Cats and bad weather... trust cats not groundhogs.

Dear George

How does one forecast weather? How does one know if it’s going to be cold or warm? Here is North America we mostly relied on our groundhogs to forecast the coming of the spring. The weather on Goundhog Day can influence if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow or not ... (check here) According to the legend, if the groundhog sees his shadow, then there will be six more weeks of winter.But if he doesn't, then an early spring and above-average temperatures are on the way! So, on Feb. 2 Punxsutawney Phil (of Pennsylvania, USA) saw his shadow and that means six more weeks of winter! But albino Wiarton Willie (of Bruce County, Ontario, Canada, check here) didn’t see his shadow and that means …early spring. 
Now who is to trust? What worries me is that with the “human catnip” legalized in both country I don’t know who’s smoking what and that’s how I found myself stuck indoors between blankets…cozy but still indoor! I love being outdoors! I can “smell” spring in the air but what can I do? We just have been hit with another snow storm today!It seems that Punxsutawney Phil was right! Six more weeks of cold weather! Brrrr!

George, how do you forecast weather in the UK? Do you rely on a groundhog or a weatherman?

Uma

Dear Uma,
My human uses me as a weather forecaster. I am very sensitive to the risk of ice, snow, rain and drizzle. I particularly hate wet. I lived on wet concrete under a car for a dreadful six months and only survived because Gaynor picked me up and gave me to Celia. So I never ever want to be out in the rain and wet again.
If I refuse to go out in the morning, which I often do, she knows that it is damp from rain during the night or the rain is coming. I can sense the moisture in the air. I feel the same way about snow. If I look up and see that yellowy cloudy sky, that in the UK means snow, I just stay inside and use my litter tray.
Ice and frost? If it is cold but dry, then I might venture out, walk up the garden, then return. If it is very cold, I use the litter tray because the garden soil is frozen solid. Dry without rain I patrol my garden properly. I don't claim to be entirely accurate, but human forecasters are not accurate either.
My message to our humans is this. Trust cats not groundhogs. If the cat is inside refusing to go out, it means its damp, cold and miserable. Stay indoors and break out some more cat food for us.
Yours
George.

Snoring or purring? That is the question.

Dear George,

I was sound asleep (as you can see in the photo attached) when I was suddenly awakened by loud laughing! I jumped up scared that maybe some strangers found the door opened and got in but, no…there was my human mommy laughing her head off! What was she laughing about? Well, she said she was laughing watching me snoring out loud! What?

Was she bluffing? I know I purr quite loudly but I don’t snore! I don’t even know if cats snore! I know my daddy does and pretty heavy too but, at least he has an excuse as he can’t purr. Believe me he tried many times but the noise that came out from his throat was rather comical! So, dear George, do cats snore?

And, by the way…what’s the difference between purring and snoring?

Leo

Dear Leo, 
Do cats snore? Some of us do. Snoring happens when our throat muscles are relaxed while we sleep so they don't move the air through freely. Then the surrounding tissues vibrate making a snoring noise.  It also occurs if we have a blocked nose from cat flu. We cats are also more likely to snore if we are overweight or if we have short noses. Sadly humans have bred Persians and other breeds with such snub noses that their upper airways are kind of twisted up. Thus the snore. The really badly affected cats may make a snoring noise when they are awake. Shocking.
It's absurd that humans should laugh at our snoring. Their own snoring is so much louder and unpleasant. I have sometimes had to leave the bed, when my human has a blocked nose and snores horribly.
Purring is completely different. Humans can't do this. The muscles in our throat intermittently close our glottis, the area which includes our vocal chords and the opening between them. Our diaphragm muscles also move and the sound comes out both when we are breathing out, and also when we are breathing in. Some cats purr silently: some loudly.
I purr at medium loudness because it helps my human sleep. And I prefer them to sleep soundly so that they don't wake me up by tossing and turning.
George

Cats and birds - yum yum

Dear George,
I have mixed feelings and I don’t know what to do! I need your help!Here is my story: lately my mummy started bringing home people and cats; human guests who stayed for too long (if you care to ask me) and few cats she fostered for a shorter time.
There must be something wrong with mummy! Why does she think she have to help everybody and anybody? What could she possibly be missing in her life if she has me? What? Last night I’ve heard her talking with a friend and promising she’ll look over her two birds if she’ll bring the cage over to our house (while her friend will be travelling overseas). She even promised her friend that I’ll be a good girl and become friends with the birds! Phew! How could I befriend a bird?
George, I love my mummy very much! Should I be honorable and tell her honestly that I’ll never befriend a bird or should I keep quiet and enjoy the “accidental” but juicy dinner? Would she learn her lesson then? What do you think?
Shumba

