I have protested in the strongest terms - spraying

Dear George,
My humans don't understand me. A new despot cat has moved into the neighbourhood and they haven't even noticed. He's leaving unplesant and scary messages on the nearby plant pots and walking up and down the wall glaring at me.
So I did the natural thing. I sprayed on the windowsill - a big post-it sign which said "There is danger here!" I wanted to remind myself that it was dangerous to look out and see him.
Oddly enough my humans then sprayed themselves - pine scented disinfectant. A really big urine mark out of a bottle. Naturally I topped it up and have kept it topped up. They are getting even more upset than I am. And they don't get the message at all. How can I tell them what is going on?
Oliver

Dear Oliver,
This is a common problem among humans. They are scent blind as well as dumb animals. Can't read body language. Can't detect scent. Don't keep an eye out for other cats. Hopeless apes, as Wicky Whudler calls them. Worse still, when they do detect the spray scent of danger, they just don't understand it and try to cover it up with stuff they think smells like pine forests. Actually to us it smells like cat urine in a pine forest, and very strong cat urine. So naturally that makes us feel even worse and we try to cover it up with our own scent.
Your problem is how to communicate with an inferior species, your humans. Our rather sad pets often misunderstand spraying altogether. They think we are being "naughty" or "evil" or even trying to take our revenge on them. This is really pathetically incompetant of them but we must remember that humans are dumb animals. They cannot understand a word of what we are saying.
Spraying is an sign that we are anxious and that we need help. Usually what upsets us is the intrusion of another into our territory -- the cat next door, a new cat in the household, nearby dogs or a new puppy. Sometimes house sitters and cat feeders upset us too. So we spray. And usually where we spray give an indication what is going on. If it is near the window it is because we see something worrying outside. If it is near the door to the garden, it may be that a neighbouring cat has posted a spray mark just the other side of the door. And so on.
Our problem is not spraying. Our problem is getting help for our anxiety. Our humans simply don't understand us and at times this makes me gloomy,
George.
PS. My late companion William is sponsoring a photo competition in the Cat Extravaganza, 4th September 2pm, St Leonards Church Hall, Marshalls Brow, Penworththa, Preston, Lancs.

Design for modern feline living - and tease your human!

Dear George,

Since last time we wrote you ….we continued to search for ideas to improve a cat’s life In the meantime…. that’s right, we grew up a little bit.

Our nail covers are okay, don’t bother us. We change them every four months but more we scratch, as you can see in the photo, sooner we need to change them.

Anyway, our idea of training human pets includes the task to make them build “cat friendly” interiors. Having architects as human pets is helpful!

George, check this website: www.moderncat.net to find cat toys, furniture, cat friendly homes ideas and much more! Great ideas! What do you think?

Hugs

Yuppie & Anji

Dear Yuppie and Anji,

What a nice website for cat stuff. Get that human to open up his wallet or her purse and flash the card. Then you can do a typical cat tease. The humans have spent the money. The expensive new cat bed has arrived. Walk over to it. Sniff it and then turn away with a superior look on your face. Utterly refuse to use it - until the day you hear them discussing giving it away. Immediately jump into or on the "new" bed and start purring with self satisfaction. It's really fun to see their faces.

Do we want expensive items? Well humans like buying them for us but as far as I am concerned, cardboard boxes will do a lot. A box can be cut into a bed shape with an open top or into a hidey hole, with an entrance and a window to look out. The latter is good for frightened cats and cat shelters in the US use them.

Get your human to make a cardboard box into a tunnel and whiz through it. There's a great Youtube of Maru a Japanese cat disappearing into boxes on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urizHysauG0 Help them cover the litter tray by using a box. Or make them adapt a small one into a food dispenser, buy making a large hole so that we can hook out the food. Yes, if they get the hole the wrong size, our heads will get stuck. I got my head stuck when Celia got it wrong - luckily she was there to help me get it out.

Here are a few photos of things to do with boxes and I welcome other ideas from cats.

Love George

Lucky - I was saved from the streets

Dear George,

I’m Lucky - the cat! I’m a little tiny kitten that only a month ago was homeless and full of any parasite possible! I was abandoned on the streets of one small town in Europe.

Since I was “saved” by my mom I learned a lot!

First, I learn to read your blog for useful information and see what other cats do

Second, I learn that my mom lost not long ago her beloved cat for over 20 years and was heartbroken and not ready for another cat yet!

Third, I learn that with sincere purrs and ….hope …any of us, abandoned cats, have a chance! Look at my pictures and tell me if I’m not lucky!

Love & hugs to all cats

Lucky

Dear Lucky,

I was lucky too. I was born to a feral cat but Cats Protection rescued me and brought me to be a pet. That way I could fit into the home life of a different species, Homo sapiens (so called). Which is how I adopted Celia. The life of a feral cat is nasty, brutish and short - most kittens don't survive even to reproduce. Compared with that, life with humans is a cushy number even if humans are only dumb animals (can't mew, can't purr and don't know how to do body language).

Remember you are the one doing your human the favour. You have condescended to live with her. She may have rescued you but you can overdo the gratitude. You are giving her all the pleasures of living with you - the sight of your grace and beauty, the softness of your fur (poor soul, she's only got a pathetic substitute for fur which is clothes), and the inestimable pleasure of your purring (she just can't). She's the one who should be grateful.

Yes, there are good and loving humans. Some of us feel that humans are our best friends. We can talk to them about anything and they can'ttalk back - just meaningless vocalisations. They like having a superior species in the household and they enjoyknowing their place, well below the alpha cat.

So love her but remember CATS RULE.

