Lauging at my humans' inability to become Master Mousers.

Dear George,

Looking at my photo (attached) you might think I’m yawning or screaming but I really don’t! What I’m doing thou is laughing out loud… at my human pets! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood where everybody is minding their own business ….neighbours don’t share too much of a social life! I think my humans are the only ones enjoying the outdoors and once in a while a BBQ! It looks to me that my humans are the only ones eating meat on our street! I don’t know if the others are barbequing carrots but

I decided to teach my humans how to hunt for a fresh, juicy steak, sorry…mouse! 

I must admit I totally failed! When I first came home with a fresh, still alive mouse my mummy screamed so hard that she scared the heck out of me and the mouse! So, I gave up on her. Next I tried my human daddy but I wasn’t any more successful than first time!

When I brought him a little bird to taste he was in such a shock that I really gasped in disbelief and the bird flew away! Phew! Damn it! I said to myself I’m not going to give up on him so easily! Next I brought him a baby rabbit! Do you think he was pleased or grateful? No! He yelled at me! Well, this was too much! Having enough of it I let the rabbit go!  George, why are humans so difficult to train? I’d like to know what I did wrong that I failed so miserably. In the meantime I’m rolling on my back laughing out loud as I let my humans believe that all meat comes from the frozen section at the superstore!

Yours….in disbelief

Bear

Dear Bear,

Humans are so ungrateful. I have over the course of several years presented my human with mice, shrews, rats (dead and alive), a dead weasel (really hard to catch), and several baby rabbits, some of them still alive. Like you, I have suffered from screams, yells and hysteria (over the live rat). It is extremely hurtful.

The live rat was my final effort to teach them to hunt. I left it in the kitchen for Celia to finish off. I thought that its athletic abilities -- it ran up the corner of the wall - would arouse her hunting instinct. Nothing of the kind.  So I had to grab it myself and she shooed me out and shut the cat flap.

The smallest kitten learns to hunt. How can these humans be so foolish. I have repeatedly tried to educate Celia - she just cannot learn.

Yours

George.

-->

Blowing a kiss to the cat sitter - punishing humans for "holidays"

Dear George,

Yes, that’s true as you can see in the photo attached! But now I’m in big trouble and I need your help! My intention wasn’t to kiss my cat-sitter good-by, not at all….my intention was to punish my mommy who dared to go on a two week vacation without even asking me or getting my permission! 

See, my mommy rescued me 8 years ago as a kitten and she never went away …not even for a day! But she decided on the spare of the moment to fly across the pond and visit some relatives of hers. She let me home with this live-in cat-sitter, a friend of hers!

Well, considering that they were friends I tried every trick I knew to scare the sitter! I even pretended I ran away from home but in reality I was hiding under a bush in my neighbor’s backyard! I must admit I was delighted to see this lady panicking, calling my name, going from door to door! You might wonder why I did all this! Well I did just to scare my cat-sitter enough to report to my mommy and hoping that….after all this mommy will never ever go away! The cat-sitter is really a nice lady but she didn’t tell mommy anything! 

And that’s why I’m in trouble now; mommy thinks I behaved and I’m a good girl, the cat-sitter thinks I don’t like her and she’ll never come back and in the meantime I’m being left empty paws….no promises from anybody! George, how do I mend my relationship with the cat-sitter?  And most importantly how do I punish my mommy? She must be punished! Must be!

Yours,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

It's the principle of it, isn't it! How dare humans neglect their duty in this way. Going away on a "holiday" is just not acceptable to us cats. No matter how pleasant the cat sitter, no matter how good the service,  the absence of trained staff is always disruptive.

It could be worse. I get put in a prison cell sometimes for as long as a fortnight. A whole 14 days of sitting surrounded by stranger cats, nothing to do, no familiar humans, horrible smells. The only  thing that keeps me going is planning how to punish my human when I get out.
The so called "silent treatment", refusing to interact at all, is what  I aim at. I  don't rub against them. I don't purr. I move away if they try to pet me. I sleep on the spare be at night. If I have sufficient control, I refuse to eat in front of them, waiting to scoff it down during the early hours. And if a stranger visits, I smother the with affection in contrast to my cold distance towards my humans.
Believe me it works. They get ridiculously upset. Try it.
Yours 
George

Why do cats surf? Train the humans instead.

