Exercise your human the feline yoga way

Dear George,

Last night I’ve got up (after a longer nap) to get my night time treats and there was no movement around. The silence was quite unusual and a bit unbearable! Hmm? Where was my mommy? I knew she was somewhere in the house; was she asleep? So I started moving slowly and quietly and there she was….in the stillness of the night…she was watching a video! But, mind you, not your regular video - I mean music or something!

In this video there was a woman explaining some exercises that my mommy was supposed to follow! That caught my interest so I joined my human to watch it!

George, you won’t believe this! The first exercise was about “stretching out one’s arms and rotating/spinning clockwise (apparently very important) like a dog chasing its tail until one gets dizzy! At least, I got dizzy just by watching it and honestly I think I’ve passed out! By the time I’ve regained my consciousness the woman in the video was bent forward in something that was called “downward dog”! What? I know most people behave like dogs …that’s why they are their best friends! They chase their tails, don’t know when to stop eating, looking at you with those big eyes full of loyalty and adoration and most of the time…barking at the wrong tree! Yes, most people but ….not my mommy! George, I have to save my mommy! I don’t want her to do all these nonsense dog exercises! I want her to behave like a cat: napping, relaxing, eating little but good and performing purrfect and elegant stretches (look at my picture attached)!

Now, how do I do this?
Uma

Dear Uma,
Canine type exercises (with all that bottom sniffing and tail wagging) are definitely not ideal for humans. They should be doing cat yoga instead. There are also some very nice feline yoga poses to be found here. If humans imitated some of our more common poses, and cultivated inner feline serenity, they would be much healthier and happier.  
I recommend that you join her during her exercise routine and see if you can entice her to imitate your behaviour. If you start by imitating some of her behaviours, you will catch her attention. Once she is watching, then take the initiative and do some interesting poses for her. Ziggy volunteered to help me by doing some of his more athletic poses for the camera - just to give you a few ideas.

If she continues to watch silly videos suggesting dog behaviour for humans just insert your body between her and the screen and blank it out. We can't have humans imitating dogs. It is just too humiliating for us and for them.
Yours 
George!  
PS. And let us not forget the feline revolutionary asana (below)

Does your human smell good to you?

Dear George,
I’m sitting here scratching my head as I can’t figure out how we choose our humans. I’m not talking adopting or rescuing them! I’m talking about something that transcends that stage.
Let’s assume we already have adopted/rescued them for, let’s say a month now and, of course we share our forever home with them. We all try to adjust and, if we train them well from the beginning, they’ll make good servants!
Then….boom! We find ourselves more attached to one of them! Why is that? How do we decide which one?
The only thing I can think of …..is the smell! Even so, how come?
They don’t smell like bacon or cheese or mice (I’ve heard that some humans smell like rats though) or roasted beef? What people smell like? I know my mummy’s friends buy expensive perfumes but, the perfumes smell like flowers or grass…not necessary something to be attracted to. Men don’t use so much perfume, at least not the ones I know.
So, George, what makes humans appealing to us? Why am I so attached to my dad?
Just asking,
Leo

Dear Leo,
Why are we attached to them at all, Leo? If we care for humans, is it somehow the instinct to care for kittens? Gone wrong? Or at least gone odd! Obviously we adopt or rescue them because they will  house us in the manner that befits the superior species, and be good butlers, house maids, and cooks.
But why love them?  Why roll in front of them, sit touching them, climb on to their laps, bunt them, and sometimes even groom them? The relationship between cats and humans has only been going on for about 9000 years: they are only semi-domesticated (and some feline scientists argue that humans are not domesticated at all). 
I am sure scent plays a part in why we love one more than the other. I agree that the powerful odours that females use are often aversive to cats. Men have more of a nice cosy human odour. And, of course, who feeds us makes a difference too. Follow the food bowl and you may understand your preference better.
This is one of the great issues of our time, Leo, and I am still struggling for an explanation.
Yours
George 
PS. A good job they don't smell of mice. I'd be tempted to eat one.

Celebrating Tortoiseshell Cats....

Dear George, 

As I continue to grow-up into a beautiful cat (as you can see in the photo attached)….my curiosity grows along with me as well!  There are so many things I’d like to know; so many questions to ask! I don’t even know where to start. But, I will settle for one question now and will leave the rest for later.

