Training? I don't think so....

 My human says she is thinking of "training" me. Like a dog. A horrible idea. Some dogs are trained by cruel punishments or even electric shocks.

I talked to my friend Toby who has been through this process. He says I am seeing it all wrong. It is an activity which trains humans to come up with better food.

First they offer you a treat, then they have a code word which follows. After a little while, once you recognise the code word, you know that a treat follows.

This is when you start training them. You do something that amuses them - sitting up on hind legs, or following a target - they use the code word and divvy up the goodies.

It takes a bit of time before they understand it fully. But after a while, they get the idea...

And you get free food just in return for some absurd behaviour.

Simple. They think they are training you but you are training them.

Ouch! Get off my tail!

 I have always felt sorry for humans. They are permanently disabled from birth because they are born without a tail. There is literally nothing there not even a stump.

They are dumb in their body language. They can't signal with their tail - tail-up for friendship: tail bristling up for anger: tail hanging loose for ordinary investigation.

They cannot balance well either. We use our tails for balancing on high places. They have nothing like it so if they are rock climbing they just have to rely on hands. There's nothing better than a tail swing to adjust the weight of your body so you don't fall.

Disabled from birth and compromised in body language. Poor dumb humans.....

So I keep good care of my tail. I make sure it doesn't get trapped in tight places.Oscar down the road left his in the crook of the french windows and a bit just tore off!  

He's luckier than Puddy in the picture who lost almost all his tail when he was sheltering under a car and it drove off. We can survive without a tail but it's like losing a beautiful body feature.

Cats and sun.. be careful.

 I love basking in the sunlight - whether it's on a windowsill or just outside in the flowerbeds of the garden. I love the heat and the feeling of well being and relaxation.

But we cats can get sunstroke just like humans do. We don't normally pant like dogs so if we start panting, or became lethargic, we need help from a vet.

The other danger is to our nose and ears. We who have white faces and ears can get sun burned. And in turn severe sun burn can lead to skin cancer.  

We need sunscreen that is suitable for pets. Not human sunscreen. We need a sunscreen specially for pets. All you need to know is here.

To reduce the risk of skin cancer, we need to be kept in when the sun is at its most fierce at noon. Our humans should take notice if our ears or nose seem to have scabs or unhealed wounds.

We need veterinary help for this. Sometimes it means losing the tip of our ears but this doesn't impair our quality of life. Indeed some people think we look cute, like this cat in Italy.

So, humans. Pay attention. Look after us in very hot weather.

Kittens can count.... puppies can''t.

 

Kittens can tell the difference between a small quantity and a large one, like human babies can. Indeed they can do this as well as adult cats.

Human "scientists" spend their time doing all kinds of activities that we cats find pointless and sometimes upsetting. One of their tests, acceptable in that it offered food, was to see if a kitten would choose a larger number of food items over a smaller number.

In order not to give any human clues to the kittens, these "scientists" wore dark glasses, masks to cover their nose and mouth and stared at the wall.

It makes you wonder what the kittens thought of this very odd human behaviour. However, like sensible little animals they got on the job they were given and chose the larger portion.

Did they count up the food pieces? No, why would a sensible feline, young or old, bother with this. They just looked and chose the larger amount of food.

Puppies cannot do this, showing yet again how the feline superiority over mere dogs.

 

• Get your human to read this book...
  

The way cats live in Serbia

 

My human has come back with information about the lifestyle of a Serbian cat named Radosh. He has what humans (idiots that they are) call an "owner," Darko.

Radosh's life is completely different from mine. I am kept indoors all the time and fussed over by my human. Radosh leads an extraordinarily free life.

Indeed,Darko, unlike my human, does not interfere in Radosh's life very much, except to feed him when he turns up. 

Radosh has never had the operation that changed me into a home-loving cat! He has all his bits.

In winter Radosh disappears completely. Last summer he turned up again fat and healthy but the summer before he turned up looking thin and not very well. 

Where had he been? It remains a mystery.

Darko has not the slightest idea. 

Is Radosh like an unfaithful human husband, two-timing Darko with another human? Purrhaps.

In the mountains of the Balkan nation of Serbia, cats live differently, apparently, from the way we cats in the UK live now.

I think we have a better lifestyle but we do miss out on adventure, hunting and love.

Black cats matter too.

There is something odd about humans and thier attitude towards colour. They don't seem to like the colour black - which is why beautiful black cats stay longer in rescue shelters.

This colour prejudice means that my fellow cats, who just happen to be black, are ignored or even passed over by would-be human adopters.

Let's be clear. Black cats are as beautiful and mysterious and affectionate as any other coloured cat. They deserve a loving home. So help them get it.

Don't let your human be part of the problem. Puursuade them to spread the word and become part of the solution.

Black cats matter!

• My human is being boring and insisted on adding this pictures of "her" book. She just typed the manuscript when my paws got sore. All the worthwhile content is mine.
  
  
  
  
  

No cats at the Coronation!

There are no cats at the British coronation. Not a whisker of one. 

 Larry the famous Downing St cat was not invited to Westminster Abbey. Neither was Palmerston of the Foreign Office invited out of retirement for the occasion.

Attlee, the new cat who has adopted the Speaker at the House of Commons will also be absent. His pet, Sir Lindsey Hoyle, however, will attend in his place.