Dear George,
I have a question for you! The other night I caught my human pet watching videos with cats surfing! I know cats generally speaking don’t like water or crowded places so my question to you is: what’s wrong with these cats? One of them, Kuli seems to be very brave since she’s one eyed cat surfing in Hawaii. Another (her name is Dinga) was skateboarding on the streets! The youngest of all (Boomer) was water-skiing and jumping up the trees! Phew! Are they so desperately bored? Or are they somehow engineered? You know ….like in being “genetically modified”? I mean…look at me (photo attached) lying down comfortably in my favorite spot on my favorite couch and purring happy purrs! My human pet says I’m a couch potato! I ignore such comments! But, out of curiosity….are there cats that really enjoy these things?Are they bribed with treats or what? I’m sending you the links so you can watch the videos for yourself and give us your honest opinion!

https://youtu.be/SxwGzpd1PQk  

https://youtu.be/YRbakPKgU5Y

https://youtu.be/MQpaZH-B97c

All good,

Marty

Dear Marty,

I think these cats have made a big mistakes. They have let themselves be trained by humans instead of being the trainer and training their humans to do cat-like activities like climbing trees, catching mice or using a man flap instead of doors.
I look forward to the day when we will see these trained humans performing on Youtube. For instance, training Donald Trump to jump through a hoop would be fun. Or training Jeremy Corbyn to catch ducklings in St James' Park like Palmerston the cat. Or training Mrs May to ambush mice in the cabinet room. These would make great Youtube videos.
Yours
George
PS. 

Rules for sharing the bed with humans....

Dear George,
 I have been wondering whether I have been spoiling my humans. I allow them to share the bed with me? Will this give them ideas above their station and make them think they are my equals?
If letting them sleep on my bed at night is a bad idea, what alternatives are there? The sofa? Or perhaps just the carpet in the living room?
Please advise,
Yours
Coco

Dear Coca,
This is a dilemma common to all cats. It's good to be generous to our humans and, to be realistic, they wouldn't fit into those odd little beds that they bought for us. So share the bed, but do so in the right way. 
Here are my rules for bed sharing with humans.
1. Get on to the bed first and choose the position which suits you. They can fit themselves round you. The middle of the bed is yours. The edges are theirs.
2. Insist that they sleep without moving. If you own a couple of humans, discourage any thought of human sex by walking up the bed, sitting firmly near their heads on the pillow, and staring at them with utter disdain.
3. Make sure they do not take up too much room. By gently but firmly leaning against them, you can imperceptibly move them to the edge of the bed without even waking them.
4. The bottom of the bed is yours on hot nights, when their bodies give out too much heat. Spread yourself over their toes, which will be withdrawn giving you more space.
5. The top of the bed is yours if you enjoy waking and petting your human. A strong purr and some careful grooming of their fur will ensure they give you enough space.
6. The space between two human bodies is yours during cold nights. Too bad if they want to cuddle: they should have thought of that before they got a cat.
Sleep well.
Yours
George

Hot nights and how to enjoy them safely.

Dear George,
I’ve been in quite a lot of trouble lately. These long hot summer days are ideal for wandering the local neighbourhood. I’ve been raiding the birds’ nests, stalking moths in the middle of the night, and I even had a bit of a face-off with ‘Teddy’ who lives over the road. I love to get him riled up but, on this occasion, he bit me and pulled out some of my precious fur.
The staff (my humans) were in such a state of worry when I returned at dawn that morning. They kept me indoors for a week! I was so desperate to get outside that I climbed out of an upstairs window in protest.
Good news is that we’ve found a solution we are all happy with – they have cat-proofed the garden with fence top brackets that I cannot jump over. Now they are happy for me to come and go as I please, so I can stalk moths all night long!
Yours,
Darius.

