My human's obsessed with online cat games ... but not me!

Dear George,
I have two human pets, both female, one middle aged and one young and  still a bit kittenish. She's the problem. She's got a cat games addiction. All she does is dress and care for online comic cutie cats. Once she used to play with me using bits of string and also brush me gently. Now she is always looking at a rectangular device which plays these cat games with moving pictures (very poor ones in my opinion though she likes them) of felines. I can't get her to stop playing with this and go back to playing with me. I have tried sitting on the tablet or just interfering with it but she brushes me off.
Yours in despair
Pinkle Purr

Dear Pinkle,
This is games addiction when the human stops concentrating on us (the proper way for a human pet to behave) and starts getting obsessed with something on a tablet or a computer (the square screen stuff). Mine had a very bad period when all she would do is play Hitler parodies and scream with ridiculous laughter. I blame the soft website catsthatlooklikehitler for starting her down the path that led to hard Hitler parodies. My human has admitted her problem and is now in recovery, thank goodness,
Your human has a similar addiction and what is needed is tough love. Most cats respond to this problem by trying to stop the play. They will interpose their body between the human gaze and the screen, tap the keyboard (if there is one) with a purr, lie on the keyboard, or just pester the human at leg height. These tactics will result in pleasurable petting by the non-addicted human but are useless with addicts.
You must look after your own interests, Pinkle. Withdraw all attention and love while this young human is indulging her addiction. Give her the silent body language treatment. Sit with your back to her, with a lofty look of disdainful non-interest. Go out and get mousing. Or just find something else to do.
This is a human problem. You did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Once you accept this you can get on with your own life. Remember you don't need humans: they need you though they may not realise this.
Yours sadly,
George

How to tease your human with a feather - no, not what you think!

Dear George,
I have been given two expensive cat toys by my human. One was an elaborate feeding device where I had to claw out bits of cat food. I have refused to do this. The other was a very large furry thing in wheels, which could be wound up by my human and set off across the carpet. It is the size of a guinea pig and makes whirring noise which I dislike intensely. So I have ignored that too. 
Instead I found my own toy - a feather that some unlikely bird had deposited in the garden. I have been rolling around with it for about an hours. I think it has really irritated her.
Yours Toby.

Dear Toby, 
Congratulations on a good human tease. One of the many cat rules, which help cats rule, is to ignore all new purrchases. Especially any expensive ones. A new cat bed - go straight to a heap of freshly washed sheets and sleep there instead. A new toy - look at it once then stroll away. A lovely new soft bit of cat bedding - refuse to sit on it.
Instead make your own toy. We cats can make a toy of everything - a piece of dried pasta on the floor, a broad bean, the top of a milk container, an empty pill box. These can be batted around a kitchen floor ad infinitum.
Then there are these - your human's shoe laces while she is wearing them, the blind toggle hanging down on the side of the window, the dressing gown belt hanging from the back of the door, the bit of paper hanging loose from the scratched wall paper, the ties that tie up the loose covers of the furniture.... I expect cats reading this can suggest some more.
Money can't buy the purrfect cat toy. The purrfect cat toy is one chosen by us. Puts the humans in their place and makes them try harder to please us.
Yours
George.

Slow down for cats - a new feline campaign

 Dear George,
I live in a small village in the Cotswolds and metal cats troar through the village at high speed almost all the time. It is really frightening and the worst time is during the dusk, just when we cats are coming out to hunt. 
As far as I know there is nothing we can do about these lethal moving objects. I have sniffed round them, when they are stationery and can report that they are definitely not alive. They have some kind of automatic "life" which roars and makes them go off at high speed with a human inside.
Well, we know humans are not usually very bright but one of our village humans has come up with a good idea. She has put up a sign on the road, warning the cars to slow down. Here is a photo of it. 
I would like to see one of these in every village. If there are no kittens there, then the sign could just read "CATS." What do you think?
Yours
Penelope Purr

