About worms and blogs....

Dear George,
We have been very inspired by your blog and decided to do one of our own, regularly enlightening the humans of Marlborough on aspects of our lives in The Marlborough Weekly Advertiser. The side effect of this successful endeavour is that now we do not get a moments peace. Whilst relaxing in our usual sunspot on the window sill we are now constantly woken up by people knocking on the window calling our names, it can be quite annoying but we feel it is a small sacrifice for the greater good – promoting feline and human communications.
However, recently there is one problem we have not been able to overcome, I, Lily have been working hard to contribute to the household, and during the recent wet weather spent many hours out in the cold and wet waiting for just the right moment to catch my prey. And yet, every single time I bring this juicy present to my human, she picks it up and puts it back outside in the flower pot! She seems to be deranged!
Yours,
Lily and Neeka
PS. As you can see from the photos, Lily is doing much of the editorial and Neeko is busy with research, when they are not bringing in worms.

Dear Lily and Neeka,
We cats are colonising the internet. We are on Facebook. We are on Twitter (my colleague Tilly tweets from TillyUgliest Cat). And we blog. Boy do we blog Take a look at the cat blogosphere .
Worms, I am afraid to say, are a sign of your relative youth. Yes, I enjoyed bringing in worms as a youngster. So satisfying to see the face of humans when I dropped one on the pillow. Or the screech as she put her foot into a shoe which had a worm in it. But they are small game.
You will have much more fun with mice. Humans really freak out if you drop one on their bed. Particularly if it is still alive. Putting a dead one into a shoe is good too. But the best place,for getting your human's attention, is to stash one in her handbag. It never fails. Never. Try it.
Rats are even better and I dare say there are a lot of rats in Marlborough. But they are a bit of a challenge. I have brought in living rats but usually they jumped out of my mouth before I got to the bedroom. Keep me posted on your progress.
Love George

Hosts with the most at the cat cafe

Dear George,
We are five cats who have gone into business opening a cafe for cat hungry humans. It's called Cafe Neko, meaning cat in Japanese, and its in Vienna city centre. We just hang out and do the host and hostess stuff while our human Takako Ishimitzu organises the human food and drink. We had to train her to get a license from Vienna's human bureaucrats (crats not cats - cats wouldn't be so silly) who kept objecting on the grounds of hygeine.
Hygeine, can you believe it. We are the cleanest species on the planet and the humans (who can't even wash themselves with their own tongues) think it is unhygeinic for us to run a cafe. It took us three years before she successfully got past their objections. We all came from the animal shelter and our job is just to let the humans stroke us and talk to us. You can see a film of our cafe here.
Business is booming. As you can imagine, humans really enjoy the chance to interact with a superior species. The 50 seats are full most of the time.
There are 39 cat cafes in Japan and the first ever one opened in Taiwan in l998. So it is a growing trend. If you are passing through Vienna do drop in and see us.
Yours cheerfully,
Sonja, Thomas, Moritz, Luca and Momo
PS. The phone is of a Japanese cafe not the Vienna one.

Dear Sonja, Thomas, Moritz, Luca and Momo,
Cafe hosting is a splendid new business of cats. Here in the UK we have the occasional pub cat (see photo below) but the spoil sport bureaucrats (crats not cats) don't let cats into areas where food is sold. It's very unfair. Most working cats are employed in stables, or barns or outhouses as rodent operatives - and a very good job they do too.
Mabel the retail cat is perhaps the nearest we have to a working cafe cat. She has been particularly busy lately.
Ron my human newshound reports: "She decorated Clark's window on a sunny Wednesday morning, carefully using a sandal for a pillow. She got herself locked in Milletts overnight on Thursday (but didn't leave a mess of any sort). Friday morning she was refusing cheese at the stall but yowled until Ken cut her a slice of ham. On Saturday she was curled-up asleep in a basket of special offers on the counter of Trading Post record shop. Sunday she spend mostly in Works (remaindered books, cheap games etc) and yesterday after breakfast at Clark's she visited Superdrug."
I am dead envious of all of you. I live a quiet life in the country catching country mice but sometimes I yearn for the big city and a chance to get hold of town mice (and rats).
One thing I am pleased by. There are no bureaucats. We don't do bureacracy in any way.
George.

