Imitate feline social distancing

We cats have been social distancing for years. It is what we do. We timeshare space when we live in the same house as other cats.
Humans often don't notice us doing that. But often even if we share the large bed, we will share at a distance. We only eat close too if our stupid humans force us to.
We keep our distance from stranger cats - and spend many hours just staring at each other, occasionally breaking off the eye contact, before moving away to an even safer distance.
We practice safe space all the time.
Urgent advice for humans,.... imitate your cat. 

• Read this book during the crisis. Order here.

 

Enough! Get out of my space, humans.

I have had enough of humans... As doorflap pets, they are delightful. As indoor-only pets they are a pest. Attention seeking all the time! 
I have my routine. After breakfast, the humans go out and I stroll round the garden before my noon nap. A long one usually and, if possible, in a patch of sunlight on the windowsill.
Round about tea time I begin to feel hungry and, if my human returns in time, I don't have to wait to long for my next meal. Another nap this time on the sofa in front of the TV and then supper before sharing the bed with my humans.
Now this routine has been ruined. They are always at home. In my face a lot of the time. I do not appreciate having my noon time nap interrupted. Nor do I want to nap on their laps. 
True, I now get lunch, but in the afternoon I am never left alone. They want to play fishing rod toys with me. Or brush me. Or just mess me about.
Let sleeping cats lie. Just get out of my space, humans. 

• Read more about human management here. 

Human panic and cat freedom.

We outdoor cats are so lucky. Unlike our humans we go outdoors on long hunting expeditions like Sam in this video.
They can't
This week they tried to stop us going out. According to the media, the British Veterinary Association ruled that all cats should stay indoors. We mounted an online feline protest. The BVA website crashed. And then - surprise, surprise - they bowed to feline internet power.
Their advice was modified... You can read it here.
Now they admit that it is only cats in households with Covid 19 that should be kept indoors. 
Purrsonally I think it's a typical human fuss. The chances of picking up the virus from my fur are nil -- I refuse to be picked up or cuddled by strangers.
So humans, listen up. You cannot catch the virus directly from your cat..... 
I am a cat and I go where I choose.

• To learn more about idiotic humans buy my book here.

Rat delivery to the isolated

 This week I did my best to help my isolated human. She has been having difficulties with online food deliveries so I set up my own rat delivery system.
I delivered two delicious rats. I couldn't resist a nibble so one of them was only half a rat. 
I put this one on my human's bed, where she would find it after her boring breakfast of porridge. Better than bacon I thought.
I was wrong. She shouted in anger and threw it away.
Maybe she didn't like being given the lower half, I thought.
So I went and got a second one, a whole one, still half alive, and delivered it to the living room.
Young, tender, still warm - it looked good on the red carpet.
I was proud of my efforts.
Was she pleased? No. This time she screamed, pushed it into a bucket with a stick and threw it in the hedge.
Humans don't do gratitude.

• To learn more about human behaviour get my book here.

Help humans - bring a mouse indoors for them

Cats hunt, humans just stand around doing nothing

Indoor- only humans are finding it difficult to adapt. We need to help them find  more to do. I suggest teaching them to hunt properly.
Till now their idea of hunting has been to go out in the car and bring back not just food but unwanted stuff - clothes, shoes, gadgets etc. Just stuff. There is no fun in it.
Let's teach them to hunt properly. I started last night bringing in a live mouse. I released it in the living room - my human was activated immediately, shooed me out of the room and shut me outside.

So, to make things easier, I brought one in dead. She simply threw it out.
No playing with it. No great interest in it. Just a desire to get rid of it. 
She didn't even nibble at it.
Next I left a rabbit on the steps. Again no interest. She threw it into the hedge. Have I given up? No. 
Next week I am going to see if I can interest her in a something more lively - a rat. 

• Find out more about humans by reading my book here. 

Make your pet an indoor-only human

We cats have all the space in the world: but humans should be kept in.

