Of cats and birthday presents from humans.

Dear George,

I’ve just turned four and I need your help to solve my dilemma; I have a feeling that my human pets didn’t really celebrate my birthday properly! I don’t exactly recall how did they celebrate my other three birthdays but I have this nagging feeling that they didn’t put too much effort into this year celebration. You see, I’m grateful I’ve rescued this stray family with two human kittens and no cats four years ago when I was just a tiny, few weeks old kitten. They seemed to be very happy all this time and I must admit they were very good servants so far. But, growing older and, obviously wiser I started questioning their deeds and, above all their motives! It looks like this year they “gifted” me with a new fence that I can’t climb so I’m confined in my own backyard. They know I love to wonder around the neighborhood so why would they do this to me? It is true they also gifted me with a little hammock and a cushioned basket for the backyard but I’m in my own backyard missing out peeing on my neighbor’s bed of flowers for example!For my birthday dinner I was served with one of my favorite pâté but where was my fresh, juicy mouse with four little candles on its head? Were my humans too lazy to hunt?
George, …these little things are bothering me. Are my humans slacking on their duties? Should I retaliate? Strong or mild punishment? Please advise!

Confused birthday boy,

Leo

Dear Leo,
Humans are hopeless at giving presents. Remember their horrified reactions, when you could still get your paws on a mouse and you gave the wriggling little morsel to them! Not a single "Thank you, Leo." Just squeals of dismay. Like me, you have probably tried over and over again to make them express some gratitude - dead mice, living mice, half dead rabbits and even (I dare say) the odd rat.
They are equally hopeless at giving presents. A mouse with four candles would have been wonderful. Instead you just get more tinned food. Not the same thing at all. How often have you been presented with false furry toy, when you would really have enjoyed a real furry rodent! Too many times!
What to do? My own technique is to follow the traditional feline advice. If it is theirs, take it over. If it is yours, ignore it.
Make your feelings clear by refusing to set paw in the hammock and the basket. Sit in the cardboard boxes that these items came instead.
Yours George
PS. I'd have eaten the pate too. Not a mouse but a shame to waste food.

Of cats and catteries - and how to survive them

Dear George,

I have two questions for you. First: why do humans have that need to wonder away from home for two weeks or more at a time? They call this “holiday” or “vacation” – depending on which side of the pond one lives!
Second: why do they think that placing us in catteries or boarding us on veterinarians’ offices each time they get this “wandering away” itch, that they re doing us a favor?

Hope you can shed some light on the topic as I was put again in a cattery and I came back home sick from the food I ate there. It wasn’t fun. Now, my human is trying to bribe me with two new brushes (as you can see in the photo attached). I love brushes and I love being brushed!
But, I’ve heard of and read about “live-in” cat-sitters or friendly neighbors who come twice a day or even a professional sitter who would come 2-3 times a day to check on us, feed us and clean after us! I rather stay in my home/territory than sharing the space with other cats while we are all constrained in cages.
She doesn’t do me any favor! How do I tell her?
In gratitude for your advice
Shumba

Dear Shumba,
Catteries? I call them prisons. Hateful, hateful places smelling of disinfectant and other cats. The sheer horror of the smells makes me feel sick. Humans are so nose blind that they don't even realise the stress of the new scents. My human does the same to me. Locks me up in a cat pen. She hasn't got a reliable sitter. I have a cat flap at home, so she feels I might leave home if she deserts me to go on one of her "holidays." And what a shameful dereliction of duty, that is!
I suggest you punish her when you get home. Refuse to talk to her. Refuse to sleep on the same bed as she does. Turn your back on her as much as possible. You might also, if you are very very angry, spray on her bed. Humans hate this: yet all we are doing is mixing our scent with theirs in a masterful exaggerated way. Try it! But make sure you do that first thing, so she links it with having been in the lock-up.
How to survive in the nick (ie a prison cattery)? I always take my own food with me. And my own bedding. And my own toy. And sometimes my own litter, too. It helps to have a little scent of home in these hostile surroundings.
Yours
George.