How and why do we come in so many colors and exquisite marks?

What makes some of us so colorful and some of us …just unicolor? I’m being told I’m a tortoiseshell. Some humans called me a calico cat! I kind of like “tortoiseshell” much better than calico. What is the difference between the two? Is this a breed? Can any cat be a tortoise? Is there something special about tortoises?

Please enlighten me as I’m also told that I have a cattitude specific to tortoiseshell cats.

So, what’s that? I’m very playful and up to cute mischief!

Just curious,

Cara

Dear Cara,
I am powerfully attracted (only insofar as the snip allows) to tortoiseshell (or calico) cats. I love that mixture of black and ginger. I particularly love the little straight line down the face with ginger one side and black the other. Cutest of the cute.
"Naughty Torties" is what tortoiseshell cats are always called. Maybe there is some difference in behaviour between colours but it is possible the lighter shades of cat are more friendly, because they are picked up and cuddled more as kittens. Cat rescuers don't mean to do this, but sometimes the unpopular colour kittens (black and brown) get less attention. So they grow up less cuddly. It would be very difficult to prove....
To be a tortie, you have to be female with a double X sex chromosome, XX, or a rare chimera male with an extra female chromosome X, ie an XXY. Males (XYs) with the dominant ginger allele are all over ginger because they only carry one X gene. Female  have two XX genes and one is randomly inactivated in each cell in favour of the black or brown producing the tortoiseshell coat.Various other coat colour genes then add white or dilute the colours.
I shall post some photos of my favourtite torties with their two-sided faces
Yours
George

Outrage - humans call us psychopaths.

Dear George, 

I’m really pissed at humans! Just because they are incapable to understand us they think they have the right to call us “psychopaths”? How do they dare to judge us based on a human mental disorder? I came across this article (https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2019/02/cat-psychopaths/583192/) and I could not believe what I was reading nor could I believe that someone created a survey to find out why people think cats are psychopaths! I have to say one thing: if they truly think we are then, this is because of them! We mirror humans! How about this

George, what’s your take on this? Did we so miserable fail in training humans? 

Bijou

Dear Bijou,

It is one of the worst side effects of our campaign for world domination. We have almost completely taken over the internet but we have failed to train our staff (video producers and marketing people) sufficiently. They will post stuff that is offensive to cats because they are blind to reading our body language.

Humans don't understand us. They keep comparing us to dogs - comparing like to unlike. It's not fair and it's not clever. I have booked my human into a TV programme with the ridiculous name of Psycho Kitties. I have instructed her to do her best to put the cat's point of view. It will probably be edited out anyway, but at least we will have tried....
Humans are psychopaths - the ones that neglect, kick, torture or kill cats. Cats are just cats - a species with their own wonderful behaviour.
Yours
George
PS. In the afterlife they will have to explain themselves to the Big Cat in the Sky. She has claws as well as soft paws. 

Of cats, harnesses and leashes

Dear George,

I truly believe that just like humans some cats are more adventurous than others. Why am I saying this? Well, I read on your blogs few letters written by really courageous and adventurous cats. But, hiking trekking, surfing or skateboarding along my humans definitely it’s not my cup of tea so to speak! You see, when I’ve adopted my humans they came with baggage: two human kittens and a dog. In the meantime the human kittens grew and went away to university but my humans still need to walk Bella (the dog) at least twice a day. Lately my “mama” start talking about having me on a harness and leash so I can join them walking Bella! Are they out of their mind? No! No! No! I have as much desire to walk the dog as I have to reach the summit on Mount Kilimanjaro! 

Actually my only desire right now is to take a nap in a sunny spot in my backyard garden! So George, how do I make it clear to my humans that I’m not a dog and, definitely I don’t fancy myself in a harness or leash! Phew! Unbelievable!

Yours,
FiFi

Dear Fifi, 
I so agree, Fifi. We are not dogs - grovelling and deferential animals who look up at humans and follow their commands. This just one of the many human delusions that we have to fight against. And it is very difficult to get the message through to them.
If they advance towards you with a harness, run and hide under the bed. If they pick you up with the idea of putting it on, wriggle hard and run and hide under the bed. If they hold you down and put the harness on you, run and hide under the bed. Refuse to come out for several hours. With luck, they will realise that you are not going to tolerate this senseless human behaviour.
A Siamese acquaintance of mine let her humans "train" her to a harness. They decided to take her and their caravan to Greece. On Brindisi docks, they let her out of the caravan in her harness and a sudden noise freaked her out. She wriggled free and nobody has ever seen her again. A warning to all cats not to let humans treat them like dogs.
Yours
George

Do they know we love them?