Dear Penelope,
I think it is a brilliant idea. I wish we could get more of these. Cats die on the road in their thousands in my country and nobody seems to care. The cars just speed on their way without stopping to see if they can help. These metal things are completely uncaring. Sometimes I think the cats that die outright are luckier than those who crawl away and die in agony in the hedge.
Maybe we could start a campaign for more "Slow Kitten" signs.
Yours
George

Emergency - a vicious kitten and a sadly demented human

Dear George,
My household is completely upset by this small tortoiseshell and white kitten who has the impertinence to harass me. 
When she first arrived, it wasn't too bad. She was kept in quarantine with an infection so I just lost one room of my territory. Then she expanded her territory into a second room. As the weather has been fine that wasn't too bad either. I spent a lot of time out.
But the other day I slipped in after my human just to check out the possibilities of a second meal (found a few fragments as you can see). At first she just sniffed me then she started biffing me. She ran up and down the room landing small kitten punches as she passed.
It was very upsetting. I had to get the human to let me out. Me who is five times her size had to retreat. How can I get rid of her? She is a rescue foster kitten, but it is me who needs rescuing.
Yours,
Toby, Disgusted of Ringwood.

Dear Toby,
You have a problem and that problem is not the kitten, but your pet human. If she is moving into rescuing kittens, your home won't be your own again. Humans with a pathological rescue tendency fill the home with rescued cats. Sometime, when this human psychological condition gets too overwhelming, the place becomes a death trap - scores of cats, disease, and not enough litter trays.
Act now and act firmly. I suggest you spray along the door which opens into the kittens room. This should get a message to your human that you do not want the intruder in your life. If you do get into the room, do not let food distract you, biff back. You should be able to fight off a kitten without using your claws. Use your weight instead.
If you are lucky, this will be a temporary aberration and the kitten will shortly disappear to a new home. Cross your paws, Toby. And pray to that Higher Feline that looks after the welfare of cats.
Yours with sympathy,
George.
For sad news about Gerry read http://everycat.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/gerry-little-cat-made-of-fun-farewell.html

My human pet (I call him Daddy) stole my prey!

Dear George,
That’s exactly what happened; my human daddy stole my prey!
The other day I took up to some of your readers’ advice and jumped over the fence to discover the world beyond it. That alone made me a “bad, bad girl” – that’s what my humans told me. I had no idea that “jumping over a fence” will make me a bad cat!
Well, I was a bit confused and I thought of a way to make it up to them so I brought them a nice gift – a fat, young baby bird. Were they happy? I don’t think so as they start screaming and he almost kicked my butt (literally) pushing me outside and kept the bird inside. Is that the way humans manifest their joy and appreciation? Now I’m even more confused since I didn’t see the bird since then. What do you think he did with it? Obviously he stole it from me and probably pretended to my mom that he caught the bird for her…. while I was left outside waiting (see photo) like a cold turkey (metaphorically).
Now what? What should I do? Do you think they ate my prey?
Very confused
Zoe

Dear Zoe,
My blood boiled when I read your letter. I wanted to mew "Me too! Me too! They do it to me too!" This is an absolutely disgusting habit of humans. No, they don't eat it. They just take it off us, before we can eat it. And then.... can you believe it? .. they throw it away. A whole delicious meal just goes into the trash can.
I can see from your expression, with your ears back, that you have been horribly upset by this experience. This abuse often happens when you present a bird to your humans. Why? I just don't know. They eat plenty of chicken, which is just another big bird. But when we show resourcefulness and go out and get a bird of our own, they go berserk.
It isn't just the ingratitude of it. It's the sheer waste. Many of us have decided that our humans don't seem to like any birds smaller than chicken or turkey. So we switch to mice. Or even rats. 
There's nothing more delicious than a plump mouse but they never eat one! The human response to rodents varies between screaming and jumping on a chair, to scooping up the living rodent and taking it to the nearest park. As for rabbits ... the hysteria is the same.
My advice to you it is to take your bird somewhere in the garden where they can't see what you are doing. Then either eat it yourself or leave it there. 
Yours in utter frustration and fury
George.