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Cat scanning the neighborhood

Dear George,

Cat scanning is what I’m doing as you can see in the photo attached! I’m X-Raying the neighborhood in search of a hot spot in someone’s garden or a chance for an extra- meal or treats or even a secondary home I can rely on …in case I need to rehome myself!
But, as good as I am at cat scanning I don’t know how to determine what neighbor is “cat friendly”! Of course, I avoid the ones who have dogs living with them or multiple cat-houses! No, thank you as I aim to always be the Alpha Cat!
So, George I would really appreciate few tips on how to recognize the cat friendly neighbors! 
Yours truly, 
Lila 
Dear Lila,
It's not easy to recognise cat friendly humans, because they don't have tails. We put our tails up, sometimes with an extra kink, when we want to show to a human, or another cat, that we are friendly. They can see this signal as we walk towards them. Without a tail, this isn't possible. (Not sure how Manx cats cope!).
It is always good to have a Plan B for Rehoming. Reasons to leave home include a new cat, a new dog, a new human boyfriend, and a human kitten. (Human babies are not only hairless but they are very noisey and smell odd. Weirdest of all, their human parents dote on them!). Any new living being in the house (except goldfish or little birds) can be very upsetting.
Which is another reason for cat scanning. We need to make sure that every inch of our core territory and hunting range is safe and welcoming. Have you thought about getting up on the roof? Also check out the roof of the car, the garden shed, or next door's garage.
Yours 
George.
PS. This blog may not appear next week as my secretary is on holiday and my paws cannot manage the keyboard.

Pet Memorial Day - Cats remembered

Dear George,

September 9^th is National “Pet Memorial Day” and I thought it would be quite appropriate to honor our beloved furry babies by remembering and acknowledging once again the important role they all have played in our lives! We form strong emotional connections with them! For some of us they become the best companion one could wish for, for some of us they become great teachers while for others they become best play pals! 
Whatever role they played in one’s life I know there was a strong bond and when they crossed the Rainbow Bridge we cried in disbelief, were sad, angry, depressed or confused. Some crossed over of old age, some from being ill and some crossed to make room for another cat or dog in need! It is hard to believe but it does happen – I call these ones Angels! I know there are many that are gone but I’d like to take a moment to honor and remember some of the cats I came to know on this very blog: William, Whicky Wuudler, Fluffy, Cayenne, Sigi, Oscar, Felix, Sir Winston and the list…sadly could go on and on! 
But I truly believe we should honor them by remembering them in their good days and years, how playful they were, how much unconditional love they gave us! How truly loving, lovely and beautiful they were! I’d like to dedicate this poem to all of them!

“Poem For Cats

And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
And, as a cat, you know I am most able
To decide anything for myself.

Are you coming then? asked God.
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly
For my human friends are troubled
For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

But don't they understand? asked God
That you'll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is....forever and ever and ever.

Eventually they will understand,
Replied the glorious cat

For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am....forever and ever and ever.

                Author Unknown

In our fur babies loving memory,

A Cat Mom

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Lauging at my humans' inability to become Master Mousers.

Dear George,

Looking at my photo (attached) you might think I’m yawning or screaming but I really don’t! What I’m doing thou is laughing out loud… at my human pets! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood where everybody is minding their own business ….neighbours don’t share too much of a social life! I think my humans are the only ones enjoying the outdoors and once in a while a BBQ! It looks to me that my humans are the only ones eating meat on our street! I don’t know if the others are barbequing carrots but

I decided to teach my humans how to hunt for a fresh, juicy steak, sorry…mouse! 

I must admit I totally failed! When I first came home with a fresh, still alive mouse my mummy screamed so hard that she scared the heck out of me and the mouse! So, I gave up on her. Next I tried my human daddy but I wasn’t any more successful than first time!

