How to deal with noise in the living room

Hello George,

I am interested to know why humans listen to some awful noises on a machine in the lounge (which is supposed to be a comfortable and serene area to relax). The odd time it sounds okay but sometimes I find it very upsetting and it causes me to react to show my displeasure. A cat I know demonstrated his displeasure by spraying one of the boxes the noises come out of! I think this got his message across very well! It is harder for me to do this as I am a girl. Are there any other effective ways you can suggest to demonstrate my displeasure? I am willing to carry out any instructions you provide to keep the lounge as it should be; a second bedroom for my slumber! If I let my humans get away with this what else will they try to get away with? It could be the beginning of a long slippery slide and I want to nip it in the bud! I look forward to your advice!
Yours
Gracie

Dear Gracie,

Girls can spray and do spray too. Particularly feisty females who want to send a strong message to their humans. Even nose-blind humans get the scent message when we spray. And there's something enticing about spraying on electrical items or even on electrical plugs. 
They don't just give off a noise: they give off an interesting plastic warm-up smell, of which humans are totally unaware.
That said, spraying is the ultimate weapon. It's almost the equivalent of the nuclear option for humans. It doesn't hurt humans but it upsets them dreadfully and can ruin the cat-human relationship.
So just Turn off, tune out and drop into sleep. 

Remember we cats can sleep anywhere - here are some photos to remind you.
Yours George 
PS. I adopted this motto from the l960s hippy one -Turn on, tune in and drop out. Hippies knew how to relax even if their drug problems were awful.

Feline party time across the pond.

Dear George, 

I don’t know about you but I’m in a party mood as we are ready to start our season of “summer garden parties” here, across the pond! As you can see in the photo attached I have the glasses and silverware ready but I’m having second thoughts about the menu! Should it be “finger food”? Buffet style? Mixed with my humans? They are big on summer parties. I’ve already invited few of my neighbours but I didn’t decide on the menu yet! I’m thinking maybe some lizards, grasshoppers (even if I’m afraid the humans will eat those as there is a real push for it in changing humans’ protein source) and, of course some juicy mice! 

The problem is that there are no mice around! You see, I live in a posh neighbourhood and mice are a “no-no” which will make them an absolute delicacy, an ultimate extravagancy on my menu! If I go for having mice on the menu that means I have to stay up few nights in advance and eventually wander off my neighbourhood in search of fresh mice! By the way, do they freeze well? What do you think George? Should I be eccentric and adventurous or should I let my humans cook and then just share their barbecued meats with my friends? Hmm!

Tough decision!

Your advice, please!

Yours….in good party mood

CAT Victoria 

Dear CAT Victoria,

In order to get your humans working properly, the easiest solution would be to share barbecued food of the kind they, not you, are used to. Many of the neighbourhood cats will enjoy stealing a hot sausage off the charcoal and levanting over the garden wall. Or just giving that wonderful feline imploring eye, which induces humans to cut off a bit of meat and hand it over.

Most Western humans are still uneasy at the thought of serving insects, reptiles and rodents - though these are on the human menu elsewhere in the world. Locusts in sugar are sold in the Far East and guinea pigs are enjoyed in South America.

If you must have mice, get your humans to buy these from a pet shop where they sell frozen food for snakes. You can choose from pinkies (no fur), fluffies (just a little fur) and big furry ones. My human once served these to me when I was temporarily anorexic and after defrosting they tasted just as good as the real thing caught in the garden.

Yes, mice freeze very well. But, even if you can stockpile mice bringing them into the kitchen, can you purrsuade your human to freeze them? My human just throws them out even before I can eat them! 

Yours 

George

PS. I have added a photo of my friend Tilly stealing a slice of dry bread.

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If it fits, I sits...

Dear George,
I must admit that I love boxes and bags and I don’t really think I need a reason or an excuse for it! I think every normal cat does but my mummy is quite perplexed by my liking or what she calls “my obsession”! However, she does her best to provide me with a variety in any color (black in the photo attached). She also does a lot of research to learn why cats love boxes and bags! Quite amusing, isn’t it? Here are few example of what she learned so far:

1. Cats like boxes because they are cryptic animals and they like to hide (I think this is a good one)
2. A box will give a cat a place of safety and security (hmm! I agree to some extent)
3. Boxes or bags provide cats with a cozy, safe places to sleep (of course, since we sleep between 16 to 20 hours a day)

And the list goes on! All this fuss about boxes and bags makes me laugh!

