Cars - how we cats can use them

Dear George,
I am writing to ask whether you can advise me about cars. My female human used not to have a car but she has recently started a relationship with a male human who has one. This piece of metal stands outside the house door in the street every night.
I know from experience that when they move, they move fast and unpredictably. I nearly got run over one evening when I made a dash for home. Somehow I can't estimate their speed. So they are dangerous when making a growling noise and moving.
But is there anything I could do with it when it is stationery. It seems to take up a lot of room in the road.
Yours 
Stanley.

Dear Stanley,
Here are some suggestions with photos.
When cars are not moving they make excellent look-out points. If you jump on the bonnet or the top, you are safe from passing dogs, and you have a good view of the neighbourhood.
You can use them to shelter from the rain.
You can use them to admire your own reflection.
You can also use them for warmth. If they have been moving, then stop and go silent, you will find there is a warm spot on the bonnet just above the headlights. Very comforting in autumn.
Yours
George

Dear George,
Here are my teeth! Four big pointy ones at the front for stabbing deep into the vertebrae of a small rodent. Some little ones in the front for nibbling and grooming. And some teeth at the back for slicing up prey. What I haven't got is any teeth for grinding up bone like dogs have.
My question is this. Why does my human insert a brush into my mouth and scrub? It is extremely uncomfortable and I dislike it intensely. She has been doing it for as long as I remember.
Will she stop if I bite her?
Yours
Gracie.

Dear Gracie,
This is another example of well meaning but unpleasant human interference. She is trying to scrub the plaque off your teeth, in order to keep the healthy. Not many humans do this because most of us (unless we have been trained from kittenhood) bite!  And when those canine teeth go into human flesh, most humans notice!
What do I recommend? Well since you have't yet bitten her, I think it is too late to bother. The older you are, the more your teeth need attention. So managing to put up with it, will mean the vet doesn't pull them out! 
I have bitten from the beginning and therefore my teeth are never scrubbed. I am beginning to regret it as I had to have one pulled out by the vet last week.
Yours 
George.

Ladders... my humans have given me one.

Dear George,
Ever seen one of these? It's just a simple ladder, made to fit with hen houses. But it has made a huge difference to my life.
At first I could not get into the outside world at all. Me and my human live in an appartment on the first floor, but there is a double door. First a door into the building, then a door into my flat. The landlord would not allow a cat flap into either door.
So my human has rigged up this ladder. It is just a chicken ramp easily bought online. It works well.
There is only one snag. The window has to be kept open for me and my human therefore has to wear an extra jumper to keep warm. The fresh air is good for her....
Yours
Sidney.

Dear Sidney,
Good idea. Simple. Cheap. All it needs now is a cat flap that fits into glass. This can be ordered though you might need a glazier to fit it. 
Humans can also make ladders that go up several stories. There are some amazing Swiss cat ladders - here. Or google "outside cat ladders" images for even more ideas. I haven't yet got my paws into Pinterest but there are lots there too.
Go for it, apartment cats. You have nothing to lose but your boredom.
Yours
George.

Hi,
I am Tripod. Odd name but it's because I lost one of my back legs after a traffic accident. It was injured and hurt badly. After the op I feel much better without having to live with pain.
My humans are much more upset by this than I am. They seem to think I will not be able to cope.  But already I am finding I can manage fine. 
You should have seen their faces when I crawled up on to the armchair! They have put everything at floor level. Is that necessary, George?
Yours 
Tripod.

Dear Tripod,
You will manage fine. Humans are confused because they only have two legs, so when they lose one of them, they really are disabled. One legged humans have to wear artificial legs. We don't. We can do a lot - and we do do a lot - on only three legs. In a couple of weeks time you will hardly notice the missing one.
There's some information here and here which might help with a few ideas.
Are your humans going to let you out? Most people don't let disabled cats out into the big wide world, but some cats manage so well that they do get given a cat flap.  If so, you may find mousing a bit difficult, though not impossible.
Yours
George
PS. My secretary is away next week and, because my paws don't hit the keyboard reliably, I will have a week without blogging.

What to do? I am bored alone in the house.

Dear George,
I live alone in a small house and I am not allowed out at all. I don't mind that too much, as I am frightened of the great outdoors.
I try to keep interested by chasing flies on the windowsill, zooming around the house after using the litter tray, and watching birds the other side of the glass - though this is a bit frustrating. My humans give me toy mice but I get bored with them rather quickly. Why don't my humans import some real mice and birds for me to hunt. That is what I would really like to do with my spare time.
Yours
Schwartz.

Dear Schwartz,
For some reason humans always refuse to give us live prey. And they think that a stuffed mouse is enough. Well it isn't. This is what your humans need to do....

• Throw away the food bowl and feed you from food dispensers. Here's an easy one to make - watch here. Lots more home-made ideas here.

  

  Me trying to get food out of the box

• And here is one that takes wet food. Watch here. 
• Or just scatter dry food on the kitchen floor.
• Or hide dry food round the house.
• Lazer light toys are fun but can be very frustrating for cats - so no more five minutes maximum and each chase should finish with a treat (like catching the mouse!).
• Have a whole box of toys and put out different ones every three days.
• Lots of cardboard boxes, stable cat trees, and tunnels.
• Give you 30 pounces with a fishing rod toy daily. They can do this while they are watching TV. 30 pounces a day is more or less what a hunting cat would do. 

Yours George.
PS. Some of these food ideas might lead to competition and conflict in a household with more than one indoor only cat.