Dear Darius,
This is a good solution for a worrying problem. I live surrounded by fields (killing fields for me) down a cart track, so I am free from most dangers except foxes. Even so, I am called in every night at about 10pm for a last meal, which means I miss lots of hunting in the long moonlit summer nights.
Other cats face the dangers of road traffic accidents, feral dogs, coyotes, railway engines and feral young humans. They are therefore made into indoor-only cats, which is fine if they are given enough to do. Ideas here. But without proper feline arrangements, it can be devastatingly boring!
Your Protectapet fencing is the ideal half-way house. Well done for having chosen relatively intelligent humans! These are rare!
Yours
George
PS. For those outside the UK who cannot buy this go to Icatcare for alternative ideas.

Important - what your human must do in an emergency

Dear George,

I’m educating myself by reading the letters posted on your blog lately! I got plenty ideas on how to train my human in areas where she lacks wisdom and experience but, there is one thing I couldn’t find on your blog and it’s kind of bothering me! How do we train our humans in case of an emergency? And I’m not thinking just of the fire alarm going off or a power outage because of a thunderstorm! Of course all these things are good to know but I’m thinking of a health scare, emergency, accidents, etc. The other day I went to visit my dog friend – yes, I befriended a dog since his human mummy is giving me treats every time I stop by and I found everybody in serious distress. My friend’s mummy was in an accident and she’s now badly hurt and in hospital. What does one do in such cases? And, in worst scenario …how do we avoid getting back in shelters?

Can you talk to our human parents and advise them to think of our well being and always have a plan in place for us?

With gratitude

Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,
Such a good question... because most humans have a mental dysfunction which mean they cannot look forward in time for such an eventuality. They deny the possibility that it will happen. They cannot face even the thought of death. Yet they worry about the future all the time -- will I get a raise? will I get fired? will my hospital bills get paid. All things which might not happen. Poor animals. So full of anxieties and so unable to face the truth that 100% of us, cats and humans, will die.
Humans should be putting us in their will, reminding their next of kin about us and - most importantly - carrying an emergency wallet card. Thanks to your letter, Celia (who is my secretary and therefore read it)  has just ordered one which has space for mentioning me.  She assured me that the next of kin will also make sure I am OK. 
This is probably the most important letter I will every write on this blog.
Yours
George

Remaining a cool cat in a heat wave

Dear George,

Lately we have been hit with temperatures rising to 36 degrees Celsius and over. I’ve heard about some humans suffering really bad from this unusual heat wave.

I’ve found out that even London was hit with hot weather! The problem is that humans can dress sensible but we have to wear our fur coat year around! So, how does one stay cool and hydrated? I personally have central air conditioning but mommy did set it up on low as she doesn’t like cold indoors! So, she is dropping 2-3 ice cubes in my water bowl before she heads to work and when she comes back she’s always taking a damp washcloth and stroke me. She does this sometimes even in the winter when she thinks the indoor air is too dry even with the humidifier on! I must admit I like this very much! George, I wonder if there are any other ways to keep cats cool and hydrated. What about the stray cats and other animals? I’ve seen mommy going out and placing containers with cold water near bushes and in the ravine nearby. She even asked our neighbours to do the same! A while ago she created a “bathing fountain” in our backyard for the birds but I’m not allowed near it which, I think is totally unfair as I love watching birds bathing. And then….you know what yes, right – I’m daydreaming! Must be the heat …but she did build it. So, George, how do you stay cool & hydrated?

Princess Penelope

Dear Princess Penelope,

I have water bowls inside the house in three different places and one outside just near the cat flap. Of course, normally I prefer to drink from muddy puddles (it winds up humans nicely) but at the moment there are none.  None of the water bowls are near a food bowl, as we cats do not eat and drink at the same time.

There is a bird bath. And a bowl put out on what used to be a lawn and is now a dry dead area, full of water for wildlife such as hedgehogs (if we have any and 1 don't think we do). I sometimes drink from the bird bath but the local pigeons have a horrid habit of defecating in it, so I have to do this early when it is scrubbed and refilled. Drinking from the bird bath is another way of teasing my human.

