The horror when a human gets a dog.

Dear Mr George, 

Or may I now call you Uncle George, since we are now acquainted by pen if not paw?

I have been assiduously following your excellent advice when I complained about being packed off to prison aka the local cattery, while my staff caroused and gormandised on French cuisine.

You recommended greater attention to enslaving them, so they would no longer wish to abandon me to the company of non-pedigree, or worse, positively mongrel, companions in misfortune.

Just as a mouse has more than one hole to go to (a tiresome habit which causes considerable extra effort on my part), a cat may learn something from its prey. To this end I have been carefully to extend my attentions to more distant members of my staff, namely the next generation of cat-lovers.

Lest my immediate staff ever become too infirm to serve my needs, I have been cultivating their daughter, who comes over to check my mechanical feeders on those occasions when they leave me lonely but provided-for. (Quite unnecessary as I can crack any container before their car has left the drive, but gives me a chance to ingratiate myself.)

I had her down as a confirmed felophiliac, having scraped acquaintance in prison three years ago with her owners, a pair of ruffians if ever there were, though quite good-looking. (One is a lean and rangy tortoiseshell with a bit of Oriental way back, and the other the product of a mesalliance on the part of his Persian mother with the ginger tom from the council estate.)

Oh George, I was so sure of her as a refuge in extremis that I was thunderstruck to see her showing pictures of A COCKER SPANIEL PUPPY to my present staff! My heart goes out to those poor unsuspecting victims of her treachery! But what should I do now about security in my old age?

Yours

Dora, aka Sunantre Stars.

Dear Dora,
My heart goes out to you. How could she? How could any decent human sink so low as to prefer the company of a dog to a cat?  And just go out and buy one, inflicting its smelly presence upon two beautiful felines! This behaviour will upset any cat.
I just hope the poor felines that own her, are managing to turn their training technique upon the dog. Dogs are bred to submit to humans and with some careful management by cats, this tendency to submission can apply to felines too. I just hope that the cats have this cocker under a disciplined training regime from the very start.
Security in old age? It is a real problem for us. It may be time for you to start cultivating some younger humans down the street. Take your time. Stroll down and take a look. Is there anybody in the street who stops and tickles you under the chin? Do they already have a cat?  If you cultivate their company while your humans are out, you may find that they start offering you food.
Two-timing your humans? I suppose so. But a cat is entitled to look out for herself. And if your humans discover your other "owner" (ridiculous word), they may realise they have a ready cat sitter. If not I am afraid your future may involve Cats Protection. It's a kind of halfway house for cats looking for a new home and although it's pretty awful, it's better than being homeless.
Yours
George.

Meeeooooowww ... Black Cat Day is coming up.

Dear George,
I'm stuck at the Cats' Protection Taunton and Wellington branch waiting for a new home. As you can see I am a glossy black with gorgeous green eyes.
The humans here are looking after me well. I was in a car accident and they have paid for surgery for my fractured pelvis. But I've been here for three months and I want to get out.
I keep seeing nearby cats get homes - tortoiseshells, tabbies, and even black and whites. Do you think this delay is because I am black? Is it possible that humans are colour prejudiced? And is there anything we black cats can do about it?
Duke.

Dear Duke,
Yes, they are colour prejudiced. Black Cats are slower to get homes than many of the other colours. The strange thing is that humans have made laws to stop colour prejudice against black humans. They believe that humans of any colour should be treated equally. But it doesn't apply to us felines, apparently.
So we need to support National Black Cat Day on Thursday October 30th. We need to remind humans that black is beautiful. And we need to campaign for Black Power.
Cats reading this can get their human to upload a photo of a black cat onto Cats' Protection Facebook page here. One of us might become the poster cat for rehoming appeals. And any humans who haven't got a black cat yet can get one here. Or if they live in Oxfordshire here.
Alas, the more I know about humans, the more I seriously wonder if they are right in the head.
George.

Under cover - what is this human babble about "fruit cup."

Dear George,

Vegas' sophisticated "hidden camera" story inspired me to be more creative. I didn't have much to spy on as my mommy is living a boring life (if you ask me) but I wanted to surprise her by going "under cover". Now, literary speaking "under cover" can have many meanings but...I just wanted to go "under cover" so my mommy won't recognize me.
In all truth I think I succeeded since when she saw me, her reaction was "oh! my fruit cup." Did she recognise me? Or di she really think I was fruit cup? (whatever that is.) She even called me "tangelo." Is this offensive or is it a compliment. How can I find out? If my "under cover" is so good.... I don't want to give it away! But, if it's too complicate and confusing or offensive.... I might just give it up.
George....help!
Yours "under cover"

Shumba

Dear Shumba,

Personally I find some of these human exclamations offensive. "Fruit cup?" It's not even worth bothering your head about what she means. "Tangelo?" Equally meaningless. These humans just blab away at us - blah blah blah. You have to ignore these vocalisations most of the time. Humans have an extraordinary range of vocal sounds, and really inadequate body language.
My advice to you, Shumba, is to adopt an air of lofty disdain when your human makes these offensive exclamations. They show a lack of proper respect. Disdainful ignoring is a good training tool. Respond to properly respectful actions like offering food or gentle stroking of the head area. Ignore pointless remarks. And - final sanction - use claws when necessary.
Training. Training. Training. This is the secret of a good cat-human relationship. A trained human is a happy human.
Yours George

Catteries - another word for prisons.