Dear Shumba,
Aren't humans dumb! Cats do not befriend birds. We hunt them. It is in our DNA. Has she ever seen you looking longingly out of the window at passing birds? I think she ought to take a closer look - your body tense with hunting desire and your eyes in a hard stare. It's not the look of a cat that wants to cuddle up with a bird. 
Here's a photo of one of Celia's foster cats, Boomer, looking at birds on the windowsill. You can't see his eyes but you can perhaps see how (despite being fat) he is craning his body round to get as close to the bird on the left as he can. Believe me, Boomer didn't want to befriend that blue tit. He wanted to grab it!
All in all, Shumba, I would just let her go ahead. Why waste the chance of having some juicy prey put right in your reach! 
Have fun with the birds.
Yours
George

Of cats and arts.

Dear George,
I’m sure you’ll agree with me that we are born naturally gifted, much more so than humans. It takes a century for humans to produce a genius! It takes us about 67 days at most to produce one in a litter. That should tell humans something, right?

I know you are a gifted writer and other cats are gifted hunters, acrobats or athletes.

I’m exceptionally gifted as a painter. I took up painting but my human (just like yours, George) is not only sabotaging me …she’s stealing my art too! Huh!
I must admit I have much fun dipping my paws in paint and then work the canvas!

What does she do? She waits until I’m asleep and recreates some portraits or still nature painted by me and signs the painting with her own name. I tried few times to cover her signature with my unique “paw-signature” but she must have a method to erase mine. Totally unfair. You know what I’m talking about! So, George what are we going to do? Whatever you’ll suggest I’ll follow! How would you stop Celia from stealing your work and admitting that you are the author? How am I going to stop my human pretending that she’s a great artist and give me credit for her success?

Totally yours,
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Humans are terrible plagiarists. I have suffered too. Because I cannot use my paws to type, I am reliant on a human typist, Celia. Not only does she try to pass off this blog as my own, she also has claimed authorship for my best selling volume, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. I have a nephew, also called George, who is currently negotiating with an agent to publish a useful book about human management: he says he will only write it if his name is on the cover. We shall see what happens....
Could you purrsade your human to add a pawprint to her signature? Terence Cuneo, a successful painter of ceremonial occasions, always added a signature tiny mouse to his paintings. For more detail read here. In one of his painting a mouse was riding on the back of a cowboy in a stampede.
How much better would it be if she added just a pawprint. Either near her signature or somewhere semi-concealed on each painting? I know its not the same as your proper paw print without her name, but at least it's a start.
Yours 
George

Excuse my French, but do cats fart?

Dear George,
I was sitting with my brother Stanley (the tabby in the photo attached) and our human parents watching a movie on Netflix. My Mom made a comment that someone had broken wind….looking towards us, the cats! Well, I thought this was totally disrespectful and discriminatory…under the circumstances! I certainly didn’t! Did Stanley? He meowed “nope”! Then, this left us with the assumption that one of our humans have farted! But…who? Daddy? Mommy? They won’t admit it! What else would you expect from humans? Plead guilty?

No way! However, regardless of who has farted last night…my question to you George is: do cats actually fart? And, if they do….why? What make them pass gas? Could this become a scary health issue?
Yours 
Rocky

Dear Rocky,
We do fart! But we are usually much quieter about it than humans! Indeed many humans never heard a feline fart, even when they have smelled it. With our superior hearing, of course, we can hear the wind being expelled. Very occasionally we do a loud one like this one here on YouTube.
We fart when we have eaten something that doesn't agree with us - cow's milk, other dairy products with lactose, human food, takeaway human meals, cheap pet food with lots of fillers and not much protein, or when we have gobbled down our food so fast that we have taken in air at the same time. Humans, please note, we need higher quality pet food and a place of safety to eat it!
Excessive farting may mean something is wrong, particularly if it is accompanied by a bloated tummy or loose stools. Possible causes are internal parasites like worms or giardia, or gastrointestinal disease. Some cats have food sensitivities and need a special diet.
I hate to say this, because I loathe and detest vets, but excessive gas needs a visit to the vet!
Yours
George

Thank goodness the season of good will is over...

Dear George,
I’m so happy that the holidays are over and the visitors gone to their homes, no more loud music or noise from human non-sense talking! Oh boy! I love being back to old habits and routine! Yes, I know I sound “grumpy” but when your home is invaded by adults, teenagers, grandkids and small dogs for over a week …how could anybody be happy? 