Dear George, 

Last week was Valentine’s Day and my humans gave a cozy candle-light dinner for me. We shared the food less the chocolate cake but that’s all right as I love better my healthy cat treats made with wheatgrass and catnip!

It is true thou that no matter how dummies our human pets are we still love them.

We know, for example, how much you love Celia. And that’s all right too. You let her get away with lots of things out of pure love. I’m sure we all try to tell our humans every single day how much we love them but I’m not sure they all understand. 

Since you are the human behaviour expert what’s your opinion? Do they understand why we head butt them? Or why we purr loudly? Or kneading? Or giving them those little “love bites”? Or cuddle with them with our tummy up? What do you think?
I’ve turned upside down (as you can see in the photo) to understand them and understand their signs of love. How do they tell us “I love you”? What signs should we look for?
Cheerily,
CAT Victoria

Dear Victoria,

How far do our humans understand that we love them? They are pretty dumb when it comes to understanding our behaviour, partly because they are so blind to our body language. They sort of understand purring, head butting and kneading. But how many humans do you know, that can distinguish between the slow blink "I love you" and the fast blink "I am frightened so I am cutting off eye contact?" Not many, I fear.

So what are the signs that they love us? Well, they are very vocal and most of them pitch their voices a bit higher and sort of croon a little when they are "talking" to us. Rather like the way they "talk" to babies. Then there is stroking. The best humans know where we like to be stroked and do not stroke in places some of us dislike - the tummy or the backside under the tail. Then there is food, of course. Humans that love us feed us. 

However even loving humans take us to that horrible smelling frightening vet surgery where we are stabbed by needles....  We have to realise that our human pets are sometimes difficult to understand and accept them with all their failings.

Yours 

George.

Cats and bad weather... trust cats not groundhogs.

Dear George

How does one forecast weather? How does one know if it’s going to be cold or warm? Here is North America we mostly relied on our groundhogs to forecast the coming of the spring. The weather on Goundhog Day can influence if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow or not ... (check here) According to the legend, if the groundhog sees his shadow, then there will be six more weeks of winter.But if he doesn't, then an early spring and above-average temperatures are on the way! So, on Feb. 2 Punxsutawney Phil (of Pennsylvania, USA) saw his shadow and that means six more weeks of winter! But albino Wiarton Willie (of Bruce County, Ontario, Canada, check here) didn’t see his shadow and that means …early spring. 
Now who is to trust? What worries me is that with the “human catnip” legalized in both country I don’t know who’s smoking what and that’s how I found myself stuck indoors between blankets…cozy but still indoor! I love being outdoors! I can “smell” spring in the air but what can I do? We just have been hit with another snow storm today!It seems that Punxsutawney Phil was right! Six more weeks of cold weather! Brrrr!

George, how do you forecast weather in the UK? Do you rely on a groundhog or a weatherman?

Uma

Dear Uma,
My human uses me as a weather forecaster. I am very sensitive to the risk of ice, snow, rain and drizzle. I particularly hate wet. I lived on wet concrete under a car for a dreadful six months and only survived because Gaynor picked me up and gave me to Celia. So I never ever want to be out in the rain and wet again.
If I refuse to go out in the morning, which I often do, she knows that it is damp from rain during the night or the rain is coming. I can sense the moisture in the air. I feel the same way about snow. If I look up and see that yellowy cloudy sky, that in the UK means snow, I just stay inside and use my litter tray.
Ice and frost? If it is cold but dry, then I might venture out, walk up the garden, then return. If it is very cold, I use the litter tray because the garden soil is frozen solid. Dry without rain I patrol my garden properly. I don't claim to be entirely accurate, but human forecasters are not accurate either.
My message to our humans is this. Trust cats not groundhogs. If the cat is inside refusing to go out, it means its damp, cold and miserable. Stay indoors and break out some more cat food for us.
Yours
George.

Snoring or purring? That is the question.