Keeping human pets indoors-only is a fashion that is sweeping the world. Yes, the world. 
For years we human behaviourists have advised that if humans are allowed to roam freely, hunting in supermarkets and in bars, they are at risk. They may enjoy being outside, but it is a risk to their health, particularly the health of the elderly pets.
Now the world is listening to our advice. Lock down your human.
So my guidance to all cats is simply this: Keep your human inside the house as much as possible. 
You can allow visits to the garden, if you bodyguard them to stop human-to-human contact. Garden exercise will help your pet avoid frustration. But that's all.
Indoor-only humans are healthier and more available for their home duties.

• For more about managing your human, get my book here.
  

Feline plot failure

Larry the British Top Cat was within a whisker of political triumph last week. 
Larry, a master feline manipulator, is at the centre of British government (Number 10 Downing St) having seen off three human prime minsters. But he has been plagued by a mongrel dog who has been power sharing with him.
The Times claimed that Dilyn the dog was on the way out. The reason?
The pregnancy of Carrie Symonds, partner of Britain's fertile Prime Minster Boris Johnson. Human females find pregnancy long and difficult and only give birth to one kitten at a time. Pathetic, compared with our litters. As a result humans are paranoid about pregnancies.
So a clever bit of fake mews was put out by Larry supporters who feel he needs Number 10 to himself. Dylin was a danger to the pregnancy and would go.
We cats don't care much for human kittens which are noisy, leak at both ends, and very late developers.  But the absence of Dilyn would have made up for a lot.
Alas, the plot failed. Dylin stays...
 

• If you want to know more about coping with human babies read my book here

COVID 19 and the butt kiss.

Are humans safe? We need a new etiquette to deal with diseased humans. I call it the butt kiss.
Humans are, unlike cats, very bad at washing. Standing for two minutes under the shower is no substitute for the thorough careful washing we give ourselves from nose to tail.
Now their general lack of hygeine is catching up on them and they are in a panic about a new virus.  Worse still it seems they may be able to pass this on to us. Or so the Hong Kong authorities seem to think. Read it here. 
They say humans should not be overly concerned and should not abandon their pets. But what about us cats? Surely we should be concerned. Our health may be at risk.
Should we abandon our humans? I think not. But, if you have a human that slobbers over you, or breathes in your face, turn your back and present butt. 
If they must kiss and slobber, they can kiss our backsides!

Once we were gods.....

Once we were gods.  I have sent my human researcher, Celia to find out more. This is just one of her preliminary images, on which I hope to improve in a later blog. 
What happened? Truth to tell being a goddess wasn't all sparrows, mice and devoted human servants in the temple.
The ancient Egyptians seem to have combined cat gods and cat sacrifices. There were horrifying cemeteries with literally thousands of dried up and mummified cats. And research shows that these were not old cats, lovingly buried after a lifetime being worshipped in the temple. They were young, healthy and killed before their time, in order to be mummified for the next life.
The next life.... did it have rats and mice to hunt? Did it have succulent little birds? Was there sexy caterwauling on the sands of the next life? We cannot know.
I love this life, not the next.

• To find out more about humans read my book here.

Strange human areas - churchyards

If you live in the country, you may find an interesting local hunting ground. It consists of grass with upright strange shaped stones.
If you are lucky the grass is uncut and there are lots of mice and insects to hunt. Alas, many church yards (so called by humans) are ruined by short grass, thus reducing the wildlife available. However even the neatest church yards usually have some trees - evergreen yews. If these are old, they are easy to climb.
They also drop fruity seeds which are poisonous to humans but a feast for some birds. So, while there may not be mice, there may be birds to catch.
Finally, in the rubbish area, the best place for wildlife, you may find heaps of rotting grass and old rotting flowers - and therefore grass snakes. Or, if you are lucky the occasional rat. 
Check it out....


For more about human ecology and resources get my book here.

Poetry in motion - the cat walk

This is the cat walk. Watch the purrfect co-ordination of our four legs. We walk on our toes. We move both legs on one side of the body before the legs on the other side. 
But the legs on either side do not hit the ground at the same time, so that most of the time three legs are still on the ground. So our gait is both fluid and stable.
Unlike the ungainly two legged gait of humans. As a famous human writer admitted "Four legs good: two legs bad."
As for their feet.... almost useless toes on a flattened large pad. Pathetic.

• For more about ungainly humans get my book here.