I stay inside the house during the day, preferably on the tiled floor of the kitchen. At dusk I move out into the warm moonlit evening and start my patrol.... hunting if I can. At about 10pm I am called in for supper. Sometimes I won't come. But normally I am hungry enough to come in. 

Stay cool, your Royal Highness.

George. 

PS. You are truly beautiful. If I hadn't had the snip, I would be leaving home and hunting you down.

 

The tail... what does it mean/ Can humans read it?

Dear George, 

I need your help in finding a common language with my human.

She is pretty smart and she did learn fast cat language but, for whatever reason she is quite stubborn when comes to “tail language”.  She doesn’t understand that we are way more sophisticated than dogs and we also “communicate” with our eyes, face, tail, body, etc. She takes the simplistic approach just like a dog!

At times she makes me think I’m training a dog not a human! I’m sure you’ll agree with me that cat tail wagging can mean so many different things! For example: when she calls me, unlike a dog who would be happy to come when called, I like to take my time and analyze “the call” – is it worth my time getting up? Is it about food? Or she just wants company? But, she doesn’t understand that because she doesn’t speak cat tail language!

So, she comes running throughout the house looking for me everywhere and disturbing my quietude! 

George, can you help?

Katho

Dear Katho,
Humans don't understand tails at all. Why should they? They don't even have one, poor mutilated things. So reading a tail, by which we can express so much, is beyond most of them.
Tail language, of course, is obvious to us. There is TAIL UP, a sign that we like the person we are approaching. We're flagging it up, as we walk towards them, as a sign of greeting and liking. 
Then there is BUSHY TAIL. That's just the opposite. Our hair is literally standing up with rage.  At about the same time, our tails are usually going up, then sort of drooping down to cover our backside if we get in a fight.
There's LASHING TAIL.  This is clear too. It says, "I do not like this. Stop it. Or I may bite you." LASHING TAIL is also part of our hunting procedure. We stop, eye the mouse, stalk and then lash the tail as a kind of balancing movement before the pounce.
What else? Well there is just TAIL MIDMAST.  That's the relaxed tail just hanging out more or less in line with our bodies, when we are just relaxed about about life in general.
But how are you going to get this across to her? Most humans can't red their at all. Write to me again if you have found a way.

Yours 

George.

Is my human scared of me? Bored cats go bad.

Dear George,

I’m very worried about my human but, at the same time, I’m laughing my head off as I’m convinced my human is scared of me! I don’t know why but lately she’s acting very strange. A sudden move or meow on my part will startle her? What do you think is happening here? I know I’ve been acting up lately because I’m bored being indoors while my human is at work. She stopped letting me outside since our next door neighbour got a new cat (which for the moment I hate)!  Also, I hate when new people are coming to my house whenever my human decides to entertain. It might be fun for her but it is a lot of stress for me. I suffer high anxiety because of all these humans trying to hold me, pet me! Yuck! So, George, purr-favor….your wisdom is much appreciated!

Bentley

Dear Bentley,

Your human needs to be taught a lesson. When cats have nothing to do, they get scratchy and may start hunting humans not mice! All that hugging, holding and petting makes things worse. Humans may like that sort of thing but most cats like short petting not hours of it.

You need hunting games in the evening. Preferably with a fishing rod toy. I realise that most humans are too idle to do this, even though they can wave the toy while they are watching the moving box called TV. See if you can get her interested by batting small items like fallen biros, bits of paper, string or ribbon. Play with shoe laces. She might then start throwing things for you. Humans are slow to get the message, so you will have to purrsist.

Show off. I find that a small piece of dried pasta dropped on the kitchen tiles makes a great toy.

Do zoomies. Don't know what these are? They are rushing up and down stairs, or round the house at top speed. Try to get her out of her self-obsession and into your fun zone, not hers. 

And while she is out of the house, get her to hide dry food round the house, or scatter feed you rather than put it in a boring bowl, or use a food dispenser. My ideas about making indoor-life more interesting can be found here.

Yours George 

 

-->

Hair care by humans - no shaving, purlease!

