Why have they put this silly Christmas hat on me?

Dear George,
They've done it again. Some time as the days get longer here they try to put a silly red hat on me. Why? What's it all about? They've gone funny in the household. Odd things on the TV - less wildlife more choirboys (and I don't like small boys). The only bit I like are the tinkly things that later on they will hang on a tree. That's more like fun. I read in your book, The Joy of Cats, published under HER name, that a mad Victorian clergyman hung herrings on his tree. Why can't she do this instead balancing this hat on me? As you can see, I am not pleased at all.
William
Dear William,
This is the time of year when humans go slightly mad. Some of their behaviour is extremely vexing - loud tuneless caterwauling carols, the influx of strange humans turning up at all hours, inter-human aggression due to tiredness and drunkeness, human kittens and juveniles wanting to "pet" us, and thoughtless behaviour like dressing up cats. We don't need clothes or hats, thank you very much. We are not naked apes. We have our own fur coats which suit us much better.
However, Christmas is a time of opportunities. Take the tree. Twinkling balls hang from it - so nice to play with. I enjoy batting them about and if they fall off they move over a wooden floor in a mouse-like fashion. And have you tried climbing it? Right at the top, for some reason, is a particularly bright star. Go for it. Every human in the house will react with a gratifying squeal of excitement as you exhibit your skillful ascent - before the tree crashes to the ground.
Christmas food. Turkey - yum yum. Get to the kitchen early on, while the bird is uncooked. At this point you may get one or two bits cut off to tidy it up for the oven. Even if you don't receive them, note that they have gone into the trashcan. This is usually easily overturned later in the day and you can rummage round for that nice bit of skin taken off the breast area. It's fun to hunt for it. More fun than being given it.
Throughout the morning there will be interesting things on the kitchen surfaces or dining areas. It's no trouble to jump up and take a look to see what is on offer. At various Christmases, I have found the following - bread sauce, ice cream, brandy butter, cream, custard, sausagemeat balls, forcemeat balls (not so good as the sausage meat but worth licking), butter, goose fat, and smoked salmon.
There are hazards. One year I ate the whole of a piece of string used to tie up the turkey which was unwisely left within my range. That was a visit to the vet on Boxing day - very expensive for the human and I didn't appreciate the laxative either (dangerous to pull it out). But my human followed me about attentively and checked the litter tray ceaselessly. The silly woman seemed to want her string back. Can't think why - the turkey flavour would have gone completely. More on Christmas accidents next week and after that cats and their role in the nativity story.
Keep up the Christmas capers - to make those humans properly attentive.
George
PS. Other cats please let me know of their Christmas experiences and email photos via my website, www.celiahaddon.com

How to make a human give you food.

Dear George,

I have had to find a new home, because my last owners just went on holiday last spring leaving me to fend for myself. But my new humans don't believe in feeding cats titbits. My last humans didn't exactly hand out titbits but they were so disorganised that a lot fell to the floor or was left out in the kitchen where I could find it easily. They did very little cleaning up. Now I am having to start a new training regime. What do you suggest?

KitKat.

Dear KitKat,

We all know the principles of human training - reward good behaviour and ignore bad. But the major difficulty is how to get across to a human exactly what we want. They are not very bright. Indeed, I would go further. Frankly, they are dumb animals.

Some humans understand a little body language. Do they follow your gaze? these are the rare humans (rather like dogs) that are aware of where a cat is looking. For these it is easy to signal what you want. You just stare at it. Then stare at the human. Then take your eyes back to what you want. This is particularly easily done if you are sitting on the table next to your human's plate. If you are very lucky, you will have that kind of alert human.

But it is more likely you don't. Stare all you like, they will ignore it. The next method is to signal by approaching what you want. If the cat food is hidden in a cupboard walk to the cupboard and paw at the door. If the food you want is on the table, jump up and sit close to it. Use your paw to signal which bit you want. Try to point hesitatingly while looking cute.

If cuteness fails, you need to be decisive. Training is all very well but a cat sometimes has to take what he needs without involving human compliance. Some humans are just too stupid for training at all. They can't seem to focus on it. Too busy vocalising, watching TV and generally lounging about.

If your new humans are like this, just get there and help yourself. Some cats take the food off the fork, while the human is transferring it to his mouth. Others just hook it off the plate. There are even cats that try to eat it out of their human's mouths - Spink, a Cypriot cat, used to lick toothpaste off his owner's teeth. But you need to be very bold.

If you are a frightened cat, think devious. Just wait till the humans are out of the room and sneak quietly in and steal it. Well it's not really stealing, is it? What's theirs is yours anyway - all of it, beds, food, chairs, windowsills, house and garden.

George