When I brought him a little bird to taste he was in such a shock that I really gasped in disbelief and the bird flew away! Phew! Damn it! I said to myself I’m not going to give up on him so easily! Next I brought him a baby rabbit! Do you think he was pleased or grateful? No! He yelled at me! Well, this was too much! Having enough of it I let the rabbit go!  George, why are humans so difficult to train? I’d like to know what I did wrong that I failed so miserably. In the meantime I’m rolling on my back laughing out loud as I let my humans believe that all meat comes from the frozen section at the superstore!

Yours….in disbelief

Bear

Dear Bear,

Humans are so ungrateful. I have over the course of several years presented my human with mice, shrews, rats (dead and alive), a dead weasel (really hard to catch), and several baby rabbits, some of them still alive. Like you, I have suffered from screams, yells and hysteria (over the live rat). It is extremely hurtful.

The live rat was my final effort to teach them to hunt. I left it in the kitchen for Celia to finish off. I thought that its athletic abilities -- it ran up the corner of the wall - would arouse her hunting instinct. Nothing of the kind.  So I had to grab it myself and she shooed me out and shut the cat flap.

The smallest kitten learns to hunt. How can these humans be so foolish. I have repeatedly tried to educate Celia - she just cannot learn.

Yours

George.

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Blowing a kiss to the cat sitter - punishing humans for "holidays"

Dear George,

Yes, that’s true as you can see in the photo attached! But now I’m in big trouble and I need your help! My intention wasn’t to kiss my cat-sitter good-by, not at all….my intention was to punish my mommy who dared to go on a two week vacation without even asking me or getting my permission! 

See, my mommy rescued me 8 years ago as a kitten and she never went away …not even for a day! But she decided on the spare of the moment to fly across the pond and visit some relatives of hers. She let me home with this live-in cat-sitter, a friend of hers!

Well, considering that they were friends I tried every trick I knew to scare the sitter! I even pretended I ran away from home but in reality I was hiding under a bush in my neighbor’s backyard! I must admit I was delighted to see this lady panicking, calling my name, going from door to door! You might wonder why I did all this! Well I did just to scare my cat-sitter enough to report to my mommy and hoping that….after all this mommy will never ever go away! The cat-sitter is really a nice lady but she didn’t tell mommy anything! 

And that’s why I’m in trouble now; mommy thinks I behaved and I’m a good girl, the cat-sitter thinks I don’t like her and she’ll never come back and in the meantime I’m being left empty paws….no promises from anybody! George, how do I mend my relationship with the cat-sitter?  And most importantly how do I punish my mommy? She must be punished! Must be!

Yours,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

It's the principle of it, isn't it! How dare humans neglect their duty in this way. Going away on a "holiday" is just not acceptable to us cats. No matter how pleasant the cat sitter, no matter how good the service,  the absence of trained staff is always disruptive.

It could be worse. I get put in a prison cell sometimes for as long as a fortnight. A whole 14 days of sitting surrounded by stranger cats, nothing to do, no familiar humans, horrible smells. The only  thing that keeps me going is planning how to punish my human when I get out.
The so called "silent treatment", refusing to interact at all, is what  I aim at. I  don't rub against them. I don't purr. I move away if they try to pet me. I sleep on the spare be at night. If I have sufficient control, I refuse to eat in front of them, waiting to scoff it down during the early hours. And if a stranger visits, I smother the with affection in contrast to my cold distance towards my humans.
Believe me it works. They get ridiculously upset. Try it.
Yours 
George

Why do cats surf? Train the humans instead.

