmas tree decorated, with lovely black nose leather is perfect just as it is. Your eyes beam above it. A wonderful sight for everybody.

Happy Christmas, dear Patches,

George.

PS. My human is ill so this letter is a bit rushed.