Dear George, 

The question is: can you shave a cat? Unfortunately the answer is: Yes, you can shave a cat! Why? If you ask me….simply because humans are obsessed with shaving their hair! I’ve seen my human dad shaving the hair on his face including his whiskers! No wonder he lost his sense of smell and orientation; I can see him at night bumping into walls and doors trying to get to that last slice of cake! 
I’ve seen my human mummy shaving her legs! Disgusting! Her legs looks like chicken legs especially when she wears a skirt! Phew! I know there are situations when a doctor will shave a cat for medical reasons but why do humans think it is cool to make us look like fake lions and puddles? 
Right now I’m fuming as I’ve got an “all over make-up” meaning….being shaved to avoid “matted fur”. Isn’t that stupid? There must be another solution for matted fur! George, please enlighten my stupid humans before it is too late (I mean next summer)!

Yours….almost hairless,

Mouse

Dear Mouse,
Follically challenged humans are hung up on hair. Theirs. Ours. Have you noticed that not only do the male shave off their whiskers, but the females, who have very few if any whiskers, nevertheless pull out the pathetic ones that do grow. They even reduce the whiskers above their eyes. And now the males are beginning to shave their chests.
I send deepest sympathies to you, about your human pets' behaviour. The obsession is really getting bad when they start interfering with our hair. We certainly don't need them to shave us.
A well trained human may help us a little with some gentle brushing, or even (at shedding time) get rid of some fur with the aid of a comb. Some of us long haired cats may even need daily brushing. Nothing more, purrlease. If mats form, it is the humans' fault for not brushing us enough.

Try to get your humans to do a proper hair care regime with daily brushing to prevent mats forming. You could remind them by sicking up a furball on the carpet. I deposited a particularly revolting one the other day.
I mean, how often do we need to tell them.  They are so dumb.
Yours
George.

Of cats and official jobs in government

Dear George,

I was using Google to find out what happened to some high profile cats when I stumbled upon your blog. I must say….your blog is cool! Oh boy! So much information:  I keep reading and reading and reading! But, the last two letters kind of scared me! The one about cats and noises and the other one about cats and cars! You see, I live in the countryside, on a beautiful and rather large domain with lots of trees, flowers, bushes, greens and even some sheep, hens and other little creatures! I love my life but, somehow

I’ve always dreamed of a life in a big City! Well, this opportunity came in a form of employment for my human. She is supposed to take on an important job in a big city!

Now, what do I do? Follow her in the big city or stay back home in the countryside and see her only over the weekends? I must mention that I will have full staff attending to me either way (staying back home or joining her in the big city).

George, another question came to my mind! What happened to the 10 Downing Street cats – I’m thinking of Humphrey? Gladstone? Palmerston? Larry? Oh boy! Wasn’t Larry famous? What happened to them? Are they still in the big city (hopefully not abandoned) or did they retire with their humans? I mean ….if I join my human in the city is there any possibility for her to leave me behind when her mission ends? I don’t want to end up in a shelter!

That’s where I came from in the first place!

Anxiously ….yours

Bijou
Dear Bijou,
The biggest danger for cats anywhere is traffic. In cities there are many cars but in residential areas, these are often slower. And sometimes the little side roads, where cars drive fast late at night have more cat casualties. But there's danger on all roads. And if you are enjoying country life, being stuck in an apartment might be very frustrating. Can you rehome yourself to a reliable country dweller?The famous government cats survive because of their privileged lifestyle. Gladstone the Treasury cat known as a cold-blooded killer for his mousing prowess is confined to the buildings. Palmerston, the Foreign Office cat, and Larry, the Downing Street cat are based near the relatively safe St James Park, and all of them have security men and police who open and shut doors for them! You have conscientious staff, but not the sheer number of them available to these three privileged cats. Look at their photos below (from Wikipedia).
Actually, one other danger are the fights between Larry and Palmerston. I have written to 10 Downing St to suggest various peacemaking changes to the street - high cat ledges, multiple resources etc - but received no reply. They believe human security comes before feline security showing how wrong their priorities are.
Yours
George


PS. Read Larry's twitter feed here

Gladstone

Palmerston

Larry the Downing St cat