I got tired of hiding from grandkids and barking dogs! I’ve got tired of missing meals because of the noise in the house! I did not feel safe in my own home! I really think “something’s gotta give”. I think my human now realizes that she was wrong inviting them over! But, she can’t turn the time back! And, I’m not ready to forgive her yet! How do I know she feels guilty? She’s being extra nice with me, she’s doing that stupid “baby talk”, she even pretended she “forgot” the treats pouch open on the table. Phew! 

But, no, I want more severe punishments for her so next year she’ll remember before she’ll extend any invitation! George, any ideas of harsh punishment?

Yours,

Mouse

Dear Mouse, 
Christmas is hell for most cats. As you say, your home is invaded by strange humans, some of them young enough to be really intolerable, and sometimes even by dogs. No wonder you hated it. I think most of us do. And the occasional bit of turkey meat isn't enough to compensate for the upset of our routines.
There are ways we can punish our humans, while Christmas is going on. I favour peeing on the Christmas tree, as a start. Then tearing down as many tree decorations as possible. Some cats even climb the tree in order to pull it down. If we are lucky, our humans then banish us from the living room, where most of the strangers are seated. Worth a try, anyway.
Strangers? Well, obviously, we do not let them pick us up. We discipline them with a sharp nip whenever possible. A nip may be required to stop any silly business with Santa hats (see the undignified photo of Percy here).

And the humans that insist on petting us and making silly baby talk, we just ignore or run away from behind the sofa. Purrsonally, I take up residence on the bed I share with my human and stay there most of Christmas. I'd use the spare room bed but that is occupied with human strangers. 
So can we stop it entirely? I don't think we can. Thank goodness Christmas only comes once a year. 
Yours 
George

Normal service will be resumed on Saturday.

Due to my secretary's shameful absence of mind (she told me I had given her too much work to do), last Saturday's blog entry did not take place. As loyal readers know, I tried to use a computer when I was a kitten (see photo above).
But my paws could not cope with the keyboard, so I am reliant on my human to type.
She let me down.
Yours
 George.
PS. I shall pee on her pillow.

Cats and New Year’s Resolutions!

Dear George, 

I’m a very young rescued kitten! I share my new human parents and my forever home with three little human kittens and a bid dog, named Jake! I must admit as much as my human siblings wanted me in their life….Jake didn’t! He was just an old, grumpy dog who was jealous of me getting all the attention!

It took me about 2 weeks to train Jake to become my best friend and guardian. Now we sleep together – me under his protective big paw! Both Jake and I have received wonderful toys and treats for Christmas! But, last night I heard my mummy asking the human kittens to come up with at least three New Year’s Resolutions! 

I’ve panicked! Would she ask me too? Jake? First of all I don’t know what the New Year’s resolutions are or what their purpose is! Do cats and dogs need to make some?  Or are they only for humans? I’m scratching my head to come up with at least one but I can’t think of anything! George, I need your help.

Can you make some suggestions? New Year’s Eve is only few nights away! I’m sure Jake will benefit too!

Purrlease…some ideas so we won’t be caught off guard! 

Wishing you, Celia, the Feline World and their humans a Happy Healthy New Year!

Whiskers

Dear Whiskers,
Feline new year resolutions should be simple. What does a pet human need? It needs more training and some careful encouragement for good behaviour.  A well trained human is a happy human! The same goes for Jake, your canine companion.
But let's be clear. It easier to train a human if it doesn't know it is being trained. So I suggest that you do not let your human discover what your resolution is. Merely put your resolution into practice from January 1 onwards. The ideal pet human is well behaved and obedient without realising that this behaviour has been trained into it.
Be firm.  Be consistent. Be kind. These are the principles of training an inferior species. 
Yours 
George.

 

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Christmas cats, reindeers, red noses.... its all on the way.

Dear George,

I’ve read somewhere that “All the world's a stage; and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts”. I think it was Shakespeare who wrote this but I’m not sure!

Now, if life is a theatre …who is in the front row? And, I mean this literally! If I am to play a role, should I have positive, happy people in my front row or someone miserable?

Of course someone happy, enthusiastic and supportive. But, looking at people lately I see more and more miserable faces! And, with Christmas approaching I’ve decided to make as many as possible happy!

Therefore I’ve decided I’ll be Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer this year…as you can see in the picture attached! Yes, I know my red nose is in the wrong place but it’s still bright and shiny! Oh! George, I wish you could hear me meowing the song J Outstanding…at least!

I truly believe that the song or maybe Rudolph does spread holiday cheer and teaches valuable life lessons such as: have compassion for all! Show gratitude and generosity! Be happy! Have a good sense of humor and smile often! Please listen to the song and add some cheer to your holidays!

