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Friday, February 15, 2013

She’s installed a Guillotine!

Dear George,
When I last wrote to you I was singing my pets praises. I would now like to retract all I said…she appears to have gone on strike and worse still wants to want bump me off.
She has installed a window at the bottom of the door and seems to want me to dice with death to get out of the house rather than doing her duty of opening the door for me. I established the danger of this device this morning, 10 days after she installed the death trap, which was apparently my Christmas present. I wanted to go outside and she refused to get up to let me out. So you can imagine my horror when with one paw and my head outside I realise it’s snowing. I do what every self-respecting cat would do and retreat….then it strikes; tries to decapitate me, behead me! I scream like Anne Boleyn probably did in her final moments and what did she do – laugh!
Horrified and almost beheaded,
Jake xXx
 Ps – As you can tell from my photo I prefer a bag over a box!

Dear Jake,
What is the world coming to?  It is a sad sign of modern times that humans do not understand being in service. Their duties are clear - cooking and serving food to us at regular intervals: providing warm spaces on the bed throughout the night: and, of course, opening and shutting doors. In my more despairing moments I wonder if we could do a fictional TV series called Cat Abbey, where we see the humans doing proper servant duties, as they ought to be done.
Stay calm. She is not trying to kill you. She is merely trying to avoid work, the hard work that is every human pet's duty. And with typical human stupidity she actually thought you would want to go out in the snow. They just don't think like we do. 
Ignore the window altogether. Sit by the door, just as you used to, when you want to go out. Sit by the door outside when you want to come in. If this means sitting in the cold take a quick peek though the window and (if she is not in visual contact) nip back in through the new device. If she is there, sit and ostentatiously shiver, mew and look very very pitiful.
I have a cat flap - what you call a window device. But mostly I ignore it. I used it when she is out. But when she is in I go in and out of the door. It's a question of being strong minded and not letting her get away with it.
Yours sympathetically
PS. Like the bag. Nice use of available human stuff.


  1. That is some great advice George. We don't have one of those traps, because then the possoms, skunks and who knows who else would just come in for dinner. Take care.

  2. Wow George, you hit the nail on the head (or should we say nailed the human) again! Have an easy Sunday!
    Harry, Dexter and Tipp

  3. Dear George
    Oh dear we must be out of touch - there was one of these holes in the door when we arrived here but we just thought that's how doors were made!
    Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

  4. George is right (again)! She, just like all humans, is lazy; she's not trying to kill you....but, I bet she likes to stare at the big thing (box or flat) they call everything for her comfort :-)
    Next time, wait by the door and if she's not down on her knees serving you....just pee right there - make her feel guilty!

  5. I like boxes, bags, paper bags....anything you can hide in and feel cozy :-)

  6. Mon cher ami, did she watch Les Miserables lately? I don't think she's trying to kill you ....but you can't completely trust humans either.
    Get an engineer to check the flap (that's what you call it in English, right).

  7. That is some great advice George.That's some great advice!
    cat flap


Help for cats whose humans show behaviour problems.

This blog is devoted to the study of human behaviour. We cats, who live with this sometimes unpredictable and always feeble minded species, can benefit from seeing their behaviour in its proper scientific context. The study of feline dilemmas, training problems, and difficulties with humans, can only benefit all of us. All of us train our humans - to buy the right food, for instance, but many of us do not have knowledge of how to improve our training methods. The human species is obviously not as intelligent as the cat, but nevertheless can learn quite a lot - if properly managed. Topics of interest include the use of claw and order, purring as a human reward, rubbing your human up the right way, when to bite, spraying as a method of making our wishes known, ignoring the human, human harassment, human inattention and sheer human stupidity. I welcome your questions. Photos can be sent via my secretary's website, This blog has been chosen as one of the top 50 feline blogs by Online