Dear George,

I was sound asleep (as you can see in the photo attached) when I was suddenly awakened by loud laughing! I jumped up scared that maybe some strangers found the door opened and got in but, no…there was my human mommy laughing her head off! What was she laughing about? Well, she said she was laughing watching me snoring out loud! What?

Was she bluffing? I know I purr quite loudly but I don’t snore! I don’t even know if cats snore! I know my daddy does and pretty heavy too but, at least he has an excuse as he can’t purr. Believe me he tried many times but the noise that came out from his throat was rather comical! So, dear George, do cats snore?

And, by the way…what’s the difference between purring and snoring?

Leo

Dear Leo, 
Do cats snore? Some of us do. Snoring happens when our throat muscles are relaxed while we sleep so they don't move the air through freely. Then the surrounding tissues vibrate making a snoring noise.  It also occurs if we have a blocked nose from cat flu. We cats are also more likely to snore if we are overweight or if we have short noses. Sadly humans have bred Persians and other breeds with such snub noses that their upper airways are kind of twisted up. Thus the snore. The really badly affected cats may make a snoring noise when they are awake. Shocking.
It's absurd that humans should laugh at our snoring. Their own snoring is so much louder and unpleasant. I have sometimes had to leave the bed, when my human has a blocked nose and snores horribly.
Purring is completely different. Humans can't do this. The muscles in our throat intermittently close our glottis, the area which includes our vocal chords and the opening between them. Our diaphragm muscles also move and the sound comes out both when we are breathing out, and also when we are breathing in. Some cats purr silently: some loudly.
I purr at medium loudness because it helps my human sleep. And I prefer them to sleep soundly so that they don't wake me up by tossing and turning.
George

Cats and birds - yum yum

Dear George,
I have mixed feelings and I don’t know what to do! I need your help!Here is my story: lately my mummy started bringing home people and cats; human guests who stayed for too long (if you care to ask me) and few cats she fostered for a shorter time.
There must be something wrong with mummy! Why does she think she have to help everybody and anybody? What could she possibly be missing in her life if she has me? What? Last night I’ve heard her talking with a friend and promising she’ll look over her two birds if she’ll bring the cage over to our house (while her friend will be travelling overseas). She even promised her friend that I’ll be a good girl and become friends with the birds! Phew! How could I befriend a bird?
George, I love my mummy very much! Should I be honorable and tell her honestly that I’ll never befriend a bird or should I keep quiet and enjoy the “accidental” but juicy dinner? Would she learn her lesson then? What do you think?
Shumba

Dear Shumba,
Aren't humans dumb! Cats do not befriend birds. We hunt them. It is in our DNA. Has she ever seen you looking longingly out of the window at passing birds? I think she ought to take a closer look - your body tense with hunting desire and your eyes in a hard stare. It's not the look of a cat that wants to cuddle up with a bird. 
Here's a photo of one of Celia's foster cats, Boomer, looking at birds on the windowsill. You can't see his eyes but you can perhaps see how (despite being fat) he is craning his body round to get as close to the bird on the left as he can. Believe me, Boomer didn't want to befriend that blue tit. He wanted to grab it!
All in all, Shumba, I would just let her go ahead. Why waste the chance of having some juicy prey put right in your reach! 
Have fun with the birds.
Yours
George

Of cats and arts.

Dear George,
I’m sure you’ll agree with me that we are born naturally gifted, much more so than humans. It takes a century for humans to produce a genius! It takes us about 67 days at most to produce one in a litter. That should tell humans something, right?

I know you are a gifted writer and other cats are gifted hunters, acrobats or athletes.

I’m exceptionally gifted as a painter. I took up painting but my human (just like yours, George) is not only sabotaging me …she’s stealing my art too! Huh!
I must admit I have much fun dipping my paws in paint and then work the canvas!

What does she do? She waits until I’m asleep and recreates some portraits or still nature painted by me and signs the painting with her own name. I tried few times to cover her signature with my unique “paw-signature” but she must have a method to erase mine. Totally unfair. You know what I’m talking about! So, George what are we going to do? Whatever you’ll suggest I’ll follow! How would you stop Celia from stealing your work and admitting that you are the author? How am I going to stop my human pretending that she’s a great artist and give me credit for her success?