Art, artists and the life of a feline model

Dear George,

It’s me CAT Victoria and I’ll be very short as I’m very angry! A while back my human mommy took painting as a snobby hobby and everybody was happy for her. Lately she became completely selfish, self-centered and insensitive. The other day she asked me to sit still on a chair! How could I be still when the sun is out and the birds are singing in the trees? I just gave her “that look” and left the chair. Later I heard her saying that she’ll bring Cricket. I thought, yes! great….I’ll have something crunchy for dinner!

To my astonishment she came home with a cat! I mean another cat. IN MY HOUSE?

I heard her saying: “Cricket please sit on that chair! Beautiful! good girl” And that damn cat sit still and my monster mommy painted her (art attached) while I was watching them from …behind a sofa! She’ll send some paintings to an art exhibition soon and she’s beaming! And I’m so infuriated! How could she paint another cat for the expo? That’s not fair! I’m so shocked that I can’t even think straight. George, what should I do?

I feel hurt and mad! And she’ll expect me to be nice to her on Mother’s Day?

Forget about it! Maybe I re-home myself to a better mommy!

By the way, Happy Mother’s Day to all good mothers!

CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

No wonder you are hurt. Talk about adding insult to injury. Not just painting another cat but bringing that cat into your home. Don't feel obliged to be nice to her. We cats have no obligation. We are not dogs. We are quite happy to bite the hand that feeds us. We don't crawl to our humans. We make them crawl to us - metaphorically, of course.

Mother's Day? I have a wicked suggestion. Give her the sort of Mother's Day present that humans hate. Revenge is a dead mouse, a half alive rat, part of a cockroach, or a fat blue bottle. Place this offering where it will upset her most -- on the pillow as she wakes up on Mother's Day. Enjoy her reactions.

I have never been painted but my predecessors, Fat Ada and Little Mog, were painted by Celia's mother, the late Joyce Haddon - here are the pictures. Little Mog is the one on the left. Fat Ada is the black and white beauty.

Love George

Finding a chiropractor for cats

Dear George,

You didn’t hear from me lately as I was busy seeing a chiropractic doctor twice a week. I would like to share my experience with you all. I’d like to educate other cats and their human pets as too many times humans are not aware that there are other alternatives to allopathic (medical) care and they give up on us way too easy! My mommy read some of Dr. Schoen’s articles and somewhere he mentioned that a “good chiropractor can do miracles” and a “bad chiropractor can do much damage.” The problem is how do you recognize a good chiropractor? I’d tell you how – by the results he/she gets! One way is to ask around, wait by his/her door and ask the patients. Another way is by referrals from people you know and trust. But, I’m sure that anybody interested will find a way.

Last time you heard from me I was doing some intense chiropractic treatments at the holistic vet but, neither I or my mommy were too excited about the VOM geek – it was painful, too much pressure on my spine! Mom gave me a break and start asking around. She came across Dr. Leo Rosenberg, a chiropractor doctor for both us and our human pets! How wonderful! His nickname is “Dr. Miracle” and indeed he did some amazing things healing lots of cats, dogs, horses and of course humans. He is in practice for over 50 years. But, let me tell you about Dr. Leo. When I first got to his office I thought we got the wrong address and actually this was an “emergency vet clinic”; as one dog was going in and one dog was coming out! I learned that people travel from a long distance with their pets to get treated by him. I was a bit scared but he was such a sweetheart: very gentle, soft spoken, pocking fun and giving me the best massage I ever had on my back! He was very gentle in giving the adjustments, no cracking bones! It is a gentle, cumulative process! Actually I was so relaxed on his lap that I started purring. I felt much better right away and I could see progress in my getting back to normal; no more pain after treatments, actually being pain free and more active! Honestly….after his treatments l felt like I was coming from a spa not a doctor! I even got a” pink bathrobe” at home for the occasion (as you can see in the photo).