Wishing all cats & their humans a safe holiday season and a Merry Christmas!

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Didina 
aka Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Dear Didina
I hope your humans appreciate the way you have joined in their fun. Dressing up cats is one of those weird human activities that some of us dislike. Humans have attempted this and come away with well deserved bleeding fingers. 
There is an embarassing photo of me wearing a Santa hat. My human tricked me into it by putting it on me when I was asleep. I woke up immediately, the camera clicked, and I was trapped into this photo.  A second later, I shook it off with the contempt it deserved.
Meanwhile, I would like to remind all cats that there is always the chance to get your teeth into a WHOLE turkey at Christmas. Lurk quietly in the kitchen and you may get your chance!
Yours
George
 

Who is the boss? Do we need a Mew Too movement?

Dear George,
Good question and quick answer: me…me…and me! I AM the BOSS!
Why I’m wearing “my name” on? Because everybody in my house wants to be the Alpha Cat (and I’m not talking cats here….I’m talking humans).
I’ve learned that the best boss is the one who has sense enough to pick good humans to do what he wants done and, self-restraint to keep from meddling with them why they do it!
My humans don’t understand this simple concept! Whatever I asked them to do they look at me first and they laugh! It is a happy laugh but I don’t need it! For example: I asked them for my treats at “treats time” - what do they do? They bring the treats but, at the same time they want to hold me or pet me or rub my belly! Damn it! I’m the Boss! Just give me the treats – that’s it! No cuddling! I tried to teach them the three “C’s” of leadership which are Cats! Cats! Cats! What did they do? They made a banner reading: Consideration! Caring! Courtesy!
George, what do I do? I’m at my limit of exasperation! Maybe I’ll shred their banner to pieces and replace it with one that reads: “Don’t blame the Boss. He has enough problems”. What do you think?
Yours
Minky, the Boss

Dear Minky,

We need a Mewtoo movement to help stamp out human harassment. Their hands get everywhere. They pick us up, swooping down from a height and literally pulling us high without so much as a "Please" or "May I?" They grab at us like that guy with a hamster on his head (see PS). And like him they seem to think they are entitled.
Keep fighting for your proper place in the family -- top Alpha cat. Start as you mean to go on. It's may become a claw and order situation - your claws to keep them in order.
Of course you are the Boss. That banner, Consideration! Caring! Courtesy! applies to them. Not us.
Yours
George
PS. This photo is Toby being trumped. He did not enjoy being made to look like You Know Who.

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Of whiskers and humans...

Dear George,
I need your help to understand humans and their true nature and behavior better. 
You see, my mommy is a medical doctor but not a behavioural specialist and she couldn’t answer my question! She’s specialized in something very difficult to pronounce so I won’t even bother.

Anyway, sometimes she takes me to her office. She created a room for me there, kind of a nursery. I can stay in there and watch people through a glass door – very funny! Last week we had to take the subway twice to the office since she took her car for a tune-up and, no, we couldn’t get a taxi which was very frustrating!  

I found the whole experience very interesting and amusing! Amusing to observe humans when they don’t realized that I was a hidden camera! At times was really hard not to laugh out loud! What I came to realize was that people try really hard to copy us – yes, like in the copycat song released last year by Billie Eilish: “Copycat trying to cop my manner….Copycat trying to cop my glamour”.

George, humans are trying to grow whiskers! Mostly the men! I’ve seen few elderly ladies trying really hard though! The younger ladies are more focus on eyelashes! Guess they can’t grow anything compare to ours so they using fake ones! So, so funny! But, my question is: why are humans trying so hard to imitate us? What is all this about?

Yours …in disguise  
Angelica

Dear Angelica
At last humans are beginning to see that our beauty and our lifestyle are well worth imitating. Their rather pathetic attempts at growing whiskers are a good example. Yes, the males manage a lot of hair round the lower half of their heads and (like our whiskers) the hairs are stronger than their normal head fur. But....
The whiskers don't work like ours. They don't work at all. We can move our whiskers backwards and forwards. We can detect surfaces (rough or smooth) with them. And when we swing them forward, if we have a mouse in our jaws, we can tell if the prey is struggling or limp. It's our sixth sense, almost. Watch them here.
Human whiskers can do none of these things.
Poor idiots. They do try, you know. I have written a manual entitled 100 Ways to be More like Your Cat, to help them. Anonymously, of course. It seemed to unkind to mention whiskers, so I concentrated on other lifestyle advice!
Yours
George.