Totally yours,
CAT Victoria

Dear CAT Victoria,
Humans are terrible plagiarists. I have suffered too. Because I cannot use my paws to type, I am reliant on a human typist, Celia. Not only does she try to pass off this blog as my own, she also has claimed authorship for my best selling volume, One Hundred Ways for a Cat to Train its Human. I have a nephew, also called George, who is currently negotiating with an agent to publish a useful book about human management: he says he will only write it if his name is on the cover. We shall see what happens....
Could you purrsade your human to add a pawprint to her signature? Terence Cuneo, a successful painter of ceremonial occasions, always added a signature tiny mouse to his paintings. For more detail read here. In one of his painting a mouse was riding on the back of a cowboy in a stampede.
How much better would it be if she added just a pawprint. Either near her signature or somewhere semi-concealed on each painting? I know its not the same as your proper paw print without her name, but at least it's a start.
Yours 
George

Excuse my French, but do cats fart?

Dear George,
I was sitting with my brother Stanley (the tabby in the photo attached) and our human parents watching a movie on Netflix. My Mom made a comment that someone had broken wind….looking towards us, the cats! Well, I thought this was totally disrespectful and discriminatory…under the circumstances! I certainly didn’t! Did Stanley? He meowed “nope”! Then, this left us with the assumption that one of our humans have farted! But…who? Daddy? Mommy? They won’t admit it! What else would you expect from humans? Plead guilty?

No way! However, regardless of who has farted last night…my question to you George is: do cats actually fart? And, if they do….why? What make them pass gas? Could this become a scary health issue?
Yours 
Rocky

Dear Rocky,
We do fart! But we are usually much quieter about it than humans! Indeed many humans never heard a feline fart, even when they have smelled it. With our superior hearing, of course, we can hear the wind being expelled. Very occasionally we do a loud one like this one here on YouTube.
We fart when we have eaten something that doesn't agree with us - cow's milk, other dairy products with lactose, human food, takeaway human meals, cheap pet food with lots of fillers and not much protein, or when we have gobbled down our food so fast that we have taken in air at the same time. Humans, please note, we need higher quality pet food and a place of safety to eat it!
Excessive farting may mean something is wrong, particularly if it is accompanied by a bloated tummy or loose stools. Possible causes are internal parasites like worms or giardia, or gastrointestinal disease. Some cats have food sensitivities and need a special diet.
I hate to say this, because I loathe and detest vets, but excessive gas needs a visit to the vet!
Yours
George

Thank goodness the season of good will is over...

Dear George,
I’m so happy that the holidays are over and the visitors gone to their homes, no more loud music or noise from human non-sense talking! Oh boy! I love being back to old habits and routine! Yes, I know I sound “grumpy” but when your home is invaded by adults, teenagers, grandkids and small dogs for over a week …how could anybody be happy? 

I got tired of hiding from grandkids and barking dogs! I’ve got tired of missing meals because of the noise in the house! I did not feel safe in my own home! I really think “something’s gotta give”. I think my human now realizes that she was wrong inviting them over! But, she can’t turn the time back! And, I’m not ready to forgive her yet! How do I know she feels guilty? She’s being extra nice with me, she’s doing that stupid “baby talk”, she even pretended she “forgot” the treats pouch open on the table. Phew! 

But, no, I want more severe punishments for her so next year she’ll remember before she’ll extend any invitation! George, any ideas of harsh punishment?

Yours,

Mouse

Dear Mouse, 
Christmas is hell for most cats. As you say, your home is invaded by strange humans, some of them young enough to be really intolerable, and sometimes even by dogs. No wonder you hated it. I think most of us do. And the occasional bit of turkey meat isn't enough to compensate for the upset of our routines.
There are ways we can punish our humans, while Christmas is going on. I favour peeing on the Christmas tree, as a start. Then tearing down as many tree decorations as possible. Some cats even climb the tree in order to pull it down. If we are lucky, our humans then banish us from the living room, where most of the strangers are seated. Worth a try, anyway.
Strangers? Well, obviously, we do not let them pick us up. We discipline them with a sharp nip whenever possible. A nip may be required to stop any silly business with Santa hats (see the undignified photo of Percy here).

And the humans that insist on petting us and making silly baby talk, we just ignore or run away from behind the sofa. Purrsonally, I take up residence on the bed I share with my human and stay there most of Christmas. I'd use the spare room bed but that is occupied with human strangers. 
So can we stop it entirely? I don't think we can. Thank goodness Christmas only comes once a year. 
Yours 
George