Mummy should know by now that understanding a cat’s mind is notoriously difficult but sometimes our logic is quite simple…like in this case: if it fits….I sit! That simple!

Shumba

Dear Shumba,

I love them. Keyboards, books, the backs of armchairs, newspapers and high shelves are all fun. But boxes are best. My friend Tilly and Tanni like them too.
I particularly like hanging my head outside the box. There's something about boxes that brings out my originality.
You are so right. If it fits, sit in it.
George

Dear George,

It’s me, Gizmo, again! I took your advice and left the postman alone but some days can be a real drag! Boooooring! So, I was thinking how could I have some fun? What should I do? Then boom! I got this brilliant idea to catch and bring inside a little mouse – just for entertainment!  Well, it didn’t go as planned because it happened that mummy was home that day!
Her reaction when I left the mouse free in the house? Priceless! I’m “meowing out loud” as you can see in the photo attached. First she jumped up on a chair and then she started “negotiating” with the mouse (with a childish voice): mouse, please don’t jump on me!
Please, go away! Let’s go out – I’ll give you some cheese”! I was speechless (still laughing)! Who has ever heard a human talking to a mouse? Definitely not the mouse! The poor thing got so scared that it run and hid! That’s when my troubles started! Mummy looked at me furious and said: now, you stay here and catch that mouse and take it out! Wow! She meant it!
She was fuming! So, now I have to be up all night and find the mouse! And God forbid to harm it because my mummy is a big animal rights advocate! She’ll never forgive me! George, how the heck am I going to take that damn mouse out without harming it? Any advice please?
In trouble,
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
We have all tried to please our humans by giving them a present of a mouse. Or a rat. Or even a bird. We have done our best to please them. It just doesn't work. Ever. So stop trying.
What do you do next? You wait till 3am and then start hunting carefully hoping to sniff out the mouse. Then you settle down to ambush it. When you have caught it, as you will if not the first night then the second or third, do NOT take it to show your human.
Humans react very badly indeed when we jump on the bed with a mouse in our mouth... very badly indeed. They may become violent. And the mouse may escape again.
Admittedly this gives you the pleasure of recatching it for the third time, but your relationship with your human will suffer badly. So dispose of that mouse quietly. Preferably eat it. Or if you want to eat only half, leave the other half outside if possible.
Yours sympathetically
George

Cattack alert... when the postman knocks!

Dear George,
I'm laughing my head off - the story I'm going to tell you. It is too funny.
Recently my human provided me with a cat flap(which was much overdue, by the way.) Coincidentally, we got a new postman too! And, that's how it all started.
I was sunbathing on my porch when I saw the new postman coming with the mail. 
He looked around and saw the cat flap, looked around again and then he bent forward and slipped the mail inside through the cat flap…then he rang twice. Wow! He definitely wasn’t Jack Nicholson nor did Jessica Lange come to open the door!  Why he rang the bell twice I have no idea. Anyway, he did exactly same thing for the next few days. Since it seemed to me that he either hasn’t noticed our mail box or has chosen to ignore it I decided to play a little game with him! Next day I stayed indoor waiting for him. The minute he slipped the mail in I bit his hand! He startled so easily that he forgot to ring the bell. The following day I was again on the porch waiting for him. I saw him coming down the street (he didn’t see me) – this time he was carrying a stick in his hand! I was so curious to see what he’ll do with that stick! OMG! You won’t believe it! He used the stick to open the cat flap and slipped in the mail! Aha, okay! So next day I “clawed” his stick J I don’t know what he thinks but since that day he leaves the mail in front of the door and does not ring the doorbell anymore! George, I know I misbehaved and I’m still laughing about it but how could he not realize that…that was a cat flap? What should I do now? Tell mummy of my misbehaving or should I sit on top of the mail box meowing so I’ll bring it to his attention? Maybe he is a good man who has never seen a mailbox in his life? 
Puzzled but laughing
Gizmo

Dear Gizmo,
The post is good fun. It comes through a cat flap or a letterbox just like a mouse pokes its head out of a hole. Attacking it is almost as good as hunting a mouse. Look how these Youtube cats enjoy it - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5lkucdrVuA Better still attacking the post gets your human's attention. They laugh.
Tempting though they are, postperson's pink fingers should not be attacked. Concentrate on the mail. If you do hurt the postmen they may refuse to deliver - like the case of Bella here 

So have fun.
Cheers
George