Dear George,
I have a question for you! The other night I caught my human pet watching videos with cats surfing! I know cats generally speaking don’t like water or crowded places so my question to you is: what’s wrong with these cats? One of them, Kuli seems to be very brave since she’s one eyed cat surfing in Hawaii. Another (her name is Dinga) was skateboarding on the streets! The youngest of all (Boomer) was water-skiing and jumping up the trees! Phew! Are they so desperately bored? Or are they somehow engineered? You know ….like in being “genetically modified”? I mean…look at me (photo attached) lying down comfortably in my favorite spot on my favorite couch and purring happy purrs! My human pet says I’m a couch potato! I ignore such comments! But, out of curiosity….are there cats that really enjoy these things?Are they bribed with treats or what? I’m sending you the links so you can watch the videos for yourself and give us your honest opinion!

https://youtu.be/SxwGzpd1PQk  

https://youtu.be/YRbakPKgU5Y

https://youtu.be/MQpaZH-B97c

All good,

Marty

Dear Marty,

I think these cats have made a big mistakes. They have let themselves be trained by humans instead of being the trainer and training their humans to do cat-like activities like climbing trees, catching mice or using a man flap instead of doors.
I look forward to the day when we will see these trained humans performing on Youtube. For instance, training Donald Trump to jump through a hoop would be fun. Or training Jeremy Corbyn to catch ducklings in St James' Park like Palmerston the cat. Or training Mrs May to ambush mice in the cabinet room. These would make great Youtube videos.
Yours
George
PS. 

Rules for sharing the bed with humans....

Dear George,
 I have been wondering whether I have been spoiling my humans. I allow them to share the bed with me? Will this give them ideas above their station and make them think they are my equals?
If letting them sleep on my bed at night is a bad idea, what alternatives are there? The sofa? Or perhaps just the carpet in the living room?
Please advise,
Yours
Coco

Dear Coca,
This is a dilemma common to all cats. It's good to be generous to our humans and, to be realistic, they wouldn't fit into those odd little beds that they bought for us. So share the bed, but do so in the right way. 
Here are my rules for bed sharing with humans.
1. Get on to the bed first and choose the position which suits you. They can fit themselves round you. The middle of the bed is yours. The edges are theirs.
2. Insist that they sleep without moving. If you own a couple of humans, discourage any thought of human sex by walking up the bed, sitting firmly near their heads on the pillow, and staring at them with utter disdain.
3. Make sure they do not take up too much room. By gently but firmly leaning against them, you can imperceptibly move them to the edge of the bed without even waking them.
4. The bottom of the bed is yours on hot nights, when their bodies give out too much heat. Spread yourself over their toes, which will be withdrawn giving you more space.
5. The top of the bed is yours if you enjoy waking and petting your human. A strong purr and some careful grooming of their fur will ensure they give you enough space.
6. The space between two human bodies is yours during cold nights. Too bad if they want to cuddle: they should have thought of that before they got a cat.
Sleep well.
Yours
George

Hot nights and how to enjoy them safely.

Dear George,
I’ve been in quite a lot of trouble lately. These long hot summer days are ideal for wandering the local neighbourhood. I’ve been raiding the birds’ nests, stalking moths in the middle of the night, and I even had a bit of a face-off with ‘Teddy’ who lives over the road. I love to get him riled up but, on this occasion, he bit me and pulled out some of my precious fur.
The staff (my humans) were in such a state of worry when I returned at dawn that morning. They kept me indoors for a week! I was so desperate to get outside that I climbed out of an upstairs window in protest.
Good news is that we’ve found a solution we are all happy with – they have cat-proofed the garden with fence top brackets that I cannot jump over. Now they are happy for me to come and go as I please, so I can stalk moths all night long!
Yours,
Darius.

Dear Darius,
This is a good solution for a worrying problem. I live surrounded by fields (killing fields for me) down a cart track, so I am free from most dangers except foxes. Even so, I am called in every night at about 10pm for a last meal, which means I miss lots of hunting in the long moonlit summer nights.
Other cats face the dangers of road traffic accidents, feral dogs, coyotes, railway engines and feral young humans. They are therefore made into indoor-only cats, which is fine if they are given enough to do. Ideas here. But without proper feline arrangements, it can be devastatingly boring!
Your Protectapet fencing is the ideal half-way house. Well done for having chosen relatively intelligent humans! These are rare!
Yours
George
PS. For those outside the UK who cannot buy this go to Icatcare for alternative ideas.