Rumour has it that there is no place for any feline at Buckingham Palace for one good reason. Dogs will pledge allegiance any day even if it is in return for a biscuit. 

Cats won't. They don't do loyalty. Felines are republicans. They grovel to nobody. Canines are loyal royalists.

Remember the Civil War, when we cut off the head of Charles the First? 

Who's for doing it again, fellow felines?

Graveyards are feline parks.

Thank the God of cats for cemeteries. For cats who live in urban areas, graveyards and cemeteries are parks - green spaces in a wilderness of brick and concrete. We can wander in these spaces without the fear of harassment from angry gardeners.

Of course, they are not entirely animal or wildlife sanctuaries, due to human obsessive neatness. They will mow the lawn down to the roots. They also persist in leaving trashy plastic flowers instead of the real thing. Poor ignorant beings.

But for cats, if not for other wildlife, there are trees and short grass and the flatter old tombstones make a nice resting place. I prefer the older tombs, myself, as there is less human disturbance in the older areas.

There is almost always a church nearby - a place where there is shelter from the rain if only in a porch. I myself have attended the occasional funeral, to the amazement and delight of the mourners.

My friend, Jake, used to haunt a church in the hope that a friendly human would adopt him. Finally, as he lay almost dying just outside the porch under the yew tree, a kindly lady picked him up and took him home.

For the graveyard - as some those humans whose tombs I use also believed -- was the start of a happier life.

 

• She's written a book ....  She'd like me to keep putting this on the blog. But I tell her she can only have smaller text!! There are limits to her purrsistence desire for publicity.
  

A purr gets more than a nip

 Do you want to get the most out of your human? Do you want food, or stroking, or an opened door? Think smart....

A purr may be more effective than a nip. A nip gets human attention immediately. Very effective in one way. But only in one way... And is is the right kind of attention?

A purr allied with rubbing against your human's legs might get attention just as well. And a different more rewarding kind of attention.

Humans are easily flattered. They respond to a show of affection even if it is not genuine. Try the following when you want something:

• Purr. Purr loudly and often. Humans fall for this one almost every time.
• Purr and croak. This is a purr that has a bit of a miaow in it which makes it more urgent. And louder. I recommend this when the human is not attending.
• Miaow. Loudly but not too often. If you miaow too much, the human may stop attending.
• Rub your body against legs. Always useful in the kitchen.
• Rub the face against your human's face. Very useful for waking them up in the night.
•  Paw poke without claws. This must be done gently and carefully. 
•  Slow blink. This only works with sensitive humans who pay attention to your body language. The stupid human won't get this or notice it. And most humans are stupid.
  

Act: do not react. Always ask yourself - what is the best way to get what I want...

 

 

 

The artist sees the soul.

 

This is a portrait of my friend Mr Spangles. A proper portrait by a proper artist who can be found on Instagram

The rather poor photo below shows that it is a good likeness, though I think Spangles looks rather more cuddly in the photo.

That cuddly look is actually deceptive. Mr Spangles does not appreciate being cuddled. He is very wary of more than one or two strokes.

Three strokes and his human is out...nipped sharply. He makes his dislike of extended  petting very clear indeed. 

So perhaps the portrait has got his touch-me-if-you-dare character more clearly than the photo. The artist sees into the soul, where the camera cannot. There's an old poem that sums him up.

".. wild for to hold, though I seem tame."

 

 

Me and food

 I like my food - regular portions delivered at the right time of day by my human. In an ideal world, each portion would be about the size of a small rodent and it would be delivered about six times a day.

That is how I would eat in the wild. I would have to hunt for each meal and many of my hunting attempts, at least half, would be unsuccessful. So to get six rodents, I should need to patrol, find the prey, and steady myself then launch a pounce at least 12 times a day.

That's  a lot of effort with space and patrolling between each hunting effort. So the timing of my meals would be one small meal, then a gap, then another.

That's not how I am fed. My owner puts down food for me usually twice a day, before she leaves the house and when she comes back. She used to leave unlimited dry food so I could snack as often as I liked, but I got too fat.

So, she puts the food down, usually an envelope. Then I eat some of it and leave about half. I often then ask for more even though there is half the food uneaten.

This irritates her. Even when I eat most of the food, I leave a little bit. 

"Why do you always leave something for Mr Manners," she asks rhetorically. 

I just smirk and meow for a new envelope.

 

Recognise cat dependance disorder

 Cat dependence is a little known human disorder that can ruin the relationship between we felines and our human pets. The emotionally needy humans need our help. Here are some of the symptoms.

• Humans insist on interrupting our sleep with unwanted petting.
• Humans interfere when we are eating - with more unwanted petting.
• Their separation anxiety (when away from us) is shown by their need to pet us unnecessarily, when they come home from a shopping trip.
• They insist on putting us on their knee, when we wish to sleep somewhere else.
• They pick us up and cuddle us when we do not wish to be cuddled.
• They do not respect our bodily boundaries - ie they touch us on the belly, or at the base of the tail, when we have made it absolutely clear that these areas are out of bounds.
•  They stare lovingly in a way that unsettles us.

Dealing with a cat-dependant human requires infinite patience, a careful programme of small nips to create proper boundaries, and the cultivation of a safe haven, where we can sleep uninterrupted. 

 

• For more on human harrassment read Being Your Cat.