Dear Mr.George,
I am addressing you formally, as I have been brought up to do, because we have not been introduced. I permit my staff to refer to me as “Dora” although my correct name is “Sunantre Stars and Stripes.” I refer to my appearance, not my country of origin. I am classified as Tonkinese, but have Burmillah ancestry and the stripes on my face, legs and tail line up beautifully when I curl up to sleep. Moreover, I am the daughter of no less than Champion Angisan Excalibur Knight and Kyetsi Katwalkkween.
You might suppose with such illustrious parents that my present staff would show me some respect. But they seem willing to deprive themselves of my patronage on a fairly regular basis. They bundle me into a plastic box when I least expect it, and put me in prison with a whole lot of other cats of very questionable pedigree. A week of cheap litter and meals served at inconvenient times is hard on my sensitive nerves.
Dear Mr.George, what can I possibly have done to deserve such treatment? I am gentleness itself (see picture) and diligent in my duties. My head of staff has a beard like a lavatory-brush, which I wash thoroughly without complaint every morning and evening. His deputy will not accept my supervision of the cuisine, and rejects all my attempts to assist her with sewing and knitting.
Please reply before I seriously consider some of the other applications I have received.
Yours in expectation,
Dora

Dear Dora,
Yours is a common complaint at this time of year and indeed my own troubles with the blog - photo not being put on last Saturday - was the result of much the same human behaviour. They go missing. They literally leave home. They call it "taking a holiday." This complete dereliction of duty occurs mainly in the summer months, though some humans leave home at Christmas too.
While human training will remedy several human behaviour problems, training is not the answer here. Instead, it is necessary to induce emotional dependance in your human. A human with the correct attitude to a cat is not so much a servant as a devoted slave with a servile attitude of wishing to please. Humans who have this attitude - sadly it is not very common - refuse to leave home on "holidays" knowing that it will upset their cat.
The normal human, having decided to leave home, then books us into catteries. While they are feasting on foreign food, we have to dine, as you say, on cheap meals in restricted surroundings. For them a holiday means a nice hotel and good meals: for us it means solitary confinement in a kind of prison.
You do not deserve this. No cat deserves this. But good staff are hard to find. I am considering starting a campaign, Cats Against Catteries. Our distress is in proportion to their holiday enjoyment. The thought makes me want to scratch.
Yours 
George 
PS. I note that you wash the beard of your head of staff. Isn't sad how they don't seem to be able to use their tongues to wash themselves.

Would a pigeon make a good friend? Or dinner?

Dear George,
I would like to hire you to assess my humans' behaviour and see if there is something wrong with them.
I don't think they behave quite normal lately. I worry it could be something very bad but hopefully not contagious.
You see...I'm trying to make friends with this beautiful bird to get her in the house and have some fun!
But, they stay in my way, especially my mom! I'm making that small "friendly" noise to attract the bird in and my mom is hushing her away.
My dad is no where in sight! I mean....what kind of behaviour is this? It is true that I run and hide when they have friends in the house but what could be the cause she's scaring away my friend? Do you think they are afraid of my new friend?
Are they trying to avoid running and hiding? Please help!
With gratitude
Zoe

Dear Zoe,
A bird would make a wonderful plaything. What I like doing is leaping in the air, grabbing them, and then tossing them about. I also enjoy stalking them, even if they do flutter off before I get to them. And I spend a lot of time (like you do) just watching them through the window.
Not so much a friend, as a meal. They taste good. Have you ever stolen a piece of raw chicken skin from the trash can?  Well, they taste like that. Absolutely delicious. No wonder you are making that "friendly" chattering noise. I can't help doing that too when I see them through the window. So exciting....
Your humans are just spoil sports. Fun-hating bipeds with a ridiculous attitude about birds. They seem to prefer them to us - maybe that's because birds are bipeds too. Humans always try to stop us catching birds and conservation humans are the worst.They are horribly prejudiced against our hunting skills.
You don't find humans trying to protect rats. Or even caring very much about mice. See if you can go get that bird in summer when they leave the window open.... 
Yours in anticipation
George