Love

George

Unhappy Persian seeks handsome lover

Dear George
Well, what a story I have to tell you! I've been terribly mis-treated. My name is Tia, and I am a very unhappy Persian! I'm still beautiful though. I hope tortie colourpoints are your favourite.
Anyway, on to my mistreatment. As I say, I'm a Persian. My human has decided that I should have kittens. She calls herself a breeder, whatever that is. Last week, I was doing my usual thing, you know the thing where we shout a lot because you boys won't pay us enough attention, then go to the human pets and rub against them until they scratch us, then roll about on the floor. Well, I was really enjoying myself! There was a nice boy down in the car park, but She wouldn't let me go to him. I told her what I thought in no uncertain terms, but she just told me to stop making that noise, that she wanted some sleep.
Anyway, the next day, I did the same thing again, and you know what my human did? She put me in my carrier, which I like, by the way, because it means I get to show everyone how beautiful I am when She takes me places, took me on a train and then a very noisy tram, and left me at a house where there was a boy cat! Well, he was very handsome, but George, there was only one thing on his mind, and he wasn't taking no
for an answer! He was nice about it though. He'd sneak up on me rather than pouncing. We even shared a litter tray, and some food! Now all we need is the wine. I don't know what that is, but the human always jokes about that when she goes somewhere with a boy.
He thought this gentlemanly treatment entitled him to certain privilages, but being an upper class lady as I am, I promptly turned around, hissed at him and sent him packing. George, I'm ashamed to admit it, but despite my good breeding and usually flawless manners, I even swore at him! He kept this up for the next few days, and my reactions were the same.
So my question is this. How on earth do I make my human realise that I choose the man and not her! I know she wants certain types of kittens, but honestly, the indignity of it! I'm quite cross with her.
Please help! I need training tips as mine aren't working any more. By the way, you do look rather handsome. Have you ever thought of becoming a daddy? I wouldn't swear at you at all.
Tia
Comments on mating tactics and general cheering up are welcome on my blog which is cuddlesandcatnip.blogspot.com

Dear Tia,
Alas, I cannot become a daddy. They've given me the snip. All part of the way humans control our sex lives, Hypocrites. They don't control their own. They think it is all right to have sex in and out of season - unlike us cats who wait for the right season. It's quite disgusting. and then they deny sex altogether for most of us. Why do we put up with them?
Humans claim that once a female cat is on heat, she is anybody's. And it is true that 80% of cat litters in towns produce kittens with more than one father. But that's not because we are anybody's. A peeping tom scientist in Italy who observed our matings said that half of us female cats just accepted any tom cat and assumed from that we did not make a choice. She ignored the females who did refuse some of the toms and she ignored the fact that half the females fancied all of the toms! Why not? That's a choice. We mate with more than one tom cat because it's the most efficient way to make sure that we get a good variety of kittens and maximise passing on our genes.
So get out there, Tia. If you fancy that tom in the car park, start trying to escape. Be very surreptitious about this. Don't let your human pet know what you have in mind. Best time to slip out will probably be when she comes home from work or with the shopping. She will be fiddling with the door key and as soon as the door opens, leg it.... Best of luck.
George.
PS. Posting a bit shorter than usual because my secretary has a painful finger bound up due to snapping the tendons of it. She'll be like this of 6 weeks or more.
PPS. Good comment by Wicky Wuudler below.

Does my tum look big on this floor? STS - the truth.

Dear George,
My name is Tom-Tom and I live in a lovely flat in Paris. I am very, very affectionate and always welcome everyone who comes to visit me. I stay with my friend, Mimi when my mum goes away and we generally get on very well but she won't let me share her croquettes because she says I am too fat. You can see she is warning me off in this picture which I feel is a bit mean. Do you think she should let me share her food?
Love,
Paris-Tom-Tom.

Dear Tom-Tom,
We cats call this STS, or Saggy Tummy Syndrome. It is an increasingly common side effect of natural human adoration. In an attempt to please us, our devotees cannot say no. They will go to any lengths to do what we want. It is gratifying. Very gratifying and, of course, natural.
Your delightful photo shows the results - the little (well not so little) pink love handles at the back of the body, the absence of "waist" or the area after the rib cage which should curve inwards up to the inner thigh). The extra weight is not evenly distributed (our humans know about that!) so the head and the paws and the tail all look unduly slim in comparison. And the bigger the belly, the less we want to move around - all that weight makes exercise hard work.
No croquettes. No. Not a single crumb of them.
Of course, I blame your human. (We cats always do). She is your enabler. But it is up to you to initiate change. Send her off to the vet (sorry, Tom-Tom) for a weigh-in and a large packet of prescription food. Don't let her forget the dispenser, usually a transparent cup with measurements on it. You might even purrsuade her to buy some baby scales. These are good at weighing cats. I am adding photo of Pushkin on his scales. You will find that if she places a little food on the scales, you will find it worth your while to sit on them.
Frankly, Tom-tom you need more exercise and it is your human's responsibility to help you get it. She must start making your appartement life more interesting by hiding your food so you have to run round the place to find it. There are also food dispensing balls she could make or make her own from an old loo roll and sticky paper. And she can just throw food for you. No more just putting it in a bowl. It might also be worth your while to learn some tricks.
I heard from Fatty Pushkin the other day (his letter was in January). He is in his new home - still slimming down, still doing his interesting tricks of jumping over human legs and sitting up to do a high five. And his new pet human is taking him for walks on a lead. He is still FIV positive so cannot live at large. Take encouragement from him, Tom-Tom and start the slimming programme.
Love
George