The funny thing is that Dr. Leo has two sons: Paul who sacrificed himself for humanity – he treats only our human pets (as they are more twisted then us) and Mark – who is a much younger but identical copy of Dr. Leo (even the voice) – who treats both animals and their human pets. Just like his daddy! But George, I don’t want to take to much space with my letter. Anybody interested can visit Dr. Leo’s website at: www.petsinmotion.ca

There are some videos posted there. And anybody interested in my particular condition and treatment can ask me privately. I’m sure you have good chiropractic doctors in UK as well. Amanda is one of them (you posted her contact info in an older post).

George, I sincerely hope that humans will consider all medical alternatives when it comes to their health and ours.

Love to all

Cayenne

Dear Cayenne,

Thank you for your experience which I am sure will be useful for other cats. Here in the UK chiropractic help cannot legally be given to animals without a vet's referral. Which is sensible because you need a chiropractor who understands animals and has experience in the field. The same applies to physiotherapists and osteopaths, some of whom also treat animals.

Celia says she isn't too keen on alternative health remedies but I notice she visits physios and osteopaths when her back hurts and takes a few supplements each day... sort of hypocritical, I think. But that is humans for you. She says she thinks alternatives should only be used as well as, not instead of, proper medical treatment. Grudgingly, I will admit that this makes sense.

Yours musingly,

George

Make your human feed you - a new method

Hello George,
It’s me again, Rakishi. I thought I would share with you a ploy I’ve been developing which gets my humans to give me extra food without any effort at all on my part. The idea may not be entirely original, but I’ve been refining it with some remarkably good results. It utilises the Making Guilt Work principle which you explained so well to Natasha.
In between what they call my “mealtimes” ( I ask you, would you catch a mouse or vole only at specific times each day?), I often get a bit peckish, so I go into the kitchen and sit silently by my empty bowl, facing the doorway, putting on a sad expression. This is a room they go in and out of quite often, so I usually don’t have to wait too long until one of them comes in. I get almost immediate results. They feel so sorry for me that out comes something, usually tasty enough.
They have tried their own trick of giving me something they think I’m not fond of, with the female muttering about my not getting fat. But I eat it any way, as it’s important to keep the pressure up. And, if I think they’re slipping, instead of sitting by my bowl, I lie down next to it. This is nice and restful, and I find I’m tempted to doze off – but I have to keep alert so as not to spoil the effect. This is a real winner. The female in particular gets quite bothered, and gives me extra tuna, which I love. (It’s always served with lots of tuna-flavoured water which is really yummy; she thinks it’s good for me to drink more liquid and I’m happy to oblige.)
So you see rather than expending energy hanging about them and nagging for food, I have a nice rest while at the same time getting them to do what I want. Lord, what fools these mortals be, as a great cat poet once wrote.
Hope you are keeping well and the hunting is good. Personally, I don’t bother much. I don’t really feel the need.
Rakishi

Dear Rakishi,
Thank you for another helpful training tip. I shall mention this in my forthcoming monumental and much researched work, A Cat's Guide to Humans. This particular method of training humans to give food is, as you say, marvellously effortless. Feline indolence, I once read in a science paper, has to be taken into consideration when studying cats. Many hours of observation or of videoing merely result in a human watching or recording a cat sleeping.
You are quite right in thinking that humans fail to feed us properly. We cats like a mouse-sized portion about 10 to 15 times in 24 hours, depending on the size of the notional mouse. What we often get is a large meal, equivalent to about six mice, twice a day. Or, if we are lucky, food left down all the time - easy to eat but somehow not very exciting.
Celia decided to feed my friend Tilly, the ugliest cat in the shelter, ad lib. She put down a huge bowl of food, equivalent to at least a day's grub, and Tilly ate it all immediatly. So she put down a similar amount, which Tilly had finished about three hours later. Celia, now alarmed, put down another similar amount - and that too was eaten up. All in all, Tilly ate three days food in approximately eight hours. The experiment ceased and Celia went back to feeding Tilly twice a day with proper portion control.
It is always satisfying when cats outwit human plans in this way.
Thank you for your valuable contribution to knowledge of the cat-human relationship. Good hunting.
George



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