Important - what your human must do in an emergency

Dear George,

I’m educating myself by reading the letters posted on your blog lately! I got plenty ideas on how to train my human in areas where she lacks wisdom and experience but, there is one thing I couldn’t find on your blog and it’s kind of bothering me! How do we train our humans in case of an emergency? And I’m not thinking just of the fire alarm going off or a power outage because of a thunderstorm! Of course all these things are good to know but I’m thinking of a health scare, emergency, accidents, etc. The other day I went to visit my dog friend – yes, I befriended a dog since his human mummy is giving me treats every time I stop by and I found everybody in serious distress. My friend’s mummy was in an accident and she’s now badly hurt and in hospital. What does one do in such cases? And, in worst scenario …how do we avoid getting back in shelters?

Can you talk to our human parents and advise them to think of our well being and always have a plan in place for us?

With gratitude

Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,
Such a good question... because most humans have a mental dysfunction which mean they cannot look forward in time for such an eventuality. They deny the possibility that it will happen. They cannot face even the thought of death. Yet they worry about the future all the time -- will I get a raise? will I get fired? will my hospital bills get paid. All things which might not happen. Poor animals. So full of anxieties and so unable to face the truth that 100% of us, cats and humans, will die.
Humans should be putting us in their will, reminding their next of kin about us and - most importantly - carrying an emergency wallet card. Thanks to your letter, Celia (who is my secretary and therefore read it)  has just ordered one which has space for mentioning me.  She assured me that the next of kin will also make sure I am OK. 
This is probably the most important letter I will every write on this blog.
Yours
George

Remaining a cool cat in a heat wave

Dear George,

Lately we have been hit with temperatures rising to 36 degrees Celsius and over. I’ve heard about some humans suffering really bad from this unusual heat wave.

I’ve found out that even London was hit with hot weather! The problem is that humans can dress sensible but we have to wear our fur coat year around! So, how does one stay cool and hydrated? I personally have central air conditioning but mommy did set it up on low as she doesn’t like cold indoors! So, she is dropping 2-3 ice cubes in my water bowl before she heads to work and when she comes back she’s always taking a damp washcloth and stroke me. She does this sometimes even in the winter when she thinks the indoor air is too dry even with the humidifier on! I must admit I like this very much! George, I wonder if there are any other ways to keep cats cool and hydrated. What about the stray cats and other animals? I’ve seen mommy going out and placing containers with cold water near bushes and in the ravine nearby. She even asked our neighbours to do the same! A while ago she created a “bathing fountain” in our backyard for the birds but I’m not allowed near it which, I think is totally unfair as I love watching birds bathing. And then….you know what yes, right – I’m daydreaming! Must be the heat …but she did build it. So, George, how do you stay cool & hydrated?

Princess Penelope

Dear Princess Penelope,

I have water bowls inside the house in three different places and one outside just near the cat flap. Of course, normally I prefer to drink from muddy puddles (it winds up humans nicely) but at the moment there are none.  None of the water bowls are near a food bowl, as we cats do not eat and drink at the same time.

There is a bird bath. And a bowl put out on what used to be a lawn and is now a dry dead area, full of water for wildlife such as hedgehogs (if we have any and 1 don't think we do). I sometimes drink from the bird bath but the local pigeons have a horrid habit of defecating in it, so I have to do this early when it is scrubbed and refilled. Drinking from the bird bath is another way of teasing my human.

I stay inside the house during the day, preferably on the tiled floor of the kitchen. At dusk I move out into the warm moonlit evening and start my patrol.... hunting if I can. At about 10pm I am called in for supper. Sometimes I won't come. But normally I am hungry enough to come in. 

Stay cool, your Royal Highness.

George. 

PS. You are truly beautiful. If I hadn't had the snip, I would be leaving home and hunting you down.